I feel like most of your very short "marriage" was spent in having affairs and disrespecting one another.

This tells me that you do not really know the meaning of marriage. Or how to have a marriage. Or how to communicate in marriage or be happy in a marriage.

I do realize that you have a compulsive need for a man, any man, especially this man to approve of you, accept you, and like you.

But to me, this seems like a selfish need based on your own neediness which has nothing or very little to do with romantic love. In other words, if you are still so emotionally infantlike or insecure, or have low self worth that you NEED a man to approve you or you won't feel good about yourself, then you will not be able to ever have a happy marriage even if you want one as we all do!.

What makes you think you are ready for marriage in any way?

The more you fret about this husband rejecting you, finding another woman, and dumping you, the more this tells me that you are indeed not ready for any relatinship with a man, especially a marriage. The sad part is that if you are not ready for marriage, then nothing you can do to get this man back will "work" or "succeed". You can learn the meaning of marriage and so can your husband. I just am not sure if you two can (or both of you want to) learn it together and in a few short months.

*I think you need some marital training before you venture back out there dating or getting back with this man (if that is possible).

If I dated a man and we both had affairs in the first few years I would realize that I was not cut out for relationships at that time and needed to get some self esteem and stay away from men. Also I would realize that I was not ready to settle down and rather, needed to meet many people and sow more wild oats.

There are many stages in life we need to all go thru:

You, Harmony seem to be at this stage to me:

1. The sowing wild oats stage where you date different people
2. The "attracting men" "flirting wtih men" and "getting men's attention" stage.
3. The dating stage where you meet new men, date, and have sex with them
4. The "learning about yourself" stage where you discover who you are.
5. The "emotional maturity stage" where you hammer out how you want your life to be and find out how to get there.

If I were you, I would refuse to sell myself short here. Fully explore and get through EACH AND ALL of these stages in your life. With the help of a counselor if you want support. Do not try and jump these "maturing" stages and jump back into a relatinship with this husband or another man.

Why do you not yet realize this fact that you are not and have not been ready for marriage??? What does marriage mean to you? (It did not mean very much given you had a long term affair)

Do you really still believe you are ready for marriage at this time?

The questions I would ask myself if I were you are this:

1. Am I really ready for marriage now?
2. What does marriage mean to me?
3. Can I learn to observe men and recognize red flags rather than jumping into relationships?
4. Can I hold off leaping into relationships with men and start getting some self esteem?
5. Is my husband a suitable marriage partner for me right now?
6. Am I a suitable marriage partner for this husband right now?
7. Are we compatable and both ready for a committed marriage right now or in the near future?
8. Why do I want a man around so badly?
9. What is it I need from a man?
10. Why am I so confused, afraid, insecure, and uncertain?

Ask yourself these and write out your answers in a notebook where you can track your progress.

Your progress in life should address these areas.

You need to progress in:

1. Developing morals/values for yourself
2. Hammering out areas where you are not yet mature
3. Figuring out what things you like and dislike
4. Seeing the talents and qualities you possess
5. Exploring your relationships with men and observing the problems
5. Figuring out where you are weak in self esteem
6. Bolstering and strengthening your self esteem
7. Finding out why you are so needy
8. Figuring out what marriage means to you compared to "dating a man".
9. Discovering how to judge a situation wisely and observe and judge a man wisely.
10. Learning to see people as they really are rather than "how you want them to be" or "how you think they should be or should behave".
11. Learning how to keep immature, toxic or abusive men and women out of your life.

If your foundations for marriage are not there or not developed, then your questions about this husband are moot and will mean nothing in the larger scheme of things since you will not be mature enough or ready for marriage enough...to carry out a marriage even if he does choose to come back.

These things will mean nothing if you are not ready for marriage and have a good self esteem without a man:

Mean nothing:

1. Whether your husband will find a better woman soon than you
2. If your husband will come back or if he won't
3. If he is still cheating on you or not
4. If you can get him back or not
5. If you should stay married or divorce
6. How you can get him back
7. If he loves you or not

None of these mean anything if you are not ready for marriage and mature enough to handle a good marriage and all that it means. You should get down to the roots of why you cheated, why you lied, why you had no morals, and why you are not mature enough not to cheat your whole marriage. And then solve these problems FIRST, before trying to rope this man, who may not be a suitable marriage partner anyway, back to you.

What I fear you have been doing, Harmony, is closing your eyes, and diving into any man near you without even thinking about it. For example, you have been eagerly flirting with other men and relaxing your boundaries around other men. You also try and attract men for attention and to make yourself feel good. These things will not help you. You husband will not help you learn to love and value yourself. Having a man around will not help your self esteem or make you feel "normal" or "better" just as having a child will not make you "normal" or "feel better about yourself" either.

You got a lot of learning, observing, and growing up to do my friend before you attempt to save this marriage or create any other relationships with men at all.

Leave it alone and get to more working on yourself and learning. You can do it.

1. Am I really ready for marriage now?
Tough one. Its much harder work than I realised, its funny friends of mine are getting married and everyone is cooing over the enagagement/wedding, I get much more excited about couples who have been married a long time been with each other through thick and thin. So I amn going to be brave and say YES
..

5. Is my husband a suitable marriage partner for me right now?
NOPE.
6. Am I a suitable marriage partner for this husband right now?
NOPE...

7. Are we compatable and both ready for a committed marriage right now or in the near future?
Compatible in terms of both sharing the same dreams and activites. This is the shame part, we are both very compatible and share a lot of fondness for the same things e.g country walks, growing veggies, house renovations, interior design, architecture, travel. We shared many of the same dreams, would love to adopt a child (OK I hear y'all not ready!!) would love to move to Oz, would love to buy and renovate a chalet in the Alps. Our problem was that we were p*ss poor at communication, selfish and IB, poor understand of skills to be ina good marriage...

3. Can I learn to observe men and recognize red flags rather than jumping into relationships?
Well yes, I am more adapt at noticing the 'red flags' there is a lotta guys with a lotta red flags. Red flag examples..a) burst of anger b) talks badly of exes c) mommas boys d) Liars....need I go on....I think the actual danger for me here would benot trusting men at all.
4. Can I hold off leaping into relationships with men and start getting some self esteem?
Oh yes, this is one of the most key questions for me. I need to work on some self esteem baby. I have taken up my interior design course, I have met some really nice ladies, who seem pretty 'functional' and also getting confidence through doing something I enjoy and doing well at it. I would say I need a lot of work on my self esteem. I am miles better that I was 6 months ago, back then I took criticism very personally and lacked the confidence in my own decisions...

..Get ready for the part of the ride where you realize after he wants to work on the marriage that maybe you don't want to anymore. That is normal too. It will pass also.

I am feeling this already the more I have grown the more worried I have become that he won't....I know that might be a DJ but it is more of a fear...

I know I can do it, its just knowing how! How come I ended up needing all this work, its pretty depressing, I feel like I have had a late start of the starting line!!..

So why, as a MB community, are we bloviating about WS intentions, meanings and half- hearted actions?
Plan A;
Fog speak: "blah, blah. blah-blah blah."
Reply; "That's interesting. "Do you want a cookie? How is the weather?"
Plan B;
Fogspeak; "Blah, blah. blah-blah-blah."
Reply; nothing. nada. zero.

Because--
It is all FOG. He has not shown the change of heart required to start recovery.

..It is NOT MB (and very pointless) to pontificate on the motives of a WS. Pages here have been dedicated to second guessing Harm's WS actions. This has encouraged her to ingore MB advice and do the same.

{{{{Harmony}}}}

Harmony, I think you've done well, but I'm MB's worst Plan B'er ever, according to everyone. Keep your chin up and do keep on doing Plan B.

I have actually been doing the opposite advice to what Steve Harley has been giving me and been listening to you guys here.

Gotta agree, She is in that place of justifying her own actions, and still afraid he will return to His. Like Bubs said, it seems like a schoolgirl thing, rather than a marriage.

They both have a perfect opportunity to move on, and blame each other for how thier marraige failed, or put things back together. Maybe the lack of respect for each other is to great to overcome.

I have also seen the tendency of this type of poster to use this site and do a half-azzed plan B with only taking in what opinions and guidance that allows them to leave the marriage, ahem, "After doing all I could, boo-hoo". Its all so comfortable that way isn't it?

After much time in what I believe was a good cause in trying to help her understand things it seems my words really have been lost on her. Instead of her hearing what I say or understanding I do understand, so she would trust in Dr. H and plan A and B, she just picks what she wants and does what she feels.

Now she has gone into plan B without an IM just inviting more contact and insisting she do it her way. Its like watching a slow moving train wreck. she hasn't even responded to my questions of if she has an IM.

Sorry Harm I gotta bail on you, There are many good people here able to help you recover your marriage if you wish to, and also help you in your personal recovery. I am confidant you will be fine either way, but this site IS decicated to helping those interested in the marraige builders program.

Though understanding the past can help us build a better future, it can get in the way of making the choices needed to have one. I am still rooting for you and you WH, and hope he will find help also in repairing his life, and maybe his marriage.

I will be praying for you and looking in on your thread from time to time to see how your doing.

God Bless