Hi,

I was married approximately 19 months ago and found out four months into the marriage that my new husband had had a very extensive affair with a former girlfriend, who is also the mother of his oldest child, while we were dating. The affair resulted in a child they ultimately aborted. Had I been aware of this affair, I would have never married him.

After finding out about the affair we have been working to save this marriage, but he just cannot seem to stop hurting me. I take two steps forward and then about 14 giant steps backwards because he is constantly pushing the envelope. Most are minor offenses regarding new behaviors to allow this marriage to survive, but the most recent offense was being caught veiwing porn. He told me he had been doing it fo over three months about once a week and it started because "he misses my affection and our sexual relationship. I by no means have deprived him, but it is very difficult for me because I am so deeply hurt. There are many gross details to the story above, but for the sake of space I am leaving them out.

I am at the end of my rope because he promises to never scar the relationship again, but keeps getting caught. This last little offense has put me over the edge. It may not seem like much, but I am a child of a father who was addicted to porn and has left me with many wounds and I have explained this to my husband. I also confronted him on this same issue of viewing porn four years ago and he stopped until now.

Does anyone have any advice regarding what I should do.

Thanks,
K!

I am sorry you are here but it does not sound like your husband wants to fix this marriage it does how ever sound like he wants to gas-light you and put it under the rug so when it is forgotten and after having two babies he will go and do it again.

My recomendation is file you are still young do you honestly want a lifetime of pain?

Do you want to save this marriage? If so then your husband has to do a 180 actions speaks louder then words.

Have you exposed the affair? If not that will be your first step. Your husband does not sound remorseful.

There will be more advice coming so hold on

yes the affair has been exposed, the woman he cheated with has apologized to me, her husband just found out about the affair, and my husband's ex-wife also knows. The affair is no secret.

I would recomend reading everything on this site, but I still think you are both still young and to file if he won't change, you can not just let this sit under the rug people who do that finds out the hard way with two babies and an STD.

With only 19 months invested in your M, it's not too late to correct that mistake. How old are you both? Any kids involved?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2348210&page=2

KQ2, can you tell me what has happened in the last 8 MONTHS, other than your WH is still absolutely wayward.

I believe that people would still advise you to go to Plan D immediately. You haven't posted in 8 months and you are asking for some advice. What are you going to do when the advice is the same?

I am 45 and he is 36. He has two children from an ex-wife and the high school sweet heart.

And how long will you tolerate his mess? Are you willing to live with all of his lies and infedelity. If so then by all means stay with him if not....

Then go to plan D

Good luck and sorry u r in this mess

Someone asked what has happened in the last 8 months since I posted on here. I'm hardly sure. I am in a constant state of stress because of WH and his crazy ex-wife. (A quick disclaimer: WH is not contacting "crazy;" we have to deal with her bc of his daughter.) I think we have both tried to move forward. But I am VERY stuck because I have no trust in him, especially now-and he claims he is being spiritually attacked and that he really didn't want to look at the porn-and no respect. We've gone on vacation together, participated in sports together, and tried to spend quality time at home together. Some things are very good, but others suck because everything always comes back to the past, how I'm feeling, and my inability to seemingly be able to move past this. He claims he will wait, but then always tells me I want a divorce and he feels so hopeless and he can't stand it. Often I feel he is the one who really wants the divorce because he's always telling me that's what I want. My mind is often just boggled by his inpatients towards my healing.

The honest answer to do I want a divorce...some days, because I feel like I am always going to harbour this anger and hatred towards him for leading me down such a long path of deception. But the other part of me does not want to start over! I've started my life over so many times because I have moved somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 times. It is heartbreaking to be in this situation since I spent so many years alone trying to be careful, making sure I was emotionally healthy for another relationship, and only accepting what I thought was God's best for my life.

So after a long discussion, not much has happened in the last eight months, only continued struggles to survive and forgive. I know it is also no unbiblical for me to divorce him d/t his adultery. I think I'm just so afraid of being alone again. I've spent a great deal of my life alone.

Thanks for listening whoever reads this.