So almost one year ago this month my (now Ex)WH walked out and filed for divorce. He of course lied and cheated and I was unaware of it until I found a FB message from another woman.

The divorce is final and my life has gone on (rather nicely I might add) and I'm now starting to date again. I have a friend who I've been hanging around with and having a good time with and I suppose you could say we're dating (nothing intimate yet, which is good and the way I need things to be right now).

I have discovered that I am extremely uncomfortable about how 'friendly' he is with some of my female friends. He is a very friendly person, but to me it seems over-the-top friendly and I'm not sure if this is just my own insecurity from being screwed over and lied to in the past or what??

He seems to go out of his way to be friends with my friends, which is fine but I have found that I'm jealous of the attention he pays to one of my single friends. Goes out of his way to talk to her, touch her, poke her, joke around with her etc. and now he has friended her on FB.

Is this normal for me to be so hypervigilant or am I just damaged goods???

Of course "normal" is relative, so take what I say with a grain of salt. My opinion is that it is normal to be so vigilant for those of us who have been cheated on, and who know how easily the "super friendly" crosses into something else.

It doesn't matter what others think, the important thing is what you think - if someone is too friendly for YOUR comfort, then that's what you should go by.

Personally, I was not comfortable dating anyone who was very touchy feely with other men, I didn't want to deal with that crap again after my ex .

AGG

AGG- Thank you so much for replying!

I think I already knew/believed everything you said (and I felt), it's just good to be validated by someone else who 'gets it'.

Sidney, it could be the way you write it, but your post smacks of . Even if you're just being hypervigilant, so what? There's an old line

which taken alone is a bit dismissive. But if you follow it to conclusion:

tells you that in circumstances such as these you should listen to your feelings.

In any event, it just seems to me that this fellow's behavior is boorish if nothing else. If it were me and I was out on a date, the last thing I'd be doing is cozying up to other women!

I think I'd be uncomfortable with that too. I think when we've been through something like we have, we are more sensitive and vigilant. Being so makes us all the more aware of boundaries, which can be a good and protective thing.

By saying "I suppose we are dating" it sounds like you aren't in a "serious relationship" by any means with this guy...so why are you getting upset? That's not fair to the guy that might not even realize he's doing anything wrong. If you DO start dating this man seriously and enter into a relationship you should DEFINITELY tell him about your feelings related to being overly affectionate, friendly to other women.

Does he consider you to be dating "exclusively"? Have you had this discussion?
From your topic it doesn't sound like he has any reason to consider you anything more than a friend (like any other girl in the group) that he enjoys hanging around with...so keep that in mind before getting too irritated at a guy that might not even know you think you are in a "committed relationship" w/ each other.

I agree with Fred. I can't think of a bigger turn off than to be with a date and he is not paying attention to me. A woman wants to feel like she is the focus of her date's attention, ie: UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. That is how people fall in love. You aren't too likely to fall in love with someone who can't even do that. What you describe would certainly turn me off.

Sidney, Dr Harley made an interesting comment about dating once on his radio show that made alot of sense. He said a single person should date ALOT of people and marry the one who meets your needs the BEST. He made the point that the more people you date the more likely you are to find the best match.

Sidney - does this guy consider you to be "dating"?
Are you dating "exclusively"?
Does he do these (flirt with others) things when on a "date" together...or have you even really been on a real "date" together?

You said you "suppose you're dating"...does HE know you "suppose" this?

Before lynching this guy as the bad guy here (as ppl seem to LOVE to do around here)...let's understand the situation better!!

No one is saying he is a "bad guy" and none of the questions you ask here are relevant to the basic issue. The basic issue is that his behavior bothers her - as it would many women. Dating is a job interview for marriage, if the candidate is annoying, the solution is to move onto the next candidate. So all the "supposing" in the world will not change the fact that she finds his behavior annoying.

Melody - you can't be serious? Perception is VERY relevant.
She said clearly that they have been "hanging around" and she "supposes" they are dating. Does this sound like an exclusive relationship to you? Would YOU want to be held to these standards by a man you are just "hanging around" with?

How in the heck is a man supposed to be judged correctly on his actions if the woman isn't clear of her intentions/perception. If they are just "hanging around" a lot of the same people/places together but not on a "DATE" necessarily...how is he supposed to know she thinks they are "dating"? If they have never been intimate in any way (not even a kiss)...at what point does "hanging around" friends automatically become "dating"?

I'm absolutely in agreement if he is acting like this (flirting, etc..) while they are considered "dating" then that would bug me too if my GF did that. BUT...I couldn't expect a girl I "like" to not talk to/flirt with other guys when we are "hanging around" together if we have never actually been on a date or considerd ourselves "dating". That's not fair to her (or him).

THAT is why it is relevant.
His behavior sound like that of any typical single guy out with a group of friends - not dating anyone in particular. Are they out "together" when he does these things? Did they show up together in the same car and plan on leaving together? That is VERY relevant. Her perception of their "relationship" vs. his perception is VERY relevant.

I swear Melody sometimes I think you disagree with me just because you feel like you are supposed to.

What 76 said.

Honestly, sounds like the feelings could be one-sided, and he is not that interested. He definitely sounds like he is still on the market. He very well could be interested in your friends. Which, of course, is entirely his right.

Note, too, that you said "there is nothing intimate yet". For alot of men, that means there is no relationship.

Easy answer, of course, is to simply put your feelings on the table and see how responds.

Maybe it's just me, but I recently went on a first date. Had the woman I took out acted the way Sidney describes, rest assured I would not have asked for a second date!

Captain, again you miss the point. The issue is not whether it is appropriate behavior or not, but whether it ANNOYS HER. If she is considering a relationship with a man who "seems overly friendly" with other women and that annoys her, then she should strongly consider he is not a good potential candidate. Right, wrong or indifferent, that behavior BOTHERS HER and that is what counts. She is the DETERMINOR of what is and isn't appropriate FOR HER. No one else. So that makes all the points you made irrelevant. The solution is not try to tell her this is or isn't appropriate and you shouldn't be bothered by that, but to emphasize that the fact that it DOES bother her is what counts.

And yes, I do find I disagree with you ALOT, mainly because you routinely substitute your own opinion for Dr Harley's AND because you tend to have a wayward outlook.

Same here. I would be moving on.

Fred, what do you think of Dr Harley's suggestion to date ALOT of people? I can see the sense in that advice!

Considering that I'm just now getting back into the dating pool, I have already asked two women out. I'm about to go on a second date with one.

I believe that I want to take it very slow and be very cautious. I ignored a lot of when I married The Leopard.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

A note to the women: Fred is single and is interested in meeting a LOT of you.

I appreciate all the feedback.

So yes, we are dating and have been for a few months (I said the "I suppose we're dating" because part of me is scared to death to be dating again!). I am the one who has been wanting to take things very slow and he has respected that, while still letting me know that he really likes me and would like more.

After I posted this I told him that his behavior around my friend REALLY bothered me and honestly I was perfectly prepared to walk away and never look back. I'm like Fred- ignored those red flags before and paid for it dearly in the past....never again!

His response was that he was very sorry and had no idea that he was making me uncomfortable or perhaps sending my friend the wrong message. He even de-friended her on FB which I didn't ask him to do. He said he was just trying to get my friends' approval and meant nothing more by it.

The most important thing was that he said he felt really bad that I was hurt although he completely respected my feelings about it and was glad I told him . His ex-wife had affairs (multiple) and walked out on him and the kids so I think he has a better understanding for where I'm coming from (vigilant, strict on boundaries, etc).

Right now I guess I consider him to be on 'probation'....I will continue to proceed very slowly and cautiously and if this is ever an issue again I'm out!!!

I hear ya Fred! Glad to hear you're getting back out there

I need to fix ya up, Fred!!

Good job, Sidney! And what did you think of Dr H's advice to date ALOT of people? That is sooooooooooo different from anything I have ever done but I can see the wisdom in it.

B-b-b-b-but they'll all shoot better than me, ML!

Of course, if they're willing to teach, I'm willing to learn.



I got a lot out of your last note, Sidney. The women I've asked recently have seemed to be very slow and cautious, too. Perhaps they have had experiences that make them a bit reluctant to move too fast as well.

My ex "love bombed" me. Which is very common for women with Cluster B personality disorders. Of course, I didn't know that at the time, which is why *I* am now on my guard.

It is immaterial, whether or not they are exclusively dating. Boorish is boorish. You don't flirt with people when you're on a date! There's no 'three-date' rule, or anything like that, either. You don't flirt with people when you're out with a member of the opposite sex! That's not just a , it's incredibly rude and sends a message "Yeah, I'm with you...but there might be something better coming along any minute, now...".

Although I've got to tell you, Sidney - it's good to see this behavior early on, when you don't have as much time and emotion invested in this guy.