I just found out last month that my wife had sex with another man about 2 months ago. I have read almost all of the literature but I am upset everyday about what happened. I feel I may not be the type of person who is capable of getting through this. The sad part is we have 4 daughters..8,10,12 and 15 years old. I have developed an extreme resentment. Not sure what I should do next other than move out.

First thing, please take a look at this article:
"Men, do not leave your home!"
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984719&page=1

Sorry you are here but welcome.

Some questions:
Is NC in place? Who is OM?

Is your W answering all of your questions about the A?

How long have you been M?

Hang in there!

Beafea, recovery after infidelity takes YEARS, please do not worry that you are still upset. You should be upset!

But that does not mean that recovery cannot take place if proper plan is applied. MB is a place for proper plans for recovery - please stay here and read as much as you can!

In that, trust me, you have too many predecessors to count!

Loudly and clearly we can understand you're in the immediate shock/rage segment of the sad emotional continuum that many of us here have traveled before you.

Where is your wife's emotional presence currently positioned? Depressed? Ashamed? Dismissive?
You mention this occurred two months ago. Are we to infer that the illicit activity has ceased?

VITAL - DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME! DO NOT STRIKE OUT AT HER!

READ THE RESOURCES ON THIS SITE! Start here: http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=pop2

TAKE CARE OF YOUR PHYSICAL SELF! Force yourself to eat and drink (water). If you have access to exercise equipment, it will prove to be a useful surrogate to deplete whatever adrenaline is still fueling your rage. (Hit the gym, not your wife!) If you have access to counselling services, consider that.

COME BACK HERE AS YOU FEEL THE NEED! This forum, with the veterans who continue to post, will be a lifeline to you, as it previously had been to them (us)!

Sorry you're here. But right now, this is the place you should be.

How did you find out?

Is there NC no contact with the OM?

Does the WW still work with or live near the OM?

WHat are you and WW doing to recover?

Takes six months for the your mind to process what has happened. Then quite often the BH goes through an anger phase through the next six months. This why recovery is a two to five year process. A roller coaster ride. Emotions up and down.

Beafea, I am sorry this has happened to you. Your feelings of resentment are a very natural response to a grave assault against you. What has happened to you is despicable and cruel.

Please believe me that there is hope. If you follow the program we did, you can replace that resentment with a happy, passionate marriage. I know it seems impossible today, but it is possible. You are not going to get over this any time soon. It takes at least 2 years to recover IF certain things happen.

And like the others said, you should not move out. If there is a separation it should be your wife who moves out.

Has she ended all contact with her affair partner? Is the OM married and if so, did oyu tell his wife?

Hi SusieQ,
Thank you for the reply...Yes my W is answering all my questions regarding the A. I actually know more details than I want...That too makes me SUPER pissed...It was with a friend who she has known for 10 yrs,,over at her brothers house watching Football.Which she has done for years. They got drunk and she ended up in the back of our mini van. Later that week she went over to his house and had sex with him...she said it really made her feel good about herself as we were not very intimate for the last 7 years..after our last child...I mostly slept on the couch..really because I worked long hours and there was usually a kid in our bed. She came down with breast cancer about 5 years ago and had a mastectomy...she has had a clean cancer scan for the last 3 years..but has had alot of insecurity's regarding herself. We have talked alot..she said although she longs for that feeling of being intimate with the OM..she said she would not trade what we had for that and wants to work on us..as we have been doing. We have had a very intimate relationship as of the last month and I am sleeping back in our room and we make time away from the kids which we never did.
My issue: I feel like our relationship is BROKEN...I hate,hate,hate that she did that...I honestly feel like I am lost at trying to figure out a way to justify this..as I know that there is no way. I also feel that we as a couple will be scared by this for life. I think of them together and it makes me sick and hate her.There are moments that I want to stay and work through this and there are moments that I just want to move out and start my own life over again..and make her REALLY regret what she has done..destroyed the family. We have been together 13 years..we are actually not married. He sent her a text message about a month ago about 2am drunk asking her to come over and she replied back no..that she no interest in sleeping with a guy who has sex in an ally...as she found out he did by a text he sent her brother...the guy happens to be one of her brothers best friends. Which really complicates things more.Everyone knows of the A..or Fling...Her brother,all there friends,her father,her mother..everyone..which is embarrassing to me. Even though we are really working on our relationship and it seems to be healing.. I still feel alot like I want to leave to punish her. I don't really think that it would help my state of mind nor curve my resentment. Does getting angry solve anything? She has little remorse for what she has done..again as I said..she says it made her feel good about herself. She said she had no intentions of leaving me..she said it was almost like a separate alter ego that did that...she has deleted him from her phone and said she will delete him from her facebook. She says she has NC with him which I somewhat believe.

Hi MelodyLane,
Thank you for the reply...Yes my W is answering all my questions regarding the A. I actually know more details than I want...That too makes me SUPER pissed...It was with a friend who she has known for 10 yrs,,over at her brothers house watching Football.Which she has done for years. They got drunk and she ended up in the back of our mini van. Later that week she went over to his house and had sex with him...she said it really made her feel good about herself as we were not very intimate for the last 7 years..after our last child...I mostly slept on the couch..really because I worked long hours and there was usually a kid in our bed. She came down with breast cancer about 5 years ago and had a mastectomy...she has had a clean cancer scan for the last 3 years..but has had alot of insecurity's regarding herself. We have talked alot..she said although she longs for that feeling of being intimate with the OM..she said she would not trade what we had for that and wants to work on us..as we have been doing. We have had a very intimate relationship as of the last month and I am sleeping back in our room and we make time away from the kids which we never did.
My issue: I feel like our relationship is BROKEN...I hate,hate,hate that she did that...I honestly feel like I am lost at trying to figure out a way to justify this..as I know that there is no way. I also feel that we as a couple will be scared by this for life. I think of them together and it makes me sick and hate her.There are moments that I want to stay and work through this and there are moments that I just want to move out and start my own life over again..and make her REALLY regret what she has done..destroyed the family. We have been together 13 years..we are actually not married. He sent her a text message about a month ago about 2am drunk asking her to come over and she replied back no..that she no interest in sleeping with a guy who has sex in an ally...as she found out he did by a text he sent her brother...the guy happens to be one of her brothers best friends. Which really complicates things more.Everyone knows of the A..or Fling...Her brother,all there friends,her father,her mother..everyone..which is embarrassing to me. Even though we are really working on our relationship and it seems to be healing.. I still feel alot like I want to leave to punish her. I don't really think that it would help my state of mind nor curve my resentment. Does getting angry solve anything? She has little remorse for what she has done..again as I said..she says it made her feel good about herself. She said she had no intentions of leaving me..she said it was almost like a separate alter ego that did that...she has deleted him from her phone and said she will delete him from her facebook. She says she has NC with him which I somewhat believe.

The Road,
Thank you for the reply...Yes my W is answering all my questions regarding the A. I actually know more details than I want...That too makes me SUPER pissed...It was with a friend who she has known for 10 yrs,,over at her brothers house watching Football.Which she has done for years. They got drunk and she ended up in the back of our mini van. Later that week she went over to his house and had sex with him...she said it really made her feel good about herself as we were not very intimate for the last 7 years..after our last child...I mostly slept on the couch..really because I worked long hours and there was usually a kid in our bed. She came down with breast cancer about 5 years ago and had a mastectomy...she has had a clean cancer scan for the last 3 years..but has had alot of insecurity's regarding herself. We have talked alot..she said although she longs for that feeling of being intimate with the OM..she said she would not trade what we had for that and wants to work on us..as we have been doing. We have had a very intimate relationship as of the last month and I am sleeping back in our room and we make time away from the kids which we never did.
My issue: I feel like our relationship is BROKEN...I hate,hate,hate that she did that...I honestly feel like I am lost at trying to figure out a way to justify this..as I know that there is no way. I also feel that we as a couple will be scared by this for life. I think of them together and it makes me sick and hate her.There are moments that I want to stay and work through this and there are moments that I just want to move out and start my own life over again..and make her REALLY regret what she has done..destroyed the family. We have been together 13 years..we are actually not married. He sent her a text message about a month ago about 2am drunk asking her to come over and she replied back no..that she no interest in sleeping with a guy who has sex in an ally...as she found out he did by a text he sent her brother...the guy happens to be one of her brothers best friends. Which really complicates things more.Everyone knows of the A..or Fling...Her brother,all there friends,her father,her mother..everyone..which is embarrassing to me. Even though we are really working on our relationship and it seems to be healing.. I still feel alot like I want to leave to punish her. I don't really think that it would help my state of mind nor curve my resentment. Does getting angry solve anything? She has little remorse for what she has done..again as I said..she says it made her feel good about herself. She said she had no intentions of leaving me..she said it was almost like a separate alter ego that did that...she has deleted him from her phone and said she will delete him from her facebook. She says she has NC with him which I somewhat believe.

Beafea: I can relate to your feelings of resentment and hurt. I know them personally. I also know how it feels to believe that you are the type of person that cannot get over it. Your feelings are real and can be overwhelming. I have hear the line "I needed to feel good about myself. I needed him then." I am here to tell you that you are normal. You are a human being who has been hit with what may be the most severe form of abuse and pain known to humankind. I read your words and I hurt for you. I have somehow hung on because of my sons for almost 18 months now.
AND YET I ENVY YOU! Your wife has told you what happened. Maybe out of fear that you would find out from someone else, maybe out of guilt. But the biggest step of all has been taken because your wife admitted it to you. I don't know what hearing those words is like. I wish that I did. In my case only a tape recording that I secretly made of her talking in her car provided me with the truth.
Marriage has value. Please try and hang on. If you need to talk with a counselor by yourself, do so. If you need to pour your heart out on this board for months or years try and do so. Your daughters need you. If when you look in the mirror at your own self know that you did not deserve this but also know that you may be able to do things with selfless love that will make you a man whom your daughters will look for when they eventually marry.
If you find depression sinking your outlook at life please see a doctor and swallow the pills and the pride that might otherwise keep you from medical relief to depression. I nearly ended my life because I did not take the steps to support myself fast enough. Imagine, I was once a young tough Marine and yet I fell ill enough to the pain. Do not let your anger destroy your life or cost you more.
I will pray for you. Everyday. I won't blow smoke up your behind and tell you this will be easy. It won't be. It will take your mind months and years to process this. I am neither a success of this process nor a failure and it has been 18 months. But the flashbacks occur less often, and the pain is not 24 - 7 like it once was. My eleven year old son is still growing up with married parents even if right now we are usually apart.
Listen to Melody Lane Beafea.
She saved my life whether she knows it or not.
She is someone I can never thank enough for her wise and sometimes very tough advise and often time patience. If you have ever reached out to God, do so now. He cannot change what happened but can support you when you are at your weakest moments when no one else can.

Blessings
Hurtingturkey

Beafea,

You said that you're not married. There will be many 2x4s coming your way. If you're not married, then she hasn't had an affair. She cheated on you, yes, but this isn't an affair since you're not married.

You've been living as a couple, but have never made the lifelong committment that comes with marriage. There is a BIG difference.

You will fire back at me for saying this and will start with the usual rationalizations we see from people in your situation. You'll say that you were in a married like relationship. You will say that you acted as a married couple. You will say that you you've been together so long and have had kids together and that the only thing that you don't have is the piece of paper that says you're married.

But you see, that piece of paper matters. All you have is a situation where a girlfriend cheated on her boyfriend. That's it. Everything else really doesn't matter. You made a decision to have children with someone you're not married to. Now there are consequences. You don't even have a legal leg to stand on since nothing can be used against her from a legal standpoint.

So if you wish to fix this situation, then rebuild a relationship with her and get married. Otherwise, don't marry a cheater and get her out of your life and secure your rights as a father.

But there is no OM. An OM gets involved with a married woman. This one didn't. He got it on with a woman who isn't married but has a boyfriend. Fair game. Your loss, not his.

When I was a single man, I dind't care if a woman had a boyfriend. I'd still hit on women with boyfriends or fiances. If they bit, then that was a testament to the bad relationship they had. My mindset was that they were fair game until they said the actual words, "I do."

So there is no affair here. Two single people decided to get it on. One of them had a boyfriend. She can discard the boyfriend and pursue this guy if she wishes.

The question is why didn't you ever get married? Why play house for all these years with no committment?

You're going to tell me there was a committment. Really, there wasn't. Pretending you're married and actually taking the steps to stand before God and family to committ yourself formally to another person are two very massively big things.

Hate to rain on your parade. My advice is to not be with a woman who will cheat on you. Rebuild your relationship and marry for the sake of your kids or let her go and secure your rights as a dad. But there is no affair here.

Just so everyone understands.

Granted...the fact that we are not married...the paper Means commitment....standing in front of God and announcing our vows and love..Means Commitment....You are without question right...as most people in a long term relationship with 4 kids feels committed...until irresponsibly proven otherwise. The paper means much more than just "Ink Value". It means what it says "Committed to each other".

Reading this brought back a lot of emotions for me. My wife of 26 years cheated on me twice with close friends. The feelings of rage, embarrassment, disbelief and contempt were overwhelming when I discovered everything. I wanted to leave but then again I really didn't want to. I wanted to beat the crap out of someone but I didn't. What I really wanted was for her to suffer and feel the pain I was feeling. Once I recognized that she was suffering mentally I let some of that go.

No one can tell you how to feel at this time. All we can do is offer advice and be a shoulder to cry on. I know I wanted to lash out physically and try to make myself feel better but I resisted that urge and I'm glad I did. I will never have the friendships that I had before but apparently they weren't worth having anyway. What I do have though is a better marriage being rebuilt on a foundation of trust, integrity and understanding.

I will never forget what she did and she knows that. Our marriage will never be the same and we both know that. But life does go on once you both agree to fully committ to one another and move forward as one. The part that is up to you and you alone is the mental anguish this causes you. Learning to let it go is the hardest thing of this process so far for me. I still have bad days with that part. But I want to be with her and for that I will learn to deal with the memories, somehow.

As is said here so often, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. But I, we, understand what you're going through and there's no place better to be right now than here.

Why didn't you get married, BF?

p.s. thank you for your kind words, my good friend Hurtingturkey. you are very much in my thoughts and prayers.

Beafea,

You said a whole lot of things that are red flags to me.

1. You two are not married, and clearly she does not think she is committed to you Do you see the actions of a married woman here? I don't. She wants you to take care of the children and such, but she goes elsewhere to "feel" good. She has not deleted her FB account yet has she? So there is good money on the fact that they contact each other or keep track of one another via FB. It must stop.

2. She did this at her brother's and apparently he is fine with is sister leaving drunk with his best friend and having sex with him, right? This suggest if this statement is true that her family background also suggests that they feel she is not committed to you.

3. She already has made the trade, she just isn't sure she doesn't want both. Not a good sign for recovery. But, it isn't the worst sign either.

4. If I did my math right, you are not the father of all of her children right?

5. You have not told us why the two of you are not married, this is not good.

The next thing I need to tell you and others here will as well, is that it is not your job to punish her. It is your job to lead a good a life as you can and that means protecting your boundaries and living by your moral code. Notice I haven't mentioned her in this statement. It is because she is not your job. You do have some decisions to make. Does she know what you have told us here?


Finally, I will repeat if you want to leave do so, that is your right to decide. But do not leave to "punish her". That is cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL

The sad part of this website is that most here has been through this...The good part of this website is that most here has been through this..... Talking at work with a young guy a few months ago before any of this had happen...on a different subject completely....he sputtered out knowledge isn't wisdom....I quick tongued back....knowledge is generally gained through experience..and experience IS WISDOM. This being one of those life lessons that create wisdom. Sad...so sad..but of value none the less!
Your situation mirrors most all of my emotions..some how I believe that if I pull up a truck and load all my stuff in it and leave.....she will see the dire truth of the matter..which is incredibly wrong and has BIG consequences...she told me today that she didn't think I was the type of person to leave because of how large my heart was and because of how devastated the children would be...which actually just fuels my desire to leave and makes me really pissed. I feel so trapped. This guy that she did that with is a close friend of her brothers and over at there house all the time...which is primarily going to end up in a fist fight..when we run into each other. Even though he is divorced and my wife/fiance was the aggressor in this. She says she is surprised she cheated..she never thought she would be the one. Again I have pretty much neglected my wife for the last 7 years by working a ton of hours and sleeping on the couch..almost never giving her the intimacy she said she longed for....she says if things were like they have been in the last month with us.....me sleeping in the same bed..alot of sex (together..seems trite that I have to identify that) and alot of closeness between us....she would not have done that. To me..the bottom line is simple....yes, there were circumstances...but she made a decision to cheat on me...and the kids...
She says that it was like it was 2 separate worlds...she played in that one...then came back into our world...with our baggage. She never even considered the fall out...just filling her own selfish needs.
I love her.....but it makes me SICK to think about what happened as I replay it over and over in my head. I almost feel as if.....I don't have to get over it..she screwed it up..NOT ME. I have the right to hate her freaking guts.......how will our relationship EVER be the same...EVER. It is tainted....non -exclusive....simply broken in my eyes. She waited 12.7 years in our relationship before she cheated..does that have any value?
Her comment.. "I did it..it is what it is...it is not changing..we can either split up our family (which she does not want to do) or learn how to get through this and grow"....is that an acceptable response from her...seems to rational to me.Rational is not what I am looking for right now....It to disappear..that is what I am looking for. She is working on her part to invest in us.
Tony Robbins said it best..."Just one decision can change your entire life" That holds true 2 fold. Her decision to do what she did and ultimately my decision to stay or go. Both of these have incredible..non-desirable consequences!

Wisdom is knowing how to apply what knowledge in what situation, and what knowledge is utterly useless outside of scattergories and trivial pursuit.

Hi MelodyLane,
As far as not getting married...it just kinda happened that way. We got engaged years ago..but money problems..her getting pregnant...business failures..deaths in family and ultimately loosing some government help with daycare (we would loose it if we got married)her breast cancer..all this kinda made time fly without us being married. She also said that...being married (she did not think) would have stopped her from doing what she did...she felt really lonely inside....
Thanks for all of your input...seems I always know the answers to all of these questions just like to feel other peoples knowledge at work. Black and white....makes gray.