So, you don't want to be romantically in love with your wife? But you want her to be romantically in love with you? Why? So, when you eventually dump her (so you can go find that person that you do want to be romantically in love with) it will hurt her and destroy her even more?

You want your wife to be happy? Then be in love with her (romantically) or end this marriage and allow her to find someone who will.

Really, Tom, what I think you really want is attention.

Why is there pity for my wife, when I try and make the effort to make her happy. I want her to be happy, I try and do what she needs to be happy. I know she deserves that. Just because I chose someone who I do not have the romantic feelings for does not mean she doesn't deserve it. Thus why I make the effort for her.
I don't see how that makes me such a horrible person. I want her to be happy, and I except for less than ultimate happiness for myself. Instead I just want life to be easy and somewhat happy. I'm not looking to be a martyr of any kind, just don't see how I am this horrible person you make me out to be.
But you continue to just ignore the parts where I say I try to give my wife what she needs to be happy and in romantic love with me.

Whether or not this marriage lasts or eventually comes to an end does not change the fact that my wife should be happy and in romantic love during it. If it does ever end, I don't want her to look back on it and regret this time in her life, if she is happy during this time, there shouldn't be regrets. I don't want to look back and ever regret this time in my life either. This is why I want to be happy during this time, even if its not the happiest I could be, it is a stage in my life that I could look back on and say, it was good for me.
You say, just be romantically in love with her. If I am going to be romantically in love with someone, I want it to be someone that I have that inside guy/feeling/intuition about. Not someone that you have to create the romantic feeling for.
And why does it matter for her if I am romantically in love with her. If I make sure she is happy, why does it matter how I feel?

Tom, no matter what the feeling in the beginning, it doesn't last if you don't work at it. AND YOU ARE MARRIED!

You promised to be with this woman for life and you are lying to her everyday.

When this ends she will not look back with happiness, she will loook back and feel so stupid, so deceived and never be able to trust another man when he says he loves her or even acts like he does. You are completely screwing over your wife, messing with her health and happiness for the rest of her life and you still just want to think you're a good guy.

Like Vibrissa I get more disgusted with you every day. YOU are NOT a good guy. You are a liar. You lied in your wedding vows and you continue to lie to the person you promised to love and cherish every day. There is no good guy in that.

Tom, you don't seem to be understanding why the others are getting so upset with you even though it's been said numerous times. I'll try and break it down; you try and just understand. Whether you agree or not is different; however, just try and see it from another perspective.

The goal in marriage (and on this site) is to create a LIFE LONG romantically filled marriage. We're not talking about a marriage with a maybe, possible ending one day. And we're not talking about making a marriage be pretty okay for 5,10,20 (enter X number of years) until one day you walk out. Your wife will not look back on the happy times. They will be clouded by the end result. You're living too much in the here and now. Can you not see hwo the end result would nullify what happened before?

Your wife is looking at this from the point that the goal is to grow old and die together. I guarantee if you were to be honest with your wife that you�re not in it till �the wheels fall off� (aka one of you passes away) she would not be happy about that. She would prefer to find someone else she can grow old and die with. You�re robbing her of the opportunity to find someone that she can engage for life.

Here�s another thing�your idea of not hurting others is only shared by you. You can see the reactions you�re getting. Let�s go back to the work analogy; you get fired because your performance wasn�t up to par. Your boss wasn�t honest with you because (the principal) didn�t want to hurt your feelings. There are other jobs out there that you can get�maybe not making as much, maybe not with as many breaks�but you�ll still be able to pay your bills. So one day you get fired and your boss says, �well, there were things I wasn�t happy about. However I didn�t want to hurt your feelings. I�m sorry, Tom. I�m going to have to let you go.� You would be angry because at any point your boss could�ve been honest with you but decided to deceive you by not being honest. And you tell them, �Why weren�t you just honest? I could�ve made a few changes.�

We�re not talking about telling someone their shoes look nice when they�re ugly or that their new hair style is terrible (I don�t even lie about those things). We�re talking about feelings and emotions and crushing people, Tom. You seem to think that you can make it less painful if you detach one day from your wife. However, what�s not fair is your wife doesn�t know this. What if she then tells you, �I hate you, Tom. If you had said something years ago, I�d be with someone now instead of now having to look to start another relationship with someone else.� And, Tom, YOU will be the source of her unhappiness, her resentment, and more than likely the reason someone else has to deal with the baggage that you gave her going into a new relationship.

Just because you have the �I�d rather not know� attitude doesn�t mean others have it. I know if my wife had intentions like yours, I�d be out of the marriage to find someone that planned on a LIFE LONG commitment. There�s a contract in marriage, a �death till you part� plan in there.

The only act I support that has the �this might end one day� attitude is a prenuptial agreement. I�m all for prenups. If I had had any notable property coming into marriage, I would�ve had a prenup drawn up.

But I don�t think you�re listening to any of us. I don�t think you have any interest in listening to us. I think you�re going to keep lying, being deceptive, and justifying it through your own rationalizations and your own immaturity that you can�t deal with someone being upset at you.
Good luck in your marriage. I feel bad for your wife. I think you�re going to find less and less people posting to you.

I wondered how many posts it would take you before you got to this point, Vib.

Pretending to be a good husband now will not make up for the future revelation that you are a bad husband. Do you expect her to just say, "Oh you're leaving? Well we had some good times, didn't we, Tom? Ok, see you and have a great life!"

One of my life goals was the have one sexual partner in my life time and to wait to date until I was ready to marry.

I married the first man I dated and slept with, and we've had some bumps in the road, and we're working to make things work, but I'm blessed to have the man I do. And, I believe the sex is the best in the world.

Yes. This.

<- moi

Tom, how do you believe people can tell if they are meant to be together or not?

Tom, I'm a little bit confused.

That special feeling for someone is what most people call being in love, so I'm not sure how you could feel it before being in love.

That special feeling you are talking about is exactly what Marriage Builders provides.

It turns out people who've studied the brain can see that special feeling occur on an MRI. They can find out what triggers it, and they can find out what takes it away. And it turns out that what we do to each other affects whether that special feeling happens or not.

I believe it's sad for you, too, Tom.

I think a lot of the women here are feeling a lot of empathy for your wife, and it makes it a little hard for them to boil things down for you and how you can get what you want and need.

But I do believe you can get this program to get what you want and need: an easy and happy marriage, with that special feeling.

And I think it's sad that you don't have that, which is why I keep posting to you and praying for you.

Suppose you try and fail.

Does it matter that you tried? Yes.

But was trying alone, enough? No.

Does your wife deserve pity if you try and fail? Yes, I believe so. It's very sad for her if you are trying to make her happy and fail.

Just like it's very sad for you if she tries to make you happy and fails. And I am sure she is trying, as best as she knows how. It's just not working. She doesn't know what to do different so that she can succeed and not fail.

This program can teach you guys how to not fail, and then nobody will be unhappy and need pity.

What good is pity? Wouldn't it be better to have an easy, happy marriage with that special feeling that tells you this is THE ONE?


I think people think that if you felt sorry for your wife you would try harder, and both of you would get something wonderful out of that. I think they believe this so strongly that they are trying very hard to show you your wife's plight in the hopes that it will motivate you to do something different. And I think the main tool they have for that is to try to bludgeon you and try to make you feel guilty.

Tom, do you believe your wife has that special feeling you were talking about?

Tom,

I am sensing that your "friend" from work is becoming ever more important to you.

Otherwise, there is little reason why you have now been here for quite a while, and yet have no interest in actually doing anything from MB to improve your marriage.

It's like someone who is complaining that they are dying of thirst, but they won't drink anything. Everyone is scrambling around trying to help them get water, and no one can figure out why they won't drink.

What they don't know is that the person has a stash of fruit juice they've been drinking all along.

So...

How's your friend from work?

In other words...


Is this what you are feeling for your "friend", Tom?

I don't necessarily think you have a big ego.

I think you are having an affair.

KT,
To me, no I do not see how an end result nulifies what happens before. I don't buy that. If you are happy and having a good life for many years, why would one event years later take all that away?
Again, I am not saying that I want my marriage to end, I do not. I want to be happy in it, I want to be happy in life, I just have not bought into the idea of making that feeling/that romantic in love feeling. I believe it can be done, I just have a hard time thinking that it is right, to "make it" happen.

No, and I would never just say, hey, I'm leaving. It would never happen like that.

I have had other relationships in the past (allof which came to an end) and not all ended nicely, but after the pain went away, I didn't regret the relationship, I look back and was glad I was apart of it, and just focus on the good times when I remember them.

I am not talking about that in love feeling. I am talking about a feeling you get when you first meet someone or are at the very beginning stages of getting to know them. You have a feeling, that you just know they need to be apart of your life, that you know you have to get to know them better and you have a connection with them for some reason. Again, not out of a lust feeling, I had this with people I was not physically attracted to right away.