Okay, I have an FB friend who was in my MFA program who is currently involved in an A and is in the process of divorcing his wife. He regularly makes negative comments about his wife and talks about his new girlfriend. Up until this point, I have tried to stay out of it, but I just couldn't hold my tongue any longer, so I commented on one of his posts today and called him out for flaunting his adultery all over FB.

He's rather upset by this and decided to retaliate by bringing up details of my A (which he knows about, since my A was with a classmate of ours during grad school). He's basically said that he feels sorry for me because I didn't have the courage to leave my marriage and be with my AP, like he's doing.

I'm sort of torn here. On the one hand, I hate to see other people topple down the slippery slope of adultery, and I try my best to reach out and help others who find themselves in this situation. I really want to use my own experiences to help others. But on the other hand, this person is bringing up some very painful things from my past and pretty much airing them all over FB and attacking me for the decisions that I made.

How do you know when it's time to pull back in a situation like this and accept the fact that maybe the person you're trying to help isn't ready yet?

Time 2 would be when you find out the person in question is in affair-la-la-land and will strike back visciously when you upbraid him for his actions.

Time 1 would have been then, when you knew damn well he was in affair-la-la-land, was not asking for advice from you, and would strike back visciously when you upbraided him for his actions. You knew it because you intially had the good sense to hold your tongue, and refrain from (publicly? not clear) calling him, in effect, a scurrilous cheater and breaker of his marriage vows.

Now, if you knew him well enough to approach him PRIVATELY and warn him of the ruinous path he was on, he might have been more receptive, or at least have had the returned decency to say ,"Thanx, W1, but I'm a big boy, so please don't lecture me." (Did you at least de-friend him, or whatever you do on FB?)

Well, you asked........

@writer1 -

Have you made a stand against adultery in your marriage?

What does your Husband say? Does he want you both to make a stand at this point in both your recoveries?

Can you apply pressure to the affair? Maybe the only pressure is to remove yourself as a friend.

Choice is yours.

Well, he publicly admits to breaking his marriage vows. In fact, he makes it a general rule to publicly air most of his dirty laundry on FB, as well as his 3 blogs, so I doubt he cares much about that sort of thing. His status basically said that his wife was upset about his new girlfriend, and I wasn't the only one who pointed out that most wives would be upset about that sort of thing (that's pretty much all I said initially).

I don't generally back away from calling people out simply because they're in affair la-la-land. It's sort of like feeding into someone's delusions. If no one says anything, how are they supposed to know that their version of reality isn't shared by everyone else in the world? Perhaps I should have done it privately, but I suppose I avoided that since he is of the opposite gender and I don't generally make it a habit of sending private messages to FB friends of the opposite gender anymore.

No, I haven't de-friended him and I'd like to avoid that.

What exactly do you mean by making a stand against adultery in my own M? I'm definitely against it. So is my H. Isn't that taking a stand?

I think the only influence I have over this person is sharing my own experience with how hurtful adultery can be to everyone involved (including the adulterers themselves). I generally don't make it a habit to tell active adulterers about this site (though I have directed a few BS's here for help and general support). In this case, I don't know his wife and she isn't on FB as far as I can tell.

Its just the irish in me, but I would not only debate with him but would tell him that I fully intend to unfriend him because I don't associate with liars and adulterers. Tell him you would not expect any decent person to associate with YOU when you were having an affair because "friends" don't sit around while "friends" behave like a SLEAZEBAG.

I wouldn't do it privately either. He is flaunting his filth publicly so do it publicly.

writer, I question why you have a liar and a cheater as a friend. Surely you see that is not friend material.

May I ask why? First, because he's no friend of yours if he's bringing up things about you and putting them on FB. A friend would NOT do that!Second because I don't see you continuing to be friends with him after this call-out.

Because I want to help him. It pains me to see others go to the same self-destructive place that I have been to, and I want to share my experiences in the hope of helping others realize what they are doing to themselves and their loved ones.

I separate the person from the action, I guess. I know he's not a bad person. He's just in a dark place right now. It's a dark place I've been to, and I want to give him a light at the end of the tunnel.

First, this does not sound like a friend. Second, if he is ok with what he is doing then why did he get so defensive?
IMO I think you should un-friend him so you don't have to see what a mess he is creating. What he is doing is upsetting you, you can't do anything to help him so it is a waste of your time to bother with him.

Fine. Let him no that you are there to help if he ever wants help. Doesn't sound like he does.

Then un-friend him.

Then go into a dark plan B just like you would a WS. E-mail him a plan B letter tailored to your stitch. Tell him you do not condone what he is doing and you can not watch him destroy his life. Tell him if in the future he wants your advice on how to right his wrongs you are willing to talk to him.

I am just curious, how long and how well do you know this person?

I've known him for about 4 1/2 years. We met in grad school. I haven't seen him since I graduated though, since he lives in North Carolina and I live in California. But we've kept in touch, mostly through FB. My MFA class has a page just for graduates of our program. Why?

You help him by telling him that you won't be a friend to a liar and a cheater. Tell him you have higher standards. THAT is what a true "friend" does. Otherwise you are just an ENABLER.

I don't have the slightest idea what it means to "separate the person from the action." How else would you judge a person if not by their actions??

All you do by remaining friends with a BAD GUY is drag yourself down to his level by associating yourself with evil. That helps no one. When one of my friends/relatives is lost, I offer my help but if they don't straighten out I make it clear I will not associate with a liar or a dopehead or ________ because I won't sit by while my "friend" destroys his life. No friend would do that. Taht is the behavior of an ENABLER.

But is this not some of the consequences of you having an affair. By making a stand, I meant that you accept and own your affair.


Is this the hurtful thing? Why would you be hurt over having the courage to make a stand for your marriage and accept that you made a mistake. Why don't you cry this from the rooftops. Especially to someone who is in the fog. Is it possible for you to be a lighthouse?

writer, you are sending him the message that you will befriend a mean, cruel SOB and that you have no standards. That is the wrong message to send to a wayward person. What helps a wayward person wake up is when all the decent ppl in their life will have nothing to do with them.

Decent people don't hang with liars and adulterers and mean SOBs. I am sorry, they just don't. Your "friend" is a mean a**hole who does not deserve friends.

How about you spend a lot of energy finding his wife and show her this site.

Let her be his light at the end of the tunnel?

Is this the hurtful thing? Why would you be hurt over having the courage to make a stand for your marriage and accept that you made a mistake. Why don't you cry this from the rooftops. Especially to someone who is in the fog. Is it possible for you to be a lighthouse?
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To clarify, no that was not the hurtful thing he said. It was something else.

I would love to do this, but I don't know how. I searched for her on FB, but I didn't find anything. I know her first name, but I'm thinking that she may have kept her maiden name, and I don't know it.

That's not the message I want to send.

But this isn't how people treated me during my A, and I'm glad for that. People let me know, in no uncertain terms, that they didn't approve of what I was doing, but that they still loved me and cared about me and wanted to help me. They didn't call me names and shun me. I don't see how that would be helpful.