I think so.

Even if your marriage is not recoverable, if you leave and renew your relationship with OM (even after a D), it will likely leave your BH to feel like the affair is continuing. It will cause him a great deal of pain and you will never have him as a 'friend.'
My XWH said once, after the D, "I'm not cheating on you now" since he was dating POSOW and we were not married. Guess what - still hurt like H*LL and has made it that much harder for me to heal.
This is why Plan B is for the BS.

My question is what are you doing to recover yourself? Personal recovery after such selfish and cruel behavior should be top priority if you want to be a partner to ANYONE.

If all you have posted is true, Athena, and you are simply no longer attracted to your husband and no longer in love with him, then do him and your children a favor and move out and file for divorce. That way, he will have a chance to find a woman who does love him and desire him and your children will not be exposed to the tension and coldness of a sham marriage.

Otherwise, you are simply continuing to sit on the fence and use your husband for what he does do for you - I'm assuming those are financial support and domestic support and some amount of recreational companionship - while looking elsewhere for the rest of it.

It's not fair to him and it's not fair to your children. If you no longer love him, then get out of his way and go make your own life with someone you do care about - and let him do the same.

Withdrawl is going to take more than 6 weeks for a VLTA like this. I would get rid of anything you can that triggers memories of the OM - that brand/scent of lotion? Throw it out and never buy it again. Any clothes that you and he bought together? Donate them and go buy new ones with your H. Any music CD's, gifts or other trinkets that OM bought for you go in the trash.

That's good to know. I was starting to wonder if something else were going on. I guess since it wasn't just a ONS, that I have a lot more to get over and it may take a while. We were friends for so long and there are so many reminders of that relationship. I recently found a gift OMW gave me at my wedding shower. I felt like such crap. Partly because she and I used to be friends and partly because I missed OM. I am a packrat and see sentimental value in the silliest things ... I think that may need to change as it is making the withdrawal so much harder now.

Athena,

An interesting comment coming from someone who sees no value in her H other than what she can get from him without providing something for him.

Athena, this is going to be very very harsh, but it is time to call a spade a spade. You are a poor mother, a poor W, and a poor human being because you WANT TO BE POOR AT ALL OF THOSE THINGS. It is not genetic, it is not some deep failure in you, it is simply what you want in your life and thus you have succeeded.

YOU self-destructively had an affair with your close friend's H, you don't run your house like you claim it should be run, and you don't love your H because you simply don't want to.

I have no clue what you get out of doing things the way you want to do them, but make no mistake you find it to your advantage to lead your life this way, rather than how you claim you want to lead it.

My guess is your depressed and you get a "high" from your failures and the drama in your life. I also think that you don't divorce your H because you KNOW that OM will not find it attractive how you run your household and family. He won't appreciate you not getting the kids to bed, you being unavailable to him, you whining all of the time.

I feel like the retired DI playing a counselor in the TV add, and I feel like throwing the box of cleanex at you as well.

Woman, if you want a good life, if you want a good family, if you want to love your H, YOU NEED TO GET OFF OF DEAD CENTER and start setting some goals, and then making plans to reach them.

Our advice or anyone else's advice is a waste of time until such time as you try to actually achieve something in your life. If I were running your life the following would happen within a few weeks.

1. YOu would be at a Dr. office getting a full work up to see if there is physical reason for your behavior and thinking. At the very least you would be getting some Meds to address the depression.

2. You would be sitting down and writing up some goals for your life, what you want, who you want to be, what characteristics in humans do you admire and want to immulate, etc.

3. You would then designing plans to achieve those goals, and if you have decided you want your H in your life he would be helping you with these plans.

And then the real work would begin.

You have no goals, you have no plans, thus no advice will actually help you. It really is that simple Athena99.

Ok, sermon is over.

I do hope you think about this and really really seek some medical evaluations and advice.

God Bless,

JL

@athena99 -

You are still wrapped up in the Fog.

Your entire post to me screams out about how you are not being open and honest with your BS.

You start off telling us that you've been placating your BS, "being nice".

Then we start hearing how you are addicted to OM.

Then you tell us how hard it is for you to show affection to your BS.

And finally:


@athena99 -

Your A was not special! You did not become enlightened because of the A. Those needs that you spoke of were always there. They didn't change.

If you are honest with yourself, you know that for 10 years you have been letting OM meet those needs. And in order for that to happen you have been lying and cheating to your BS. You never were open and honest about those needs. You never let BS meet them. How do you know that you "don't fit anymore"? You've never let your BS meet them. Why don't you be honest with your BS about your needs.

I can't believe that the only needs of your BS are Affection and Sexual Fulfillment. What other top ENs of your BS are you meeting?

I know you are right. I made these choices, no one else. I just feel sometimes like I am trying to make the right choices and do the right things, but they are never enough or often don't go the way I expected. I did make a mistake in having an A - I should have made a better decision. I have had inappropriate boundaries with males since I was a teenager and I see now that it hasn't changed. I have never respected any relationship I've been in - I have usually had urges to or actually followed through on cheating.


Already on 'em. They help a lot. I doubled my dosage after D-Day as I felt even more anxiety.


That's the kicker. I have a decent H, yet I feel all alone and unhappy. I would rather be really alone than have a daily reminder that I don't have (and maybe don't even want) a satisfying relationship with him.

Athena,

You have not addressed what you get from your behavior and thinking. Clearly the affairs, the lack of boundaries, the lack of goals, etc. give you something that is more important than your children, your H, and even your friends. You will cheat them all to gain...what? What have you gained with your choices?

JL

The honesty feels horrific - how many times can I say the same painful things and not get anywhere with it.



You are right, I am not working very hard to meet his other needs. We haven't gone over the list, but I'll bet Admiration and Recreational Companionship are in the top 4 along with Affection and SF. It just makes me uncomfortable to do anything for him because I am afraid to get too close and trigger anything sexual.

This is what I think you should do....

1.) trash everything that reminds you of OM even if its a brides maid dress his mom made (happened to my sis, she trashed it)

2.) Tell your husband what you are feeling and thinking every night, no more secrets! He needs to know how you really feel so when you do leave he wont be like "what the h*ll? I thought everything was good"

3.) Do the questionnaire with him every month to update it frequently.

4.) Keep meeting his needs

5.) Let HIM MEET YOUR NEEDS!

6.) Start appreciating your H

7.) Start respecting your H and your family

8.) STOP THINKING ABOUT OM!!!!!!!!! When you start thinking of him immediately think of your H, a memory that made you happy, or think of something nice that your H did for you.

I suggest you do this for 6 months if you are still feeling this way then file for a divorce but if you are truly doing number 2 then it will not be a big shock to your H that you left, he will understand, but it will still hurt.

Just an FYI you will never feel happy if you think divorce is the answer I know someone that divorced her husband because she didn't love him anymore and wanna know what I see?

Always broke
can't afford bills
going to one man to the next
doesn't take care of herself
Keeps changing her mind of what she wants to do in her life
has gone through 3 jobs
Always seems sad when I talk to her

Good luck.

AND NO MORE EXCUSES!!

Athena,

I am not a psych type, but I am a problem solver and I do have a nodding acquaintance with human behavior. Actually, much more than a nodding acquaintance.

Let me explain something to you. There many ways to express the complex behavior or human beings, but there is one simple way to express it. Not love, but fear and greed.

So let's take this rather streamlined way of addressing human behavior and look at what you just said. Got any idea why you feel this way? I sure do.

For 10 years you had an emotional affair with OM, and for 10 years you needed to hide it from your H. You know that SF specifically is a way to emotionally bond especially for men. You feared being discovered, and thus you had to hide your feelings and emotional attachment. How to do this? Simple you avoid being attached emotionally to your H, thus you could hide your affair. You feared discovery and you wanted your affair with OM, although you KNEW/KNOW it was wrong.

How to do this? Simple really, your mind developed a "sexual aversion" to your H. Sexual aversion can be dealt with, in fact Harley has at least one article on it. But, the reality is you don't want to address this aversion. Fear and Greed dear lady, you respond to it just as everyone else does and your H and your children are paying for it.

I repeat what are your goals in life?

JL

Then you need to be open and honest with your BS about this, instead of avoiding Conflict.

The questions are:

Do you want to have SF with OM, that is why you don't want SF with BS?

-Or-

Do you want your ENs for affection met without the requisite meeting of BS need for SF?

Either way this is your Taker. When are you going to let your Giver be in charge? Do you also see how either question is making a judgment on your BS? You really need to be POJAing this. OBTW, if you POJA this, you will be meeting one of the 4 Initimate Needs (Conversation).

It is okay to have conflict. Have you studied the Three States of Marriage? The only way you can get from Withdrawal to Intimacy is through Conflict. Is your Giver in charge of saving your marriage or is your Taker?

Maybe this is a lifelong mid-life crisis.

I like the excitement of something new. Though with OM, it was a long friendship and a physical/emotional passion that was still going strong after 2+ years. I didn't feel a need to stray when i was with him (though that is unfair to say because we were never in a "real" relationship). But I thought about that a lot - how horrible it would be to do something like that to him - partly because I knew how it would hurt him and how he would react (yes, I see how sick that must sound). He was very good at communicating his thoughts and feelings and I was also good at communicating mine with him.

BH and I are not that good at communicating and I sometimes wonder if he will ever show any passion for me at all. Not that I was testing him by having an A, but I guess I didn't think he'd care too much even if he did find out. I'd have my fun and he would probably never know - no harm done. I was quite naive - I never thought I would develop a deeper emotional connection to OM or that it would affect what I had left with BH.

I think a lot of it does boil down to SF and Attractive Spouse. That sounds so shallow, but they are very important to me. I know what turns me on and what I find sexy. BH doesn't do it for me. Just the other day I was enjoying having very inappropriate thoughts about a man in my son's karate class.

BH and I have kids, so obviously we've had sex before, but since OM, I am used to something else, something more satisfying to me. And since SF is really important to me, if it isn't working, I feel apathetic about the rest.

SF was very satisfying with OM. Not so much with BH. I enjoy SF and don't want to go without it either, I'm just not that attracted to BH.



I completely agree. I am in the State of Withdrawal right now and totally avoiding Conflict (not telling BH what I am thinking/feeling). I need to investigate the Giver part more.

@athena99 -


OPEN AND HONEST with your BS

Uhhh... When is this going to happen? Why do you keep judging your BS?

@athena99 -

I get it. Duh. Your BS is a total passive weenie. He hasn't stood up and kicked your azz to the curb. Your BS has no balls. LOL! athena99, you think your BS is a spineless idiot who couldn't give two [censored] mushrooms that you had an affair. What part did you play in emasculating your BS? Lying and cheating.

Oh, but if you had a "real" relationship with OM and you had done this to him, he would be all wild azzed crazy fighting to save this relationship.

Puhleez, you and OM didn't communicate. He said the things that made you feel good so he could get his. Where is this OM fighting for your "relationship". He used you! Very attractive, you were nothing to him. Just something to use for his own selfish needs.

No it is not. This is you not being open and honest with your BS. This is you being a lying cheating wayward to get her needs met.

How is it judging? I don't understand.

I know I am treading into deeper, foggy water here, but I will be honest with you all. I believe that OM understood and respected my desire to try and fix my marriage. We had talked about it for a very long time (should we leave or should we stay) and when I finally made a decision, I believe he stepped back to give me that chance.

I hope you will be able to look back someday at how truly pathetic your words are. You're still making your reprehensible, adulteress affair out to be some sort of magical love story.

It was not a real relationship, athena. It was ALL based on lies and deception. A total fantasy land.

But alas, there's really no getting through to you right now. You still have a completely skewed view of reality. Your thinking isn't right.

I hope you can snap out of it eventually and see the truth. But sadly, I see you spinning your wheels and winding up in the exact same place in six months.

Following your heeeeartttt. Isn't that sweet? And so, so special?

I promise it will only get you exactly where you are right now.