Ok thanks to all the comments.

RoseCroix is a french word that means something to me. A reminder of my faith and what will get me through this. Real name is Greg (less feminine eh?).

Laughter is the best medicine I agree. If it wasn't such a mess it would be funny.

Tonight was crisis 2.0. I am setting in counselors office trying to explain the whirlwind of last week when cell goes off... it is my daughter telling me that police are there with WW who is not supposed to be there since I have a DV order. She has come to pick up her dogs and a few clothes. She had counter filed a DV order on me the day after I did. It supposedly allowed her to come get her dogs. Just a vindictive thing but she is like that.

I teach college classes in the evening and are usually tied up with them weds. so I imagine she planned it that way. I quickly call my brother and get him to come over and keep an eye on things and calm my now hysterical daughter.

I am not allowed to be near her so I have to drive around talking to 911 about the situation till they leave.

Needless to say tomorrow I will be calling my lawyer and trying to figure out what just happened?

I am truly frightened of her and see no way to calm this escalation down. Every time I do something that needs done like cancel CC's bank access etc... she escalates. I know she is not rational and the escalation worked in the past, but $%^& when is this going to stop? My daughter said tonight after all this Dad... let's just leave and give them the house and everything. We can start over.

I must be strong for her.....

RC

It just keeps on coming. Today I found out that she has wrecked her car. They are out looking for her to serve the divorce papers and tomorrow is my 50th birthday. I think I have her cutoff from all my finances and done what I need to do to protect my daughter and I.

It still seems like a nightmare I cannot wake up from.

The things I know for certain are that I want NO contact with her, I want a divorce since this has come to an abuse situation and I cannot make it better.

My question is this... where and how do I begin to start healing me? I know that I need work on me. I want to heal from the A hurt and also learn to trust someone someday.

Finally as I read here more and more and lift the veil of denial that I was wearing... it is amazing the compassion that the vets here have for us newbies! I had no idea what grief and pain was till that happened. I've lost a parent and while it was a very sad and grief filled event, it was part of life and a natural course of things. Nothing about this is natural and I think that is what magnifies the pain. The vet's compassion and patient insistence that my situation is not different, that there is a very predicatable pattern and that I MUST see it before I can proceed.

Thank you all for the past advice and what is to come....

RC

The only thing that I can tell you is that with No Contact and Plan B, you wil start to feel better. Not being immersed in the drama of the wayward universe will be healing for you.

Rose,

I can relate to what your saying. I recently lost my father to cancer, but in some weird bizarre way in is nowhere like the pain and anguish that I am going through in my marriage.

Stay here, learn, read, lots and you will get support and be in a place you never dreamed of.

I came here, a complete mess, said the same words as you is this a nightmare am I going to wake up soon?

Now all hell is breaking loose around me, and through the support and reading I have done HERE, I am coping pretty well. I sleep well at night, I go about my business and survive ok.

So stick with it, and look after yourself.

Focus on your daughter, be the best Dad you can possibly be.

I am a newbie here, but the VETS will be along sometime soon.

Oh and try and plan something nice tomorrow, just do it, even if you don't feel like it.


Harmony

that is correct... the last thing I feel like is being with a bunch of people trying to cheer me up. I'm told something is going on tomorrow so I will have to paste a cheery face on and get by.

Truth be known today I feel ok. Have not had too many waves of sadness like earlier in the week. It is getting better and once I get past our hearing next week where I will have to see her, I will start feeling better I am sure. The OM lives four houses down, so he is still on my mind. I need to work on not letting that bother me. It is a trigger right now. I need to work on that. I know he is a complete POS and she lost a good thing with me, but it is still a trigger.

RC

Croix, i commend your courage and decision to D her and be done with her. YOu truly see her for what she is, and it is very hard to do especially as soon as the A is discovered.
You are a strong person and made the right decision.
It will be hard but I think since you are resolved to end it and are taking steps right away to protect yourself, you will be able to get into self recovery very soon.
Blessing

this has been a long drawn out process. I have been hiding my head in the sand and trying hard to make this work. Plan A way too long and no exposure. That was the first A. By the time we got to #2, it was too far gone and I am too drained.

Don't feel strong. Just doing what I have to do....

what I am dealing with/feeling is how stupid I was to allow someone to pull the wool over my eyes to the point that I was willing to walk away from a million problems to avoid fighting or a breakup. I just cannot fathom what I was thinking?

RC

Croix, i understand how you feel. It sounds like you WW was the type of person that blamed it on you if you were not trusting her when she gave you no grounds to give her trust. She was toxic, exactly that.
I know because I was married to a WH who always blamed me for not allowing him to do what he pleased. I put up with that for too many years, and I too feel stupid and used.
But i still pine after my WH even if I know the dirt he is.
You have the courage let her go with no regrets and that is big and good news.
You are not a fool nor a stupid person. YOu have integrity and would not act the way she did, that is why is so hard to see that you where just being yourself, a good person, you were not being stupid.
blessing

A counselor threw out the suggestion of I might be co-dependant to me. I have to think about that. If being a standup guy doing the right thing knowing that my wife was cheating then maybe she is right? I still feel that there is value in loyalty and integrity.

RC

The labels that counselors slap on you do not matter. WHat truly matters now is that you are aware of what your wife was doing to you as a person and the way she treated you. You have gained awareness and that is very important. WHat she did to you in the past cannot be undone but you can change your present situation and set the foundation for a better future.
If and when you date you will know what a manipulative and cheating woman will act like.
Blessing

so I am talking to a few friends on Facebook and up pops one of WW's female friends who has not unfriended me. She tells me that she cannot believe what I have done. I give her the 10,000 foot exposure talk. She cheated on me, I have details etc. She gives me the two sides to every story talk and I give her the yes but only one truth.

Goes back and forth a while and finally I say look. I don't think you believe her either. She tells me her deceased husband cheated on her and she took him back in. I tell her that for an affair to be healed the WS must tell the truth and repair the damage. Conversation is over. Never answered my question. Odd... but not really. This is one of WW's very few female friends and one that I really like. Down to earth and a good person.

Don't feel bad about talking to her. The truth is the truth.

RC

As you can, continue giving your side of the story, even to those folks who "profess" to believe her instead of you. If anything is obvious in modern society, it is that the vast majority of folks are not critical thinkers. They will sort through various inputs and seize on those that confirm their previously held beliefs. That's why parents consider their children still as angels as they are led off in cuffs on their third arrest. Similarly, your wife's prior friends would have to force themselves to admit their lousy personal judgment if they accept that their "friend" turns out to be a skank WW.

Their failure to analyze and find the truth CANNOT lead to your failure to present and protect the truth.

Hang in there. I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

That is perfect! Neverguessed got it right!

Fwiw, my wxh's parents have enabled him from day one and are further enabling him now as he goes through another divorce (the xow now w is divorcing him after he cheated on her repeatedly..like that's a surprise)and they are once again supporting their son...an ex ceo turned criminal and wayward cheater of the worst kind.

It doesn't make me change my tune, my words, or my thoughts or the truth I tell about my xh. He's crappy. That's what he is. Crappy.

The truth in the end sets you free, no matter whether you reconcile your marriage or not. In my case, it set me free to live my life again.

I appreciate all the kind words... I know that you all give me hope. I feel impatient and wanting to hurry the healing process. I feel like the past few years I have wasted my time and maybe some of the best of me on a WW who was never going to get it right. She did not need to. She got her fixes as she saw fit and I was always there to clean up the mess or keep the light on.

The night she admits to going to his house and setting on the couch at 1:00 am talking and just hugging, I was out of town and miserable. I hate to be away (wonder why eh?) from home. I still cannot understand how she thought I would ever believe that story? Of course she never thought I'd snoop on her ipad... best $700 bucks I ever spent.


RC

Just remember this passage from the Good Book:

Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you will stand.

And after having done EVERYTHING to stand.

That passage got me thru my divorce, even during the most frightening day of my life, which was the first day I appeared in court, after having been served an eviction notice b/c my xh (then wh) never paid us cs or ss and froze our joint account (because I wouldn't agree to his quickie divorce and his division of the assets I helped generate with him as his wife).

See? You're promised to be standing after the storm if you put on the proper armor and fight. The storm will pass. Make sure you are still standing.

I had an r.o. too. It hurts when the waywards are also dangerous. Do the right things, raise your daughter well, and stand your ground and fight the good fight. Btw, my xh in the end, became on two occasions abusive to me and I had warrant out against him.

Your daughter depends on you! Maybe your ww will get help and change but now it's about you saving you and your dd.

Be brave. You can do it!

Thank you. That is a favorite passage of mine too. I also like the quote that He will either calm the storm or calm you while the storm rages.

RC

My family threw a 50th bday party for me. It was ok. I Still feel awkward in social settings and got the everyone is either looking at me or doing stuff cause they feel sorry for me feeling. I know that will pass... I realize it is important to normalize as much as possible. I realize in a theoretical ways lots of stuff that I don't want to deal with. Not sure if I list will help? Might overwhelm me?

My counselor threw out the suggestion of antidepressants. Not sure how I feel about that? Anyone got any advice?

RC

Happy Birthday, RC!

Some do well with anti-depressants. I much prefer exercise but if your depression is pretty bad, I would certainly consider it.

I think I like the idea of exercise. Just doesn't seem right to take meds to feel better about this. I agree that some folks may need them and they work. I just don't think it is right for me.

RC

excercise works well for me, that and good food and decent sleep. running is my despression medicine!