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#2460247 01/05/11 01:35 PM
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I found out the first week of December about my husband's affair. I am 8 months pregnant with our 2nd baby and we have a two year old son. We have been married for almost 5 years.

I have seen small signs for the past few months...putting new passwords on his cell phone, email, etc. He had been coming home from work late, *always* on the computer or the phone, etc.

My son was playing with my husband's cell phone and handed it to me when his little game was over. I noticed a text message pop in that said "I miss you". I opened it and read his most recent conversation with one of his clients (he is a personal fitness trainer) and it was very sexual and graphic, but at the same time, romantic.

I confronted him and we have obviously had numerous conversations since then. He says it was strictly emotional. He said they got sexual through emails and texts and phone calls, but he swears it never got physical. He never kissed her, slept with her, etc.

Since finding out, he has ended things with her. She has left the gym and he has had no contact with her that I know of (I have been checking the cell phone bills, emails, etc.) He says he is extremely sorry, doesn't know what he was doing, wants to rebuild our marriage, he is still madly in love with me...he says he just got "distracted".

The affair lasted 3 months. We had hit a rough patch in our sex life, finances have been rough and there was some family trouble thrown in there, too. Our marriage wasn't on the best ground, but I didn't think he was this unhappy to stray either.

Where I am hung up is if it got physical or not. I don't feel like I can completely move on and mend our marriage unless he is 100% upfront with me and opens up about everything. I feel that he has been open with everything but this one area. He claims they only saw eachother outside of training sessions twice--once for dinner and once for lunch. He said they never even "hung out" outside of their training, because he was too scared of getting caught (we live in a small town and many family and friends around).

He trained her 3 times a week and she works walking distance to the gym (where he works and spends 50+ hours a week). She also lives 20 minutes away. LIke I said, he swears up and down it didn't, but I don't see how it couldn't have. And he made a comment recently..."even if it did get physical, why on earth would I tell you? It would just devastate you more and cause you even more heart ache. I don't want to hurt you any more." I asked him if that was an admission and he said absolutely not, but he wishes I would stop asking, because the answer was going to be the same every time.

Where do I go from here? If he is not going to admit anything more and this is how it's going to be, am I just forced to move on and accept what he says, even though I feel different?!

I am depressed, distraught, confused...just don't know what to do or how to move forward.

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Best advice I can offer is LISTEN to what the seasoned folks here tell you. I was here two years ago and didn't listen. It did NOT get better and now it is affair #2 and I AM getting a divorce.

Believe NOTHING your husband tells you. It will all be lies or at the very best 1/2 truths to benefit him.

I have been living the hell you are going through for a week now.

My wife tells me exactly the same thing. Unless my wife and your husband are sister and brother there is a pattern here with all cheaters. I could not imagine how much my wife could lie. She is caught and not going to give up the truth unless she has to. They had sex even if they don't admit it.

I beat myself up thinking what if I am wrong? What if she is telling me the truth. Who wants their spouse to betray them?

Do what the folks here say. They are right.

RC


Last edited by RoseCroix; 01/05/11 01:52 PM.

BH - age 50
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I am not a vet here either (yet), but I can give you some initial observations:

First of all, we are all sorry that this has happened to you, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT he had an affair. I would bet my house that this affair (A) was a physical affair (PA.) Sexual, romantic texts are a byproduct of a full blown PA and EA (emotional affair.)

He is giving you the "trickle truth" (I believe this is what they call it here.) He is only revealing to you what he has to, based on what you know. Don't believe for a second that the A is over.

He is also giving you the "I-don't-want-to-tell-you-the-whole-truth, because-I-am-'protecting-you' line of BS. This is a most basic tactic by adulterers. He is telling you what you want to hear, but certainly not the truth.

Now that he has been caught, the A typically heads underground, because it is an addiction. Your primary task is to kill the A through exposure. The vets will show you how to do that. Also, what do you know about the other woman?

Hang in there. Help is on the way. In the meantime, take very good care of yourself emotionally and physically for the sake of your unborn.


Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

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A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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Originally Posted by Wisertoday
I would bet my house that this affair (A) was a physical affair (PA.) Sexual, romantic texts are a byproduct of a full blown PA and EA (emotional affair.)

Yes, it likely was a physical affair. Remember that all cheaters lie. It's what they do. They do not tell the truth.

Spare yourself the headache of uncertainty and schedule a polygraph ASAP. I wish I would have done this right away. Don't tell your WH in advance about the appointment.

Originally Posted by Wisertoday
The fact that he would have an A while you are pregnant is gut-wrenching, and it tells me he has no boundaries, nor any respect for your marriage whatsoever.

Yes, this A is gut wrenching, but so is every other A. You WH does not have proper boundaries and will need to establish and maintain proper boundaries if your M is to survive.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.


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Exposure has happened. The other woman told a friend who told my husband's boss and coworkers (which includes a few of MY family members).

The other woman...married, one baby (2 years old). I have thought about writing her, calling her, contacting her in some way. I have been warned by several people who know her husband not to do that. They say my husband will wind up in the hospital at the very least. Apparently her husband is extremely jealous, has violent tendancies and is "crazy". It scares me for not only my husband, but myself and my family.

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I am done worrying about the consequences of my wife's poor choices for her. I had to let go of all that and pilot my own ship. I am done trying to fix it for her. Did me no good and my payment for it was two affairs.

Like everyone I truly feel your pain.

RC

PS remember take the advice given here it is good advice and the right thing to do.


BH - age 50
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Originally Posted by lily2009
The other woman...married, one baby (2 years old). I have thought about writing her, calling her, contacting her in some way. I have been warned by several people who know her husband not to do that. They say my husband will wind up in the hospital at the very least. Apparently her husband is extremely jealous, has violent tendancies and is "crazy". It scares me for not only my husband, but myself and my family.

Don't you think that the OWH has a right to know the truth about what his wife is doing? If your husband winds up in the hospital...well, that is a risk he took having an affair with a married woman. By remaining silent, you are shielding your WH from the consequences of his actions, and even allowing the A to continue underground.


Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
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What is everyone's opinion on contacting the other woman?

I know most will probably think I am stupid, but I am pretty certain it hasn't gone underground. He is never on his phone anymore, never on the computer anymore, he is home ALL the time, and when he is at work I get a full report from my aunt (who works with him and has been keeping an eye on him for me).

He says he wants to move on so bad. He tells me every day what a mistake he made and how much he regrets it. He has shed tears, he has looked quite depressed. He swears up and down it is over over over with her. He tells me it was the "friendship" that he was most attracted to.

See, my pregnancies are really rough. I am vomiting 8-10 times a day, everyday, for the first 6 months or so. I am sicker than a dog and completely unproductive. We hadn't had sex in 3 months. I went to bed every night around 7. We were completely disconnected. We were like roommates. We barely even talked anymore. He said it was the companionship he craved and was getting from her.




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What kind of exposure happened, exactly?

I mean, what did the OW say to this friend of your husband's boss/coworkers?

* * *

My thought is this:

Given the "I miss you" statement, I would have to say that there is reason for suspicion of a Physical Affair (PA).

Now, granted, "I miss you" could be meant in different ways...but go with your gut on this one.

I would actually say that a person COULD have an affair that was strictly text/chat oriented without getting physical.

Before I kissed my OW, thats where we were--just talking/flirting/fantasizing. So its possible to keep it limited to just words....

Quote
"even if it did get physical, why on earth would I tell you? It would just devastate you more and cause you even more heart ache. I don't want to hurt you any more."

I guess I would approach it this way.

"Hey, honey...I wanted to ask you something....the other day you said (quote him). I know you love me, and I know you are sorry for hurting me. Thank you for finally being open with me.

You say you don't want to hurt me anymore, and thank you for that. I still have doubts about your relationship with (her). Things just don't add up in my head and I need you to help me make sense of it, please.

But I need you to ask yourself: What do you think would hurt worse: finding out here and now, from you, that you did have sex with her....or finding it our later after we'd begun to rebuild our marriage?"

Just a thought!


Click to reveal.. (My Stuff)
FWH 36 EA/PA NC & D-day 12/21/10
FWW 36 EA / NC & D-day 12/8/10
Married: 12+ years
Together: 17+
Kids: x3
Working together to be better than ever!


And if the music stops
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All of the sacrifice in vain
And if love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
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Originally Posted by lily2009
He claims they only saw eachother outside of training sessions twice--once for dinner and once for lunch. He said they never even "hung out" outside of their training, because he was too scared of getting caught (we live in a small town and many family and friends around).

Lily,
Sorry you have to be here. Know you are amongst friends and people who understand and can help you. LISTEN TO THE VETS.

I can't offer any advice to you. I'm in my own terrible mess with my alcoholic WH(wayward husband) SECOND affair. I was here 3 years ago and didn't follow through all the steps. Now my WH has moved into his own apartment, still seeing the OW(alcoholic also), acting like a 'family' with her and her kids, enjoying his freedom and lack of responsibility and I'm left here with two teens and the burden of being a single parent and not knowing what's around the corner. LISTEN TO THE VETS.

I WILL however tell you this. Your husband is lying to you, texting sexual messages is always a sign of a PA. Texting sexual/romantic messages is always a sign of PA/EA.

Living in a small town has it's advantages and disadvantages. I too live in a small town. Advantage: everybody knows everybody. Disadvantage: everybody knows everybody. A #2 is with a local towner. Unfortunatly for me neither she nor my husband care who knows and they carry on like THEY are husband and wife! A #1 ended when I exposed to everyone, including her employer and she got fired and wanted nothing else to do with my H. Exposure does sometimes put an END to an A. Pressure from family and friends can have a BIG impact on the A.

Take care of yourself and your little one(s). Again, so sorry you are here. and again...LISTEN TO THE VETS and FOLLOW THROUGH with what they tell you.


BS/ME 47 Met on blind date
WH 46(Alcoholic,drugs?)
DS1:18 DS2:15
1st A EA9/07 PA10/07 NC11/07
2nd A EA/PA-10/2010
Found out- 11/20/2010
He moved out-1/1/2011 same apt.cmplx as OW(&her kids)
PlanB-1/1/11(broken)
NEW PB-2/11 Taking it one day at a time


There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done" and those to whom God says, "Alright then, have it your way." ~C .S.Lewis


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We barely even talked anymore. He said it was the companionship he craved and was getting from her.
That [censored]! His wife is as sick as a dog because she's pregnant with HIS child, so he has an affair because he wasn't getting enough companionship from her!? rant2

I'll go back to the beginning and post in order. Just had to get this out.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I understand the roommates feeling.

We watched some newer movie a few months back, and in it, one of the couples was talking to their friends separately and they both said "We are really good roommates" or something along those lines.

Thats how we were.

* * * *

My opinion....don't contact the other woman.

From what you are saying and what you are seeing and what is being reported to you, it looks promising that there is no contact.

Its good that he is owning his mistake. Thats one of the things that I've read in Dr. Harleys posts: thank your spouse for giving you another chance, every day if you have to, and don't act like nothing happened.

Introduce him the the MB site.

Have him read the 4 Infidelity articles that Dr. Harley posted, starting with this one:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

Have him read the Basic Concepts and Emotional Needs.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Ask him to do the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, and see how his desire for Affection and Conversation rank. If what he says is true, that his desire was for the conversation and companionship, this will be reflected in his rankings.


Click to reveal.. (My Stuff)
FWH 36 EA/PA NC & D-day 12/21/10
FWW 36 EA / NC & D-day 12/8/10
Married: 12+ years
Together: 17+
Kids: x3
Working together to be better than ever!


And if the music stops
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All of the sacrifice in vain
And if love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
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Lily, "I miss you" is NOT the message of a non-physical affair. I'm sorry, but that's just your own desire to be in denial of what you KNOW to be the truth.

I'm sorry you're here. This is the club no one wants to join! There are a lot of super, compassionate, wise veterans here who can guide you moving forward.

For starters, try to read everything you can on this site. You need to know the Marriage Builders concepts if you want to recover your marriage. Start by clicking the links on the red-bordered box to the right. -->

Read up on PLAN A and PLAN B. You are going to be required to do things that at first blush might go against your "natural instincts." LISTEN TO THE VETERANS. They know what they are saying!

You will need to SNOOP, SNOOP, SNOOP. All the while you are making like the picture-perfect wife. Your husband will be required to cut off ALL CONTACT with the other woman, and this is best done through a letter that YOU REVIEW AND APPROVE before YOU SEND. An example of this letter can be found here on the site and in the book, Surviving An Affair. Again, the veterans will help you craft this letter if you want.

Come here, ask any question, listen to directions, and vent, scream, wail and moan here -- NOT to your husband!

This is the worst time in many peoples' lives. You need not face it alone. By coming here you have just enlisted a wonderful, powerful, faceless army. We can help you if you let us.

Start reading!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Quote
What is everyone's opinion on contacting the other woman?
Lily, I'm sorry you have to be here, but you've come to the right place.

Your WH is trickle-truthing you. The A was PA, I am sure. Those nights when he got home late? Where do you think he was? Sitting somewhere, feeling emotional about OW? Nope.

You need to insist that BH come clean with every detail you want to know. His tears and anguish don't mean squat if he thinks so little of you that he would hold the truth of your relationship from you. YOU are driving the bus now, Lily. Not your WH. If he is reluctant to disclose all detais you require, if he says he forgets details, if you think he is withholding information, demand a lie detector test. Schedule it yourself. Within a day or so of the test, the WS usually starts singing like a bird so they aren't 'caught out' in their lies.

And yes, you need to make a phone call. But not to the OW. You need to call her HUSBAND. He deserves to know the terrible assault that has occurred to his marriage.

I wouldn't put a lot of stock in his 'being crazy' or anything like that. And I suspect what you'll find when you DO call him is a devastated husband. The OW always makes sure that everyone around her thinks her H is a nut, just in case she leaves him for her OM. That way, no one will think poorly of her.

Explain to OWH who you are and that your spouses have been engaging in an adulterous affair for three months. Tell him you have details if he would like to hear them. Tell him you have phone records that will support what you're saying. Give him your phone number and ask him to help you make sure that there is no contact between your WH and his WW.

If your WH is truly sorry he needs to start righting the ship and doing whatever it takes to make you feel safe in your M again. His job has just begun.

One of the first things I would put on his 'To Do' list is to go the the OWH and apologize.

Then he needs to sit down with you and write a 'no contact' letter to the OW. You need to read it, approve it and mail it for him. Do not let him mail it.

Please go to the bookstore on this site and order Surviving an Affair, quickly. It's going to be your handbook for getting through this and recovering your M.

I'm sorry you here, but I think we can help.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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MB, not to hijack, but question:

Why is it lily's duty/responsibility to inform the OWH of his wife's indiscretion?

She doesn't have proof (yet) anything physical happened...just that gut feeling.

In my opinion, its not her job to expose it to that guy.

She needs to deal with her own marriage, address that, and not worry about what happens with other people's marriage--including the OW and her husband.

Just wondering what purpose it serves to "out" the other person to their spouse...other than to share some grief (not in a good way)....?


Click to reveal.. (My Stuff)
FWH 36 EA/PA NC & D-day 12/21/10
FWW 36 EA / NC & D-day 12/8/10
Married: 12+ years
Together: 17+
Kids: x3
Working together to be better than ever!


And if the music stops
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All of the sacrifice in vain
And if love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
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First thing first..

TELL THE OWH!! The reason why it is so important to tell the OWH is because you are saving him for long hardships down the road where he could have easily taken care of it in the beginning.

Imagine this....you are picking up your kid you see down the road your friends house in being robbed you see the mans face. do you...

A.) call the police and have this man arrested giving all information to the police?

or

B.) sit there and leave and find out from your friend that everything was stolen??

It is the same thing!!

If you do not tell this man you are robbing him from his life full of lies. Do you honestly want that on your conscious?

The second thing you want to do is schedule a poly test for him, he'll eventually tell you the truth before you go but I suggest still going anyway wink

Sorry you are here but honestly the one thing you need to do now is to let the OWH know, and I would not believe that he'll hurt your WH if you are worried about it put a restraining order on him or something. Either way you need to tell him.

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Maritalbliss is right. Contact the OWH. I contacted the OM's wife after I caught my wife having an A with the OM. She was critical in killing the A. My wife said it was a "texting/emotional" A. The OMW worked her end and she is the one who found the proof of a PA. Even if it was only an EA, shouldn't the OWH know they are meeting outside the gym, having a relationship??

Your most important communication right now is with the OWH. He will turn her world upside down, and it's extremely likely that the affair will be dead the moment he finds out.


Last edited by Wisertoday; 01/05/11 04:03 PM.

Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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Luckily you were dealing with what seemed to be emotionally stable people, Wiser and MB.

Whats to say that lily does what you all advise, and contacts the OWH....and he goes violently off the deep end just as people have warned her about....without 100% proof of any PA happening?

Don't tell me (or lily) that she wouldn't feel some guilt about that happening--consequences of OW's actions or not.

Not saying it would....of course.

Just focus on yourself and your marriage.

Again, just my opinion.


Click to reveal.. (My Stuff)
FWH 36 EA/PA NC & D-day 12/21/10
FWW 36 EA / NC & D-day 12/8/10
Married: 12+ years
Together: 17+
Kids: x3
Working together to be better than ever!


And if the music stops
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All of the sacrifice in vain
And if love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
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Hi there and welcome, so sorry you have found your way here and in the dilema you are in...........
First of all your relationship and sickness with the pregnancy is no excuse for your husband to lose his boundaries, he made a promise to you when he married you, it didn't say until my wife gets sick...............I think you have to stop making excuses for him. My husband told me at first his affair was just emotional as well, I found out a week later that it was a full fledged PA........the two things you know for sure right now is that your husband will make decisions that don't have your best interest at heart and that he will lie to cover up what he is doing..............
Do not trust him anymore............waywards Lie and Lie to try to get out of what is really happening.........why do you believe him.......he has shown you he will lie.....
I would sit him down get the truth, then if you want to save your marriage, the two of you write a NO CONTACT letter to the OW, you expose to everyone, your family, his family the OW's family including her husband.........
Exposure kills the Affair, it's not that much fun when you have to be accountable for your wrong doing...........
If you need to do a lie detector test............
I would think long and hard about this man you are married to, if he can have an affair while you are sick and pregnant what do you think he could do down the road.............
He needs to get some IC to see what in him makes him capable of this kind of act.............
But if you chose to give him another chance to prove himself, follow the steps Dr. Harley suggests and rebuild a better marriage.........
Take care of yourself and your children, they are the most important part of all of this right now...........


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Originally Posted by Rush_2112
MB, not to hijack, but question:

Why is it lily's duty/responsibility to inform the OWH of his wife's indiscretion?

She doesn't have proof (yet) anything physical happened...just that gut feeling.

In my opinion, its not her job to expose it to that guy.

She needs to deal with her own marriage, address that, and not worry about what happens with other people's marriage--including the OW and her husband.

Just wondering what purpose it serves to "out" the other person to their spouse...other than to share some grief (not in a good way)....?

Rush, the OWH should absolutely be told! Would you not tell a victim of a horrendous crime that they had been robbed? You think it's okay to cover this up so the OW can continue on her merry way, screwing around behind his back? You think this is the only time she'll do this? How many other families will she destroy before someone steps in and tells her BH what she's doing?

He will be Lily's first line of defense in helping her make sure there is no contact between the affairees. He can also help her fill in any blanks that her WH is not filling in. They can compare notes to get at the truth of the affair. These are the two people in this situation who are most invested in getting at the truth, not hiding it.

OWH has the right to know the truth of his marital life. He has the right to know the threat against his family. He has the right to all the facts. He has the right to know what skanky behavior his wife has been up to.

The same thing happened to me. OWH filled me in on everything. Thank God! Was it devastating? Hell yes! But at least then I knew. A lot of things fell into place when I finally found out the truth of my H's odd behavior over those months. My only complaint about getting that call was that he waited so long to do it! The affair progressed from EA to PA before he could put his big boy pants on and actually expose!

And yes, Lily needs to call him. All parties need to know that everyone knows.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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