After reading lots of posts and information on this site i am still in shock and at a loss as to what to do next.


My wife told me in early Nov this year she did not love me anymore and saw me as just a friend despite 23 years of marriage. This came totally out of the blue with no warning to me, she carried on by saying she was leaving me there and then and wouldn't be coming back. She told me no one else was involved, she had rented a flat, and our marriage was over.

Over the following weeks i found out she had withdrawn the majority of our life savings and so hired a detective to find out what was going on. He found out she has been having an affair with a co worker for at least six months. When confronted she lied repeatedly until i showed her mobile cell phone itemised listings which identified her lovers telephone number.

My wife said she did not want to tell me of the affair as it would of upset me further than her just leaving. We have spoke several times on the phone and face to face and she is adamant she will not come back saying our marriage is fully over. At one point she did say she would go to marriage councelling but changed her mind the next day. I believe she had fell out with the other man at this point but made up with him and hence changed her mind again.

I have taken action by changing the house locks, forwarded her clothes and belongings to her, and also posted a letter to the other mans partner and her workmates to expose the affair.

I also believe the other man has now moved into her flat and has left his partner.

What strikes me hard is how cold and uncaring she now is after 23 yrs of marriage, its like a complete stranger is more pleasant to speak to. I have seen a solicitor and they recommend actioning divorce proceedings because of the breakdown but i don't want to do this if there is anyway our relationship can be saved.

How can i do anything else if my wife will not end the affair at this time?

I feel as long as the other man is around i cannot do anything else to try and win her back.

She is unlike the person i have known for 26 years, has disregarded family and friends, and cut all ties. It is like she has been brainwashed and is in some sort of crisis or fantasy world.

Welcome to MB.

Are you in Europe? I'm in London.

Your wife has taken most of your life-savings. if you do not file for divorce, how will you be able to get your share of these before she spends the lot? What do your solicitors say about this?

You should file for divorce if there is no other way to protect your money.

The normal first stage of affair-busting is Plan A, which involves exposing the affair to the other spouse and the employers, since this is a workplace affair. Have you contacted the other spouse to expose, and find out what she knows?

What is the workplace relationship between them - is either of them a supervisor?

Do you have children? what ages?

Other aspects of Plan A involve maintaining contact with your W and encouraging her back to the marriage. Insist that she ends the affair, however. Please read this article by Dr Harley:

What are Plan A and Plan B?

Plan A is a temporary arrangement that you should only maintain for 3-6 months. If your wife refuses to end the affair and come home, or if you have already tried to save the marriage at the expense of your mental health, then you might choose to go straight to Plan B. This involves cutting off all contact from your wife and dealing with financial issues through an intermediary.

Please read this thread Thread to help new posters and answer the questions from it.

Hello Sugarcane,

I am in Sheffield in Yorkshire.

My solicitor has recommended we consider mediation and try to agree on a seperation agreement including equal sharing of our money and savings, contents and belongings in the house, pension funds, and so on.

If a divorce is unavoidable i have been advised i am in a good position to get my share of the savings directly back if we sell the house, from the capital it will release. Of course that doesn't help me at this time.

My wife however is against mediation, is totally besotted with the other man and has asked for an quick divorce and also release of 50% of the house value.

At this time i feel as if we should try and save our marriage, not get a divorce, but cannot see a way to do so on my own with her not wanting to end the affair she is having.

The other man had a live in girlfriend in his rented flat (which i now believe he has informed of the affair but are not 100% sure)up to a week ago. I am not sure but feel they have now parted and he and my wife are living together in her new place.

I have posted a letter to his flats address but are unsure if his girlfriend got it, or if she is still there to receive any mail!

I have advised their employers and workmates what is going on but just got a cold reply saying "they could not comment as it was private business".

Neither of them are supervisors, just office workers in a call centre. No children are involved on either side.

Despite the bomshell being dropped on me in early November i have tried to action all of plan A without success. My wife will not reason, understand, or accept anything else other than her wish to be with this other man instead of me. The "fog" scenario seems totally accurate with how she is.

With regards to plan B do you think the affair will completely end? I have read through it and are unsure of the following extract:

"Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery"

At this time i am unsure if she will ever agree on a plan for recovery. She is so in her words "in love with this person".

I also fear the following may be true with how her mindset is:

"The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind".

I not sure at all why my wife is having this affair, i have asked her and she said "she doesnt know, it just happened", i feel as if she is going through some type of crisis or without me knowing was looking for somthing that was missing from our marriage. I have questioned myself again and again looking for the answer but so far can only include me not doing as many domestic jobs around the home (she said this had made her feel neglected and used)but this is hard when you work long hours as i do, or could it be possibly her needing more affection than we both gave each other. She has said we have drifted apart but i never noticed anything wrong. There has been no discussions, no rows, no ultimatums, nothing i can point as to why she has done this to me. I know the affair has been going on since at least March this year and heavy since July. In Sept we had a good holiday abroad and she told be last week that was her make or break time when she decided it was me or her lover. She said she missed him whilst we we away and that was the final thing that decided her to move out. As soon as we got home she searched for a flat and carried that part of her plan out.

I am totally lost for words as to what to do other than proceed with plan B.

Because of the situation though the following cannot be done by me at the moment:

"So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

I cannot make sure my spouse remembers my care and thoughfulness as plan A failed from the start. She just will not listen to reason, seels very angry and cold, and on the defensive protecting her affair and new realtionship with the other man.

If you're in the UK, I recommend that you initiate divorce proceedings listing adultery as the cause. Exposure apparently has not worked to break up the A. Your WW needs a wake-up call, not further shielding from the reality of her situation.

I can spot a Brit on this site after one keystroke!

I can't reply at length right now, but I'm sure others will see your post and come in.

You didn't answer the question about kids. It tends to make a difference to the route you are advised to take.

Neilc,
Sorry you are here. How long did you try Plan A - Harley recommends (if you can handle it) six months. Have you talked with OM partner? You may find out some interesting facts about OM that could work to your benefit.

Carrot & Stick of Plan A

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2458276&page=1


Gg

Hi Neil, welcome to Marriage Builders. If I were in your shoes, I would drag out the divorce because the affair is unlikely to last that long. The odds are on you winning and not the OM.

I would get legal protection in place, cut off all support, and then drag this deal out. Don't give her a quicky divorce. Instead, work on causing conflict in the affair. The way you cause conflict in the affair is:

1. woo her back by being as attractive as possible. Look for every opportunity to speak to her or be with her. If she asks for something out of the house, be as accommodating as possible. you can create havoc for the OM.

2. expose the affair to all of your family members, yours, hers, and the OMs. If the OM's parents know this is an affair with a married woman they might feel less inclined to welcome them into the family. Hopefully someone will get through to her.

Let me explain why I think this is the right tactic. First lets look at the odds. Only 95% of affairs ever make it to marriage. Of those, 70% end in divorce in the first 5 years. It is because the very thing that made them possible, dishonesty, deceit and thoughtlessness, will eventually infest the affair and kill it off.

Most affairs die within 2 years, whereas, 65% of marriages survive an affair. So the odds are greatly in your favor if you make yourself a viable option when her affair crumbles.

It is important that you understand the mindset of an adulterer. They are as high on the addiction of the affair as a crackhead is high on crack. She is not in her right mind. But moving in with the OM will do much to burst this fantasy. Bringing an affair out into the open [and this is where your exposure will help] will ruin the fantasy. Affairs thrive on secrecy so you can expect her affair to start going into a free fall now that she lives with him.

If you read the case study in Surviving an Affair, Sue's affair goes into a free fall once she moves in with her OM.

Please go pick up the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. It will make it easier for you to understand our suggestions.

Neil, you are not giving her any money, are you? Does she still have access to any of your money? If so, I would shut that door asap.

At this time would initiating divorce proceedings try and end the affair, ultimately giving us a chance to repair our relationship?

I don't want to give up on our marriage yet but feel it is well down that path unless somthing drastic happens.

You are quite right exposure has not worked and i feel they have taken their relationship to the next level with regards to the timescale the affair has been going on.

I wonder if anyone on here can recommend perhaps specific actions of Plan B or anything else that i can try to stop the affair and at least open up communication with my wife.

She will not answer the phone, texts, emails, letters, nothing at all. Its as if i don't exist anymore.

Otherwise i think you are right, initiate proceedings and regretably move on.

Thanks

She fell out of love because you grew apart. Then the OM came along and filled the gap. That is what happened. I doubt doing housework had anything to do with it. That sounds like the typical rewriting of history that is classic in affairs.

Hello Sugarcane,

No kids involved, just my wf and i

Thanks

I would only file for divorce in order to protect yourself financially and then draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag things out. Hopefully, the affair will die before the divorce is final, which is usually the case.


Unfortunately, exposure took place after the affair became very entrenched. However, I think it will certainly hasten the death of the affair. I would expose the affair to the OM's family and any other family members and friends in you and your wife's circle.

While you might not realize it, her moving in with the OM will do more to kill the affair than anything. He is a player who has no respect for women or marriage so when he tires of your wife, he will kick her aside soon enough.

I bet if you talk to his GF, you will discover a long history of going to woman to woman. Your wife will be unceremoniously dumped just like she was.

When he dumps your wife, you can be the landing place if you leave that door open.


I think you are going to have to have some patience and wait for your wife to contact you. When she does, be as pleasant as possible. That might open the door. As her affair crumbles, I predict she will contact you more often.

Thanks GG615,

This has been a whirlwind crisis for me. With so much deceit, lies, the money issue, involvement with a private detective, i don't know whether i am coming or going.

I've felt grievance, sorrow, anger, resentment, and many more mixed emotions with first my wife leaving (i believed her for a week about there being no other person involved),but the real killer is when i found out about her having an affair.

As soon as i found out i put elements of plan A into effect, mainly the exposure points, but these have not worked.

I have been unable to talk to the om's partner todate, i believe she has now left his residence and moved on, but this could be yet another lie?

I'd say with regards to Plan A timescale i applied it for approx 6 weeks but failed due to my wife not accepting things.

What ML said .

Melodylane,

Thanks for your help so far.

I thought of dragging it out too. She has asked for a quick divorce and so far i've told her i don't want one.

Should i start proceedings anyway and withdraw them at a later date if things work out?

With regards to being nice to her and giving her any belongings in a pleasant way:

Things got unpleasant over the last two weeks with her demanding she come to the house to collect the rest of her things, i refused because of the upset she and her new partner have given me.

After having our savings taken i have felt very insecure and was not ready for her to come back into our house and possibly take everything she could. Thats why i changed the locks.

This infuriated her and then later that day i got several unpleasant text messages from her new partner. This got to the point where i reported them to the police in fear of what they may do.

I could try and see his girlfriend if she has not moved out yet, but feel deep down she has.

I also don't know his girlfriends family so are unsure how to proceed on that front.


You are right about:

"Unfortunately, exposure took place after the affair became very entrenched"

I feel the same, it has gone too far for this to have worked effectively but there was nothing else i could do.

Do you think sending her a letter telling her i will be there for her in the future would work?

I don't want her to think (unless i am wrong here) i am happy being second best (which i am not sure i am even that at the moment)is a safety net for her.

I would only file if you need to do so to protect yourself financially. Otherwise, do nothing because like I said, the affair is not going to last.


I would send her a nice letter and tell her that you want her to have her personal effects and am so sorry for the unpleasantries.[galling yes, but remember you are speaking to a falling down drunk] Tell her that the big things will need to be split up by the court, but if there are any personal effects she wants, you would be happy to gather them up for her. Let her come to your house and get them and use that as an opportunity to be as attractive as possible. Make it clear the OM is not to set foot on your property.


I would file just to get this money back. Keeping that money will only serve to finance her affair.


Yes, I would try and get ahold of her.



Yes, I would send her a nice letter. Tell her you love her and are sorry for the state of your marriage that led to this. Add what I said above about her personal effects. If you post it here, we can help you.

She will have that as her affair crumbles.

Neilc:

My wife said EXACTLY the same things to me. "I don't know how this happened. It came so naturally and easily. He is my best friend. He's so caring. We've drifted apart and my heart went cold years ago. There is so much pain and damage in our 20-year relationship. It would be easier to move on and start over..."

Your wife is in a fog thicker than pea soup. Follow the advice here and also take care of YOU. When the A started, your wife began a compare/contrast game between you and the OM. Currently, you are on the losing end, but remember that almost everyone looks good during the "honeymoon" period of dating.

There is a good chance that your wife's perfect image of the OM will begin to tarnish as she actually lives with him now. Your wife once found you attractive in many ways, but it is being masked by the fog of the A.

Do not allow a quick divorce as others have stated. Be confident, strong, and kind. Most women find those qualities very desirable. But fight for your marriage as if she's the enemy, if that makes any sense to you.

I would send her something along these lines. This is the Plan B letter from Surviving an Affair but I changed it up a bit. This letter will really shake up the OM, too. SEND THIS LETTER TO HER ABOUT 3 WEEKS AFTER SHE LEFT. The novelty will have worn off and the problems will have begun.

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake. I still love you very much.

You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow measures that are suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

p.s. I want you to have your personal effects and apologize for my unpleasant reaction when you tried to get your things. While the furniture, etc, can't be removed until a legal agreement is in place, I would be more than happy to gather up your personal effects and have them available for you.

This was PERFECT and you handled this so well. See, your wife thought that she would be able to come back in the house at will. That hope helped prop up her affair. This was a HUGE reality buster realizing that her actions had cut off her path to her home. Also, depriving her of her furniture had a big effect because she probably expected to feather her nest with the OM with her familiar belongings. Now she can't do that.

How long since she moved out?

See, it has already started. It will get worse now that they are together. He will quickly tire of her while reality ruins her fantasy of replacing you. Since she has given up SO MUCH, her expectations of him will rise. [those who sacrifice always keep score] When he doesn't settle that score by compensating her losses, the lovebusting will begin. They will not trust each other out of sight either.

Wish I was a fly on the wall.