Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Do you know, or do you think it is possible to get your exhusband back with plan A, plan B or 180?
Do you know anyone who has reconciled (successfully) after divorce? How did they do it?
I see a lot of posts about how to date after divorce but can't find much about reconciliation after divorce.


Married for 12 years
BW: 36
DH: 45 (EA 08/10-12/10)
2 kids
D: since 12/20/10
Still living together for financial reasons
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 5,924
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 5,924
although I don't know any details, background, or reasons on how you got to your current position, this is what a couple of "pickup artist" books recommend, as essentially you are trying to pick him up again:

enjoy and embrace your single life
own your attitude
look and feel your best at all times
keep an open mind
don't be nice, don't be a jerk, always be interesting
don't trade your status for a man's approval
focus on him when in conversation, not on yourself.
take full responsibility for your happiness


in other words go back to being who you were before you met, that made him attacted to you in the first place.

wiftty


Learning from your own mistakes creates experience, learning from books creates knowledge, combining the two together creates wisdom => You start with a full bag of luck, and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
There are several posters on the Surviving an Affair forum who have reconciled with their exes following divorce. You might ask over there as well...


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
He's got depression and PTSD. Fit's the midlife crisis description to a T as well.
Said I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore.
He's basically found someone on Facebook who filled his sexual need (texting with explicit pictures) and he's made this decision (divorce) out of that situation.
I tried my best to show him I'm worth it, but he's a man that can't admit a mistake and believes he has to go through with it.


Married for 12 years
BW: 36
DH: 45 (EA 08/10-12/10)
2 kids
D: since 12/20/10
Still living together for financial reasons
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Thanks! I will try. Kinda fits that topic anyway.


Married for 12 years
BW: 36
DH: 45 (EA 08/10-12/10)
2 kids
D: since 12/20/10
Still living together for financial reasons
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: meanttobe
He's got depression and PTSD. Fit's the midlife crisis description to a T as well.

What is the mid-life crisis description?

Whose description are you using?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: meanttobe
He's got depression and PTSD. Fit's the midlife crisis description to a T as well.
Said I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore.He's basically found someone on Facebook who filled his sexual need (texting with explicit pictures) and he's made this decision (divorce) out of that situation.


meantobe, sounds to me like a garden variety adulterous affair. Are you divorced yet? "I love you, but am not in love with you" simply means he has a new point of comparison and is in an affair. THAT is why he wants the divorce.

Who is the OW? Is she married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: meanttobe
He's got depression and PTSD. Fit's the midlife crisis description to a T as well.

What is the mid-life crisis description?

Whose description are you using?


Google. No specific description.


Married for 12 years
BW: 36
DH: 45 (EA 08/10-12/10)
2 kids
D: since 12/20/10
Still living together for financial reasons
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: meanttobe
He's got depression and PTSD. Fit's the midlife crisis description to a T as well.
Said I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore.He's basically found someone on Facebook who filled his sexual need (texting with explicit pictures) and he's made this decision (divorce) out of that situation.


meantobe, sounds to me like a garden variety adulterous affair. Are you divorced yet? "I love you, but am not in love with you" simply means he has a new point of comparison and is in an affair. THAT is why he wants the divorce.

Who is the OW? Is she married?



Yes. We are divorced now. The OW is an online affair. Not married to my knowledge. He never admitted to it and I don't know if it is over. It seems as if it is though. He is leaving his phone accessible more.

Ever since the divorce he seems more depressed. Maybe he is having some remorse?


Married for 12 years
BW: 36
DH: 45 (EA 08/10-12/10)
2 kids
D: since 12/20/10
Still living together for financial reasons
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Do you still live together???


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
How is that you have tolerated his filthy affair being conducted in your own home in front of your own children? Basically your H has been allowed to maintain all the benefits of marriage while carrying on his adultery right in plain view of his wife and children.

I don't see the problem as him. The problem is that you have no boundaries. Do your children know you have allowed this open and flagrant abuse?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Do you still live together???


Yes. I will get an apartment beginning of March when our lease is up.


Married for 12 years
BW: 36
DH: 45 (EA 08/10-12/10)
2 kids
D: since 12/20/10
Still living together for financial reasons
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 858
D
dkd Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 858
Why do yo uhave to wait till March? Is the lease in your name and you don't think he will pay? Is the home you're leaving in now more expense then what either of you can pay on your own?

How are the two of you interacting while at home. If he is still continuing the affair, you will not help the reconcilliation process if you are cooking his meals, laundry, etc. He has divorced you, so he does not get a wife, and you are not his GF either. Having the kids see you together like this is not good for them either.

Have you exposed the affair? If family and coworkers, etc believe that the D is from typical marital strife, then you are letting him get away with living a lie.

I'm completely giving my opinion here, not based on anything I've read here, but I tend to think that for a two people to 'reconcile' and remarry after divorce, they need to completely start over. That means if you have to start out by dating, and if you don't think you're ready to date other men, then you aren't ready to date your ex. You have to give yourself time to see who you are now, and your ex needs the time to realize what he's done.

It just seems to me that within marriage you still have a bond of a sort to allow you to fix your individual problems and fix the marriage. It seems like outside of marriage, you have to fix things on your own before you can date. So I'd guess I'd say you should pray for the well being of your ex, pray that His will be done, and then go about your day as a single mother.


Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
Without complete honesty and change of heart and a willingness to address and work on things, there IS no hope of reconciliation with any positive outcome.

*edit* has a section for breakups and reconcilations and talks about the best way to handle it, do's and don'ts but honestly, I don't think you two are in that place. You need to focus on protecting yourself and your children and begin healing. I would seek counseling for help getting through this.

Last edited by MBSeasons; 01/04/11 11:13 AM. Reason: Remove non-MB website

Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 119
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 119
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Please remember to confine your suggestions and advice to materials and articles related to this site.

Recommending non-MB websites can create confusion for posters who are here to seek Marriage Builders help.


mbseasons@aol.com
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
Ahh, so you DO read them all! LOL

Sorry, I didn't intend any problems, some websites don't mind and some do, guess I need to brush up on the rules...


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 22 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,550
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5