I have not refused to answer any of her questions either.

I will try to find a way to suggest she come back to the board without sounding too pushy.

So when do YOU think you've had enough of feeling remorse? There seems to be some resentment on your part that your BS keeps asking these questions. Be Open and Honest about your feelings.

I read on another thread that a couple POJAed this, by setting up a specific schedule for A talk. The BS gave the list of questions to the FWS before the scheduled time, so that the FWS could remember and work through the details as best as they could. They also scheduled the specific amount of time they would talk about. I believe it was for 15 minutes.

deerhunter, does this counselor have a workable plan for you and your wife to fall in love again? If he doesn't, you are wasting your time. Your marriage will recover and your W will get over this much more effectively if you fall in love again. You can tell her that MelodyLane said that bringing up the affair again is going hamper her recovery and slow down your marital recovery. It is an enemy of good conversation that prevents you both from falling in love.

Tell her I said she should stop bringing it up. She will feel better and get over this sooner if she does this. Tell her I said this, not you.

BUT.....rack your brain to answer her question.

I will never stop feeling remorse. I have told her that just as she will carry something with her for the rest of her life I will too. I have told her that I will use that as a constant reminder that I will never stop tring to make our marriage better and stonger then it was before.

I don't rresent her asking, I know there are things she may need to know. I guess I get frustrated though when she asks things and I answer the best I can but she won't except them as is. Since the A has come out I have been straight with her but she still thinks I am hiding things.

I am trying to minimize this, I just want to know what I can do.

ML,

We told him about the things we learned from the books and this website. He has made some more suggestions to enhance them. He has not given us a concrete plan. I will bring that up next time. Depending on his answer I will discuss it with broken too.

I will ask her to read my post and the replies, that seems less imposing. Thanks.

No resentment...?

IMHO, you are sacrificing. What about my suggestion about POJA this?

How much UA time are you spending together? This came up on another thread.

I think it is a good idea if it will help. I will ask her what she thinks.

We are having UA time but probably not as much as we need. I work nights, she works days. I am trying to increase that already.

Are you hiding things? Maybe little bits that you think should be withheld because it "will hurt her?" I used to get frustrated when the story didn't make sense.. And the reason it didn't make sense is because my H was holding back little odds and ends that he thought would get his [censored] in trouble. That is a DUMB PLAN because a BS is like a blood hound and when you hold out one little tidbit, it will DRIVE HER CRAZY UNTIL SHE GETS IT OUT.

And she will dig it out. It might take 1 year or it might take 3 years. She will get it out one way or the other. So you can go down easy or you can go down hard. If you want to make it easy on you both, I would suck it up and get it all out there, the good, the bad and the ugly. Answer all her questions to her satisfaction. THEN DROP IT AND NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN. <---tell her *I* said that, not you.

It sounds to me like she sniffs some tidbits. Is that true?

It takes 20-30 hours per week to create romantic love and 15 hours to maintain. Dr Harley says his program doesn't work without it.

I get that completely.

What I can tell you DH, is as a BS, I've probably beat the dead horse into a puddle on this type of talk.

However, I know that FWW is willing to talk to me if I were to get stuck. That in and of itself is enough of a motivation for me to brush it off.

Is it worth discussing again? No. So I don't. But simply having the option, and knowing that I will get total honesty, is a huge motivator to not. If that makes sense.

Agree completely. And it impedes recovery, DH.

Agree, just that willingness makes all the difference. If a BS feels like she is grilling a hostile defense witness, that is an indicator that something is being withheld. For some reason, his wife does not feel he is forthcoming. She doesn't feel she has the complete picture.

Dear Deerhunter71:

I'm not familiar with your thread, so if you have been open and honest with your wife, this may not apply to you. But if you have been withholding information, please avoid what my husband and I have gone through:


Once I got the truth about the facts of my husband's affairs, I needed to go back and review details that I had found out or had been revealed previously. Like putting together a puzzle, I needed to gather ALL the pieces and move them around for a while to see if they fit. Once everything fit and MADE SENSE, I was able to let it go. What I learned is that if it didn't make sense, IT WAS A LIE.


I asked the same questions over and over for THIRTY YEARS until I finally got the truth. We still have a polygraph in our future. Now my husband (Cantgetitright) has a very different wife than he would have had if he just told me the truth in the first place. I lost and he lost.

If you have not told the truth, TELL THE TRUTH.

BrokenVase

One thing that helped Cantgetitright and me was for me to give CGIR a list of questions, and he would take some time alone to think about them and write down the answers. This way, he had time to reflect and remember, without me sitting there waiting for an answer and did not become frustrated because he couldn't remember what I wanted him to. Then we would review and discuss his answers. This prevented some never-ending conversations that just devolved in LB-fests.

Also, I now have all the information I need in a permanent form (we kept notebooks). If I need to review anything, I can look at the notebook on my own, and don't have to open up another discussion with CGIR.

Hope this is helpful -

BrokenVase

Excellent advice. This has helped me and my H also.

BV, do you have suggestions on the type/content of the questions you asked which gave you the most complete sense of KNOWING (rather than those which, when answered may leave you with the same cloudy suspicions as before)