Carka,

I know what you're saying...

Mrs.Flint once told me that her and my ex-brother used to joke about them getting married...

and wouldn't everyone think it was funny...

I didn't think it was a very funny joke.

Hang in there, Carka, one of the hardest things to remember is not to allow triggers from the PAST to affect your TODAY.

Sounds like you and your H are doing great!!!

Jim

Hi Carka. I'm not sure why I've never posted on your thread before because I've read through it a couple times. My H had an A with my sister many years ago and I just learned about it last March.

How are things between you and your brother? You and your sister? Do you only have two siblings?

We are doing good.

Early Dec. my nephew had a birthday party at Chuckie Cheese. (my three kids were invited) My brother offered to pick them up but because the party was on a school night, I felt like I should drop them off and pick them up. Otherwise they would've been home too late.
H and I planned to have a sushi date night while they were there.

When I dropped them off I decided to go inside. ( I know...not very MBish) Don't worry.....H waited for me in the parking lot.
It was something I felt I needed to do. I went in and told my nephew Happy Birthday, hugged him and said hi to my other brother who was there.

OWSIL didn't even make eye contact with me! Avoided me like the plague. That was fine with me, of course.

The way I felt about it was: I felt like I needed to take something back that was stolen from me. My family was there and I couldn't be.....and that just hurts.

After I dropped them off, H and I went and enjoyed sushi together.

When I picked them up it was a little more awkward. So I had some difficult feelings. It was hard knowing I couldn't have stayed even if I wanted to.

Though I had some difficult feelings afterwards, I think it was a good thing. I looked great that night and walked in with confidence. ((even though I was shaking)

It may have not been the right thing to do but for whatever reason, I needed to do it. And as weird as this sounds I wanted her to see me looking confident and happy....see that I was not still falling apart.
It was mostly an act on my part becuase I was really nervous. And really, I am still struggling in a lot of ways. Healing from this is a difficult process.

The holidays went well. They are different now.....but good. My brother and I have yet to get together and exchange gifts for the kids. I'm sure soon though.

H and I are doing good and recently enjoyed a vacation in Las Vegas together. Had a great time.

Carka

Hey Delta,

My Sis and I have been communicating well. I got to see her when H and I were in Vegas. It's difficult seeing her go through such a hard time though. Her and her H are now separated.

My brother and I do not see eachother often but are communicating ok when we do.

My Dad recently came to visit and one of the days he was here my brother and I hung out with him together and it was actually kind of fun.

No, not MBish, but I get it that you wanted to show off your happiness and confidence. And I also understand the part about a family event being stolen from you. Future events will be stolen from me, too.

How do you feel about your kids being in OWSIL's presence? I really struggle with this one. I don't think I'll ever want my kids around OWS. They are the enemies of our families.

It's hard to take. and I'm not really comfortable with it being a regular thing. It's really going to depend on the situation.

Carka -
Just thought I would share with you that I had the same experience you are having. I chose to divorce my husband because this was the second affair and I honestly could not get past the betrayal. My brother stayed married to the sister in law and they are "in recovery." I have a relationship with my brother and he will always be my brother but it's not the same.

I have been able to forgive my sister in law, but it was a process. I no longer look up to her or model myself after her like I used to.

I follow the boards from time to time to see if anyone else experienced the same thing I did. I can tell you that it is SO hard to get through the family dynamics and double betrayal. I commed you and your husband for working things out. I wish you the best.

Hi!!

Wanted to update. It's been a while since I've posted, but have been checking and reading every now and again.

I'm having trouble firguring out where to start. Well, I guess I'll start by saying that my family and get to start fresh in another state!! My h job will be moving in the next 6 mos. or so. I've wanted this for a long time.
I'ts in a much better climate so will brobably help some with my depression issues.(hopefully) Anyway, we are really looking forward to it.

My sister has since divorced and moved to our area with her son and I've been trying to support and be there for her.

My brother and I are doing good. But I think that is in large part due to me resuming contact with owsil. (me only!! not my h) I confronted her a while back and finally got an apology.....well sort of.

It's now to the point where I can go in their house to pick up my nephew and what not.

I fully understand that this is keeping me triggered in a lot of ways. But decided anyway, that *I* wanted back in my family in a sense.

I do realize that this goes against healing and the mb way. But I have to learn the hard way I guess.

I think moving is going to do me a great deal of good.

The holidays are fastly approaching and it's been hinted that they would like to spend them together. I suppose this is my fault because I've erased some of the lines that should've been clear.
But I think that because they know we are moving soon it prompted the idea.
Don't worry H will not involve himself and thinks its a bad idea for me.

Oh....and MIL has moved in with us as she will renting from us when we move.

I ask for understanding from you all here. I can't even express to you the difficulty when ap's are family and how hard it is escape. The amazing loss. So.....please go easy on me guys!

Sorry if I was all over the place.

I think the move will be great for you, in part because you can avoid ever seeing or speaking to OW SIL ever again. Each time you see her, your husband will lose some love in his Love Bank account in your heart, even though he's done nothing recently to merit it. While this helps your relationship with your brother, you're hurting your marriage each time you see her. That's unfortunate.

Yeah. Affairs in-family are very, very hard.

Carka, as recently as October this year you were told that you should not be seeing OWSIL and that you were hurting your marriage every time you saw her.

If anyone cares to read the first 50 posts or so from this thread, they will see that you were advised, firmly and repeatedly, to go NC from this woman. You received much support and advice from people here, and it is not "harsh" for Pepperband to point out that you did the opposite and to express frustration.

This thread also shows that you received experienced advice from two posters with a brother and sister as the OP: Jim Flint and Delta, respectively.

You've had the help. People could not have given more. Why haven't you followed it, and why are you upset when it is suggested that you brought your continued unhappiness on yourself?

Hello all!

It's been almost a year since I've posted.

We relocated in Aug. 2012
The kids and I were here for 2 months on our own. H still had to work in the other state. He came out on the weekends and we talked A LOT! He was staying with his mom and could account for all his whereabouts.(there was a hiccup though, which I'll get to) It wasn't ideal, but was what it was. He was here and settled in Oct.

I went off my med in, I think, April 2012, because it wasn't working that great. Weaned down and it took several months.

Once off the meds a while and all settled in our new home. My health took a nose dive. I started having all kinds of issues. My blood pressure dropped very low. I was blacking out almost every time I got up from a laying or sitting position. Started losing a bunch of hair. (still am, not as much now though) Had near constant fatigue. I spent many days in bed, only getting up to use the bathroom and eat.
Panic attacks, depression, and a laundry list of other health issues and sensitivities.

Found a great doc out here and did tons of tests. Nothing major to be found. I believe now that I'm experiencing discontinuation syndrome from going off the med too fast.
The whole thing has just been a sh*t storm.

Even though I was struggling after my h's affair....I severely regret going on an antidepressant. It's a decision That I'm paying dearly for now even at almost a year off.

I think the main reason that I've shared that is because people here really seem to encourage ad's.
There are tons of other things to help that are natural. At the very least, try those first.
I felt I needed the med at the time and was sinking fast. So I truly understand the decision to go on them. But realize that there are risks and do your research first.

Not everyone has the same makeup and some people are very sensitive to the chemistry changes these meds make to ones system.
I was looking for a quick fix for some very intense emotions and thoughts.

So after dealing with a horrific affair...I get to now deal with this. Unfortunately, I can't take any other med. I've developed major sensitivities to a whole host of things. Doc tried to put me on anti anxiety meds and it made symptoms worse. I have to be careful of all substances I put in my body until I heal.

Good times.....

The last time I was actively posting I received some well deserved 2 by 4's

But I need to say something.

I've heard form some here that there are *lots* of posters here who have dealt with affairs in the family. I have only seen a few. The most regular being Jim.
So, unless you have dealt with this personally you really have have no way of knowing the extra difficulty it can entail.

My decision to associate at all with her was stupid. I get that now.
But I will not give up a relationship with my brother. Plain and simple.

Every affair experienced is dreadful. One of the worst things a person can go through.
There is not one person here that can say they did things by the book from the beginning.

I've had life as I knew it ripped out from under me. The fallout from all of this has been devastating to say the least.

Continued.....

Right before my h moved out here for good he went out with a good family friend. This particular friend and his wife know of the affair and have been a great support. So I had very little issue with their boys night out.

I was told all about their night and the whereabouts etc.

Fast forward a couple days after the night out, while looking at my bank statement. I found some very odd withdrawals from our checking accnt. The same night as h and his friend's outing.
There was a mini mart debit purchase and an atm withdrawal, which my h said was him at the beginning of the night.
Then about 3-4 weird random atm withdrawals. Way later on and in the downtown area. My h was not in that area according to him and his friend.
My h says those transactions are definitely not his.

I immediately call my bank and alert them that our account info was stolen and they in turn start an investigation.
My h thinks that his info was taken from the mini mart. That doesn't make sense to me because it would take time to make a fake card, right?
My bank denied the claim because they said it was h's card that was used.
Keep in mind that I'm in another state.

My theory is that h and his friend went balls to the wall because my h was moving soon and they wanting to have one last *fun* night. And maybe he is lying because they went to strip clubs and what not. H denies this up and down. He swears that those transactions had nothing to do with him and that night went exactly as he said. H's friend even called me and confirmed h story.
I talked with h and tried to get him to fess up but to no avail.

I've since tried to let it go. This happened way back in Oct. 2012. Prior to that he had been great and worked really hard to change himself for the better post affair. I thought he deserved a night out with a family friend.

Months and months have gone by and I haven't brought it up. It's still nagging at me though. It doesn't make sense.
The fear in me wants to involve ow. Because he was moving soon and maybe *they* wanted one last night together. There is absolutely no evidence to this whatsoever.
He is completely transparent, and has been since d day.
The phone he has now belongs to my Dad and can be accessed at anytime. Most of the calls on there are to me. His mom can account for him being home after work while he was staying there. When he was there, we were in contact all throughout the day.

Like I said before. There is absolutely no evidence pointing to my h doing anything other than what he says. He's been an open book. I still snoop. I still verify.

What do you guys think? Let it go?

I wanted to add that the reason the kids and I were here before my h is that the company move date kept getting pushed back and we had already bought a house and the kids had to start school. Us being separated was not planned and not our fault.

We even tried to get his boss to let him work from home in the new place. It was out of our hands.

I did go no contact with her for the year plus after d day. Then had very sporadic contact with her after that point. I explained why.
I had her as a friend on facebook to keep an eye on her.

It was through her posts on facebook and myspace that eventually led to me finding out the affair. I looked at it as a tool.
Unfortunately I kept looking at her page obsessively and it became too much of a trigger.

Oops! there was supposed to be a quote in there.

hi carka. welcome back to recovery. it's always good to hear from those who have stopped posting for a while.

i know you're expecting this: you have kept yourself triggered, and you and your H are not living an integrated, MB M, so it's no wonder you have these doubts and that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach again.

i am glad to hear you have gone NC with the POSOWSIL. i do understand (theoretically, i know) how difficult it must be with family involved, but you have to do what you have to do for YOU and your M.

it's funny, i was just over on RQs thread thinking about how much we resist change, thinking it's going to be so much MORE harder than what we're doing now, when the opposite is actually true. i think this applies to your sitch as well (and goodness knows it did to mine - perhaps all of us at some point).

whoops, i've got to run to work now, but i look forward to more posts from you. if you continue to post regularly, we can help you get to the good place.

That's interesting. What else outside of past contact I had with owsil would make you say that?

If your H was claiming that he didn't make those withdrawals, he should have filed a fraud report with his CC company. I've had my card hacked about twice, and I certainly didn't claim that it wasn't me, while letting the thief keep the money and paying the bill myself.

Here in the UK, cash machines (ATMs) take four photographs of the person using the machine. These are used if a crime is reported. There are also CCTV cameras all over our high streets and shopping areas, and the footage from these would be requested by a bank if necessary.

I would want to know if OW was involved and I would MAKE my H go to the police about the theft of his money in order to get to the truth.