|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 54
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 54 |
I have been doing Plan A with my WW since around Dec 5th, but I was wondering how long Dr Harley recommends this plan when it is implemented concerning a WAW/WW? The affairs were exposed around Dec 5th, and as far as I know they have all stopped. I am not foolish enough to blindly believe anything, so I keep up my information gathering plan, and I keep using the Plan A carrot and stick while not using any love busters. I kinda remember reading some post saying that women cannot handle more than around 6 weeks of plan A, but I am not sure. I have my Plan B waiting in the wings just in case it is needed. Thanks for all the great posts and the wealth of knowledge that I have gained here.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 496
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 496 |
For men up to six months. If NC has been established when were you going for Recovery? The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. *Thanks to MelodyLane
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288 |
A man has much more stamina. Dr Harley recommends six months for a Plan A.
The point of this time period is not to build up resentment and hence destroy the picture of a plan A before going to plan B.
If you feel that you cannot overcome your "taker", then go plan B directly. Remember, do not forget to vent at this site. There are lots of folk who have been where you are.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
I have been doing Plan A with my WW since around Dec 5th, but I was wondering how long Dr Harley recommends this plan when it is implemented concerning a WAW/WW? The affairs were exposed around Dec 5th, and as far as I know they have all stopped. I am not foolish enough to blindly believe anything, so I keep up my information gathering plan, and I keep using the Plan A carrot and stick while not using any love busters. I kinda remember reading some post saying that women cannot handle more than around 6 weeks of plan A, but I am not sure. I have my Plan B waiting in the wings just in case it is needed. Thanks for all the great posts and the wealth of knowledge that I have gained here. The time frames you're talking about are for the betrayed spouse. Women usually don't carry out a Plan A as long as men because it's harder on them emotionally. Question: you originally posted your sitch in July. You exposed in December. What's been going on? Can you bring us up to speed?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688 |
If I remember right, women are usually so "checked out" of a M (and emotionally involed with A partner) that it takes a longer effort to get them to really reconsider recovering.
but I may be remembering this wrong.
I guess it depends on how attached to the relationship you WW is.
Can you give more details?
Last edited by barbiecat; 12/23/10 05:01 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554 |
A man has much more stamina. Dr Harley recommends six months for a Plan A. I always thought that was an interesting suggestion, given that the stats I've seen apparently suggest that Ms where the W has cheated are the ones that are more likely to end. I don't think I would have endured the humiliation of having to deal with a openly cheating WW for six months. Six days, yes, but not six months.
ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I don't think I would have endured the humiliation of having to deal with a openly cheating WW for six months. Six days, yes, but not six months. MIM, it is suggested that a BH do Plan A up to 6 months, but this is ENTIRELY individual. For example, it is so devastating to some men that they need to cut it short. The thing that scares me about most men who come here is that they tend to be very complacent and use Plan A to avoid conflict. That is NOT the purpose of Plan A. If you look around here, the men who recover their marriages the fastest are those who rain holy unmitigated hell on the affair. Reynolds is one such BH currently posting. Additionally, the guys who take strong action tend to hold up much better and are much more likely to save their marriages. The ones who are really screwed - and rarely save their marriages - are the ones who are very timid and never take action. I know of such men whose wives have been in on again, off affairs for years.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I don't think I would have endured the humiliation of having to deal with a openly cheating WW for six months. Six days, yes, but not six months. I lasted about 6 seconds.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 54
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 54 |
MB,
My wife moved out of our house into a rented place in June, but because it took me awhile to find all the information about what was really going on...the info did not come out until Dec. 5th. It was the OW that found out about her husband and contacted me. I have started a plan A way back in Aug, but I only had bits and pieces of the info. I hope this brings clarity. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 54
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 54 |
ML,
The other woman got in touch with me about the affair...
I agree that you have to rain holy hell on these affairs...
Someone did just that...rained holy hell...
It wasn't me because that might have been considered a love buster, and I do not want to be accused of LB...
I follow the advise here because it is doing what works...
Thanks for the replys.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993 |
It should have been youthat exposed. It isn't an LB to stand up for yourself and fight for your family- at least not one that is worth the risks associated with NOT commiting it. You have sent the message that you're not too put out by her affair, and possibly that you are scared of angering your wife. That's the worst message you can send. Though it upsets her- a woman RESPECTS a man who doesn't put up with her crap, and fights for his family. Strength and a spine is what you need. Fight this affair with all you have. YOU expose. YOU demand she end her sordid affair. Don't hide behind other people.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 54
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 54 |
I was deeply involved, but I prefer to not be too obvious because my WW sometimes comes on this board. I have seen a turn around in my WW since all of this came to light which is a good thing. I liked Reynolds thread...he worked the exposure program correctly.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
it is suggested that a BH do Plan A up to 6 months, but this is ENTIRELY individual. For example, it is so devastating to some men that they need to cut it short. Yes it is totally individual - some men seem to be able to take more abuse than others. I'm like Mel - I doubt I could have done it for very long. When it comes to my wife I don't share. The thing that scares me about most men who come here is that they tend to be very complacent and use Plan A to avoid conflict. I comp[letely agree with Mel - Plan A is not an excuse to do nothing although many men here seem to think it is. It's about showing your wife that if she ends her affair that you are willing to meet her needs. It's not about letting a WW eat cake and disrespect and abuse her BH.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
ML,
The other woman got in touch with me about the affair...
I agree that you have to rain holy hell on these affairs...
Someone did just that...rained holy hell...
It wasn't me because that might have been considered a love buster, and I do not want to be accused of LB... No, it is not a lovebuster. If you won't stand up for your marriage then your spouse rightly concludes you don't care too much. Having a complacent attitude sends the wrong message. If you want to save your marriage YOU have to rain holy hell on the affair, not leave that job to someone else.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I was deeply involved, but I prefer to not be too obvious because my WW sometimes comes on this board. I have seen a turn around in my WW since all of this came to light which is a good thing. I liked Reynolds thread...he worked the exposure program correctly. Yes, he cared about his marriage enough to stand up for it. That is what it takes if you want to make it. You can't leave the future of your marriage on the shoulders of others. It is your marriage to save, after all.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688 |
I think you are confused about plan A. Re read the part about the "stick".
You are only focusing on not upsetting your WW. That is not plan A.
You do not want to namby pamby yourself out of your M, do you? Being complacent is PART OF how you got here in the first place. (but it was 100% your WW descision to have an A)
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
ML,
The other woman got in touch with me about the affair...
I agree that you have to rain holy hell on these affairs...
Someone did just that...rained holy hell...
It wasn't me because that might have been considered a love buster, and I do not want to be accused of LB...
I follow the advise here because it is doing what works...
Thanks for the replys. Well, good! The rain from hell has begun! You'll want to join in the party as quickly as possible. To do otherwise will make you look like a wimp who sat on his hands while other people did all the work. You need to get in there, 17. Chop-chop.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I share concerns that you are a conflict avoider as I noticed you posted back in October and were advised to get info on OM to expose to his W. She is the one who contacted YOU on 12/5? So what were you doing all that time?
Did you ever expose to anyone? If so who?
Is your W still living outside of the home?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 54
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 54 |
SQ,
The WW is still living in a rented house outside of our family home. I posted today that the children found out over X-mas about her affairs, and she is now upset about the children learning about her secret affairs. I am staying the course and working my Plan A program. I have a Plan B waiting if needed. I hope that she finds some humility within the next 2-4 weeks. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921 |
stick to one thread! It's impossible to follow your story if you keep starting new threads.
We want to help. Make it easier for us.
Exposure always ticks off the waywards. Pretty standard.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
706
guests, and
73
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,523
Members72,028
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
