DUCT CLEANING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MARRIAGE IT IS HOME MAINTENANCE. FIND A HOME MAINTENANCE BOARD LIKE FLY LADY OR SOMETHING ELSE BUT IF YOU WANT TO DISCUSS FURNACES GET THE EFF OFF MY THREAD I'M HURTING HERE AND YOU JACKHOLES ARE TALKING ABOUT CLEAN DUCTS.

nevermind

I thought so.

Okay, to get back on track. CWMI, you don't want your H to travel for work and your H refuses to get a job that doesn't require him to travel.

So, does anyone have any suggestions about where she ought to go from here?

What's duct work?

Hey, CWMI, have you taken a look at the Harley plan for dividing up domestic support tasks? I think it might help out a lot here. (We're going through it ourselves, at the moment. )

Hey, markos, we did! Through SH himself. He said for us to make lists detailing what was important to each us, and each of us do what was on our lists.

Plan D! Plan D! Pick me!

I'm curious to see if your detaching plan will motivate him to quit traveling.

Duct work is where they stuff people who are useless for any other purpose.

Well, considering the fact that you have quite a few young children, I was thinking something a little less jarring. But it is your life.

Plan B would seem to be next. I never had the guts to go there. But that is what MB says to do when you no longer have the strength to continue Plan A. The idea is to preserve what little love you have left for your spouse. Sounds like CWMI has dangerously little left.

It won't. Counseling hasn't worked, talking hasn't worked, coaching with SH hasn't worked, improved relations from the removal of it hasn't worked, threats of punishment haven't worked, nope, have no delusions that detachment will work.

Except for me.

Okay, I've been wondering about this. What if you have a truly slothenly spouse who pretty much puts nothing on his/her list? Obviously, there are things that simply HAVE to be done. No one can live (healthily) without ever cleaning anything. So what do you do in this case? Does the spouse who actually cares about not living in a pigpen have to do absolutely EVERYTHING, simply because the person they're married to doesn't think any work around the house is important?

Please note, I'm not talking about my own M. But my mother is extremely lazy when it comes to housework and I grew up in a very filthy, unsanitary environment, so I know those people exist. I certainly don't think the answer to such a problem would be to make the spouse who does care about their living environment do everything while the other person contributes nothing at all. So what would be the solution when dealing with such a person?

Well, I'm trying the whole NGAF (Not giving a ...) but he's been blowing up my phone...I still don't GAF, but this would be a lot easier if he would leave me alone like he asked me to do for him. I could go for years without GAF, and just nod and smile and buy groceries and do my thing...problem is he wants me to GAF about him while tolerating him NGAF about me, and that will not happen.

OMG, I hope like hell you're not talking about how I must be. My H is OCD. There is a far, far, cry between OCD and filth. SH recognizes it, without ever stepping into your home.

Sounds like you are giving him the "silent treatment">

This is a hostile game to punish a spouse and try and get your way. It is a power game.

Really? It sounds like I'm not LBing him, not talking talking talking or getting in his space, like he asked me not to.

I'm not ignoring him, every time he has approached I've told him why I'm not interested. "You want breathing room, and I'm giving it to you. If you want me to be in love with you, stop traveling. Good night!"

Absolutely not!

I had this question when you first mentioned Dr. Harley's advice about chores, and I've been wondering about it ever since.

I was in no insinuating that you didn't think that any housekeeping was necessary. Sorry for the confusion.

Steve's advice about that was probably the only positive about our sessions. He does not [censored] about the house anymore. He does still square the chairs and sofas and tables as soon as he walks in the house, and I typically respond, "I tried. I know how you like it, and I really did try to make it so." And he gives me his BS about how difficult he knows he is, and he appreciates it, and I feel like carp.


And more and more, I understand...