M/L -

The cost/benefit (or risk/reward) equation here is unclear to me.

I can see the benefit and reward to the WW and WWH's marriage to having the truth before both of them if their marriage is going to survive. But the cost and risk are such that would be expected to be borne by the OM?

I can't imagine how HTLD's friend is going to do that - safely. If he is going to approach the BH (who he is not revealed as knowing personally) with this news, how would you and the MB program suggest that to be done? E-mail? Phone? Written mail? In person (surrounded by large, armed, body guards)?

Having been, once upon a time, a trusting, ignorant, spouse, I'm trying to project my reaction on being told by a complete stranger, "Nice to meet you NG. Your wife has told me so much about you, including how she's dissatisfied with you, and how you can't ring her bells the way I have been." (Okay, a bit over-the-top, but on hearing "wife - me - PA" from another man, it really wouldn't have been matters of sentence construction which ruled my response.)

If HTLD is going to advise his friend about WHAT to do, part of that advice should include HOW to do it. Possibly benefiting another couple's marriage in the long term will be tempered with protecting one's own self in the short-term, at least in folks with no more than the usual amount of altruism. And please don't cop out by reverting to "Well, if he engaged in a PA with a still-married woman, he should be willing to accept the risk......." Obviously, he WAS at least somewhat lacking in optimal high-principle orientation to start this process, so declaring that he must be highly principled in facing up to a justifiably enraged BH, when he might choose not to, is erroneous.

And remember, HE'S not married; he has never heard of MB principles and ideals, so the gains of O&H have no play. Having none, he will not be concerned in building a better marriage.

Seriously, enlighten me. What arguments does HTLD use in convincing his friend that it is in his interest to self-reveal, and what methods have been shown to be most effective in this difficult task?