A feeling that most BS have especially in the early part of discovering their WS affair is that they feel that their WS cheated because the OP was in someway better than themselves...

It took MANY painful discussions with Mrs.Flint before I understood WHY I should not feel inferior to my ex-brother with whom she had her affair...

She told me she was NEVER in love with him and NEVER considered leaving me for him...

The words she said next I will never forget and I believe the key for many to recover from their spouses infidelity...

She said, "He was there and I USED him!"

She said, "He was someone to commiserate about what a mess he and I were and we had that in common. He was available to use because he was always around!"

THE KEY WORDS ARE TO BE USED....

NOT CHOSEN BECAUSE THEY WERE BETTER...

BUT SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY WERE AVAILABLE TO BE USED.

Like a piece of Kleenex to blow your nose or a piece of toilet paper when needed.

How often do you think about toilet paper when you don't need some?

HOWEVER...

you DO make sure you keep it available by making it "IMPORTANT" by putting it on the grocery list to do much like the little things affair partners do by their little emails and cards because they WANT that toilet paper available when they want to USE IT!!!

JUST LIKE THEY WANT THEIR AFFAIR PARTNERS AVAILABLE BY KEEPING THEM AROUND BY TELLING THEM THEY "LOVE" THEM AND PUTTING OUT THEIR LITTLE EMAILS AND TEXTS TO KEEP THE TOILET PAPER COMING AROUND!!!

THEY DON'T LOVE THEIR AP ANYMORE THAN THEY DO THEIR TOILET PAPER...

It is NEVER about the OP and it really isn't about the BS.

It is about the WS and their LACK OF BOUNDARIES regarding the Marriage

AND

the AVAILABILITY OF SOMEONE TO USE FOR THEIR PURPOSE.

That is why Dr.Harley recommends not allowing someone outside the M to meet EN's and that couples do not spend their nights away from each other...

IT IS FAR TOO EASY FOR SOMEONE TO FIND SOMEONE TO USE TO MEET THOSE NEEDS...

NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE BETTER...

JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE AVAILABLE TO BE USED.

God bless.

Jim

Is it terrible that it makes me... lol?


That was the explanation I got; "He was just there."

The physicality was because he pushed, and to keep the addiction fed (conversation, admiration) she was willing to toss him a biscuit.

No love, no wanting to be together, no visions of the future - just someone else who was there. Cake-eating in the most basic essence.

It really, REALLY, isn't about the OP/AP - it's about the needs they met.

*edit*

I know I'm not threatened by trailer trash. And I apolgise to the double-widers here, even if the OM didn't violate my marriage, he's scum from scum.

In a way, I'm happy - he stood in my sunshine, but it will never benefit him, as he will always be trash.

My DH said the exact same thing about the x-other-skank. I never in a million years thought she was better than me because she really is a piece of trash. She looks terrible and she is as dumb as a doornob. When I told my DH that she cursed at me he even called her a piece of trash and got mad. He told me that he never wanted me anywhere near her because she was dirt. Of course he felt like dirt himself. He told me that I was better than him at the time and definitely better than her because they were two pigs wallowing in the mud. I think its interesting how the OP's self esteem is boosted because they think that they must be so special for the M person to risk their M for them. That thought process is so messed up that I can't even wrap my head around it. How can you feel good about yourself because someone is cheating on their spouse. It would make me feel like dirt for a MM to think that I sould stoop so low.

It's amazing how universal most of our feelings and thoughts are during this time. I had the same question with both OM1 and OM2. I beat myself up for months thinking FWW saw them as better than me in some way. I wanted to know what it was. Turns out that it was familiarity and conveinence more than anything else. She was weak, boundaries were low, they were there. End of story.

Hi

FWW here.

I cannot tell you, how much the OP is so INFERIOR to BS.

They get you to open up about your M, and then they tell you what they think you want to hear.

They watch and observe whilst you destroy your ENTIRE life, getting what they want.

They are so SELFISH in their own pursuit of pleasure, that they don't care they are destroying not just one persons life but a whole FAMILY, children, grandparents, aunties, uncles.

They assist you in demonizing your partner, to make you feel better about what your doing.

They are so wrapped up in their own EGO they cannot see how unhappy you are, being away from the person you truly love.

They are cowards, as they rarely ever face the BS.

In my case with my posxh (go figure that one out!) and the posow, she was a predatory ow (meaning she was not a first time ow, she'd done it before), but she was there one night when my then H was at a English style pub watching a football game (around the corner from our home)when she approached him.

Yea. I guess she was the one there. She paid him extra attention (she wanted OUR money and MY life) and probably was the only woman stupid enough to throw herself at a married man.

So yea, she was there. I know I am 100000000x better than she.

The posow got married last year. Broke up ANOTHER marriage, and married a guy who (accourding to reports) was extremely wayward and mean to his now bxw, is rather portly, unattractive, but loaded.

So she got half of what she wanted. MOney.

He he. She should have held out like I did for decency, love, a beautiful heart...and just incidentally my wonderful DH (honest to a fault)happens to be successful and good looking. I held out for love and for my heart to heal after my painful divorce. But I by far TRADED UP!

It's ALWAYS a trade-down for the WS. The OP is usually far inferior to the BS. Far Far far far inferior.

Tis a mystery still. When somebody's just "there" and I don't know em, whether I'm at the mall or at a sushi bar, I just leave em' "there". How that stupid and brainless "wayward reaction" ignites is beyond the realm of my thinking brain. It truly defies the laws of physics and the universe.

Peachy
I think it is great that you have come back to the boards to help. I think you have the greatest story of TRUE KARMA coming back to bite the guilty out there.
Just tell us, how do you resist the urge to rub XWH nose in your success, like a leaky puppy?
(disclaimer. I do not train puppies that way, just an expression.)
..it woud be sooooooo tempting.

What if they leave you for her? If they do not leave you for her it is kind of understood that WH never thought of her as superior to you...but when they do leave you for her then they do believe she is worth more than you are....
and then I can't help but think the same, that she might be better than I am in some way or the other.

Blessing

You are killing me. How in the world could the OW be better than you in any possible way??

Atena, okay she WAS better than you at being WHINNY and NEEDY and heck any other way that she convinced him that was the only way she would stick around. She could move on to the next mister so and so QUICK and he KNOWS that.

I believe that most WSs actually BELIEVE that the BS will still be there no matter what. WHY? Because you are more loyal, loving and an all around BETTER person. They know what to expect from you because you ARE a GREAT person.

I KNOW I am better than OW. That's enough for me.

It also serves to be reminded that the OP does not bring out the best in the WS - in fact, the very act of being with an OP degrades the WS. To lead the life that makes the A possible further degrades the WS.

So, in conjunction; not only is the OP not any better than the BS, but the WS is actually a lesser person for allowing themselves to be tangled up in it. It's a slimy, pathetic pair.

Let the OP have the slimy, skulking, lying WS - I'll take a real person, por favor.

Theres a 'friend' of mine, I have never been that keen on her she is more of a friend of a friend, I know her through someone else.

There is something I have never quite liked about her, always though she is selfish and self obssessed and superficial.

Anyway, lo and behold I have just found out she is entrenched in an affair with a married man with 2 kids.

Just shows your instincts are right about people. It takes a certain type of person, and she is definetly one of them.

There are - surprisingly - a couple advantages to having a sister for an OW.

Never thinking for a second that the OW in my story was/is better than me in any way is one of those advantages because I have the "luxury" of knowing all there is to know about her.

It simply never occurred to me. People, including me, have always felt kind of sorry for her. And now that everyone knows about the A and the poor way she's handled it (along with her other As), people think much more lowly of her.

Part of the reason she pursued my H, friends and family believe, is that she has felt inferior to me - the love and adoration H has for me, the strong M we have (yes, despite his A w/ her), my happiness, financial freedom, intelligence, business competence, admiration from others.

During their A, I plan A'ed him and didn't even know it.

Meanwhile, she was a depressed, lonely, jealous, needy, attention-giving, attention-seeking, trampy, beautiful idiot, bless her pitiful heart.

Still is.

Atena, she will never be finer or higher quality than you.

On this last bday, when my fb page was flooded with happy wishes, I got a great comment from one of my brothers-in-law. He said something about how he's known me since I was little and what a fine woman I've become.

Do you think he'd say that about an adulterer?

You need to believe that you are finer than OW. Because you are. Without question.

OW was my friend who was constantly trying to be more like me. Going so far as to wear her make-up like I do and become a vegetarian like me. The only way I thought she might be better than me was in bed because she is much older than me (and WH) and a bit of a slut--she might call it 'experienced'.

Turns out, I am far superior to her in every single way. She will never be even half the woman that I am. I would never engage in the activities that she has.

No OP is better than the BS. They are thieves at best. Take back what is yours and throw their rotten a**es away!

Just stumbled accross this,

I had been thinking Skanky was better as he kept the A going in total for 6 years, 1 years A the last 5 as 'just friends' but recently found this a stinky lie.
Yet he has said that she was jealous of me, of what we had, the fact that he always told her he wanted friendship and loved me, things she too said to me as she was a friend of mine too (though not for last 5 years)

indeed the truth is I was/am better, I think he sees that now, possibily always did but more importantly, although it hurts like f**k my self esteem gets a little better every weel.

Thanks for this, it helped me see I am not alone!

How could any OW/OM be any better than the BS's, We didn't lie or cheat, we didn't steal someone else's spouse........we didn't say to ourselves it's okay to be selfish and hurt other people...........
It takes a morally disfunctional person that can make all that alright. I figure they deserve what they get in life and sooner or later there will be a pay back for their actions..........
It just shows you how all this effects our self esteems for a bit, but not for long because we have done nothing wrong so we shouldn't compare and judge ourselves..........
It is a waste of our time and the OW/OM is a waste of our time, people like that are not worth wasting any of our lives on...

ITA and have been told the same thing.



QFT for all of the hurting BSs out there. This IS the truth, even if it's hard to believe right now. The further you get in recovery the easier it is to see this as the truth.

Thank you Harmony for your insight into this. Very helpful to read it from someone who has been there themself.

BTW- WE ALL MISS YOU!!!

It is hard to not compare yourself with OW especially if she's younger. I know, age is just a number, but that really hurts. In the beginning I actually compared myself to an old shoe. Worn, comfortable, dependable. OW was the flashy high heels out having a great time dancing with my H while I was sitting in the closet.

We all learn that OW are jealous, selfish and damaged. I would never have a friend with these qualities. My sisters would never be OW. Notice that OW do not hang out with women of character. OW hang out with OW and I can bet that they do not trust each other.

We need to teach our DDs to never be OW and our DSs to stay away from them. Maybe we can get bumper stickers made with the word Cheaters with a line through it and plaster them around the world.