I cannot deny that. But how can I restore his masculinity?

By no longer allowing three people in your marriage.

The A is over, but I am still in withdrawal, so does that still count as the 3rd person? Aside from trying to put OM out of my thoughts, what else can I do?

Perhaps after helping him heal, you say you will not remain in a marriage with someone who is not a man there for you and willing to stand up for himself.

But right now, he's likely very much emotionally injured if not comatose.

As mentioned multiple times here-- be open and honest with your BS. Tell him what you are thinking and feeling. That is what he signed up for.

You don't see the judgment here?
OM does it for me. BS doesn't. Since you've not communicated your needs to BS he still doesn't meet it.

This is called Contrast Effect. You are comparing OM to your BS. As @JL stated you've had to create a dissonance from reality. You've purposely created an aversion to your BS meeting your needs. Otherwise, why would you need to have an affair if your BS could meet your needs.

Yes.

I know it's over. I've been reading and responding to your thread from the beginning.

But you're still fantasizing (and it is only that ... a fantasy) about the OM constantly.


That is exactly what you need to do.

But tell us, what steps have you taken to remove OM from your thoughts?

What other possibilities could there have been?

List them!

I'm sure he did. After all, he has already proven he can bed you while you are married... he's not threatened by you "improving" your marriage... you'd probably still answer that 3AM drunken phone call.

Sounds like a swell guy.

The OM in my situation did the same; "I'm happy for you."



Why? Because they don't want all of you just what you decided to give so easily and freely.

Athena, it sounds like things are going GREAT and I thank you checking in with us!! I wondered how you were doing and it sounds like things are going along just as expected. When withdrawing from anything, of course it does not come overnight. It comes in a matter of MONTHS. And you are still high off your last drunk. But hang in there and your feelings will follow. It takes anywhere from 3 to 10 months to withdraw and for your feelings to start coming back for your H.

A couple of things stand out to me. The first is the amount of undivided attention time you spend together. It takes 15 hours per week to MAINTAIN and 25-30 to CREATE. So your current 15 hours a week is not going to CUT IT. And as Dr Harley says, THIS PROGRAM DOES NOT WORK WITHOUT THAT!!

And lastly, STOP talking about and writing about that POSOM. He is a piece of dogcrap who treated you like trash. While you don't realize that now [you will, I promise!!] you will in the future. And talking and writing about him just keeps the stinky memory ALIVE. Don't give life to that thought.

Keep up the good work!!

Athena,

You gave OM 10 YEARS of your undivided emotional attention, and you then say your H never did it for you. How could he? He never had a chance. You have lied, cheated, and fornicated for 10 years and now you miss it. I would guess it was in fact the lying, the cheating, that made everything so exciting.

I mean rearing children can be so BORING, and working with H on bills, the house, the kids, can be sooooo BORING.

You are in withdrawal, but your assumptions about your H are very likely VERY VERY wrong. He was just never given a chance, and you are not giving him a chance now either. YOu have dismissed him, and what he has gone through as just a sign of weakness and failure on his part. The person that failed was you and as long as you function with no goals, no plan, you will continue to fail.

Mel is being very charitable with you, listen to her.

God Bless,

JL

Nope, he dumped your a*s like a hot potato when his wife found out. The notion that he "respects" you in any way was proven false by his disrespectful actions. A married man is not going to give up his own wife for an easy piece of [censored]. Sorry to be harsh, but you need to hear how sane people view your silly comments.

And I am on your side so I would be remiss if I didn't point out how silly these comments are. He dumped you, my friend.

WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!! A man who does a married woman does not love her or "respect" her or he wouldn't be doing her!!

Athena, I am sorry to laugh, but you can't seriously imagine that a man who climbs into the pig pen and ruts with a marriage woman "respect[s] her desire to fix her marriage."

C'mon, you have to have realized how ludicrous that was when you typed it out, right? I actually spewed my coffee when I read that, hon...

you spoke too soon, JL, I couldn't help myself!!!

p.s. great posts!!

Nah Mel,

You are being charitable to her and that is a good thing.

I am having a hard time with this because I know what she is saying and has been telling herself for 10 years is a self-fulfilling process that rationalized her doing this to her marriage for a decade. It frustrates me because underneath I think there is likely a good woman but she has sacrificed everything for this guy who as you pointed out, stopped as soon as his W found out. Well Duh! he was going to lose too much.

Athena, doesn't seem to want to acknowledge how much she has given away and will lose when this marriage ends. It is a sad thing.

JL

Athena,

Have you destroyed any and all mementos of the OM?

I mean, ANY AND ALL, period.

Pictures, notes, messages, outfits you wore with him, things he bought you, EVERYTHING.

It ALL HAS TO GO.

Anything you keep around that is a reminder of the OM HAS TO GO.


If you had sex in your car, YOU HAVE TO SELL YOUR CAR.

Whatever perfume you have been wearing while spending the last 10 years with OM, MUST NEVER BE WORN AGAIN.

Hopefully your H and him do not wear the same cologne.

You need to destroy all memory triggers possible.

Not only that, any friends involved in your adulterous behavior MUST NO LONGER BE ASSOCIATED WITH.

You are building a new better you, and remnants of that old life must be banished.

Hi Athena - sounds like things are moving along normally! I think you're being very honest with us and are still de-fogging. That's normal and will take awhile. So far so good!

HHH is right - unload everything that triggers you to think about OM. Get rid of the car if you have to.

I apologize if I missed this, but I assume you're still at the same job? Where did OM go?

Athena (and the rest)

I can sort of understand where you are. Perhaps I am imposing my own situation a bit but I think I hear you asking how does a WS be honest about such painful things after she has already ripped her husband's heart out.

I don't know how your BH is responding when you do try to tell him something but mine goes between telling me I have a lot of nerve given what I've done and withdrawing entirely.

I am not even talking about such intimate stuff as SF. For instance, just today I nicely let him know how I feel. He is away on a work trip that I'm not certain is entirely necessary; however, I did agree to him going. We have had a family crisis while he is gone which I am dealing with but it has me stressed. Last night he stated he was in a meeting until well after 10. This morning he did not call me until after 8:00. This is promblematic because the building I work in is a dead zone for cell phones and I can't call out long distance from a landline. He KNOWS this but couldn't make the effort to call a few minutes earlier when I was driving to work or what not. A DJ on my part would be to say he doesn't want to deal with the problem so he deliberately waited. I did not say that too him but since I was so hurt I did say that I would love it if he could get himself up a couple minutes earlier to call me before work. He abruptly ended the conversation and then texted to say "have a good day and I love you."

I don't know where to go with this.

I can't even imagine telling him something I want or need in the bedroom.

My affair wasn't long term so it isn't exactly the same. I do agree it stopped me from addressing things with my H. In fact, we got a long great since I had no complaints about my needs.

Now, I am trying to be open and honest. He is hurt and angry. If your H isn't willing to address the elephant in the room, it does make it a lot harder.

I admire you for coming here and opening yourself up to 2X4's. I am hoping someone can give you some concrete advice rather than "stop thinking about OM".

I agree with JL that fear is a motivator. I am fearful of breaking up my family. I do not want OM...I'm not certain I am fit for anyone.

Good luck to you.

I know I'll get a 2x4 for this, but I just want to point out that after his W found out, OM and I continued seeing each other for another month, we just went further underground. It wasn't until I started thinking about the advice from my counsellor and coming on here that I told the truth to BH and went NC with OM. He tried to contact me, but I refused to answer.

I don't know why I feel the need to defend him. Probably the fog. But that makes it harder. He didn't do anything in the end to make me mad or hurt me so it was just me walking away from him.

SD, she was given very concrete advice from those who are in recovered marriages. Did you read the posts? You might learn something yourself and have a great marriage too.

Do you really believe he would leave his wife and family for you, Athena? Really? Because if that were true, wouldn't he have done that? Wouldn't he have done that in all these years? The truth is that he didn't - and wouldn't. What he wanted was some cheap nookie on the side. That is all. He wanted to keep his nookie supply opened.

Sure, he tried to get in touch with you. He wanted to keep his set up. Who wouldn't. But that does not mean he valued you. If he valued you, he would not have had an affair with you and used you in this manner.

The fog will wear off, Athena, and you will be astonished at this thread some day.