When I went to the National in the eighties, the one painting I found most fascinating was this one.

Saint Sebastian

I didn't see that one! Very good though, I like it.

My favourite happened to be some Renoir paintings, although I did love some of the Monets, especially Japanese Gardens.

I am going to try and get a trip in Spring to Paris to see the Lourve, haapens to be one of my favourite cities and I can pretend I am in Da Vinci code

Harmony,

So what is your plan for the New Year? I don't mean the night, I mean for this coming year. Plans don't always work out, but they make a good starting point for guiding your decisions and how you would like your life to go.

It does sound as if you are now doing much better and that is good to see/hear.

Look forward to your response.

JL

In my best "Goofy" impression..."Gawrsh!!..Aw shucks fellers"

When we lose someone we love, when they turn into an alien, when we are rejected and used and abused or make such seriuos mistakes we can't forgive ourselves because we are still taking ourselves seriuosly. The worst thing is the lonliness.

I get as much from you all as I can ever give. This place, what it stands for, and the people in it have been a lifesaver for me. Without it I would not have anywhere to fellowship with the truth and my own convictions on love and human behavior.

I have allways been someone who needs to understand why. Someone made a comment about someone else that they were a "why" person in a thread. I guess that describes me too, but in many ways it has bit me in the butt, because sometimes you just gotta trust that things are the way they are, and you might not be able to change them. But I am just to much of a PITA to not try, and to find out why.

This has gotten me in trouble for sure in my life. Asking the teacher lots of questions, challanging the shop steward in the closed shop union job, questioning the authority why. Maybe that why I am so philosophical Tom, and sometimes over think and put things under a microscope, and even lose objectivity because of that. I think the serenity prayer even is a challange.

" God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Strength to change the things I can..
And the Wisdom to know the difference"

The wisdom is the tough part, and I am disposed to taking a beating before I learn, stubborn fool that I am.

Believe me I say again that this place and my rambleings help me as much as they might help others see life differently and from other perspectives. If God didn't want us to be safe, he wouldn't have given us the examples found in the bible to show us where we could go wrong, or where others had done the same, and we are not alone in the human condition. What kind of person would I be if I did not point out the pitfalls or comfort where I could others?

As I process my blindness, mistakes, and selfish feeling sorry for myself I also am coming to the realization that this is part of life, and the best thing I can do is help others avoid whatever crap I have fallen into before, and encourage them there is a way back, out, around, or over what they must go THROUGH, in what is the most important and spiritual bonding they will ever have in thier life with another human being.

I think a lot of us would wish we never went to some of the places we did and "ignorance" of them would have been truly "bliss"

I am healed by you all also, and your kind words have caused me to hurt my arm trying to pat myself on the back, but "thats my story and I'm stickin to it". "Aw shucks and gawrsh". Keep prayin for me if your the prayin type, I'm still a kid tryin to learn.

Yes back on point, how is your plan B letter coming along?

Hi JL

Good to hear from you, I hope you enjoyed the holidays.

I am doing much better, managed to get things under control. I was very upset Christmas morning but I needed to get things out! I haven't had a good cry in a long while.

I do feel a strong sense of rejection from my H, but I guess he needs this time alone also. He has checked out of the M, when I spent some time with him when my Dad passed away, he talked about us both using this time alone to work out what we want, that he is scared that if he comes back I am going to give him hell for his treatment. I believe it is less about my A nowe, but more about how he has treated me, I guess it is going to be down if he is willing to be honest with himself, how he has treated me and if he is willing to deal with that. Also, for him to stant upto his mother and brother who would be very anti us reconciling, time to put his big pants on or not. H also seems adamant that he has nothing to feel bad for, that anything after my A was irrelevant. H told me I needed to sort myself out, and when I have then to get back in contact with him! He told me that I needed to show a softer side to myself and not be so needy! Everything he says leaves me confused. Softer? Too needy? We have practially lived appart for the last 8 months and I have mainly let him get on with it! He also told me that he loves me and that it would be so much easier if he didn't. He also said that the risk of our separation is that we both coulod meet someone else and that he would hate it if I did. I told him I am not remotely interested in anyone else. Anyway I don't want to think about him, it leaves me in a spin.

My main plan for this year is to find some happiness, peace and joy in my life, I have had such an awful year. Yes I have grown and learnt so much in 2010 but now I want to live and enjoy life. Especially with my father passing away shows you how precious life is.

It is difficult to plan for the year, but I have had a go;

* Stick to Plan B, unless my H through actions can show a change in perspective, thoughts and approach to M.
* In Feb, unless my H can show a change, file for D.
* Expand my circle of friends
* Only spend time with people who are positive to be around
* Have some exciting trips planned
* Learnt to be happy on my own without a man
* Look after myself, by not smoking, excercising, sleeping and eating well.
* Treat others with respect, kindness and empathy
* Sell my house - as whatever happens with H I won't want to live here

How does that look? It feels a bit bland.

Harmony.

Those are great goals to begin with.
PB usually lasts more than a few weeks, I think.

Hi Harmony,
So glad to hear some calm in your words this morning........The New year is always a good time to give yourself some goals to live by..........
8 months is a fair bit of time to live apart and make some decisions about your life.
I would send your husband a Plan B letter and then go on and live your life to the fullest, get the bucket list out and start checking off some of the things you have wanted to do...
Keep an open mind, meet new people and maybe go in directions you wouldn't normally, sometimes doing something different opens up possiblities you wouldn't have thought your life would have.........
I would start with working hard, exercising and exploring life........
If you enjoy those 3 things life will be full of accomplishment and good health, take the time to see the world and life differently.......unstick yourself........
You will know after some time has passed if the life you are leaving is worth staying in..............
There is no rush for a final decision..........
Time heals all and it gives you time to understand what Harmony needs and wants..................

So, sweet Harmony, how far have you run today?

Thanks Jessi - this is what I intend to do. I think H is doing the same, finding out about life without me and if I am worth the return, probably not!

All,

Here is my Plan B letter - would appreciate some thoughts...

DH,

I want to tell you how much I truly love you and how sorry I am for creating this mess we are in. It is the worst decision I have ever made, and one that I will always regret for the rest of my life. I know I put you through incredible pain, both through the affair, treatment of you and lies. I am ashamed of my behavior.

I honestly believe that it was a self destructive cry for help rather than a love affair. I have realised that I have self destructive coping skills that surface when I am stressed, depressed or unhappy. The stressful new job, the house move, the house building, your business finance issues, the wedding, the fertility problems, Dads cancer, Emma�s breakdown, inability to please you, all took its toll and I did not know how to cope.

In the past 6 months, which has been very tough I have used this time to work on me and implement new coping tools, as this would have been prime time for me to get self destructive, but I have made it on my own and learnt to cope and be strong without doing anything I am ashamed of.

I take full responsibility for the position we are in, but I cannot take responsibility for some of the actions and decisions you have taken since. Some of those actions have been very painful and caused me many sleepless nights, pain, nightmares, tears and anxiety.

I have learnt that in order to receive forgiveness I need to give it too. I do not want to have a pissing contest of who hurt each other more, or whose decision was worse than the other it is a waste of time.

What I do want to do is apply new principles from the ground up, it�s what I have been waiting for for 8 months�..but I cannot build a marriage alone.

I still believe we can have a wonderful marriage one day if we truly made a DOUBLE effort at it with both of us. If you choose not to be with me, then I will also promise that we can end this marriage gracefully.

I truly love you H, and I want to have a happy fun life, doing all the amazing things we have talked about, you know what I mean. I want to do it with YOU, I really believe in you.

However, until we are both committed I have asked for no contact as it is too painful. I hope you understand. If you need anything from the house or me, please contact sis.

I love you dearly, Harmony.

Harmony,
I think this sounds good, but I didn't use a Plan B letter, I'm sure one of the vets will read and make suggestions for you.........
You have come a long way in your emotional thinking and I think you must be proud of the changes you have made inside.........
You are now in a position now to tackle anything that comes your way.......You have your own personal boundaries that you can live with and expect from others....
You will never be ashamed of anything you ever do again...........You have learned what to expect from others in terms of respect........You have learned what honesty and trust is all about............I think you are ready to live life peacefully and honestly I can't wait myself to hear all the good things coming to you Harmony..............Life is a wonderful thing if you allow yourself to enjoy it, from the little things to the big pieces of life.......it's all wonderful..............

don't get me wrong though, the way I feel about him at the moment I don't really want to give him a Plan B letter.

My prefered letter would be I thank my lucky stars I found your true colours now whilst you smirked watching me in the worst pain imaginable. Good riddance.

Tried to bump it...

try this.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1642447

Maybe it's his true colors, or maybe he is just dumb enough to let his emotions run the show.

In intention, I view an RA as even more cruel than an A - because - in cases like yours - one may do it purposely to inflict pain. The operative term is may. They may also do it to prove that they can walk away, find someone new, and be alright. Or, they might fall into it accidentally as they seek support.

Additionally, as you sometimes state yourself, the WS who is now a WS/BS will often view themselves as "deserving" this treatment of an RA. Not in any way, form, or fashion true... but, that's how you feel. FWW has stated to me several times that sometimes she wishes I would engage in an RA. I slap her with a DJ, and tell her she's nuts.


Harmony, you two have dished copious amounts of pain and confusion onto each other. I think that's why I'm kind of drawn to watch you.

One minute, you post how you are done, and how cruel and horrible he is... then an hour later, you post about how much you love him, and how you want to have the chance to be happy with him.

Thankfully, you are posting these wishy-washy thoughts, and not acting upon them. As you now know, once a thought or feeling is acted upon, that action cannot be retracted.

Keep that in mind.

Find peace - through it maybe he can find peace as well.

I can tell you that your Plan B letter misted me up this morning.

Hi HHH

Good post.



Not sure, tired of mindreading


I can tell you that is a bit of all factors, to prove he is attractive, feed his ego, to see if he can be happy with someone else and as emotional support, an ear if you like.



Its horrendous, because you not only have the pain of your affair that created the mess, the pain you caused your H, you also have the pain of their affairs to endure.



I use the board to post the thoughts, as I am sometimes in conflict about the M. The conflict being, I love him very much HOWEVER do I want to spend my life who wants to 'make their spouse pay' to the point they are a wreck on the floor gasping for air? I had not seen this side to him in the 9 years I have known him. Here being the conflict. However, we are all capable of making bad decisions and changing, hence wanting to give it a little time.

Thanks for checking in!

I'm not innocent. I "want to make her pay."

Not by having an RA, though.

The ultimate revenge is happiness, success, and health - with or without her.

OK - could do with some advice please.

I have listed on a ski forum, to join a group or go with another female over NY. I have swapped a number of emails with another girl called Alex, I have spoken to her on the phone and she seems really nice, she is a lecturer at Uni in London. We are both at a loose end and want to go skiing for the NY.

It is quite random, but she seems really nice, and I get to go skiing for a few days, TOMORROW!!

I am a bit worried that it is a bit soon after my Dad died and with my H situation.

Either that or I will just really be hanging around for the next 5 days, probably just having the odd dinner or lunch with friends and family.

What do you think?

Go.

It will distract you from both your Dad's death and your H.

You will meet new people, get exercise, change of scenery and not be hanging and moping.

Go.

As long as it's NY and not Maine - cables are snapping on ski lifts up there!

OMG!! this is really random but I love it!!

We are just checking out if we can get accomodation or not, then we will book the flights.

Thanks Guys! Beats hanging around Pompey in the mist

Hope I get to go