Tilly, pull out SAA, read it AGAIN, cover to cover TODAY. Implement Plan B properly. GO DARK. Get to a better place emotionally without the A in your face. Get away from your WH.

GO DARK

Hi Tilly,

I have read your posts tonight and although I don't have any specific advice for you like previous posters (I'm new to this), just keep your chin up, stay strong and remember he has to earn the right to come back to you, reconciliation without the necessary changes from your H will get you right back to the start again.

Tilly

Put your hard helmet on!!!!

It is time for you to stop playing silly games.

You have been told what Plan B is, you understand Plan B what you are running is Plan Tilly , what you are doing is picking and choosing what you want.

Get an answering machine to screen your calls.

Your husband goes through the intermediary

Plan B is going dark, your husband knows exactly what to do because you are making yourself available to him.

Plan B is Plan B follow it .

We are here to help but if you consistently follow another Plan how can we.

Tilly, have you ever considered going into Plan B? It is a very good plan that is the most likely to result in reconciliation - if anything can. The plan you are in, Plan "C" for compromise is the most likely to lead to divorce.

Were you interested in saving your marriage?

You mean *YOU* ignored the letter. You did not mean it when you said you were cutting off contact, so of course you have NO credibility with them.

It is up to YOU to end contact, not them. YOU do Plan B, not them. You have no control over them.

It is ridiculous to tell him "no contact" and then take his call the next minute. He knows you are not in the least bit serious. All you did by sending a Plan B letter and then immediately break it was erode your credibility and sacrifice the only leverage you have.

YOU ARE PROPPING UP THE AFFAIR.

Okay I guess I needed reassurance he wasn't coming back right now.

Plan B feels safer emotionally.My head is such a mess. 2 weeks no contact at all and then this. Why did I think he would not call the house ?

I will ask him to look at my letter and READ it should I answer another call, I will get an answering machine or a phone with a call display on it.

I just want him back home.

Tilly, do you want to save your M? Because I think you are thisclose to being able to do that, IF you can follow a successful Plan B. IF. Can you do it?

Yes, I can.

How will ever know if he wants to come home as he is saying he does want to but not acting on it? I know he is messed up, he even looks different.

I did bring it back out the drawer last night. I read over the all the pages I have turned down in the book, the book is great but it all runs so smoothly, no trying to maintain contact in Plan B. My WH just doesn't get it but them I am too bloomin weak and shocked by his call I should have just asked ?

Have you not read my letter?

Okay this is it, I don't think I even need to ask him to read the letter again or should i ? Or should I just go dark and say nothing at alland hope he finally understands I WILL NOT speak to him until it is over with skank (sorry, I know this is very derogatory term for women and a bad word but this OW is).

Tilly, hi, I just read through your entire thread. I don't see your Plan B letter anywhere. Can you repost it?

You have NOT been in Plan B because Plan B means NO CONTACT in any form, shape or fashion. Any IMPORTANT messages should only come through your IM.

Please stop the madness now. You can, if you'll TRULY go dark. It seems as if that's when he starts coming back around but then you respond and it's game on. See, their A THRIVES on the drama and you're adding to the drama by jumping in and responding to his calls and messages. When you stop and remove yourself from their triangle, then they begin to LB each other.

For your own sanity, are you ready to follow Plan B the way it was meant to be followed?

You know I love you with all my heart. When we married I thought it would be forever and never considered that we would be apart one day... We have had great times and we had bad times, but we had each other and for 16 wonderful years.

I know we had problems. I cannot explain why I did what I did last year but I TRULY did not mean to hurt you in such a bad way, my thinking was distorted, I was also ill with the tummy thing and I was paranoid about things

I cannot change the past EEJIT, but I have learnt from my mistakes and I sincerely apologise to you. I did not respect you, I showed you no affection, I paid very little interest in you, and I was a bad wife. I get that now. Although you were a tad naughty too!

I could never and would never ever want to back to that in our life again it was horrible. It�s difficult; as it�s like looking at another person�s life when thinking back to that and there is a lot I cannot remember, I know I should have tried more when you came back, we both should have but I am sorry I cannot image how I would feel if you had done what I have to you ?? I have to live with that and it is a deep regret. I messed up big time. I was not in control.

I have read lots about the ANTIDEP the GP has had me on they are nasty, I should have listened but it was almost like I ALWAYS had a plan in mind and as they helped me sleep I could stop the others and became so focused with that I didn�t even research them, they are trying to make them illegal now............

I am making changes every day and making them permanent and improving myself and my life. I am a better person. I make mistakes every day, but every day I strive to be the best person I can be.

I have thought a lot about our marriage... You know my thoughts and feelings. I don�t know why but love you, I want to be with you and work on making our marriage the best ever. I cannot guarantee it will last 50 years or 5 years, but I know that if we tried together we would do well Paul, but to work wholeheartedly on our marriage. When I committed to you 14 years ago I committed to you and our marriage.
We need help, we need counselling but it takes two of us, I cannot do it alone. We would have to build our marriage from scratch, I have done a lot of reading and it can be done but it would take commitment from both of us to always be truly honest with each other, not be nasty to each other, or disrespectful, we need to talk again, negotiate decision for just doing things, (IE �I want that cat�) � we cannot afford the cat but you just say �yeah okay�so as not to upset me, that�s not the right way to go about decisions. We also need to make time for us, regularly, we need to almost re-training to a marriage better than our ever was you have a lot of pent up anger and just anger........

The decisions I am making just now are tough and are scary, but no one said life would be easy, it�s supposed to be hard and painful. Then the easy times are even more delightful. I respect that you have taken time to think about your life and have chosen to spend your life with SKANKY. I know you love her and that hurts but I also know you did not love me anymore or you would never have chosen to do what you did on 13th September, when you moved in with GF. You are the only person who can make choices for you and I will respect your decision.

I hope that you will be happy in whatever you choose and that you find peace. You were my best friend, my lover and my husband. I only want true happiness for you and do not wish any harm or ill to you.
To preserve the love I have for you and my own sanity I have come to a decision of my own. I need to stop seeing you altogether. The current situation is becoming extremely stressful and hurtful for me. This is not an ultimatum or a threat, it is simply-- no contact again, and you have made your choice. I know that I risk losing you forever, but I cannot continue to see you and speak with you as it hurts too much and I need to move on in my life also and cannot do so with constant silly texts and arguments and hang up phone calls.
If you do choose to come back and work on our marriage, and move back home I want to know that you have done it because you love me and not because you have felt pressured into doing it for any other reason.

Please respect my decision and do not contact me unless it is an emergency. We need to sort something for the boys (regular) so if you could text/call regarding that only please and I can have them ready for you to collect. I will continue to work towards moving from this house and will let you know our new address if/when we move and will contact you should any particular emergency arise.
I hope with all my heart and soul that the OLD Paul will come back to me one day.

I love you EEJIT, my first true love but you have also hurt me very badly many times now so I cannot have the angry, dishonest EEJIT back. All you have to do is come home and we take it from there with help, no arguing any talk of the affair to begin with, just respect each other and make each other and out family happy. All we done is make each other angry, annoyed, sad etc. It wasn�t right EEJIT.

I am now choosing to look back through our life and I only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too.

Take Care
Love Always BS

I was taking antidepressants at the time and was like a zombie, there was also a friend involved who was ALWAYS at the house who WH can now see is a total idiot

Can anyone suggest if I should do another one ? If I did his OW would be fuming at him being IN CONTACT with me so I would be LB again.

Childcare has also been sorted out.

I am not going to read that novel. Cut that back to about 3-5 SHORT paragraphs and repost it.

And take out enabling, crazy statements like this:


If you respect his filthy affair, then you have a problem. You are just giving unwarranted credibility to bad behavior. Take that crap out.

Dear Joe,

You know I love you with all my heart. When we married I thought it would be forever and never considered that we would be apart one day... We have had great times and we had bad times, but we had each other and for 16 wonderful years.

Your affair with skanky has caused me so pain and grief and that I find it eroding the remaining love I have for you.
Because of that, I must end all contact with you. Any messages about the kids or finances must be passed through my brother. I ask that you do not come in the house when you pick up the kids.

As soon as you permanently separate from Skanky and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Skanky.

All my love, Tilly

I suggest a firm and solid Plan B. You have not done this. And it sounds to me like he is almost waiting for this. GO DARK NOW. No more communications between the two of you.

OK I will do so. I don't even think I will send another letter and have unplugeed the house telephone for the time being.

If you respect his filthy affair, then you have a problem. You are just giving unwarranted credibility to bad behavior. Take that crap out. [/quote]

I was given this a sample letter from another site, it sounded like crap when I read it back but no more contact so no more letters, right ?

I have since sent a one page letter, in regard to him still contacting me asking him for AIDS/STD tests a wash with hibiscrub, counseling for himself an separate for me and joint for both and it very little mention of love in it and ended with I hope not to hear from. Very abrupt and to the point.

After thinking in bed until i can afford the answering machine my eldest can answer the house phone and speak with his Dad and he is sensible enough not to give the phone to me when I asked, and I am sensible enough to hang up the receiver.

I didn't have to give another letter, he "popped in" to see how we were, we was me as the boys were on a sleep-over so I told him I didn't want to speak to him about our marriage, or him to phone me whilst he was in a relationship with Skanky and until he moved out of Skankys house.

He suggested could I not "just forget where I am living as it's not how you think" erm...NO!!

He then suggested "can I just phone you then, what enjoyment do think I am possibly getting out of standing in a freezing cold phone box"!! - No!

I suggested the parts of the first Plan B letter he should read.

He then went to discuss our relationship before he left, joint counseling, if he could really just move back in here from there and how complicated everything was and how did ever get himself in this situation and how depressed he was and his life in such a mess ....then bringing up things that had happened, so we ended up arguing and him pointing out my bad points which I would need counseling and how I didn't know the "real him" and it wasn't an affair, just somewhere to be as things were so bad here, I pointed out that in the first few weeks he "loved her" and had delighted in telling me so(he cannot remember) ......he then went on about my meds which made me ill and "you should really stop them", I stopped them 2 months ago?! and told him that then, oh he "couldn't remember" which led to me literally throwing him out.

Perhaps the letter would have been easier/better but I think he gets the message now.

My cat had kittens this morning so this is lovely surprise and distraction from EEJIT.

Post pictures. Everyone loves pictures of kittens. And it'll be something else to distract you.

They look like little rats at the moment as they are all white and a few hours old but I shall go and take some.