We have been married 25 years, have two younger children and a new house in the country. A terrific life, so I thought. About three momths ago, our sex life went through the roof. I could not imagine it being any better...and then my son discovered a strange mans picture (not a bad one) and asked who he was. This prompted some digging, and discovery of an online emailing and phone calls to this man. I confronted her, she swore it was strictly a friend going through a tough time and she was being supportive. I took her word for a bit, but to many things were not making sense, so I did a little more digging. My horror...I discovered naked pics of all kinds, of both of them. They were exchanging them, and having phone sex as well. I confronted her and sent him emails to which he finally said he would stop, but she is devastated.
I said we can not continue with out counselling, which she agreed to at first, but I question if she will go.
She also never apologized to me, and I really don't think she is remorseful, other than getting caught.
We have so much history, and two kids, a world of debt and I am so hurt and lost.

It has only been one day so far, but what do I do??

1. Don't take her word for anything.

2. Put a GPS on her car.
(PLEASE do not give reasons why this is unnecessary. If she drives a car, you need to know where she is going)

3. Put spyware on her laptop computer and desk top computer..

4. DEMAND all her passwords.
Especially for her cell.
Facebook.
Game sites.
ETC.
LOOK at her computer history and get access to everything.

5. I would DEMAND that all her computer use be in a public room in the house.
Where anyone walking by can see the screen.

6. Take charge of the family money NOW.
Look at credit card access.

7. Do forensics on the phone bills.

8. Put a voice activated recorder in the car she uses.

How's THAT for a "beginner's list"?

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Do not negotiate counseling yet.
You're still gathering data.

And, TRY not to do lengthy "relationship" R-Talks just yet.
Her mind is mush.
It's a waste of time and will only annoy her and she will continue to lie her butt off.

When you discuss her behavior, ask her a question:


Then, you say:

Find out what city he is emailing from.
If you know his name, hire a PI and find out if he is married.
Expose to his wife if he is married.

QUESTION:

WHERE/HOW under what circumstances did your WW meet OM?

-- Do everything GloveOil has advised.

As nasty as this is .... you need to KEEP these pics in a safe place.

"PROOF" when you expose to OM's wife/girlfriend.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

You have already gotten great advice. I just want to re-emphasize the fact that you need to watch your WW like a hawk and the need to follow through with the keylogger/GPS & VAR in the car (like, today). It is imperative that you understand the addictive nature of affairs and just how deceptive and manipulative your WW can be in order to stay in contact.

Regarding her remorsefulness, you just snatched the crackpipe out of her hand (OM) and she is scrambling to figure out how to keep in contact. The remorsefulness will come later after NC has been firmly in place for a little while and she has had a chance to withdraw and defog...

Oh, and read the Carrot & Stick link in Pepperband's signature. A must read. Hang in there!

This couldn't have been stated more eloquently. An A is like crack: extremely addicting, and the user will irrationally fight tooth and nail to get her next fix. She is acting out the same old script that most of us here have seen time and time again. Follow the advice given here and you increase your odds to get the outcome you desire.

Please read the articles here. You have just started on a long journey and it will take a year or two at least for you to recover and rebuild your marriage. So don't be too impatient at things right now.

your marriage can be recovered, but it will take time. Also your emotions will go through a real roller coaster ride. Come post here, ask lots of questions, vent, and start plan A. Read about it here, and look up Pepperband's post about the Carrot and the Stick of plan A. It is worth your while to know this.

Part of recovering your marriage is going to seem very counter intuitive, but you must realize that most intuitive methods have a HIGH failure rate. That is because recovering a marriage is a lot like snow skiing. To set your edges on a steep down hill you must lean OUT away from the hill. Your instincts always say lean into the hill. All that does is release your edges and you slide down the run on your tush.

MB is a lot like this. Please read, ask questions, and don't give up hope.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Click here for Pep's Carrot and the STick thread Pepperbands Carrot and Stick