Guys

Just popping in here to say what a scumbag OM was. I have been doing a lot of thinking about how far I have come and realise that OM claimed he was unhappy with his GF for about 3 years prior to meeting me, and he used me as an exscuse to get out of the relationship. OM never told his GF about me, but used it for himself to jumpship.

Also, when I was at work before anything happened with him and I his GF use to call and ask him what he wanted for dinner and he spoke to her so rudely, almost trying to make a point to me, yes I have a GF but could not give a monkeys toss about her! What a charmer!

He also use to claim that he did her a favour by staying with her as she had lots of stressful things to cope with. How nice of him!

Oh and how could I be so stupid? Yuk, it was gross.

Puking icon at the ready......

Girl, you are on board. Nice.

I think it's all card-carrying behavior for the home-wrecker's club.

Hey Harm just stoppin in quick to say Hi....


How far did you run today? Lol

Gotts lot of stuff goin on and I thought I would wait and let the pros look over the plan B letter but I did have a question.

Do you think you need a "bullet list" of requirements before you felt safe with reconciliation?

Besides that I think it is very heartfelt. More later on it.

Gotta go, Seeya soon.

Lol, I was confused at first When Harm used NY as short for New Year. Shes in Jolly old UK WHot?

Cherio Old bean

Finally!

You can proudly send this year away... and step to the new one!

I will DEFINETLY not be sad to see the back of this year.

Redirected a load of post that has come to the house, to H mums house. First time I have started doing that. Sends a strong message.

Enjoy your date Tom, sounds like the perfect NY to me! Make sure you take her somewhere nice, us girls like to be spoiled you know, no burger joints!!

Constant old bean, have you checked out my Plan B letter yet? I think I need to add some reconcile T&Cs this is what I had in mind;

* Be nice to your wife all times not just when you have done something wrong
* Not allowed to sleep with OW
* 5 years of counselling
* Cut apron strings from mommy
* Anger mgmt classes
* At least 1 compliment a year

Sorry I just can't help it, I am only venting

I have read a lot of Dorrys posts today, it is a shame she is not here anymore. I could have done with some of her advice.

I really liken my situation to hers, what led to my A, how her H reacted, how she had to do a lot of work on herself...

I have come to the conclusion, that I never really understood men that well. I am learning though, I have spent some time reading on the species

I am so sad at the situation my H and I find ourselves in and I guess now is as good a time as any to ask if there is any sign of hope?

I guess I find it difficult to enforce T&CS to a reconciliation, if he should ever wish to do so. After all, I was the one that created this mess, my A was very abusive. I behaved appallingly towards him, for example;

* I kept the A a secret from him, mainly because I was a coward, but also telling him would mean that I would probably lose him.
* I left our home, to continue the A and to escape the reality of what I had done
* I went on a business trip and hardly contacted my H
* I went to see a MC with my H, at my suggestion, but never confessed the affair
* H read emails between OM and I, talking about sexual acts and how strong our feelings were. This one is a bit weird as about 3 weeks after the A started with OM, I broke down crying saying I have made a big mistake and I love my H very much. My h read those ones also.

Even before the A, I was not the best wife and my H mentions many things that he was unhappy about. Now they seem quite small fry in relation to the A! However, I did do things that did not take his feelings into consideration.

Hence I find it difficult to list terms and conditions to reconcile. Any thoughts?

Like Dorry, I suppose I made a MASSIVE assumption that my H just did not love me that much, as he did not say so. One of the things that led to the A, well H is not that bothered he doesn't want to spend time me, this other guy does! Yuk

However, H way of showing he loved me was through a different way, it was through his work/job/house building....H never really said it through words, unless in a text or card, he struggled to tell me.

At least I understand things better now.

I think I have gotten a little addicted to the MB site, I have learnt so much here.

I keep meaning to pull away but can't.

Do I post a new thread how to cure MB site addiction?

Harmony, my WH also convinced himself that I did not love him. I've never understood this and he remains perplexed whenever I tell him that I do still love him. It must be a special kind of wayward fog babble to deny what is so obvious to the rest of the world.
I, for one, need that thread! It's become a compulsion to read posts, post to my own thread, and seek validation here. I view it as a necessary support, but one that I need to cut back on when I go back to work next week. I need to concentrate on healing Meggin and this place sometimes inflames my hurts, whether through processing my own life or through reading about others' successes and failures in this awful club no one wanted to join.

It's a good addiction, Harmony Think 'AA for Waywards and Their Loved Ones'

Harmony,

I would not post a new thread if I were you. This is your history and it allows folks to follow it easier. As for addictions? Nonsense! There is no such thing says the guy that has been here 11 years.

As your life stabilizes you will find your need to be here less or you will change roles and become someone who helps others, which is a very good addiction to have as long as it does not short circuit your life.

As for us guys, ask and we will answer. Of course you can expect many different answers but it seems to me you are continuing to gain insight into what really went on during all of this.

At some point your H might want to hear what you have truly learned about yourself, your perspectives about him, and your perspectives on marriage. Not now though as you are in plan B.

Have a great NEW YEAR.

JL

Nah, I am gonna stay addicted to this place.

Like food, which I am addicted to too and need the right stuff, friends and good advice is a good addictive diet.

As long as you stay away from the fatty emotional highs, and the poisons of poor choices, you will be lean and mean in no time.

By the way, How many miles today?

Lol bbl gotta run

JL

I have some questions already if that's ok!

Did I do the right thing doing Plan B?

Do you think my H may use this time to reflect on the situation?

When should I Break Plan B?

Thank you, Harmony

Harmony,

You asked
I'll do my best to offer my thoughts, but the decisions are yours.

Did you do the right thing going to plan B? You seem to be getting out of the emotional mess you found yourself in and you are starting to analyze things. Could you have done that within the drama of your H being there and not being there?

I don't think so. I knew and know that your intentions were/are good now, but you were too much of an emotional mess to handle the growth you needed, your Father's situation, and your H's actions all at once, so yes I think it was the right thing.

Harmony, I don't have a clue about your H. I have never spoken to the man. One can hope but plan B is not about him doing or not doing anything really, it is about you, about preserving love for someone and giving a situation time, ending the affair for one thing. I hope he reflects on things, but who is to know.

When should you break plan B? Interesting question, if you sent him a plan B letter, it should have stated what conditions you needed met to consider contact with him again. If you did this then the time to break plan B is when he has done so. Did you give him a way to let you know? You should.

You can also break plan B if you decide on divorce, but usually you let the lawyers do the information transfer then.

But, Harmony the most important thing here is what are your goals with regard to H and your marriage. That will allow you to answer these questions in a more focussed way. Also what are your goals for yourself, this also weighs into the answers.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Harmony, you know that I always look out for what is best for you. I saw something that I just MUST post about. It was a hole in my Plan B that I have since blocked up.

See, 12.5 months after my WH left to live with OW, he still hasn't changed his address, ON ANYTHING. I did, at one time, forward his important mail to IMs. I have since decided that I was NOT going to do that anymore. I now RTS(return to sender). Whatever happens to it after I do, doesn't matter to me.

As far as the addiction to this site, I wouldn't say it is a bad thing. You will know when you need to pull back. Sometimes, I take mini breaks from MB. If you need to, know that we will be here.

So, what fun things are you doing tomorrow?

Ms. Haromony and Just Learning...


I am probably going to be edited or booted for saying this JL, but jesus this site could be addicting because I think you prolong it. I think Ms. Harmony is fully capable on her own of deciding whether or not the Plan B is a good thing and if her inner feelings are correct. Life experience advice, which Constant offers, and technical advice if fine in my opinion, but day-to-day questions having her going back and forth is upsetting.

Sorry Ms. Harm for my posting my last to you, but I do not regrest posting it.

Haven't read all of your recent posts, but you were supposed to be on vacation...and racing down a ski slope in a skimpy ski suit!...*s* What happened!

Seriously, take the next few days to attempt to truely decide what is best for you, no matter your H's distractions.

Ya know what, and I honestly don't think about this that much, but I am closer to death, and you are closer to birth. When Char was here over Christmas I walked to the store to get something I forgot for the dinner. Not a long way, and of course I am John Wayne reincarnated, but was a harsh wind and tough walking. She was concerned when I got back and sat me down and simply told me in no uncertain terms not to do that again. I am not that old Ms. Harmony, but not that young that I can assume that I am John Wayne. My dad died way back in Janurary 1943 when I was six months old, and we were told by our mom that it happened because he had neglected to go to the hospital when he was having a heart attack. He died in the family car on a snowy January day trying to get home.

The point is Harm, and I am not trying to be morbid, that when you get to be my age you sort of do reflect on the people you would want with you when you are called by Christ, and you want those people to be the true ones in your life. I know where I am in my life. I sort of now wonder how your H will feel at my age if he misses this opportunity to be with you forever.

Tom

Your WH hasn't even got to the point of seeking help yet and he wont untill you give him more time in plan B

Put a bullit list of requirements in the letter you posted, and run it by us ok?

The list might be upsetting to him and seem unfair at first, but no matter what, he will see them as nessesary eventually. Don't worry we will help you tweak it.

Don't forget, make the list reflect what you would consider the best marriage ever with the best Husband ever. A Dream marriage, don't you see thats what you can have?

Again don't worry we will help you keep it real

Post us that list pronto!!


Then, you can have total peace in a dark B.

Then, you can set a timeline for quitting.

Then, you can take that time for you.

We will be here for the duration.