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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1 |
Hi,
2010 was supposed to be the best year of my life. I've been married for 30 years and now my kids are all gone, we've sold the family business and I was looking forward to becoming a "Cialis" couple.
I knew this was going to take some work because life got in the way of �us� and there was no emotional intimacy but I was determined to fix things. In July he tells me he wants to leave because he�s not happy. I told him I wasn�t happy either but determined to make things great. We worked on our relationship all summer and in early October he tells me he still wants to leave because he has been having an affair with my best friend (of 18 years) who worked with him and he's in love with her. All the time I�m �trying� he�s planning on leaving for the �sure thing� he�s got now.
As it turned out, he decided to stay and broke it off with her six weeks ago.
I need help dealing with the emotional mess I have become. Has anyone experienced something like this after so many years of what was a good marriage? We loved each other we were just not �in love� with each other. I need to hear from people who have been through this.
Thanks
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589 |
Hi Beginningagain,
There are lots of us on this website that have long term marriages. My H and I have been married 28 1/2 years. My H had a drunken ONS in 2004 and a 7 month physical affair in latter 2007 and early 2008. We are currently working the MB program as closely as possible. There are others on here with long marriages who are also in recovery. I believe that MB offers the best chance to recovering a M after and A. You are in the right place.
If you have not done so already, read all the basic concepts on this site. Also, read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair" as soon as you can.
You say your H has broken the A off. Do they still see each other? One of the hallmark principles of MB is that there can be NO contact (no talking, no visual, no email - no anything between affair partners. Dr. Harley even recommends that a couple move (my H and I moved 1200 miles away from OW) to prevent contact.
Also, expose the affair to those people who can influence the affair partners. Is the Ow married? If so, does her Husband know?
Learn about the love bank concept and emotional needs and how to meet them.
Often, here, the time after discovery of an affair is referred to as the rollercoaster. I am sorry you are on it and that this has happened to you.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3 |
My parents recovered from an affair after 25 years of being married. They have now been married for 44 years.
Backstory-Dad meets is having midlife crisis, meets OW, she pretends to:
1) Like sports
2) Pretty much like everything that he does
3) They are soulmates-dad in love
4) Dad tells mom he is leaving, it is over, no chance of reconciling
5) Dad starts spending more time with OW, out in the open, very much throws it in mom's face
6) Mom goes through grief process, then soon decides to better herself but stand her ground
7) Dad stays in the house the entire time, never goes through with moving out
8) After about 6 months, affair starts to die out-dad realizes he doesn't like OW as much as thought on a daily basis
9) She was not who she pretended to be, but he couldn't see it until he actually got out of the fantasy and into the reality of being with her
Anyway, it took about a year for this process to go on. My mom just hung in there. She thinks dad resented getting "stuck" back with her at first, but after the affair had time to cool off the marriage relationship changed.
Mom and dad probably took another year of rebuilding trust, but dad treats mom wonderfully since that time. He definitely became a better husband and a more thoughtful person. There is hope for you. Please know that.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I need help dealing with the emotional mess I have become. Has anyone experienced something like this after so many years of what was a good marriage? We loved each other we were just not �in love� with each other. I need to hear from people who have been through this.
Thanks BA, welcome to Marriage Builders, you are in the right place. Many of us have recovered from adultery and have passionate, romantic marriages today. Most marriages do not recover from affairs because they do not know how to create romantic love in their marriages. They end up with a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. A miserable, risky marriage that often leads to repeat affairs. I would strongly suggest you use this program in its entirety. You can fall in love again if you do it right. I would get the book, Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there. Several of us have used the Marriage Builders weekend program [now the online program where they assign you a marriage coach who guides through all the lessons over a period of months] and others have used the phone coaching. Here is what it will take to recover your marriage and create a romantic relationship: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
First, BA, here's a hug. Welcome!
I've been married 33 years now, with four grown children and five awesome grandkids. A few years ago my DH decided he wasn't happy and had an affair. The funny thing is that he didn't tell me he wasn't happy until AFTER he started his affair.
I didn't have MB back then, I wish I had because it would have saved me a ton of pain and torture.
You have stumbled on the BEST place you can be to help you through this.
Please read, listen and learn. You won't regret it.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,390
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,390 |
Sorry you are here. It is the best place. If your Wh is in the game there is a high chance of success.
My sig line sums it up for me....
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,116
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,116 |
"IF" is the operative word above.
Be warned. You are likely in the denial stage and just want this to "go away" so you may miss some of the signs of them still hooking up. Remember your WH and your former friend know you well and THEY will take advantage of your weaknesses to figure out ways to keep up the affair.
Looking back, I wish I had hit hard during year one. It's hard to do especially if you've had no experience in dealing with affairs. I'm in year 3 and my WH is a complete monster. The longer he's been with OW, the worse he's become.
Read MB. Post for advice. Expose. You will survive. You will get through this!!!
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