A very good childhood friend of mine started dating a woman who told him she was divorcing and was separated from her H.

He really liked her, but he started to figure out that she wasn't divorcing like she claimed she was and wasn't separated and he broke it off.

He put the pieces together over the months and finally ended it after he figured it out.

This is a very good friend of mine from gradeschool. I told him about MB and I told him that the WW's H had a right to know.

He's chewing on this. He's thinking about telling him.

I've encouraged him to do it and told him that he and I would want to know in that man's shoes.

I told him he had a right to know in order to save his marriage and that the poor guy probably didn't have a clue and had spent the last few months wondering why his wife was acting all crazy.

I haven't heard back from him.

I hope he does the right thing.

My experience tells me that your friend should just leave matters as they are. For all he knows, the husband and wife have fixed their marriage issues and he may be doing both of them a dis-service by confessing. I would tell him to let it go and move on with his life.

Dhcares,

Obviously, you have not read much on this site before you posted your very first post. Exactly, what is your experience in this area? Are you a marriage counselor? Have lots of friends in affairs? Been in one yourself? How is telling someone the truth about a very important aspect of their life ever a dis-service to them?


AM

Let your friend know that if he hasn't said anything by the end of the week that you will tell the BH the truth. Hes a friend and I think he did the right thing by breaking it off, but the wrong thing by dataing someone who says they are seperated.

Seperation is not the same as divorced.

Ive told everyone here at work, and all my friends, that if they ever cheat on their wives I will let their wives know without hesitation. Some were taken aback by what I said, but I emphasized that I do not want any one to go through what I went through.

Not telling BH will just drag out his marriage where it is, and I doubt they fixed anything, and I doubt that he knows what is going on. There is only one way to know for sure, and that is by letting him know. After he knows he can do whatever he wants with the information.

Right like telling someone their spouse is cheating will break up a marriage. Its the affair that breaks up the marriage. Not the information.

Please ignore this poster's advice.

Obviously, the BH has a right to know and your friend should do the right thing in telling him the story.

Affairs that are "buried" and go undetected undoubtedly encourage WSs to repeat the behavior down the road.

HTLD,

Encourage your friend to make his confession to the OWH, marital problems don't get better through avoidance, I wish OM had done me that favor some 20 odd years ago instead of allowing me to go on that long with a marginalized marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

Rings a few bells does it? This is a very wayward outlook. First post too......

huh? That would be irresponsible. It would most certainly be a service to both of them. For the husband, he needs to know if he intends on staying with his wife, and he also needs to know if he is getting a divorce. This is information about his life about which he has a right and need to know.

M/L -

The cost/benefit (or risk/reward) equation here is unclear to me.

I can see the benefit and reward to the WW and WWH's marriage to having the truth before both of them if their marriage is going to survive. But the cost and risk are such that would be expected to be borne by the OM?

I can't imagine how HTLD's friend is going to do that - safely. If he is going to approach the BH (who he is not revealed as knowing personally) with this news, how would you and the MB program suggest that to be done? E-mail? Phone? Written mail? In person (surrounded by large, armed, body guards)?

Having been, once upon a time, a trusting, ignorant, spouse, I'm trying to project my reaction on being told by a complete stranger, "Nice to meet you NG. Your wife has told me so much about you, including how she's dissatisfied with you, and how you can't ring her bells the way I have been." (Okay, a bit over-the-top, but on hearing "wife - me - PA" from another man, it really wouldn't have been matters of sentence construction which ruled my response.)

If HTLD is going to advise his friend about WHAT to do, part of that advice should include HOW to do it. Possibly benefiting another couple's marriage in the long term will be tempered with protecting one's own self in the short-term, at least in folks with no more than the usual amount of altruism. And please don't cop out by reverting to "Well, if he engaged in a PA with a still-married woman, he should be willing to accept the risk......." Obviously, he WAS at least somewhat lacking in optimal high-principle orientation to start this process, so declaring that he must be highly principled in facing up to a justifiably enraged BH, when he might choose not to, is erroneous.

And remember, HE'S not married; he has never heard of MB principles and ideals, so the gains of O&H have no play. Having none, he will not be concerned in building a better marriage.

Seriously, enlighten me. What arguments does HTLD use in convincing his friend that it is in his interest to self-reveal, and what methods have been shown to be most effective in this difficult task?

I am not clear what you think Marriage Builders principles has to do with this. One does not have to be on Marriage Builders to discern right from wrong. This man unknowingly dated a married woman and harmed another married man. If I hit someone's car in the parking lot I don't have to be a member of Marriage Builders to know that I should inform the owner and offer to make restitution.

As far as your other questions, my interest is in the principle of telling this woman's husband, not in deciding the exact words to use. You can help HFLD in that area yourself if that interests you.

...and belatedly realizing his transgression, ended the relationship. Yep, he knows RIGHT from WRONG, at least now he does.

Dinging the fender is okay, as an example, but ultimately falls short in that simple $$$$$ would take care of the husband's injury in that matter. I don't think having a surprise OM informing me of my wife's betrayal and at the same time offering financial restitution would go much toward soothing my outrage.

I'm looking for the MB principle that compels an unmarried OM to invest his interest in building his former AP's marriage.

I don't know how I'd advise any friend to do this - that's why I asked you. This site is extraordinarily thorough in that the principles within are backed up by serious, straightforward steps and actions to achieve those goals. If the principle is that OM must inform BH, then I'm requesting guidance as to how to do that with the least possible damage. And that damage might not be limited to the OM's nose, but might extend to the already-weakened marriage between BH and OM's former AP.

I told him what to do. The ball is in his court. I don't know the OW or the BH and really have no way of finding out who they are since I live in MD and he lives in MO.

My gut tells me he'll do so. I know him well enough that he likely will.

I too have warned friends and family that if they cheat on their spouses that I would tell their spouses.

I had a very good friend of mine who disappointed me by flirting with a niece of mine (my marriage, not blood....not that it matters).

I only heard about it 3rd hand.

It's very disappointing. I don't understand why so many people who are married have such poor boundaries.

I remember being deployed and being told by peers, "Dude! Check her out!"

I wouldn't look and I explained why.

I was disappointed to see them "just look". I think it's human to notice. It's even human to look. But pointing such to others crosses the line for me.

Funny that while I was going out of my way to stay away from someone I found attractive, and enforcing my boundaries my WXW was trolling for guys she didn't know on the internet and going on dates with them.

Go figure.

Would you be in a position to find out if he does inform, how he did so, and the result?

I'm sure we'll talk again. I might call him today on my way home from work.

He was my best friend back in 7th grade and we lost touch over the years. We reconnected via facebook.

He told me about this woman when he visited this area months ago.

He told me she was divorcing. That�s what he thought at the time.

My ex told men she met the same thing. She told the guy she hooked up with that papers were filed and the process was rolling.

I was oblivious to this and deployed at the time. I was pretty happy to be coming home and got slammed with �I want a D� the day I got home.

I found out through snooping that she talked to the guys online and I got a hold of the one I knew she went on a date with. He told me everything and was very apologetic.

I told my friend of my experience and told him that wayward women lie. I told him that the poor husband probably had no clue.

I don�t know if he�s told the BH or not. My gut says he just wants to walk away and have nothing to do with her anymore.

I am not aware of any such MB principle or even why that would even be relevant.


I disagree that honesty would be "damaging;" that is irrational. Honesty is therapeutic. It is adultery and lies that are damaging. Would you not tell someone that his bookkeeper was embezzling his money because that news "might cause damage?" It is not the news that is damaging but the theft.

Honesty would HELP the "already weakened marriage" not hamper it.

The OM has no control over the reaction of the OWH but that should not guide his decision to do the right thing.

I told him the poor guy probably had no clue.

He feels pretty bad about it all. He wasn't resistant to the idea of exposing.

If i had a OM come to me and tell me that he went out with my WW and that she had told him we were separated and divorcing, I'd have a hard time holding that against him. I'd thank him for his honesty and then ask him if he'd be willing to testify on my behalf at the divorce or custody hearing.

AGree. And this was exactly my reaction to my H's OW. My H had told her we were "separated" and had filed for divorce. She believed him. I did not hold it against her. She gave me the complete low down about their affair.

Hi NeverGuessed,

I would just like to offer my opinion, for what it is worth. I have no doubt that MB does not directly address an OM's or OW's responsibility in informing the betrayed spouse simply due to this being a marriage building practice, and the focus is on the two spouses and the marriage, not on an intruder.

That being said, I feel this OM has a moral obligation to inform the BH and to ask forgiveness from both spouses for the probable damage he has caused.

Best wishes,

Tom

I forgot to add in my last post that I feel good about HTLD urging his friend to fess up. That doesn't seem to happen that much today!

Tom