If she does this using your Internet service at home, time to start looking into ways of stopping that, up to and including cancelling the Internet service if necessary. If she talks to him on the phone, have the number blocked. If her mobile is part of a family plan, cancel the service. Let her buy her own phone and pay for her service.

Do not support her A activities in any way. Remember that you are dealing with an addict, and you need to block the source of that addiction by any means necessary (well, 'cept for illegal means, of course).

You mean POSOM. Figure it out.

"Whose computer is this? Do you pay for this computer or the internet service? Shut off the internet. Or put a password on there and stand there while your WW uses it."

It's her computer and our internet. She told me she was doing this and I put up with it because I don't want to drive her away and paint myself as the jerk. At the same time, I know she probably doesn't respect me for that and I look like a doormat. I feel like I'm damned if I tell her no more in our house or to continue allowing her and lose respect.

SW, this is where I would start. Cut off your internet, or remove your router so she can't use the internet at home anymore. Don't allow her to conduct her affair from your home. No phone calls, no chats, no nothing. You need to demand that she end her affair and tell her that if she can't conduct her affair from your home. Tell her that her continued affair will lead to divorce. If it comes to that, you will sue on grounds of adultery and have the OM hauled into court to give testimony of the affair.

Does the OM have a facebook page? If he does, I would do a nuclear exposure on his facebook page. What does he do for a living?

The key is to cause unmitigated holy hell in the affair. The OM should hear from you everytime he contacts your wife. OM are usually cowards who are easily run off.

Stillwater, pretend you're somebody else who is on the outside of your house looking in. What they are seeing is a guy who is standing meekly next to his wife, watching her declare her undying love to some as8hole loser on the internet. Wouldn't you be totally embarrassed for that ignorant SOB?

Wouldn't you think HE WAS A JERK??

She chats on google chat constantly. Is there a way I can retrieve all of her chats from Google?

I don't know about the inner workings of Google chat, but I DO know you can slap a keylogger on there that will pick up every one of her keystrokes, including chat and email.

www.spectorpro.com

Get the eblaster.

It is very good that you recognize this, Stillwater. Of course she's bringing this up now. She's got to come up with something to legitimize her A. You would be surprised at how many BS's on this board were perfectly fine in their spouse's eyes until their spouse began an A.

Sadly, many of them don't recognize it for the fogbabble that it is and accept it as truth, then begin bashing themselves. I'm glad to see that you aren't doing this.

I know that on my google chat through gmail, if I type "chat" into the search box, it pulls up all of my chat logs, though I do believe that 'logging' has to be turned on.

anoni, can you permanently delete chat logs on Google chat?

Check out Spying 102 thread in - I bumped to top

I could be wrong, but can't seem to find a way to access them once they're deleted. I don't know how tech savvy she is, but if she's not, she may not realize Google logs all chats by default. You don't see them unless you search for them, in my experience.

You would, however, need to be able to get in to her account to see them. The key logger is probably easier if you don't know her passwords.

You are not giving her LB's if you are manning up to kill the affair. Yes, you are being a doormat. Yes, you would be more attractive to her if you earn her respect.

Do not be afraid of the consequences of killing the A. Until she can be separated from the OM, she will remain in her fog.


Kill the A.

No, you are damned if you allow this to continue - you are not damned if you stop the affair. Women do not respect men they can run over and our love is contingent upon the respect we feel. The longer you allow this go on, the more entrenched her affair and the greater her disgust for you for being a doormat. Basically you are are her ENABLER.

And that is what has to change if you want to save your marriage, stillwater. Cut off the internet, remove the router, do what you have to do. But DEMAND that she end the affair today. Let her know that this will lead to divorce if it doesn't stop. But most of all don't allow her to conduct her affair from your home. Make her go down to the library and carry on if she insists.

And in the meantime, I would contact a lawyer and find out how you can get her out of the house. Find out your legal rights. ARe you in a fault state?

Did you read what I wrote about opening up a can of hell on the OM? If he has a facebook account, we have an awesome way you can cause him some trouble.

What does this scumbag do for a living?

They both work in technology. She has her settings on google for the chat history as off as far as I know. I'm not to the point to get all ruthless on her [censored], but I want more effective ways of handling my situation. I want some sort of balance between a person who is considered a safe and positive place to be and the someone like Vlad the Impaler. LOL

Oh! And I live in Texas.

If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to be BOTH Wyatt Earp and Mr Rogers in order to be effective. IT takes a carrot and a stick. As you can see from experience being timid does not work. It only gives the impression you don't care very much..

If you look at all the marriages that have been saved on this forum, they were hell on the affair, not timid. And that is what it takes if you want to make it. I know it seems counterintuitive, but that is what it takes to save marriages, my friend!

God Bless Texas!!

Even though Texas is a no fault state, you will have an advantage because of her adultery. They can subpoena your W and her OM's emails and texts in discovery. Hopefully you will never have to do this, but your wife will have second thoughts if you tell her you will not go down easy.

Here is something that Dr Harley wrote about being timid [and I will add that the timid ones don't save their marriages in my 10 years experience here]:

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

The biggest piece of advice we can give you from a legal standpoint is that you NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME!

Tell her that if she wants out, she knows where the door is. You and the kids are staying right where you are.

Let her know that you will not talk divorce and that any such path will not be easy in any way. You will not simply roll over for her. You let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you will use her adultery against her in court and will seek sole physical and legal custody.

Just so you know, you're not going to get sole physical and legal custody, but 99% of this game is psychological. She doesn't know the ins and outs of legal stuff.

Here you have an advantage since you have a whole forum of folks who've walked down that path.

Again, 99% of what you're dealing with is psychological.

Tell her, after you make clear that the path of divorce is ugly, that the path of fixing and rebuilding your marriage is much better.