hey I know you have read my thread and I am sorry I wasn't here faster to encourage you.

Get that exposure done on OM, right now! I wish to GOD I had these tools in Sept when I discovered the affair, or better yet June when it was only an EA.

Good Luck, get it done, listen to the vets! Trust me on this, my WW still thinks I am completely nuts and I don't care!

Swing that club hard man and don't let up until you are exhausted.

If that is truly her view, then her career is more important than your marriage.

And if you accept that, then you are a Doormat with a capital D.

Seriously, man, she THINKS THAT? And then proves to you that not only is her CAREER more important than her marriage, but also proves that LUST is more important than her marriage by F'ing another man? And then hammers home the fact that she has no respect for you by openly "struggling" between the POS OM and YOU? And then you LET HER DO THIS, without saying "it's me or him, so hit the bricks"????

This is a sickening situation, and you are a world-class enabler. Sorry for the harsh words, but they're true. You report all these facts about your life as if you're just a reporter instead of a MAN who can STEP IN AND CHANGE THINGS. This is your life, MAN! Are you going to SLEEPWALK through it, feeling like crap while everyone walks all over you? WAKE UP. SLAP YOURSELF AWAKE and START LIVING. Right now your soul is slowly dying.

EDIT: What happened to all your tough talk about stepping up? I had HOPED your next reply would be you telling us how you actually FOLLOWED THROUGH with action. Instead, it's this simpering tripe.

All you've done is proven us right, that you're all talk and no action. My words right now SHOULD make you angry - I'm insulting your ability to do what you say you're going to do.

Don't take this from me! Go out there, prove me wrong, and then come back here and tell me to SHUT UP, BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN OF YOUR WORD AND YOU PROVED IT. Do it.

A few more things, but listen to the vets before me.

OM is calling because he has no respect for you or consequences. Show him different. He comes in your yard and you hit him hard with exposure.

She has no remorse, but don't expect any. My WW still does not blame OM at all. Thats OK, baby steps.

Get your butt back in that house. Make it clear you are back because its your house, and you are not smothering, kissing her butt or anything else. Its your house, you are the owner. Period.

My WW is independent too. She will stand up to you when you move back, but don't blink. Don't do anything outside Plan A, but don't blink either.

The show is a tough call, listen to the vets as to whether you go.

Good luck.

Thats harsh, but I know because I was this guy three months ago.

Wake up and fight is exactly right.

I just woke up this week so I am not perfect either.

Stuck, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO EXPOSE THIS AFFAIR TO OM'S GF?

I understand that sounds bad. However, this show is not an option. It's her job, her career. It'd be like me randomly quitting my job with no backup plan, without even knowing if I'm still trying to recover my marriage or not.

Harsh words indeed. I knew I'd get that for not exposing the affair sooner. My EXCUSE is that I'm a busy guy--spending the date night with my WW was more important to me than exposure. I absolutely know I need to make him uncomfortable, and WANT to get him back for stepping into my yard. I also have plans with my family tonight, and I've blown them off a lot lately...which is why I don't know if I'll get this done tonight or tomorrow. I don't want to confront him, I want to confront his family--he works from home, and I'm not sure when I'll be able to find him away from his family... it complicates things. Am I just making excuses?
It's true, word are easy and actions are hard.


I'll admit I'm not sure what to say to this. This has been her lifelong dream. Her livelihood is music, and abandoning her job right now is abandoning her career, and there is little chance she could ever return to the level of success she has now if she stops.

I understand that position, and always have. I have dreams also, and would never want to be forced to choose between them and my marriage.
I disagree that my position means I'm a doormat--in THAT regard. Maybe I'm a doormat in other ways, but demanding she quit her job as a musician would be a lesson in futility.

Does that mean I should leave her and move on? Maybe. Originally, I did say "Him or me" and she chose him. That's when I moved out. Then I changed from weepy, needy Stuck.... to charming, strong Stuck. That's why she's waffling now and (halfway) wants me back. I know I'm still enabling in a lot of ways, just----I can't QUITE figure out how to quit it.

As I said, I still firmly believe moving back in the house would drive her away. Exposing him to his family seems like the only weapon I have.

Don't wait to do exposure until a time when it's convenient for you. NOW is the time. Everything else you're doing is tying up your time to save your M.

You don't know this, now, do you? She could go screaming to new heights of success just as quickly, right?

To the former, you're absolutely right.

To the latter, I'm quite sure. She was ushered into a successful band, and has been there a year... there is a 100% chance of her being broke and jobless near-term if she quits, and it's HIGHLY likely it would take a her a long time, if ever, to reach her previous status on her own, even with the fan base she has now.

The band she's in has been working at this for 20 years, and 2 of them just quit their day jobs. She couldn't hack it on her own yet, and we both know it.

Again, YOU DON'T KNOW THIS. I have extremely close relatives in the music industry. Not the weekend hacks - these are bigger hitters in the music industry. Musicians migrate. Always. It is typical. Ending her affair will by NO MEANS be the death-knell of her career.

Sorry I am too much of a dummy to learn the whole quote thing yet.

You are too much of a busy guy to do this?

Are you kidding?

Let me ask you this. If this was before the affair, before the lies etc. If you were walking down the street with her and some guy punched her in the face what would you do? Same as any of us right? You would knock him out wouldn't you? Tell me I am wrong.

Get in the fight man. Move back in and nuclear expose the creep. Get your wife before its too late!

Do it now! I know its hard to buy into but this stuff works!

OK so I am going to be a [censored] because I recently moved out of my proverbial glass house and that qualifies me to tell you how to run your life.

You need to get that exposure done pronto busy guy if you have time to comment on other threads:)

Seriously its like an hour homework tops to get what you need, and for me it was a labour of love gathering an arsonal to throw at them. First non defensive move I made in months, felt GREAT

Stuck,

This is your future: divorce.

Why? Not because it's the best thing for you (because it is).

Not because she will come back to you (won't happen with what you're doing now).

It's going to happen because you're a doormat with no balls.

Reynolds is testimony as to the success of exposure. He just did it.

Man up. If you want to save your marriage, man up.

Stuck, do not initiate any contact with your wife. She needs to do the pursuing (this would show that you have self respect). The whole reason she did this is because she lost respect for you. She says its because she just wanted to be loved. She is a booty call to this other guy. That is why she pulling away from him somewhat. I personally think she regrets doing it, and that this complicated her life more then she wanted. She is not showing remorse because of her ego and selfishness. I concur that you should not move back in right now. Since you are already out. I hope you did get tested for STDs. Do not have sex with her while she is doing this other guy. I think you have a lot on the ball and would suggest that you divorce her also. Why? Because she is a musician and they tend to be narcissistic. Her love is conditional, but I think you know that. If you do take her back, I think the chances are pretty good that she will cheat again. All it would take is the right guy paying her a few compliments and being available. We just had a up and comer on another site **edited**. She was a singer who got involved with (fell in love) a band mate. It really does happen all the time. If she would sacrifice her marriage (which she obviously has) for her "music" (BS), she isn't worth the pain. I mean what would happen if you guys had kids? Divorce her and find someone worthy of your love. JMHO

You're avoiding her point. She shouldn't be performing WITH OM. You side-stepped her point.


That's because your priorities are completely backwards. Far easier for you to pretend everything's okay and take the easy road of going on a "date night" with your WW than it is to DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO DO.
Guess what? Things are pretty far from "all right".

SW, I've got a question for you. Is saving your marriage important to you? Your actions, so far, have said "No. It's not important to me at all." Your words mean nothing. Your actions speak for you. So, either be honest and admit to us and yourself that your marriage is less important to you than taking the easy road every time and avoiding confrontation, or decide to change and MAKE your marriage important to you by taking ACTION to eliminate the threat. Does that make sense?

EXCUSE. However, if it's between tonight or tomorrow, I'm fine with that at this point. You just committed to doing it tomorrow. I don't believe you. PROVE ME WRONG AND FOLLOW THROUGH - DO WHAT YOU SAY. (By the way, this is how you get respect in life, simply by doing what you say you're going to do).

Tomorrow it is, then. Show us you're a man......


Yes. You already know that. You don't NEED to confront him. HE knows he is having an affair. The goal of exposure is to tell everyone AROUND the affairees - to shine light on their tawdry little affair. Like lights on cockroaches, the affair can not and will not survive after exposure. When you do it, you will A) feel like a real man, and B) kick yourself for not doing it sooner.


This is not StuckWaiting talking. This is your WW talking through you. Her priorities are clear. Her career is more important than you. That's where you come in. If your wife says that to you (my career is more important than our marriage), through their words or actions, you have two options. Lay down the law and insist that she honor her vows, and then be ready to divorce her if needed (because she's not honoring her vows to put you first), or accept that you're not worth being put first, let her walk all over you, and resign yourself to an existence of misery.

One option leads to you feeling empowered because you have taken action and stood up to her, and may even lead to her respecting you and getting a reality check. The other option makes her hate you more for not standing up for yourself, and shackles you to a life of sadness and regret until she leaves you (which she will on this path), a cuckold with no self-respect.

The good news? No one gets to make this choice except YOU. You are in complete control of how you respond to this situation.


That's why you honor your vows, which shows that your marriage is being put first. She did not do that, so she has to lose her privilege (because she is not mature enough to behave like an adult who can keep her word).


You're wrong. It DOES make you a doormat. Let me try and help you:
Imagine that you are a movie star. Your wife, the day after your wedding, finds out that you're on the set of a movie with an actress, and that you are having an affair with her. Your wife would pull you off that movie so fast it would make your head spin, or she would divorce you. If she didn't do either, it would teach you that you could get away with whatever you wanted, and you would lose all respect for your wife.

Does that help?

Again, that's your WW talking through you. THINK FOR YOURSELF. Moving in what make things uncomfortable for her adultery. Think of her as an addict right now, seriously. Would a crack addict want you interfering with their supply? Hell no! They would do what your WW is doing - cake-eat, get what they want from you on their terms. And it would be YOUR duty, as it is here, to save your WW from herself. That's tough love. Come between her and her addiction in any way you can. Move back in. NOW. Exposing him to his family, and exposing your WW to her family and his family and YOUR family is NOT the only weapon you have. It is a big weapon. Moving back in is another step towards reclaiming your manhood.

Even if you DO end up divorced, doing what I've recommended will allow you to hold your head up high, knowing you are a MAN and did what you could do.

See you tomorrow, after you've done what you've committed to us that you're going to do.

Arpeggi

I don't think anyone is telling you to demand she leave her career field.

She should NOT be around OM. That's what we're telling you.

Wow, you're a busy guy so that's why you can't be inconvenienced by taking measures to save your marriage?!

Exposure is not done as revenge against a WS and her AP, exposure is done to draw everyone's attention to the affair to end it. It's like exposing a vampire to sunlight. Now if the scumbag boyfriend were to suffer financial, social or emotional distress as a result of exposure, I'm sure none of us would start crying or wringing our hands about it. Would you?

This is all about YOU now, stuckinwaiting, about what YOU are going to do. It is not about waiting for your WW to decide YOUR fate while she vacillates between OP and you, it is about YOU seizing the reins and steering the runaway horses back onto the path that YOU want to go.

Some of the other posters put things in some pretty uncompromising terms, and have even questioned your manhood, that would make me pretty upset, especially if I realized it was even partially true. But I don't see that fire in you, I see paralyzing fear, which has made you one very accommodating BS.

Stuck, it appears that she has you in a fog as well. The bottom line is that you must DEMAND respect. It is a very endearing quality, rather than being a pushover. One of the unfortunate consequences of an affair is that you are being compared and contrasted in every way with the OM. Right now you are losing that battle of which guy is more attractive.

You lessen the odds to save your marriage if you don't behave like a confident, strong, kind man who DEMANDS respect. Listen to everyone here. All of us have stories that come from the same script. Be kind. DEMAND respect.

Pretty upsetting.

I guess I got some things to take care of. And some serious soul searching to do. I'll report back soon.

So how do I demand respect without being a jerk? By...exposing OM to his family, and maybe moving back in?

I do totally understand why she's lost my respect for me. And I've lost respect for myself, too.

Demanding respect is not something I've ever been good at, unfortunately...

You and I are not that different.

I know you took a heck of a hit. Its tough to get back on your feet.

Fake it at first if you have to. Expose to OM family, email if that is all you can do.

Move back in. Don't even talk about it with her. Just show up.

One step in front of the other it gets easier. Do one thing and realize you took action.

Do nothing and you lose everything.