I really need help from the MB posters. This is my first post.

My husband got out the military in August 2010 after seven years active duty. He did NOT have to go to sea or see any combat so he is NOT suffering from PTSD.

Before he joined the military he was doing drugs and drinking pretty heavily for about 10-15 years. I did not know him during this time. He joined the military at age 35 (which is pretty old by military standards) because he was not able to find steady employment in his area (Northern California).

So, husband does great in the military. He is a great husband, very regimented, never misses work. He did really well in the military. We met while he was stationed near Wisconsin which is where I am from. I was afraid for husband to get out of the Navy because he was starting to talk about smoking pot and it seemed like he was headed down the wrong path. This is exactly what happened.

We start fighting alot before he gets out of the military. I know we were both nervous for this life transition. We have a huge fight at the end of August 2010. The week after this huge fight, husband starts his journey to move from Washington State (where we were stationed) to Wisconsin where we decided to live. He stops along the way at his parent's house in Oregon. He runs into an old friend from high school (woman of course). He starts telling her about our problems. Affair starts.

September 2010
I know none of this is going on. He was in Oregon for about 10 days. He comes to Wisconsin acting strange, starting fights with me for no reason. One day our cell phone bill is extremely high so I go to look at the calls and see he has been texting the same number hundreds of times. I confront him and he lies of course and says that they were talking about our marriage and this girl had a roommate with a drug problem and because he had a past with that she was getting advice from him. I knew it was BS.

I asked probably everyday to tell me the truth. He did not.

November 25, 2010
He suddenly decides he needs to get away and think and books a ticket to see his male friend in California. I know something is not right but he will not admit it. I finally crack his password for FB and email and find dirty pictures, love messages, and plans for my WH to meet this OW in California. I am devastated. I call him as he is getting on the plane and say get home right now and tell me the truth. He resists many times but finally comes home. I print everything and confront him with it and he still denies it to my face. Can you believe the balls?

Oh, it gets better. So, he denies it, rebooks the ticket for THANKSGIVING DAY and goes about two days later. Before he leaves he shuts me off all our bank accounts, cell phone, and other important accounts without my knowledge. Then, he proceeds on his merry way to California. He calls me and texts me while he is there and acts like he is staying with a guy friend (after I had already confronted him)! He says why are you not answering my calls? I miss you. I want to talk to you. I didn't answer any of them. I was just beyond rage, hurt, anger. I could have probably hurt someone. He will not tell me when he is coming home.

December 4, 2010
He takes a red eye flight home. He justs shows up. I had already taken my belongings out of our house. I was just so angry. I went to a divorce lawyer. He finally admits that he did see her but of course the story is now that he only saw her for 2 days and did not have sex with her. I know that he is lying, but he will not change this story. I hate his guts right now. I hate her guts right now. I hate life. I hate that it's Christmas and he has taken away my world right now.

I just found MB site so I probably have done lots of things wrong. I don't even know if I should fight for this marriage. Some days I want to and others I feel like he can go to hell.

Anyway, here are my questions and current issues:
1) If I want to work on this marriage, where the heck do I start?
-I read here every day but I am unsure of what path to follow.
-I already moved out so now our contact is limited. I'm not sure how to correct that.
-She lives in California and we live in Wisconsin so they can't have PA unless they travel.
-I was busting his chops whenever I did speak to him because I am so angry.
-He has asked me out to dinner, movies and I say no.
-When he did get home he made noises like he wanted to talk about fixing our marriage but he won't actually say that. He alludes to it but will not come right out with it. I feel like it's a game right now.

Please help. Feel free to comment on anything just please be gentle about the PA. I know it existed so I don't need anyone to remind me right now. It hurts too much. Thanks. I really appreciate it.

Hi Ashmily - welcome to MB,

Before the marriage improves you have to separate WH and his lover. This is done by exposing the act. Expose to his family, your friends that will help and OW family and friends.

Exposure to the army will ensure a dishonorable discharge and will be expensive to both of you.

Read the articles here especially WATS guide to Betrayed Spouses. You will seriously have to learn how to control your anger. This is a LB.

Keep VAR's to check his activities and record everything that occurs. Store it with someone that you trust.

Keep reading the articles. While he is solely responsible for the adultery, you must learn how to protect your marriage.

Never tell him about this site! We are your backup.

Since your husband was apparently just in the Navy, let's continue the analogy that way.

When a Naval, or Coast Guard vessal wants to interact with a suspicious or threatening vessel:
- they fire a warning shot over their bows, close enough to indicate the next shot would be on target.
- the other vessel is told to stop progress and await further instructions
- the Naval vessel will send an inspection team on board to examine the suspicious or unknown details of the subject of the search. Voyage books and logs will be demanded and the cargo and storage areas will be thoroughly searched. If the books are "not available" or "lost in a storm" or some other dribble, that pretty much seals their fate. In the meantime, communication will be established with higher authority for advice or possible assistance.
- the results of that search will determine what the next step will be, either to release the ship on its way, take it in hand for further search at a port, or possibly sink it at the spot. This is the sole decision by the Naval presence. It's not subject to discussion or negotiation with the captain of the seized vessel.

You seem to have accomplished the first two steps fairly well.
"Lawyering up" was the shot across his bows, and he has come home, for the moment stopping his "infidelity engine."

Now you have to examine his "books and cargo". You must demand full open access to his e-mail and text histories If they're already deleted, he did himself no favors, and you can legitimately surmise what would have been contained.

Once you have, or develop, the answers to "what happened" communication should be established with higher authority for assistance. Firstly, EXPOSE his affair to everybody - family, friends, clergy, employer, EVERYBODY.

Now make your decision. Sink the ship (divorce immediately). Take him in hand for further work (the long, hard task of recovery/reconciliation.) Or let him go on his way, not really changing him, and realistically setting the stage for future activities of this kind.

Good luck, skipper. We're here for additional support and advice as you go through this process.

Thank you both for responding to my post.

NeverGuessed-I like your Naval analogy.

1) I have exposed WH affair to his family, my family, and some friends. I think he has his family convinced that I am just a crazy, jealous wife. I do have proof of his affair in writing but I wonder if it would be too much to send a copy to one of his brothers. His family does not respect people who are involved in affairs. This could make them mad and make turn them against me. Risky. Any thoughts?

2) I moved out of our house so I am not able to show him the carrot part of the Plan A program. We have fought for a few years so now I have to show him that I can be as fun and loving as the OW. I don't know how to have enough contact with him to be able to do this. Should I move back into our house?

3) This is really hard. I want to work on our marriage but he says he told this OW that he wants to be alone. I know he is lying and affair is not over. If he isn't going to come clean, I don't know which approach would be most effective.

Again, thanks. I need pro marriage buddies right now. When I'm finally ready to give up, I will. For now, I would like to fight for my marriage.

Okay, let's consider your three concerns:
1) Exposure to WS's family is vital, but let's understand that he IS family to them.

A - It would be one thing to descend like a banshee on a family Holiday dinner waving copies of e-mails and screaming, "Look what the SOB that I married has done to me!" Probably, this would foster immediate "circle the family wagons" feelings, likely leaving you on the outside, continuing to shoot arrows. (Wow, we went from Naval manuevers to cowboys-and-indians in two posts!)
B - You could select the in-law(s) most likely to be sympathetic to you, and approach them with, "It hurts me to tell you this, and I don't want to gratuitously harm Grandma,"(or whoever) "but WS has made an awful series of decisions and has violated his marriage oaths he took in front of all of you. I want to convince him to work with me on recovering the sanctity of our marriage, and it would be very effective if you could help me with this."

2) This one is INCREDIBLY hard to help you from out here in cyber-land, depending as it does on emotional/intellectual variables we have no sense of. IF you feel it would be safe to return, and IF you feel that he won't simply move out on his own volition if you do return, it is always helpful to have some measure of proximity in recovery situations. You're moving back would be into the house, though, and advisedly NOT into the marriage bed. And once you're there, be neither overly friendly nor overly neagative. Your neutrality of mien will be the physical manifestation of Plan A.

3) Yes it is hard. But don't "think", or at least do so as little as possible. Follow the MB Plan A strictly and religiously. Your every act/appearance/reflection should convey, "We have a problem in our marriage, and I'm willing to work to fix it, but I need your firm commitment to do the same (NC, transparency, IC, MC, whatever) before we proceed."

Stay strong, and positive- this CAN work. But it is equally important to bear in mind that the biggest factor in whether it WILL work is if there is enough -- good sense? humanity? rationality? -- left in your WH for him to see what his best course is.