Hello. Here's a bit about my marriage and my situation.
Been married 10 years and we have 2 kids. I learned my wife was having an affair over the last 6 months with someone who lives a 1000 miles away. they chat online alot. He is married and now wants a divorce. My wife lasted 1 week not talking to him and recently visited him during New years (that hurt). I have been trying to meet her needs and she just started telling me that I do too many things wrong (not follow through on things, cut in during discipling kids, not communicating enough). She said she now realizes this is the cause for her past depression and this guy is who brought her out of it. She now wants to separate because she is too stressed being around me. She has asked me to leave. I'd rather not, because I just leanred of these new concerns/needs she has and I want a chance to meet them. But at the same time she's miserable being in the house with me. What should I do??

I've been also doing my best not to be negative/fight with her. Since the moment she confessed, I've only had one angry outburst with her. She chats with this guy every single day. Oh and a few other things. She admitted to me in October that she did sleep with him in June during a conference the two of them were at. Then he stayed with us for a week and they had sex (she said not in our house supposedly)during that time too. that one hurts quite a bit and would probably get me a spot on Jerry Springer. She told me she was going to visit this guy during the New Years' break and I decided to tell her that I would not divorce because of that. Her reason for going at first was so she can learn if this guy is actually worth it or not, but I told her 4 days with him is like a vacation and not REALITY! She agreed, but still went. We're going to counseling, but she'd rather focus on what I'm doing wrong and not her affair that is still ongoing.

Stillwater, sorry to hear this terrible situation you're in with your wayward wife.

Make sure you understand and are clear on a few things before you start taking all the blame for what's happening:
Your WW is responsible for her choice to have an A.
Counseling will not be effective while your WW is in an active A.
Most marriage counselors are worthless and will not help you save your M.
You are not responsible for your WW's depression.
She's finding fault with everything you do as a way of justifying her A.

Do you know the name of OM? Can you get to his wife and expose this to her? How old are your children?

Stillwater,
Sorry you are here. DO NOT leave the house. Do not do anything that supports her continuing her affair. Start making it difficult for her to carry her affair. What do you know about the OM? Is he married? You need to expose the affair to his wife or girlfriend and anyone esle who will support your efforts to save your marriage (if that is what you want). Don't beleive anything your WW is telling you. Find out things for yourself. Start snooping.

Gg

Stillwater, click on the 'notify' button at the bottom of your text box and notify the moderators to move your thread to 'Surviving an Affair.' I think you'll get more responses to this over there.

Thanks guys and maritalbliss. The OM's wife does know. She and I do talk from time to time because only the two of us can empathize with each other. My kids are 9 & 4. I defintely feel these reasons she's come up with is to make her feel better for what's she is doing. But she NEVER brought it up before the affair.

Hello. Here's a bit about my marriage and my situation.
Been married 10 years and we have 2 kids. I learned my wife was having an affair over the last 6 months with someone who lives a 1000 miles away. they chat online alot. He is married and now wants a divorce. He told his wife AFTER I confronted my wife and she confessed. My wife lasted 1 week not talking to him, but told me she couldn't last and wants to be honest about that.recently visited him during New years (that hurt). I have been trying to meet her needs and she just started telling me that I do too many things wrong (not follow through on things, cut in during discipling kids, not communicating enough). She said she now realizes this is the cause for her past depression and this guy is who brought her out of it. She now wants to separate because she is too stressed being around me. She has asked me to leave. I'd rather not, because I just leanred of these new concerns/needs she has and I want a chance to meet them. But at the same time she's miserable being in the house with me. What should I do??

Junior Member

Registered: 01/07/11
Posts: 4 I've been also doing my best not to be negative/fight with her. Since the moment she confessed, I've only had one angry outburst with her. She chats with this guy every single day. Oh and a few other things. She admitted to me in October that she did sleep with him in June during a conference the two of them were at. Then he stayed with us for a week and they had sex (she said not in our house supposedly)during that time too. that one hurts quite a bit and would probably get me a spot on Jerry Springer. She told me she was going to visit this guy during the New Years' break and I decided to tell her that I would not divorce because of that. Her reason for going at first was so she can learn if this guy is actually worth it or not, but I told her 4 days with him is like a vacation and not REALITY! She agreed, but still went. We're going to counseling, but she'd rather focus on what I'm doing wrong and not her affair that is still ongoing.

First thing....DON"T MOVE OUT. No...no...no. Vets will be by soon to guide you.

Do not move out if she wants to leave let her leave

Expose the affair

Start working on Plan A

Sorry you are here but this is the best place for you.

I know how bad it hurts... new and not new to this too. Listen carefully to what the vet's say. Then do it. All of it. Don't chicken out on the tough ones. Don't pick and choose. It only works if you do all of it. Otherwise you could end up like me emasculated by a cheating wife who WILL convince you this is your problem. You don't trust her... If I only trusted her our relationship would be better. I have heard it all and you will too if you don't do what they say.

Bottom line is you have a cheating wife like me and NOTHING she says can be believed!

Heck my WW convinced me that she was moving out to make us better and the OM was going to help move her out and that was because he was such a good friend and wanted to see us work it out! I actually believed it... why because I was so manipulated and controlled that I wanted to not make her mad.


Good luck and sorry for your pain!
RC

Cut. Off. Your. Internet. Service.


Fog speak. Seems you are in contact with his BW - you two should collaborate on killing this abomination.


No longer EA, likely now PA. She's a crack addict, and chasing the pipe.


Rewriting marital history to justify her filthy actions.


Probably because you won't allow her to have her affair partner.


DON'T.


Expose to friends, family, the children. Advise OMW to do the same thing, since you are in contact with her. Cut off internet, long distance, cell phones. Do nothing that will support the affair.

Read up on "Plan A/Plan B."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Implement Plan A while doing everything you can to kill the affair. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME.

Do yourself a favor. Quit being a doormat.

If she continues this, YOU WILL DIVORCE HER. And she needs to know that - with every phone call, with every visit, with the very mention of his name.

What the others said.

1. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME. If your WW feels uncomfortable, then SHE can move out if she thinks that will make her feel better.

2. Read up on "Plan A" on this site. Get your self a copy of "Surviving an Affair" too.

3. Gather your evidence and EXPOSE to everyone that can assist in ending the A (family, friends, OM's family, etc.). The exposure should not be done in a malicious or vindictive way. The people you expose to should be made aware that you are doing the exposure to save your M and you're asking for their assistance in doing so.

4. Do NOT confuse Plan A with "Plan Doormat". You do NOT want to be a doormat to an active WW! At the same time you're working to win her back, you should also make her aware that you're not going to just roll over and give her everything she wants. IN PARTICULAR, GET LEGAL ADVICE RIGHT NOW AND TAKE ANY NECESSARY STEPS TO ENSURE SHE DOES NOT LEAVE WITH YOUR KIDS.

One more piece of advice I want to give that's not really along MB lines - consider VERY carefully why you want to recover your M with a cheater. You've got quite a fight ahead of you, and there's no guarantee of success, and even if she does not leave the M, what's left may make you wonder why you bothered to fight for it at all.

You're right MiM - this is NOT MB at all.

This poor man has come here to get help to save his TEN YEAR marriage that has given him TWO WONDERFUL CHILDREN. Isn't that reason enough?? Oy. So let's see if we can help him get going on this and maybe help him get his marriage back, how about it?

As a BW in a fully recovered M, I've got to say that I'm glad you weren't one of the first people I met when I came here.

Dude, they very likely had sex in your house. Don't believe a word your WW is saying at the moment. Your WW is in the mode of blaming you for her A (almost all WWs do that), and will say or do anything to make her look like less of a bad person. Your job is to "head her off at the pass" when that starts to happen. Accept ZERO responsibility for any of her choices, and make sure she's aware of that. Also, ANY time talk of her relationship with the OM comes up, make sure you use the words "affair" and "adultery", not the softer terms other people use for the same activity, just to avoid conflict.

Wow. I'm impressed with so many quick replies. I already like this message board. Here's a few more things:

1. Her family knows. They are very close to me and are supportive. Her brother is very angry and upset with her. Dad has been very supportive of me and logical. But I'm no realising that even though he's kept me from kicking her out, screaming,etc. is that I've been to enabling. There needs to be balance. My family doesn't (my father is ill and sis just had a baby. Worried it would be too much).

2. I'm working on Plan A. Doing my best.

3. I'm not moving out, but hope I have more time to show her I can meet those needs. She doesn't think I can right now and if she leaves now, that's how she'll feel and give her more reaons not to come back.

4. the OM's wife knows, their friends know (and they're all not talking to the OM). But his parents are not aware. They only know they have separated. The OM's wife wants to work things out, the OM doesn't and wants a divorce.

5. I plan to get legal advice\.

It's so hard because as I try to deposit into her love bank, she's withdrawing out of mine every day as she chats with him on her computer.

Not if he gets stuck with an unrepentent W who doesn't really recommit to the M. And some men simply cannot adjust to an M, knowing that their W chose to be dishonest and have sex with another man, making it very difficult for them to fully recommit to the M as well. There's reasons that over 77% of Ms where the W is the cheating spouse eventually fail, and they're not all because the WW decided to end the M. and no M at all can be better than a bad M, particularly where kids are concerned.

While I wish this poor man every success in recovering his M if that's what he truly wants to do, I'm not going to blow smoke about his chances either.

Whose computer is this? Do you pay for this computer or the internet service? Shut off the internet. Or put a password on there and stand there while your WW uses it.

This business of talking to OM right in front of you is unacceptable. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not allow her filthy affair talk in your marital home.

Don't be a doormat for her in the mistaken impression that being a nice guy will get her back, stillwater. Doormats just get walked on. She will not respect you if you allow her to trot her affair in front of your nose. And most women have a need to respect their H.

It's cool. I know what's at stake and why I'm still sticking around. I don't mean to make excuses, but she needs serious help too. She has cycles of depression and had one before she meet this loser, I mean OM. He has the same symptoms too by the way. Anyways, she's been feeling better and says it's because of him. I know that it's all fantasy because she only has had a chance to see him in person during business trips that is more like vacation to her.