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If the OM is able to retrieve his GF's emails, that means he has access to her computer. That tells me she is likely still living with him which means that a VISIT is very much in order.
The OM is knocking himself out trying to keep you from getting to his GF and his parents. Getting ahold of them will likely KILL this affair. He is probably keeping your wife on the sidelines for a piece of fun. If you cause holy hell in his life, he will dump her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
THAT WAS NOT WRITTEN BY THE OM'S GF. That was written by either the OM or your wife. He gave you a GREAT CLUE here by telling you not to contact his family. HE IS SCARED YOU WILL CONTACT HIS FAMILY. The solution is to contact his family and expose the affair!
And 'she' asked him not to contact his work - so that's a good target, as well!
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
That email from the "girlfriend" just gave you the perfect gameplan! Work, family, and girlfriend! Go get 'em!
Thank you, OM!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Iam the XXXXX you seem to be so desperately looking for.
I dont really use my Friends United page, so the information is out of date, however Iam still in a relationship with xxxx, as of 8 years.
I didnt appreciate the message you sent me and the amount of personal information you have received about xxxx and myself. If I was in your situation I would have dealt with things alot differently. Your message has not come as a shock to me, I have had my suspicions over the past 6 months. However Iam putting this behind me and want to repair my relationship with xxxx and move forward.
However, I think it is a bad idea trying to contact any of xxxxx family, this will not make things any better. xxxxx father is in ill health at the moment and would put more strain on a stressful time. I also urge you not to go to (his work) or my home again. I understand you are angry and frustrated but this will not encourage your wife to return to your marital home.
I have spoken to xxxx in great detail about your message, and he assures me xxxx has not left you because of him, and their affair was not sexual.
Please respect my privacy in these trying times.
Kind Regards xxxxxx
Help please...
THAT WAS NOT WRITTEN BY THE OM'S GF. That was written by either the OM or your wife. He gave you a GREAT CLUE here by telling you not to contact his family. HE IS SCARED YOU WILL CONTACT HIS FAMILY. The solution is to contact his family and expose the affair!
This is why exposure is best done in person first, phone second.
I've had a one to one meeting with my ww's sister tonight to try and get her on my viewpoint. Unfortunately she is just not recognising the fact that her sister (my wife!) is in the middle of wrecking our marriage (and her sisters future possible happiness)with dire consequences.
She has said she must be loyal to my ww's wishes even if that means our marriage is over. She won't recognise this loser om is just using my wife!
Does anyone have any suggestions as to overcome her objection here?
I've been quite blunt with her to the point of asking does she really care about her sister but have failed to get her onboard.
As far as the om's girlfriend i am going to drive round to the house tomorrow morning and see if i can observe the om leaving for work, if so i'll call at their house and see if she is there.
That message i am sure has not come from the om's girlfriend, he must be using her pc / passwords / email account.
Is it also worth sending several recorded delivery letters or do we thing these may get intercepted also.
Thanks again to everyone who is helping me out her.
BS(Me) Age 47 WS(Her) Age 47 Married 23 Yrs OM Single (Divorced)Age 39 OM Partner (Girlfriend) Age 29 No Kids
Does anyone have any suggestions as to overcome her objection here?
Neil, avoid trickle exposure. This will backfire on you. Have you exposed to everyone else, or just her sister?
You need to get on this. Time is now wasting. Your SIL will talk to your WW and she'll start to figure out that you're talking to people about her A. She'll make sure to get to them before you do so she can spin the story and make you look like a jealous nutcase. "Oh, that Neil, he's so controlling! He's such a liar! He just doesn't like my friends!"
Same deal on OM's side. You've flagged them that you're ready to talk. Get exposing before they take the wind out of your sails. If they beat you to the punch, your targets are going to look pityingly at you, because they'll buy your WW's story. You've got to get to them first.
No more one-on-ones with relatives, okay?
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
She has said she must be loyal to my ww's wishes even if that means our marriage is over. She won't recognise this loser om is just using my wife!
Does anyone have any suggestions as to overcome her objection here?
Neil, don't get into an argument with her because you don't want to alienate her. Alot of people have been brainwashed into believing that they should support their family members in whatever "makes them happy." I guess we should be grateful your WW is not a serial killer, huh?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
check out this awesome post by Lexxy, a former WW:
Originally Posted by Lexxy
I am only going to post to you ONCE HFD -- because I have no interest in beating my head against a wall.
But since I have a different perspective to offer you, I will TRY to get through to you. I was a WW.
The reason you EXPOSE is to ruin the fantasy.
I was involved with a single OM who had a very large family. Mom, Dad, lots of brothers, sisters, in-laws, etc. OM very much presented me to his mom as her next daughter-in-law. How do you think that would have gone over if my HUSBAND called her? Do you think she would have welcomed me to the next family holiday with open arms? HA! Not a chance.
I met all of his friends. It would have been HUMILIATING if they had learned that OM and I were nothing more than a sleazy affair.
I had every intention of presenting OM to my friends and family as someone I had gotten involved with AFTER my divorce.
Exposure would have ruined all of my plans. I was terrified of it, and I used every manipulative tactic known to man to avoid it.
In the meantime, I went to counseling and gave the APPEARANCE of working on the marriage -- so that my husband would see all of my good efforts, and stop interfering in my affair. I figured if I made enough effort eventually he would see that it wasn't working and we weren't meant to be married.
So HFD, your wife doens't fool me with her interest in MC or filling out questionaires.... And you don't fool me with your stalling. You're afraid. And you need to stop being afraid of your wife.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Melody thats an awesome quote, I wish you had shown me that!
Neil, time for the newbie on to give you his two cents. I exposed two weeks ago right before xmas - nice huh? I will tell you the results are dramatic. I got to the GF, I got to WWs family before she could, I got to OMs family indirectly. OM is a freakin mess now. I wrecked his life. My wife is still so pissed its not funny. Well actually it is. And the best part? Now I have a shot with her. Before I was screwed. SHe was only here for my kid. Now the tide has turned.
I know its scary, believe me. And no it isn't guarunteed. But its the best shot you have.
Neil, avoid trickle exposure. This will backfire on you. Have you exposed to everyone else, or just her sister?
You need to get on this. Time is now wasting. Your SIL will talk to your WW and she'll start to figure out that you're talking to people about her A. She'll make sure to get to them before you do so she can spin the story and make you look like a jealous nutcase. "Oh, that Neil, he's so controlling! He's such a liar! He just doesn't like my friends!"
Same deal on OM's side. You've flagged them that you're ready to talk. Get exposing before they take the wind out of your sails. If they beat you to the punch, your targets are going to look pityingly at you, because they'll buy your WW's story. You've got to get to them first.
No more one-on-ones with relatives, okay?
I've exposed to her sister, our joint close friends, her immediate work colleagues (approx 12 members of staff), and her manager.
3 letters so far posted to the om's girlfriend (put directly through the om's letter box) but i believe these have been intercepted by the om. As everyone has said the om has also intercepted an email i addressed to the om's girlfriend so that failed, this is it.
I have just returned from the om's flat and there is signs the girlfriend has moved out!
Unless i am totally wrong here it looks as if someone has had a good clearout. Outside the flat there is boxes of womens clothing, shoes, boots etc. This could be a coincidence but my feeling is that she has left and is none the wiser of whats being going on.
With the exception of the love letter i've sent to my ww i don't see what else i can do except exposing to the directors of the company they work for now. I don't have any other contact details for my ww or the om's family without resorting back to the private investigator.
If i also expose to the directors at her workplace could this put her job at risk? I don't want to end up supporting her fiancially in her rented flat because of her losing her job.
If things don't work out between I've emailed the pi now to see what options they may be able to provide as well as costings. Due to my financial situation though i am limited as to how much money i can afford to spend on trying to track the om's father and family members down.
As far as my ww sister, i don't trust her with a bargepole now!
Would going totally silent for a few weeks or a couple of months be of benefit? I know time is ticking by but i can't see another workaround other than what i am doing.
Thanks again.
BS(Me) Age 47 WS(Her) Age 47 Married 23 Yrs OM Single (Divorced)Age 39 OM Partner (Girlfriend) Age 29 No Kids
With the exception of the love letter i've sent to my ww i don't see what else i can do except exposing to the directors of the company they work for now. I don't have any other contact details for my ww or the om's family without resorting back to the private investigator.
If i also expose to the directors at her workplace could this put her job at risk? I don't want to end up supporting her fiancially in her rented flat because of her losing her job.
But, you're not going to support her wayward activities if she loses her job! That's her problem! She shouldn't have been screwing around with co-workers!
If these two are working together the heads of the company are prime exposure targets.
I've got to get off here for a sec and do some work, but I'll look for the workplace exposure letter and post it for you. Hopefully someone will get it on here before I get back.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
[With the exception of the love letter i've sent to my ww i don't see what else i can do except exposing to the directors of the company they work for now. I don't have any other contact details for my ww or the om's family without resorting back to the private investigator.
If i also expose to the directors at her workplace could this put her job at risk? I don't want to end up supporting her fiancially in her rented flat because of her losing her job.
I suspect the OM and his GF moved out because of YOU. He is much too worried about you getting through to his GF and his family. Just think, if he was broken up with his GF, he would have laughed and thrown your letter away. He wouldn't care enough to send you that manipulative letter trying to discourage you.
So no, I don't think he did break up.
I think you have a powerful weapon in your hands if you find his family and expose to them. I bet he is engaged but is keeping your wife on the sideline for a little fun. That is what Reynold's wife was doing and he blew the doors off that real fast.
The OM is scared to death you will get to his family. Please, please try to expose to his family.
And yes, you very much should expose to the directors of their company!!! That is how you do a workplace exposure. You want them to call the affairees in and confront them. Most likely they won't get fired, but it will be no fun to carry on the affair at work if everyone is watching them. If she gets fired over her affair, then I guess the OM will have to support her, right? You won't because she has left!
Send them this letter and be sure and cc several key people, such as the OM and your WW's supervisor<s> and a key VP. You do this so no one person is tempted to sweep this under the rug:
Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.
WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.
If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.
Regards,
BS _________________________
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I agree, until this GF tells you to your face that she does not care you do not quit. She is likely the key here just like mine was. It won't get you out of the woods, but it will kill the affair if he wants her not your wife.
Go to her job, find her parents, find her facebook friends do whatever you have to.
check out this awesome post by Lexxy, a former WW:
Originally Posted by Lexxy
I am only going to post to you ONCE HFD -- because I have no interest in beating my head against a wall.
But since I have a different perspective to offer you, I will TRY to get through to you. I was a WW.
The reason you EXPOSE is to ruin the fantasy.
I was involved with a single OM who had a very large family. Mom, Dad, lots of brothers, sisters, in-laws, etc. OM very much presented me to his mom as her next daughter-in-law. How do you think that would have gone over if my HUSBAND called her? Do you think she would have welcomed me to the next family holiday with open arms? HA! Not a chance.
I met all of his friends. It would have been HUMILIATING if they had learned that OM and I were nothing more than a sleazy affair.
I had every intention of presenting OM to my friends and family as someone I had gotten involved with AFTER my divorce.
Exposure would have ruined all of my plans. I was terrified of it, and I used every manipulative tactic known to man to avoid it.
In the meantime, I went to counseling and gave the APPEARANCE of working on the marriage -- so that my husband would see all of my good efforts, and stop interfering in my affair. I figured if I made enough effort eventually he would see that it wasn't working and we weren't meant to be married.
So HFD, your wife doens't fool me with her interest in MC or filling out questionaires.... And you don't fool me with your stalling. You're afraid. And you need to stop being afraid of your wife.
Wow. This quote gave me chills. These A's follow such similar scripts. My WW and the OM planned to file for divorce this spring, and keep the A a secret so that they could claim that their respective marriages had simply run their course. They didn't want anyone to know that the A is the reason both marriages would end.
After exposure, the OM's wife and kids blew up the fantasy. The OM's wife said she would make sure my WW would be the most miserable woman on earth if she got together with the OM.
Exposure brought my wife back to me, and now she sees how bad her choices were. She is 100% behind our marriage, and I am being the man I need to be to keep us emotionally invested in each other.
If the A wouldn't have been exposed, my life would be very different right now. Thanks MelodyLane for giving us this insight from Lexxy. She and my wife were reading from the EXACT same script.
Neilc: keep exposing! If it brings her any damage, remember that she must accept the consequences of having an affair. You are simply trying to kill the affair. It is the right thing to do in every circumstance!
Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40 Her: FWW and FBW: 40
2011: In recovery
A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
Heres the latest developments but like before i am totally lost again as how best to proceed now.
Things have started to get very difficult with my ww and the om with me, i am actually now considering walking away and facing the reality that i will have to start rebuilding my life for the years ahead without her.
I sent my wife the love letter as previously reported and have also sent several letters to heads of departments and the operations manager for the company my ww and the om work for.
I now feel absolutely terrible and are at rock bottom.
Yesterday i received a telephone call at work from the police asking for me to go and see them for a meeting late yesterday afternoon.
On the telephone they wouldn't go into any details other than to say they needed to investigate a complaint they had received from my ww.
I attended the local police station and was taken into an interview room where i was first cautioned and then were told my ww and the om had made a complaint of harassment against me with regards to the letters i had sent to their employer.
The meeting was totally one sided and i feel helpless as to what i can do now.
The police told me i must not send any more letters, emails, text messages to my wife, the om, or attempt to get in touch with the om's girlfriend as the om and my wife have specifically told the police they do not wish to have any contact with me at all.
I cannot believe the police have taken this stance, i feel the om's girlfriend is STILL living with the om in his flat, has not moved out, and is oblivious to what is going on.
I feel he is either using her as well as my wife or he will at some point kick her out (the old i love you but i don't love you speech) and she will never know what has been going on.
My focus is to get my wife back with whatever it takes but i cannot get myself into any further trouble here with the police.
At the end of the meeting they diddn't charge me as they said it was preferential at his time for me to just let my wife go.
I take it from this that my wife has made a complaint butshe must of said she diddn't want them to charge me.
So, i can't post any future letters now.Is it time to just back off and seee if their affair fizzles out naturally?
I really want to save my wife from this crazy reality world she has her head in but i also need to protect my own sanity as well.
BS(Me) Age 47 WS(Her) Age 47 Married 23 Yrs OM Single (Divorced)Age 39 OM Partner (Girlfriend) Age 29 No Kids
Neil, where are you exactly? I can't imagine them following through with a legal thing.
I think that shows you that you hit them where it hurts. No time to abandon your efforts even if you can't contact.
Suggest you spend a couple of bucks on a lawyer. The best defense against something like this where I am is the TRUTH. You can't slander someone here if you aren't lying.
In the states some places I understand you can sue for "alienation of affection" Maybe look into that if they want to play lawyers.
I think at this point all your exposure should be at work and you have sent the letter to your wife with your hopes and dreams. This is a good step, now all you can do is let the affair play out and let it die it's own brutal death........... In the meantime take care of yourself in terms of finances, your job and your mental health......... Make sure you put yourself first every step of the way, no more Mr. Nice Guy, but conduct yourself like a gentleman............ Your wife knows what she is doing is wrong and that the way she is treating you is mean. She will come to her senses soon, believe me this man doesn't seem like such a prize................... Read up on a dark Plan B, live your life for you................ stop trying to make sense of someone else's decisions.............
BW 56 WH 57 Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that..... DS 23, DS 25 D-Day Nov 23/09 NC Mar 1/10 Working on Recovery Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Thank you, OM!! 