Hmmm.
Don't fret Scotland.

You are just a woman trying to deal with stuff.

You can feel mad sometimes. Then, dust yourself off and go darker and remember that YOU and YOUR future is there. With or without Bampot.

Aim for not plan F/U but plan 'whatever' which lets all crap info you overhear just roll off your back like water on duck feathers.

You are okay. Do not expect perfection from your self.

My favorite saying is now

"You live, you learn."

None of this is a surprise, Scotty. The fact remains that with young children you still get a taste of A-land every week. I found that the times I left MB was when I KNEW in my gut there was more and chose to go digging for it. Self destruction to the max, KWIM? Pep wisely told me a long time ago that if I chose to remain M'd while I was most likely in a false recovery than I had to stop looking for evidence. Why? Because I was not going to D and leave my kids to have contact with the OW even if it destroyed me in the process.

I think plan B is a MUCH better way to go. So pull up your bootstraps, tighten down the black out curtains and find something to make you feel really good while this gets out of your system.

BTW, it is ok to feel RAGE against immorality and the unfairness of it all. IT IS OK!!! Just stop looking for stuff, ok? To protect your sweet self is why, not for the wayturds sake.

You're awesomely honest, Scotty, and I appreciate that.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, either, since you already know and are implementing it. I do want to encourage you to avoid judging your future by your feelings now or at any point.

Just protect yourself now, and let the future happen when it happens, in whatever way it happens. It'll be ok.

Thanx guys. I didn't want to do anything today except sleep. Well, that ISN'T what I did. I went to boxing class, I made dinner, I organized my kitchen a bit(a lot more to go )and then I did a little Plan Aing of my kiddos. We played Funglish and Pictureka. I had to MAKE them go to bed.

Even though I had some awful experiences the last few days, I figure that what has really changed in my sitch? Nothing other than ME. It did push me over that hump I was experiencing but in a BAD BAD way.

I liken what MB has done for me emotionally with what boxing has done for me physically. Today, working out ANGRY(which I am CERTAIN I will pay for in the morning), I skipped for 1 minute intervals. For the rest period, my heartbeat slowed and my breathing returned to normal much more quickly than before. The same thing happens with MB. I am much better off emotionally because I was stronger to begin with.

I will NOT go looking for anything else, I PROMISE. I am a person who keeps their promises and only promises things that I are within my control. I wouldn't promise to take my children to an amusement park on a certain day, for example, as the power might go out, or it might rain.

I am on the road to recovery once again.

I didn't leave MB to FIND something. I really didn't. I feel like I left MB and allowed something else to replace it. It was, unfortunately, something that was damaging to myself. I also promise that from now on, when I am not on MB it will be because I am doing things to BETTER my life and the lives of my children.

Thanx again.

And let this be a lesson to anyone who is having problems with Plan B. Stay DARK and you will get better and better.

One bad day (or a series of bad days) does not make a bad life.

(((((((((Scotty)))))))))

So you're human, and a woman to boot.

VALUABLE lesson learned.

I'm so glad you felt safe enough to post here honestly. That's speaks a lot about you and about your friends here at MB.

We're still behind you.

Well said, PM!

Ya know when your first words were so humble and apologetic I honestly thought you contact Bampot. It was not at all what I expected you to say. I am truly so impressed with you.

Exactly Pep!

I agree, well said. I know I'm not on much, not hiding but not posting. But you've been there for me, and I appreciate it. You're only human, and to err is human. But now you know, as you once told me, it is better to stay dark.

{{{{{{Scotty}}}}}}

I'm not gonna swing a 2x4 atcha, because you've already beaten yourself up enough. ((((((Scotty))))))

Oh Scotty, I am so sorry you have had a few bad days; but you should definitely not beat yourself up. We are only human, we BS's have been dealt a horribly unfair blow. But you have already shown everyone and deep down proven to yourself that you are made of stronger stuff than the average person. Be proud of who you are and know in your heart that God has great plans for you, you just can't see what it is yet. Hang in there, go dark, and the ick will start to dwindle.
Remember Scotty Rocks!!!!

Aw Scotty, I know what you mean when you say you are mad at yourself, but you are a truly awesome lady. Let this go too.

When you said you had to MAKE your boys go to bed. it warmed my heart. Way to bounce back Scotty Rocks!

The fact you are so honest and felt like you had let us down, speaks volumes of your deep character and commitment to love.

Glad your back.

Guys, I truly don't believe I deserve all the love(but I am taking it anyways). Doncha just hate when your own advice comes back to haunt you(thanx cd)?

I KNOW that I am human, I also knew better than what I did. That is why I am mad.

You guys don't know how hard it was not to look again. I made a promise and I am going to do whatever is in my power not to break that promise.

I prayed long and hard last night and I feel much better this morning. No Plan F/U on the horizon but I know that I am this[] close to it. It is even more important for me to keep myself as dark as possible.

I have some advice for some fellow Plan Bers. When you have those angry moments, write out your conditions for recovery. Believe me, my list grew yesterday. That bar got HIGHER. I hope to retain enough of that Taker to keep that bar up there.

Set the recovery bar higher, now thats a healthy idea. Remember they have to jump those hurdles back, I guess that would be my problem, making the hurdles molehills for them.

Your allways gonna bounce back Scotty, and now, you accually know the safty of plan B, and your reaction was more healthy than it might have been a year ago. You bounced back to a safe place of personal recovery, and these months have ingrained where the right place to go is.

It sux when we knew better and did it anyway, Thats the real painful part, when we lose self-control, it was for me anyway, after the long struggle before, but we all can wear down, regaurdless of our resolve. Your gonna be alright, let it go, just a glitch in the Scotty Rocks new radar equipment she has invested in.

You do shadow boxing? How about a little shadow 2x4ing? Looks like you got yourself covered.

all i have to say.... YOU ROCK!!!! still ever amazed at your continued growth....awesome to watch!

You are awesome Scot! As a beginnerPlan B'er, I can tell you, reading your thread gives me that little 'oomph' I need to make it through. Knowing that making mistakes along the way to recovery will happen and being able to overcome those mistakes with self-honesty and grace, like you, will make those mistakes seem much less tragic.

Raise that bar Scotland!

And raise your arm for a super HIGH 5....slap....

TeeHee. How much have you lovingly scolded me for something or other? I figured you'd get a kick out of that one. I love how you're raising the bar. You go girl. Stay strong. ((((SCOTTY))))))

Howya doing Scotty?