Hello,

My story is not necessarily typical.

I'm 28 and my wife is 23, we've been married for 1,5 years. I'm from an Eastern European country (edit), and my wife is from (edit), USA. We met at a Christian college in US where we both graduated from, and then married after about a year of dating.

The story begins with my wife choosing me and loving me wholly and utterly, I have tears in my eyes when I read the notes and letters she had sent me before we got married. She approached me shortly before I graduated and left to (edit - country), and told me that she was in love with me. It was hard to believe that she was serious, as alot of girls liked me in College, but none would consider a serious relationship with me for one particular reason - I was going back to an underdeveloped country and was planning on helping and ministering to people there and around the world. This is not an American Dream life that so many dreamt of in the 4th wealthiest County in US (where my college was).

So my future wife did consider a serious relationship with me in spite of my plans. I highly respected that, and slowly started to believe that she really was serious. She came to (edit) before we were married, and seemed strong about surviving here. She was an amazing person, and still is, I respect and love her, even after everything we have gone through. My feelings towards her, and our path towards each other was not as romantic as it could have been. We didn't have a romantic engagement, which she was really disturbed by. She had an idea of coming back from her visit to (edit) engaged - because everyone expected her to. While I wasn't necessarily ready for that, I wanted to take things slowly, to make sure she knows what awaits her in life... We did it anyways, she came back with a ring, and I felt little rushed, but never really regretted my choice� After all, we had a wonderful wedding ceremony and a long honeymoon in Costa Rica.

When the married life started, everything seemed fine. We both were novices in sex. My wife was a virgin while I had couple of sexual encounters at 25 years old (which I regretted and hadn't told her about, so she thought I was a virgin too). We didn't know how to make sex fulfilling, and I didn't try hard enough. I would compare her to my previous girlfriends who would have perfect bodies and all of that - which wasn't helpful at all to my psychological acceptance of her looks. She is really beautiful in every way - I just didn't see it.

As an outcome of this - she wasn't satisfied with me sexually, and rightfully so. I would think of her as of a daughter and friend, and not a lover that I desperately wanted. I didn't show enough affection as I should have, and I treated her like a child far too often.

I was frustrated with her always being unsatisfied and complaining so much. Being in different country was a trial in itself for her, as she didn't know the language, had no experience of married life, and etc. I would try so hard to provide things she wanted. I would work and work, thinking that big things like trips to Paris and thru Europe will make her happy, while she apparently wanted small things like love notes, affection and admiration from me...

It is no question to me that I genuinely love her and always had - it's just she didn't feel loved and soon fell out of love with me.

Recent Past_____________________________________

About 3 months ago (8/2010) my wife started talking about wanting to experience a relationship with another man, just because she never had a boyfriend except for me. She was honest with me about her desires. I was trying to be understanding and would talk to her about it. She would say that she just needs to feel the rush of being with a boy, and that's all. I had let her do it, it was so foolish as I see it now, but what is done, is done. She registered at a dating site and started chatting and dating� On her profile, she had put that she was looking for one-night stand, so attention to her from men was overwhelming.

She had met with a few that she didn't like too much. She would share almost everything with me at first. Then she met a guy who was generally very gentle at approaching her. She liked him alot, and would have met with him 2 or 3 times until I started freaking out at change in her. She started to talk about questioning her whole direction in life and motives for being with me. She started thinking of leaving for good. Actually, she started thinking about it even before she met her lover (about a month before).

I soon moved out of the house, trying to give her SPACE and TIME that she would repeatedly request by now. I came next day just to find all of our pictures gone from the walls and our bad sheets in the washing machine. I brought her groceries the next day, while she was at work, and found her Journal laying on the bed side. The last 5 or so pages were about her new acquaintances. The latter man was so far the only one who she had sex with - she was blown away by how good and gentle he was. She loved having sex with him and by 2nd or 3rd meeting was questioning herself whether it was possible to "fall in love with someone so quickly". Other pages of her journal were filled with regret and frustration towards me and how I was a better friend and non existing as lover to her. All of this was so overwhelming to me, my heart was beating so fast and I couldn�t stop crying while I was reading her journal. I didn't realize how unsatisfied she was all that time, how lonely and misunderstood she felt... All of this was my fault.

After finding out about all of her secrets, including encounters from half a year ago (not sexual, just promiscuous). I felt remorse and couldn't hold any secrets from her any longer. The same day I told her about my sexual past and that I wasn't a virgin at the time we married. I also told her about cheating on her with a practical stranger while she was away in US for couple of weeks. My cheating was more of a one-night stand, nonetheless it was cheating and I take responsibility for that. It was a big blow for her. She wouldn't speak to me much, and was now much more ready for her escape - which I should have expected.

She would allow me to bring groceries to her, take care of other household chores. She would occasionally go out with me, especially when her new lover wasn't available. He made himself pretty busy for her, which made her want him only more. She was open about her relationship with him, would even tell me what an amazing sex they had every time... Her lover was moving to England soon, and was on the verge of leaving the country for about 2 months. She timed her departure at just about the same time. He became her out-most fantasy, her sunshine...

All that time (2 months) I was trying to fight for her, beg her for forgiveness, give her gifts, letters, flowers almost everyday, be there for her. It all had very little effect on our relationship. She remained cold, yet nice and considerate.

When I was on the verge of emotional break down, I begged her to stop her relationship with her lover, to which she answered that I have no right of making such requests, and that our marriage was over when I cheated on her this summer (7/2010). Only after I threatened her with divorce, she said that she just needs to meet with him one more time - to say good bye. So she did, 5 days before she left (12/2010). She didn't even bring him home, but had a date in town instead...
I felt happy, that she ended it. She said she "won't be seeing him again"...

Another reason I felt like dying, was that I found more of her thoughts written down from a week ago (middle of 11/2010). Most of it was about her lover and how she hoped that there can be something serious between them. It really sounded like she was willing to marry him if HE gave her an opportunity.

PRESENT_________________________________________________

So as of today 27th of December 2010 My wife is in US, staying with her aunt's family. We just talked on Christmas, where I begged her to give us another chance for the 50th time. We finished our conversation crying together, all seemed well, even thou I didn't feel any lighter after talking to her (everything seemed just like it was a month ago)....

Today I received a copy of the receipt email from Ebay.com that signifies her purchase of an old magazine "A. MERRITT'S FANTASY Magazine" that is to be sent to her lover (as a Christmas gift - I presume). She changed her password prior to make a purchase, but forgot to change forwarding option...
I just talked to her on the phone, right after she found out. She was honest and said that she still doesn't know what her feelings are for him. She indicated that she doesn't feel in love with me and need her TIME and SPACE.

I offered the only thing I could to her - Silence. I don't want there to be any contact for about 6 months. After that I'm sure things will become clearer. Her first reaction was - I won't come back to you after that long... Well, I'm ready for that too, finally ready to end all of this... I do not want to, but if it should - then it must.

Thank you for hearing me out. I would love to hear what you think about this story and about what I should do...

You are both cheaters. In addition you came to the marriage with deception. You have no children and you are from different countries. End it now and learn from your mistakes.

Welcome, dude.
Your story is one we've seen before. You and your WW have both acted independently of each other. You did not create any precautions in your M to protect it. You are now seeing the results of having no boundaries to protect your M.

Some things jumped out at me:
You withheld your sexual history from your W and silently compared her in a negative way to past lovers.

She could sense that.

She was unhappy in her new home. Your response was to 'work and work'. Which left her alone in a strange country. I suspect this was a way to escape her disatisfaction and complaining.

The two of you did not communicate your needs to each other.

Because you were not meeting her needs, she turned to online dating. And you were okay with that. What were you thinking?? Again, I suspect that it seemed like less work for you.

You began to see the negative results of her online behavior, so....you move out! What??

And then you 'fess up about your sexual past, and tell her about your own adulterous behavior.

Your marriage was built on false expectations and was nurtured by cheating on the part of both of you.

If you wish to remain in this M, I would suggest that the two of you get back together immediately. You may need to leave your chosen field of work and return to the US if she cannot adapt to your country.

You've got an awful lot of work ahead of you. Do you want to remain with this woman? How much work are you willing to do? Because it sounds to me like you want it to just happen, with no effort on your part.

I don't think either of you are marriage material and should cut your losses before you cause more harm. The fact that you committed adultery right out of the starting gate is alarming. What is even more alarming is that the agreed upon solution to her missing the romance was to troll for men?? You went along with this, which is amazing.

My suggestion would be to get divorced and start over when you are more grown up and have developed some basic character. Thankfully, you didn't drag any children into this mess.

Speaking as the child of missionaries, and one who grew up mostly on the mission compound, when I first read that, I had a different kind of "ministering" in mind. I'm thinking that, in addition to not really being ready to be married, you're not quite ready to be a "minister", either...and if I were your mission president, I'd like to know that before your, ahem, personal "ministry" destroyed the good name of the mission.

tl

Dude,

I agree with the others and also applaud you for your candor in your post.

What I would suggest is that you read ALL of the articles on this site. I am not sure that you two are mature enough to be married, but clearly you both have done an enormous number of things to destroy the marriage. She is cold hearted to say the least, but you sir, did little to make your marriage a good place for her either.

Learn how to have a good relationship, and then lead your life accordingly. I strongly suspect that your relationship with her has come to an end, but make sure your next one is successful.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you so much for your replies. I definitely respect all opinions here, since many of you are older and more experienced then me.

I agree with most of the replies here, and there is no way to justify my behavior and approach to our marriage.

I'm willing to work at it, and have been, even thou I haven't been as stable psychologically lately...

What I'm confused about right now is the path I should take with her being in love with another man. It used to seem that whenever I try to be closer to her, be there for her, prove my love to her - she feels protected and self assured, which in turn leads her to act more boldly in her adulterous behavior which she refuses to even call adultery - since our marriage is over to her.

It's like she recognizes our marriage and bond only when it comes to supporting her in everyday life and work related things. I feel like I meet these needs and it DOESN'T help her realize anything.

You see, if the man she's in love with was anything amazing it would be one thing, but she has told me her self something like: "Do you really think that he is better than you?". He drinks and smokes, he sleeps with other people's wife's after all..! Yet she is so infatuated, and addicted. I feel responsible for that. That's one of the reasons I was so relieved that she went to US and lives with her aunt at the moment...

I need your advice on how much I should do, and how much silence there should be, so that both of us could realize certain things on our own. In other words, can it be time for plan B?

I feel like I have said everything I could say to her. I've told her how much I love her, I've told her that I will be there for her, and that I'm ready to move anywhere SHE wants to be. I was ready to fly over where she's at anytime...

I just want it to be for real, I want her to KNOW that she wants us to work out. I also understand that I need to show my love to her in real ways.

Thank you for listening!

thndrnltng,

You're right in your opinion that I'm not ready.

We had not started our mission related endeavors together, and have never been associated with any kind of mission boards or financial sponsor of this type.

Instead we were working regular jobs (IT related). Missions have been my dream for the future, it still is, for me.

We could never do anything good for others while I was in the state I was...

Dude,

Your answer to her statement about him being better than you is simple and it is the truth. "He may not be better than me, but you think he is and that is what is killing this marriage."

As for what to do, I really don't know. My thinking is to go to plan B including the letter that explains that until such time that all other men are out of her life, you cannot be in contact with her...it hurts too much." Please look up the templates for the plan B letter.

I really think given my age and how I see the world, that with all that has happened, the difference in world view, the fact that there are no children involved and this is a new marriage, that you two should split.

You could certainly give plan B a try as it will prolong your love for her, but it doesn't sound as if there is much communications anyway.

Just thoughts.

JL

Yes, there is not much communication currently. After she left to US, I tried to talk to her on a regular basis, as she gave me a very sweet good bye, even said that she loves me... But after couple times of talking to her I could sense that she didn't really care that much, so I stopped. She wanted to talk in couple of weeks, which we did, and it seemed to go well, and the very next day she sends her lover a gift that is well thought thru. She has finally admitted that she has strong feelings for him for the first time. Before, she was trying to convince me that it's just a "fling","distraction" and nothing serious at all, while facts were completely opposite...

Amazing thing is that she tells me that she "needs me". All thou all indications are, is that she just needs me to meet her other needs. I think she needs "someone", not necessarily me.

I believe that plan B may just be OK, since talking to a WALL (that's how it feels like when I talk to her) only brings more pain... Especially since I did everything I could to assure her of my willingness to turn my life around and become much better man for her so many times... And yes, I did prove that my intentions were not just intentions, but reality. I tried to give her space and time, I basically became a doormat, doing anything and everything for her, while she would dream of her lover constantly ( nervously checking her cellphone and dating profile every hour or less). Everything was so apparent, she tried to lie to herself for a while, telling herself that it is just a fling, yet she always came around and back to him...She even says it her self - that she doesn't know what she feels and wants...

While my first reaction is to try to help her, be the man she may love again, be there for her in every way... The sad truth is - it DOESN'T work, just like Dr. Harley says that plan A doesn't succeed 85% of the time... Unfortunately, it seems to be the case for us as well... For a long time, I didn't want to realize it. I would say that I can not go on like this to my wife, and I wouldn't talk to her for a few days, but then I would break down, and come crawling back to her - This made an impression of me changing my love for her, and she would say that she can't be sure whether I love her or not. It is because I love her so much, and because I want to help her so much! Complete silence may just be the help we both need at the moment...

I'm not ready to divorce the love of my life thou. I want HER to make the decision and then I will follow her call. I must be patient...

Dude, I hate to break it to you�..you are never going to get your wife back if you just ignore her and let her continue to walk all over you. If you�re not willing to put a stop to the adultery then it may be time to back up and punt.

Wow, the comments are pretty depressing. Isn't there any hope for this MESS? I don't want to believe it...

I'm looking at other threads, and finding so much more hope for people who started them. I know that every comment has been very realistic, and I appreciate that. I guess I want this marriage to work too much...

I know I must allow things to flow naturally, and I'm ready for divorce if things don't improve. It feels like my wife is just trying to find out, just what options does she have if she was to leave for good... She's very careful in doing so. And, yes, she has many reasons to leave me. It's very hard to survive this period, feels like it would be so much easier to just end it all.

Thanks for all your advice and opinions!

You have no kids and your wife was married to a fantasy image of you.

Most American women have no clue as to how much of a downgrade it is to marry a foreigner (I say this as an immigrant who came to this country as a child).

Leaving the US to go to another country is usually a massive drop in standard of living, even if it's someplace like Europe (not as big a drop, but a drop nonetheless).

Throw into that cultural differences, an inability to speak the language, and being away from family and you have a recipe for failure.

Realistically, you guys should not only divorce, but get an annulment. Neither of you was thinking clearly or realistically about this.

Love isn't enough in a marriage.

You have no kids. Count your blessings that you don't and move on.

helpthelostdads,

I know what you mean, but my wife would furiously deny what you just said. She would say that its our marriage (or absence of), and only our marriage that made her look for other relationships, and eventually considering to leave me. She's right that I made it harder for her, by withholding the truth about my past, and by CHEATING - these things are enough to divorce me.

On the other hand, she felt trapped, lonely and confused not only because of me, but also because of the country she moved to, and because it was just a first year of our life together. I felt exhausted and unappreciated, in part because of how this move affected her.

Just about everyone she has met here would ask her things like "Why are you here?", and many would make it apparent, that to them it's just crazy to move FROM US...

Her lover, I'm sure was a big factor in this, since he tried hard to immigrate to UK, in order to find a place that would appreciate him more. Obviously having someone with such an opinion by your side would make a difference...

I always believed that place like the country where I'm from can only make you stronger, which is so important when you're young. After all, we were born into this world, not into a particular country... Also, with internet and new technologies, physical location becomes alot less important.

I'm not saying you could never be ready. Christianity is ALL about redemption and restoration. But there is working and growing to be done before you could be ready to do that again. I'm glad that you see that. It's a very positive sign.

tl

Dude,

I know a few people from your country. I have moved and lived in a variety places in the world.

I think you are right about your behavior and her's being the major issue in the marriage. However, don't under estimate the sense of isolation that she would feel not knowing the language and not feeling part of something.

I don't care if you or anyone moved to your country or the US the inability to speak the language and the inability to feel part of the social part of that country via work, family, or just friends makes for a lonely existence. She was not working, she could not speak the language and frankly most countries are not very welcoming to newcomers if for no other reason than they don't know them or their customs.

Couple all of this with you two being young, newly wed, and not having children and the odds are not good. Is there a chance yes there is, but if you two are to live in your country something must attract her there besides just you. In the best of situations you would/do have two jobs. One to be a good husband and friend to her, and two to help her learn the language and find her place in the new country.

When you were in the US, you learned or improved your English (although the English themselves would argue with that statement ) and you had a ready made social network and function, your school. Now that you are out of school that is not available to either of you.

I really don't know what else to tell you other than learn all you can about relationships and how to conduct them on a high level. And focus on becoming a man of substance that can minister to other people not from a point of superiority but from a point of being a well grounded human being with respect for people. Having an affair shows no respect for yourself, your W, your marriage, or even the woman you had the affair with.

Ok, lecture is over. Please think about this and ask more questions.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning,

Thanks for all your advice. I see that you definitely have a grip on life:)

It was hard for my wife to stay at home, even thou she had quite a few things she loved doing home. She says that during last year, she found what she really wants to do in life. It is not ministry, frankly, the last she said is that she wants little to do with "ministry" - which I understand, I once had a moment (for a month or so), when person I highly respected and loved betrayed me, and then, I also wanted little to do with Christianity - in the end, that occurrence only made me stronger.

To make story short, my wife did have a job as an English teacher for about 4 months. We decided to give it a try as the pay seemed good, everyone at work loved her, and it gave her opportunity to "get out" more. She seemed to like it at first, but soon it became too hard for her. She started to literally hate it. She quit it not too long before leaving the country...

Learning the language was always a goal and hope for me. I knew how important it was. I probably didn't push it enough, since I thought she has enough to get used to, during her first year. I guess you can blame it on me, that she didn't learn much. All thou it is very hard to distinguish, at this time, just how much she wanted to...

Honestly, I don't think that her having a job helped much. She had alot of attention there, and I presume, it helped her self esteem, but that in turn had her start doubting whether I was the best bet...(she would hate me saying this, since I'm not to guess her inner thoughts) I'm not saying that just work had this effect. It was combination of things - spiritual, physiological and relational. I also, tried to help her raise her self esteem, from the time we first started dating, I just failed in the most important areas for her - sex and undivided attention.

All in all, it is true that I married a different girl than what she's now. I married a girl with great expectations, and great hopes. She has became a woman, a woman who still has great expectations, many of them I simply can not afford (financially), and who wants to try "the world", and see whether she can find something better than me. Once again, I don't blame her.

She used to tell me that she wants to try other relationship while she's in the States. Later she said it would be too hard, while staying at her aunt's house. She would say that if she doesn't - she would always wonder...

I really think that she should, since if we just get back together, no matter what and how much I do, she will still wonder if there is more on the other side. She is just that way about everything... In this case - there is no other way than either a real separation with no communication or a real divorce, since I won't last being a doormat much longer...

I have a question for all of you. Is it possible for a wife/husband to fall in love with someone who's almost absolutely opposite of their spouse? I mean big things, like life's direction, faith, habits (like smoking, drinking and etc.)?

If it did happen, what does it mean? I mean really? Is it longing for something different? Is it realization that what you had wasn't for you? Is it temporary state of being, because of broken dreams and hopes?

I know it can be any of these, but how do you tell? And how can you know for sure that it's better not to try getting back together with a wayward spouse?

Lastly, who is the wayward one? Since I had cheated on my wife earlier, and she's cheating now... (it isn't a revenge affair, since she didn't have a clue when she found her self so in love with her lover...)

Thank you all who'll respond