And good for you for sending out those letters, soblue!! That was an act of STRENGTH and COURAGE that I know was hard for you. Courage is a decision and you have shown that you have what it takes to CHOOSE courage when it comes to standing up for your marriage and your child's family!

Now, are you ready the onslaught of terror he is going to inflict next week when the lid comes off his affair? A cheater is a terrorist and he can be expected to try and scare you into submission. Don't fall for it!!

He will make all sorts of threats like "I was going to work on it but now I'm not!!" "You have ruined my life!" "You have hurt the OW!!" blah, blah, blah, yippee coyote...... You know how a terrorist relies on SHOCK AND AWE but there is no fire there? That is exactly how an exposed adulterer works! So expect some fireworks and you won't be disappointed.

Your job will be NOT TO LAUGH. And I mean that. It will be hard not to laugh at all the stupid, inane things he says. Don't laugh, don't get scared, don't fight, and don't try to reason with an infuriated terrorist, ok? It will blow over.

Have both your children been told about the affair? I would tell them about this affair and the last one so they know who the enemies are. Encourage them to discuss their dad's affairs with him. They need to know that he is abandoning their family for that..

Her parents are dead. They've been dead about a year. Her friend list on FB is blocked so I can't see it.

i just got this one the Monday after he told me he was not in to the marriage we got new cell phones. i've only had it for 5 weeks. I will conduct most business by landline and email. I just changed all my passwords.

So how is he reading your phone logs and texts?

Did you do any searches for her other family members? Have you been searching?

If you want to access and expose on FB; make up a person, make up an email account, then make up a FB account. If Skankhola is like so many others on FB, she will probably befriend anyone and then you can "see" her friend list and post exposure on her wall.

He is not reading the content of calls or texts, just who I am in contact with. He can see these by pulling up the phone records on line. He has me shut out of that because he has the password so I can't look to see who he is contact with.

I have been searching but she has her page privatized. I can't see who any of her friends are or who she "talks" with.

I am not sure I am capable of laughing at the moment. I know the things he says are irrational but it gets to me every time. It has only been 5 weeks. I have a counseling appointment on Tues. thank goodness because I am not feeling very strong at the moment. I know it's my job as a person who loves him to stand up to him and try to get him to another place, not one of self-destruction. I take my vows very seriously and I want my children to see what it takes to make a relationship work. I my children to know that what he is doing is wrong.

I have been open with my children to a point. I don't want to do damage to them in the process. They know he is having an affair and that it is wrong and hurtful. They are aware of how selfish he is being right now. I have to be careful not to put them in the middle though. He is their father/step and at least one of my children love him very much. He was a fantastic father for a long time. They are having to deal with his absence too so I have to keep the lines of communication open and trusting with them. I told my son that if daddy calls and wants to talk to me to tell him no but now I am unsure if that was a good choice. It feels wrong to me to put him in the middle.

soblue, if you don't tell your kids the truth, you will harm them. It is adultery and lies that harm children, not telling them the truth. Giving them false explanations for the tension in the home teaches them dishonesty. It also leaves them wide open for your H to tell them lies about YOU. And trust me, he will blame all this on YOU if he isn't already.

They need to be sat down, given the full truth and given moral guidance about why adultery is immoral. They should be encouraged to ask their father questions about why he is leaving their family for his adultery. That is the best thing for everyone.

And it is ok to tell your son that you don't want to talk to his dad. Tell him that his dad's adultery is so painful that you can't bear to talk to him. YOUR KIDS ARE IN THE MIDDLE. Your husband's adultery and his abandonment of their family is a direct assault on your children. THEY ARE IN THE MIDDLE. You didn't put them there, HE DID with his adultery.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

I suspect he has gaslighted you for a long time, hasn't he? What scares you about him? It is his anger? Is it his manipulations?

Have you searched her name on the websites we gave you to see if she has relatives? Have you searched for anyone with her last name on facebook and looked to see if she is friends with them?

Can you somehow change the password on the cell phones so you can get access to the logs and block him out?

I'm sure it's me that allows him to get to me. I try to talk and he twists it around to something ugly. He then turns everything back on me. He is smart and devious. He has to be in control or he is extremely uncomfortable. He will go for the jugular every time. I actually don't know what I'm afraid of, the unknown for sure.

Yes, he has been working me for a long time. when we first got married, I was an independent single mother of 1 who had been that way for 4.5 years. I wasn't used to discussing decision making with anyone and that caused some issues in the beginning. I would decide to go somewhere with friends or I would invite a child over for a play date and he would be furious because I didn't ask him. Eventually I became afraid to make any decisions because if I did it would surely anger him. Now he complains that I am too dependent on him, why can't I be more independent. He has beaten me down and I have let him do it so that things could stay peaceful. He says that he's been the one that can't be himself around me.

soblue, I sensed he was a master manipulator and it is because of this I would strongly consider going into Plan B sooner rather than later. He will beat you down to a pulp if you remain in contact with him. Let's discuss sending him a Plan B letter this weekend. That way you don't have to deal with him when the crap hits the fan.

What do you think? Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair?

I have the book "When the one you love wants to leave". It talks a little about NC. I am comfortable with NC. I've kind of been trying to do it a half way. I accept his texts but won't talk to him personally. Any suggestions for the letter? The schedule is this on Monday and Tuesday he is with wh after school but does not sleep over. Same on Thurs. It's supposed to be that we split every other Sun. but he hasn't taken him on Sun. yet. How do we handle the drop off/pick up? We are having some plumbing problems too so he is supposed to be here for the plumber one day next week. How do we handle financial stuff?

In Plan B, you send the wayward spouse a no contact letter and cut off ALL contact. No texts, no emails, nothing. Even a little contact completely defeats the purpose. That means you change the locks and lock him out. Any necessary contact is done through a designated, neutral intermediary. The purpose is to protect you from his abuse and to give him a real taste of what divorce will look like.

Tell him in the letter that you will expect him to pay the bills as usual and continue to make deposits in your account.

In the letter, I would include a visitation letter and allow him to pick up your son at those times. BUT, he is not to come in the house and he is not to allow your son around that ho. He cannot be allowed to drag your son into his filthy affair.

Keeping him out of the house prevents him from getting a FIX of his family when he wants it. Nor should he be allowed to be there to meet the plumber. If you were divorced, he wouldn't be there. Letting him take care of these things only serves to make him feel LESS GUILTY about abandoning his family for his filthy affair.

What a WS wants to do is to remain "friends" with you so he doesn't feel so guilty. You should make it very clear you won't be "friends" with a liar and a cheater. That will really shock him.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair, soblue?

Here is the letter from that book:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

Read up on doing a full dark plan b

You will need to give instructions to family on what kind of info should be shared- but mostly on what shouldn't be bothered with hearing.
I am going to read too....

Soblue, please do not be slow in making sure your wh knows that he will be countersued on grounds of adultery.

Fwiw, I filed against my xhusband on grounds of adultery and mental cruelty (like what your wh is doing to you and I sense tons of gaslighting. In fact his actions and veiled legal threats are soo soo familiar to what I heard). And yes! I also subpoenae'd the ow. I even NAMED her in the divorce papers. I also named his second ow too.

You see, you have to have a plan (either MB plan A or B) and have a financial and family and protective plan for yourself too. Do not let that part about protecting yourself slide.

it is totally possible to end the affair, but equally important at this time is protecting you, your assets, your kids as was suggested by Mel, a longtime MB'er.

Oh and if you don't think that the ow hates being supoenae'd or her name on the papers?

It will follow them for LIFE.

I know. Xow told a mutual friend back home that "she's tainted". She was fearful her new H (she married a guy last year, broke up that marriage too..much older man) would find out of her past and yea, I almost sent him the docs so he could judge for himself.

That is what I call smackdown exposure.

Here is the letter.

Dear wwh,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. I foolishly believed that our marriage was sound without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you in the ways that you needed me to be the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Nana has agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Nana. Nana and Papa will also help us communicate with any household issues that need to be taken care of. I expect that the financial situation will stay the same with your paychecks being deposited into the checking account and all savings accounts will stay the same. The rental property will be your responsibility right now as I have the responsibility of this house, dogs and children. I will need plumber's number so he can come over and show me how to work the water softener and filter. Please give that to Nana.

I ask you to respect my decision to stay away from you. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot see you or talk to you any longer, knowing that you are with her. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions. Talking with, seeing or communicating in any way is emotionally difficult for me. There is no doubt in my mind that I will survive the experience, but nor now, it is not in my best interest to have contact with you.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

Finally, if you continue to make veiled threats or act on any of those threats, I will counter sue for grounds of adultery and mental cruelty. This means that OW will be subpoenaed to the stand to testify about your current relationship. Phone records and computer records and anything else that was used to conduct the affair will also be subpoenaed such as colleagues who knew about the affair. This is not the best way to proceed so please back off and stop threatening me!

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day.
wife