Believe me Harmony, When i saw my wife dieing from the consequences she brought on herself. I still knowing I did all I could to help her avoid them, did not have peace within myself.

You understand this right? When you had the A, out of anger and frustration, it didn't bring you what it promised did it?

Niether will an angry reaction born of frustration. Let him hit bottom, and pray for his rising out of the ashes.

Ok nuff Pep talk on waiting for now. Gonna leave you alone. You gotta be happy bout that huh?

You know what to do.. or at least not what to do.. for now.

Hi Guys

The magic of Plan B is starting to have an impact. I woke up today feeling a lot more peaceful and back in the driving seat. I am not there yet, but the pain seems to be quietening and feel calmer. I have always been a Plan B fan!!

Have started to get some nice things planned and am working towards getting every weekend in Jan organised with some plans. Going skiing 1 week, spa weekend with mum and weekend with girls another. Leaving 1 weekend free!

I am going to enjoy this time alone.

I really now understand the power of Plan B for me! It is important whetheri reconcile with H or not. I need to be happy on my own without needing anyone and build a full happy life without needing a man.

In the NY I will get the house on the market. I really feel that there are too many bad memories in this house. It was supposed to be our dream family home, that we renovated together, but he has had women here.

I have done a lot of work here on myself and now know that I settled for far less than I deserved pre A, I did all the work in the M and understand the reason for my terrible decision to have the A was resentment. I did try and communicate this to him many times, H just said I was nagging.

H took me for granted and that I was right before the A that he was not giving
me the time and attention I deserved. Whether he realises this or not remains to be seen. I think he may realise this, which is why he is trying to show me that he is capable. I think by spending time with other women he has started to realise the value of me.

Also, I do believe that he wants to come back, but come back on the premise that he has done nothing wrong pre and post affair. I can't do that otherwise it's never going to work.

Anyway I will think about a plan b letter, once it shows that it is having some effect.

You have not given him an updated PlanB letter? Sorry I am following quite a few threads.

This is usually done pre innitiation. This is done so there are clear cut boundries, and there are no loose ends to ramble around in your mind. This is done for your sake, not his.

Right now, without a PB letter, you guys are just having another argument that you refuse to see him-- for the time being.
Post letter I think it will sink in.

I think you are going to find out that Plan B works best when you do not think about your WH at all.
P.S. "I will think about a plan b letter, once it shows it is having some effect".

In a proper plan B, you should have no idea at all what the effects are on your spouse. Only if and when he comes out of the fog and home can you have any contact with him.
JMHO

Well thats interesting I suppose, but hardly a clear light in the tunnel for either of you, when things are darkest, or a direction to go specific either.

Maybe its the new plan W, Plan Whatever Pops up and sounds good at the moment.


Im sorry Harm but can't you put what you would like in your marriage into words so he has something to go on? So you do too? Or do you feel that low that you still don't know yet if marriage is for you?


Otherwise is seems you have a healthy and very objective view on what happened, and its great to hear you are feeling the magic of plan B.

Someone elses take on the delayed Plan B letter Idea please. I might be wrong but doesn't the letter serve a very important purpose while thier is no contact?

Ok need to put something together as I have not done that yet.

Can I post Plan b letter to his parents house ?

Sounds right to me

Also have decided to go and stay with my friend for awhile. I need to get away from the house it's such a trigger I need a break from it.

Guys I agree will draft a letter and post.

In your case, I would be careful so his Mom wouldn't open it.

Is there some way to put it under his wiper arm? A mutual friend? A certified letter?,(costs about $7 here in states),

How about spending some of your bigbucks on a private messenger?

I just wonder how much his Mom is effecting him in this, and she doesn't speak of you well does she?


Its a letter between you and he and very private.

Cool



Run one by us and we will help you tweak it.


Your doing good Harm

OMG his mother is a big influenced on him and she is toxic, she wants him all to herself or with someone she can control. I hold a lot of anger for this. I actually really dislike her, I don't dislike anyone.

It really upsets me.

I could leave it underchis wiper.

Yeah I remember you talking about her in the beginning of your thread when we were talking about his IB. See that how we can help with the letter too. We are your sounding board.

Ok thank you, ahhh don't mention her! I was so serene

he is so controlled by her, he denies it and says I am controlled by my mother.

Ok have some Plan B questions if anyone can help out.

How do you deal with friends/family who say ditch the bum?

How do your stop yourself obssessively thinking about WH? I think about my sitch all day everyday

How long does it take until you find real peace without them?

What are the rules of Plan B? No fb checking ect...

How do you treat WH if you run into them?


Thank you guys!

In plan b you shouldn't know anything about his actions from phone, email, text, drive by's, or through friends or family. He should not be able to get a hold of your status either even if he looks at your facebook. Pretend he does not exist, he never did, don't talk to friends or family about him. You can tell them that you are doing this to protect yourself and don't. Want to talk about him.

Hi Harmony,

Wow, first just looking at your last few posts I fully realize that you have had a stress holiday. Second, just looking at my initial list of my new year resolutions, and I feel I need to add one. That would be to set aside funds to travel to the UK, take you to dinner, and then back home, put you over my knee and give you the hardest spanking you have had in years! That would hurt me more than it would you...even if I spanked your bare butt!!

The point is babe stop being so godamned emotional. That is not exactly MB, but what the hell! Look sweeti, I am really really wondering if he is anywhere near the worth of your concern. Char and I and our son had a great Christmas, until yesterday when she got sick - upset stomach and diarreha. So, had to help her shower to clean, clean the area, and all of that. I have to hold on to her in the shower for concern that she could fall, and she just looked at me and said to me god tom are you getting turned on again! That was the farthest thing from my mind at that moment but I kissed her breasts and well we both knew I was teasing her but she seemed to like it and she seemed to feel better about me having to help her.

Ms. Harm the question I have for you and the one you need to address is: is this the guy you would and could trust with your well-being and your heart 30 years from now. I was once your age and so was Char and we were happy, altho not w/o some strife. Point is, to get there you have to be very fortunate, you have to be honest and KNOW that your partner is as well, and you have to be independent, but a partner in the marriage circle.

Good grief Ms. Harm but take very good care of your heart,

Tom

Ms. Harmony,

I just wanted to add that you have a special person by your side in Constant, maybe a little too philosphical for me, but if I were going thru this I would want him at my side as well.

By the way, am not watching a John Wayne movie tonight - I almost was slapped on Christmas Eve when I teased Char that we should watch 'A John Wayne Christmas'. There is no such movie, but she dislikes JW and when she realized I was teasing her it got a rise from her - like she almost threw me out on the patio in the snow. Anyway.

We did watch "Fkawless" with Michael Caine who we both really like. A good mystery film.

The Best,

Tom

Hiya Tom

Thanks for your kind words it means a lot.

I am finding peace in my life, and taken the focus off H. I have lightened up loads and starting to enjoy life again, settling into Plan B nicely.

Had a great day today. Staying at my GF place in London, we have been out all day. Got up early went for brunch, then walked along the Thames in London watching all the buskers, went to the Tate Modern then onto the National Gallery. Saw loads of famous paintings Monet, Van Gogh, Renoir and Rembrandt. Not a massive art fan but cool to see some of the originals.

Just chilling at home now watching Helen of Troy, great film, the face that
launched a 1000 ships!!

It has been nice staying at my friends rather than my house, realised that's a trigger for me.

yes I know Constant has been very patient and kind and I appreciate his time.

Constant is a blessing to anyone he touches, and what more, the more I read from him, the more it seems to me that he has dedicated healing from his pain to being just that; a blessing in the lives of those whom he can reach.