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Since finding MB, I have learned so much about how to identify some of the "symptoms" of A's by reading 100's of posts by victims & perps of A's! Sobering reality for one who simply came to this forum to address the issue of porn! I compare porn use in my sitch as the "other woman"!
It is amazing how adept I have become in being more discriminating in how I perceive others! Body language, averting of eyes when asked a yes or no question, disrespect toward S, lack of empathy, ambivalence, defensiveness, anger, depression, rationalization, justification, avoidance in answering questions & gaslighting. All of these red flags pop up when I see someone who demonstrates "dishonest" behavior...
H & I have observed all of these behaviors in SIL toward our daughter for several months. We gave them HNHN hoping they would read it. Today, I am going to ask D if either or both of them have started reading it.
Our D told us she is P with their second child (Their first baby miscarried 6 weeks ago!) when they arrived for our NY celebration yesterday... SIL is aloof, ambivalent & discourteous toward D. I can tell it embarrasses her when she asks him to do something for her (ie. unload bags from their vehicle so she can get something out to show H & I.) He completely ignores her requests, says nothing, as if she doesn't exist. Finally, she got up and said she would get the bags. Not in an angry, hurt manner... More as if she is simply resigned to the fact that SIL is not going to honor her request. It's really sad! His disrespect toward our D demonstrates disrespect toward H & I in a most contemptible manner!
Through casual conversation over the last few years with D, AND, based on behavior H & I have seen him demonstrate, SIL demonstrates a lot of IB. She sees his extracurricular activities as innocent, innocuous indulgences which help his self-esteem & confidence. H & I, on the other hand, wonder if he is actually doing what he tells her he is doing when he takes long walks & occasionally goes to bars with his friends for drinks, etc... She has not expressed concern to us. However, she made a statement last week when she called:
"Mom, I think I'm going crazy!"
SIL has convinced her that she is irrational, mentally unsound, weak, depressed, etc. when she feels hurt, unhappy, angry, frustrated, rejected, alone, etc.! So, just before finding out she is P, her doctor put her on medication for depression.
Should my H or I ask SIL "point blank" if he is in an illicit relationship(s)?
Should we talk to our D about our concerns based on what we are learning here @ MB, which will cause her to be suspicious of her H?
She is only 5 weeks P! Because she suffered a miscarriage 6 weeks ago, I do NOT want to do anything that would jeopardize her pregnancy by causing emotional distress! At the same time, if we ask SIL if he is doing anything illicit, I am sure he will tell our D. Which, would cause her emotional distress!!!
Goodness, Gracious! H & I are between the proverbial rock & a hard place here!
God Bless ~
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
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I don't think this is at all ethical, but for my pregnant, vulnerable, precious daughter, I would hire a PI to watch her H and say nothing about it to her until and unless I got proof.
If he's disappearing for walks and drinks, it should be easy for a PI to get data on him in a few days.
Good luck, LI.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I don't think this is at all ethical, but for my pregnant, vulnerable, precious daughter, I would hire a PI to watch her H and say nothing about it to her until and unless I got proof.
If he's disappearing for walks and drinks, it should be easy for a PI to get data on him in a few days.
Good luck, LI. Yup... If he's wayward, he'll deny if confronted. If he's not wayward...he'll deny and you won't believe him. Hire a PI. IF the PI discovers anything...then come back here and post for more direction as direct confrontation may not be in your best interests considering there are grandchildren and life long relationships at stake. There may be other options that we'll discuss and worry about once you discover the truth (if there is anything to discover more than he's just a jerk which you likely already knew) Mr. W
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Wow, that is fabulous advice. I concur!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299
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I don't think this is at all ethical, but for my pregnant, vulnerable, precious daughter, I would hire a PI to watch her H and say nothing about it to her until and unless I got proof.
If he's disappearing for walks and drinks, it should be easy for a PI to get data on him in a few days.
Good luck, LI. Yup... If he's wayward, he'll deny if confronted. If he's not wayward...he'll deny and you won't believe him. Hire a PI. IF the PI discovers anything...then come back here and post for more direction as direct confrontation may not be in your best interests considering there are grandchildren and life long relationships at stake. There may be other options that we'll discuss and worry about once you discover the truth (if there is anything to discover more than he's just a jerk which you likely already knew) Mr. W
Yes! My H & I were suspect of this man before they married. They have been married for 4 years. We raised legitimate concerns with D during their engagement. (Behavior we perceived as controlling, disrespectful, rude behavior) When she made it clear that this is the man she would love for life and was determined to marry, H & I became her biggest cheerleaders! We believe in our D. We respect her, thus, we accepted her decision. Period!
Actually, H confessed to me that just before he walked our most precious daughter down the aisle, he told her, "You know, Sweetheart, it's still not too late to change your mind!" (wink-wink!)
Thank you all for your kind advice... Gonna get on this ASAP... Please pray for us to come up with the $$$$$$! H & I have been unemployed for going on two years... If not for Soc. Sec. checks, holy cow! I don't know where we'd be!
I believe there is a way to accomplish the task at hand! I will let y'all know when we are off and running!!!
Thank you, again!!!
God Bless ~
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
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Who can be discreet and do this for you for free?
Neak
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Who can be discreet and do this for you for free?
Neak Where is yore momma and what have you done to her?? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
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Who can be discreet and do this for you for free?
Neak Where is yore momma and what have you done to her?? No, that WAS her momma, asking "who can be discreet and do this for you for free?" and answering "Neak". I hope Neak lives nearby, and I hope she's been told about her new job!
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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hello
by Woodham - 09/22/25 03:47 PM
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