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OP
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so here is my story:
my boyfriend and i were together for two years. he is a personal trainer and stopped doing private training so i wouldnt worry about anything. he also cut out any other women in his life and anyone that could potentially threaten our relationship. i however, did not. i used to enjoy going out with friends and drinking, and that was never his scene so he would stay home and i would just see him after. eventually i got tired of that and i stopped drinking and stopped going out and our relationship got a lot better. we were happy. but whenever we would fight i would go out with my bestfriend (who he didnt like) and we would drink. before him and i met i had many male friends who i would always see out and talk to here and there. about 4 months ago every time him and i would fight i would break it off and go out or do my own thing (immature and stupid i know) one day we fought pretty bad and i left him and didnt speak to him for a month. and during that month i slept with two men. one who was a good friend. and also during this time i was talking with a few other men. while i was doing this, he spent the month sending me flowers, writing me letters, the kind of stuff you really only see in movies, he was doing for me. during this time my family was encouraging me to be single and in a way supported "sleeping around." one day we met up and hung out and i told him i wanted to be with him and i told him everything i did. nturally he was crushed. since then he was very insecure and wanted to see my facebook and look on my phone and when he did he found out about guys i would talk to while we were together and when we werent. ive since deleted my facebook and changed my phone number and really want nothing but for him and i to be together. some days he wants to hangout and some he is just competely disgusted with me and the lies and he feels like he cant trust me which is very understandable but i have learned my lesson. i was stujpid immature and i took what him and i had for granted. and now i want nothing more than to make it work. its been 3 months since ive told him i slept with two oter men. justlooking for advice..i dont want to hear "let him go" or "move on" thats not an option.
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OP
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also.. any men ive talked to or slept with ive completely cut all communication and i have no desire whatsoever to speak with any of them. i take full responsibility for my actions. i know i was in the wrong. any questions on our situation feel free to ask
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Joined: Oct 2005
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Welcome to MB,
You do realize this is a MARRIAGE website, don't you???
Are you marrying this man?
Do you or have you lived together?
How old are you? Him???
Are their children involved here?
Were any of these men you fooled around with married?
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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i do realize this is a marriage website- marriage with him is my ultimate goal which is why im looking for advice.
he is the one i want to marry- so yes.
we havnt lived together. Im 22 hes 28. No children involved although him and i just had an incident about a week ago so a pregnancy is possible.
the men i was with werent married. both single. one going through a divorce (not because of me)
i realize i am young and this is a marriage website however i know what i want and i know the mistakes i made. i dont need anyone to tell me i need to grow up or any other negative comments. i realize my mistakes and im looking to better myself, my relationship and my future and thank you to those of you who want to help =)
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Joined: Apr 2001
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First off, this is a marriage forum, not a dating website. But if you were dating my son I would tell him you were not a good marriage choice and to move on. Therefore that is my advice to your bf: RUN!
Were those married men you shagged?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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as stated before- yes i know this is not a dating website. thank you though.
no they were not married.
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i
the men i was with werent married. both single. one going through a divorce (not because of me)=) In other words, he was married.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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they were separated, not living together, and finalizing the divorce this month. but yes technically, although irrelevant to this post, still married.
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One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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im afraid i dont understand..
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about 4 months ago every time him and i would fight i would break it off and go out or do my own thing one day we fought pretty bad and i left him and didnt speak to him for a month. and during that month i slept with two men justlooking for advice..i dont want to hear "let him go" or "move on" thats not an option. It's clear from your own actions that you didn't value your relationship with your BF that much. What's changed since then to convince you that he's now "the one"?
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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i guess i had the mindset of "the grass is greener on the other side" so when i left him i was looking for the "greener grass" and the men i talked to and slept with were nothing like my bf. my bf respected me like no one ever has and he just treated me better than i ever have been before but i took advantage of it while i had it. the time i had away from him, i realized how special he was to me and how much i wanted him in my life. i realized that i wasnt the girlfriend i should have been all along. but unfortunately i realized this after i did what i did. before i had a very immature mindset. im young so i always thought about going out with friends, partying, and although that may be fun, that got me no where. now i think about my future, finishing college, settling down, gettng married. it almost seems like something just clicked one day and i was ready to grow up.
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Assuming you are real, my guess is you only want to be with him because he doesn�t want to be with you anymore.
Try Match.com or some other dating site to help ease your suffering.
Formerly timetofly.
I thought that a change was in order to start the new year. It was time for me to fly after all.
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assuming im real? i want to be with him because i love him. i made mistakes and realized and i had hoped coming onto MB i would find others who have experienced something somewhat like my situation or something along the same lines and would be able to offer advice based on experience. not someone to mock me and refer me to match.com but thanks anyway.
im looking to help mend my relationship if you have no advice on how to do that, thats fine just please dont mock me
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the men i was with werent married. both single. one going through a divorce (not because of me) Problem # 1 Until a person's divorce is final they are not single. A person with good boundaries knows this and will not date separated people or if they themselves are separated will not date. Problem # 2 There isn't any married man that wants to cheat that will not lie to get into a girls jeans. Lie 1 I'm not married Lie 2 I'm separated Lie 3 I'm divorced but can't afford to move out so I live in the guest room Lie 4 We live as roomates, haven't had sex in years
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assuming im real? i want to be with him because i love him. i made mistakes and realized and i had hoped coming onto MB i would find others who have experienced something somewhat like my situation or something along the same lines and would be able to offer advice based on experience. not someone to mock me and refer me to match.com but thanks anyway.
im looking to help mend my relationship if you have no advice on how to do that, thats fine just please dont mock me Do you know how many posts I have read here where some BH comes here after being married for x number of years on d day trying to save his marriage. As his story unfolds his WW had cheated on him before they were married as well. She how much better off this guy would of been to move on instead of getting married only to see his WGF become a WW? Yes you are doing the things you need to recover. You are being transparent, dropped all the male friends. However this does not mean your BF can handle what you did with these OM.
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assuming im real? i want to be with him because i love him. i made mistakes and realized and i had hoped coming onto MB i would find others who have experienced something somewhat like my situation or something along the same lines and would be able to offer advice based on experience. not someone to mock me and refer me to match.com but thanks anyway.
im looking to help mend my relationship if you have no advice on how to do that, thats fine just please dont mock me k1124, whether or not you remain with your BF is up to your BF. I know he's crushed by your actions, but you are not married. You are playing the field. There's nothing wrong with that before marriage. (Although I would recommend you not be so quick to throw open your legs. Did you say two different guys in a month? Why? Why would you do that? And I'd also recommend that you be tested for STDs. There are a lot of creepy little bugs out there in dating-land.) Your main issue with your BF isn't fidelity. You have been dishonest and deceitful with him. That's where you need to start.
Last edited by maritalbliss; 12/31/10 09:28 AM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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You are playing the field. There's nothing wrong with that before marriage. ..unless of course you've led your partner to believe that you're in a committed and exclusive relationship. I know exactly how her betrayed BF feels, having been in a similar position at one point in my life.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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..unless of course you've led your partner to believe that you're in a committed and exclusive relationship.
I know exactly how her betrayed BF feels, having been in a similar position at one point in my life. Precisely. That's why I said: Your main issue with your BF isn't fidelity. You have been dishonest and deceitful with him. That's where you need to start. It's one thing to be single and playing the field. It's another when you've got a significant other who doesn't know you're playing the field.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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...i just had an incident about a week ago so a pregnancy is possible.
the men i was with werent married. both single. one going through a divorce (not because of me)... i realize my mistakes and im looking to better myself, my relationship and my future and thank you to those of you who want to help =)
We've learned about a person who doesn't even know what marriage is... for one thing, if one is sleeping with a guy who is "going through a divorce," that guy is not "single", he is still legally married (until the divorce is finalized). Which means one has engaged in an adulterous affair with another married man.
We've learned about a person whose family encourages her to play the field.
and we've learned about a person who likes to drink a fair bit as a social activity.
k1124, let me ask you: If there were a person whom you loved & cared for more than anyone else in the world, would you wish it upon him to be yoked to a spouse with a track record like that? You might wish such an outcome upon your worst enemy.
The most decent thing you can do is to let him go for now, and first look inside yourself to find out why you believe the things that (according to your actions) you believe about marriage and relationships. I suggest that you read the book "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders". This may give you some insight that will prove helpful to you in your journey of self-improvement.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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