I desperately need some advice from those that have been there. My husband revealed his one month affair with an employee of his about four months ago. Since then it has been a difficult road, mainly for me. At first he was unsure of what he wanted, even though he said he wanted to keep his family, but he was not able to deny his feelings for this OW. However the OW is now sleeping with someone else from work and my H followed her one day to be sure. He has been more responsive to me since then but something just still isn't right. I cannot seem to get through this very well knowing they still work together (radomly-shes in outside sales). I periodically check on him still and even listen in on his voice mails and he seems to be behaving but I still feel so bad. I feel as depressed now after 4 months as I did in the beginning. He gets angry when I try and share this and last night I just lost it. I cried and sobbed so severly in front him in bed that I almost got sick to my stomach. He makes me feel bad, and asks me if I am ever going to let this go and drop it. I'm not sure if I can even start healing while they work together, I am always paranoid, even though I do well for a while but then those feelings creep right back up. Please help me.

You are in the right place for support. Read everything you can on this site and books about affairs and relationships.<P>You can not possibly feel "normal" right now and it is unfair for your H to act like you should. However, he probibly feels guilty, confused himself, and emotionally probibly doesn't have a lot to offer you in support of your own pain. He does not understand your pain, because he is not living it, that's why you have to start your own personal journey toward healing. <P>You are in the right place.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I can't offer any solution, but I can let you know that you are not alone. Your story sounds so similar to mine. The same time frame, but my H's OW was a "friend" of ours. I have good days and bad days. My H also does not want to discuss anything about the affair now. Just wants me to "get over it". He was very remorseful at first, but now he just wants it forgotten.<P>From all I have read, our emotions are normal. I still check up on him but not as much as i did at first.<P>We just have to hang on and take one day at a time. I know it will get easier in the future....(can't get any worse, right??)

Zombie,<P> Thanks. It is very comforting to know that someone else is experiencing the same feelings in the same time frame. We have like you good and bad days, the ironic part is though they are always my bad days, not his. I guess I am still really questioning whether my H really meets my needs. I know he does not and I have tried to tell him what I need but the only thing that has really changed is his is more upbeat, the depression is finally gone for him. Sometimes I even question the sincerity of his Mr. Happy attitude, it just doesn't seem real. I guess what I am truly craving from him is kind acts of love, the little things, which I have tried to share mean so much to me but he just can't be bothered. I guess I look at it like if I knew that I had hurt my significant other that deeply I would do everything in my power to show my love and intentions. Am I dreaming and expecting too much from a man? I know others that do it for the SO, can't this skill be learned if there is a desire? Men please help answer this one!!!!!!

Hi. Thanks for your reply to my post about revenge. My h.'s affair was over a year long, with a coworker has had been infatuated with for years. He confessed in August, she had ended it in April to free herself up for the return to the boss (that's gone on off and on for several years, it's why she will succeed in that office). Because she ended it with him, I always feel like second fiddle. <P>As to those 'needs' being met--I've started asking specifically. He has started a new job and had sent emailed some work to himself here at home. Last night he logged on and said, 'oh good, it worked.' I said "Great, I guess that means you could send me a love letter , then, huh?" He ignored that comment, but when we were watching tv he asked for a neck-rub "Would you rub my neck? I'll write you a love letter tomorrow." I did, we'll see if he does. I'd like something tangible that says he knows what he's done and that he needs to make amends, y'know? <P>Isn't it frustrating that they think we should just move on like they've just dented our car or wore muddy shoes into the house and "oops, I'm sorry I upset you" is the way they want to fix it?<P>Maybe we should have a joint "scream into your pillow" party!<P>lizzie<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

Hang in there! I am too in the same situation and it isn't easy. Being paranoid maybe but that's your right. I too check voicemails, push redial and all that, maybe it makes us feel better to know they are doing good with them not knowing we know. But I also think in order to go on we have to stop all this eventually and start to rebuild trust (that's if the H and W are willing) otherwise the relationship will never excel. An affair is the probably one of the hardest ordeals to overcome but I believe it can be done one day at a time. I wish you luck.<P>------------------<BR>SillySam

drowning--i am a m betrayer and yes your husband can learn those behaviors if he chooses to do so...if he is like me there are many behaviors for a variety of reasons that i didn't learn or even understand about or were willing to understand about until now...i have woken up and seen the light...smelled the coffee so to speak...anyway it's unfortunate for me that i had to wreak total havoc and destruction on my poor wife to be willing to want to understand<BR>my life i destroyed and can handle that but my wife, well no need to even go there...anyway if h wants to improve self he can, he might need you to show him the way--love understanding and big time communication a problem for most guys, read all you can here and try not to lovebust it gets you nowhere...much peace and love...trying hard<BR>

Thank you all,<P> My precious God what a wonderful support <P>system this is. I wish I knew about it 4<BR> <BR>months ago. No one except those that have <P>had to experience this pain and bazare <P>behavior can truly understand what it is<P>like. I will continue to try and believe<P>in what I have in marriage, for my son and<P>for myself. My husband is a good man but<P>has allowed his career (which at one time<P>included the OW) to come first. I can't stand<P>feeling like a nag but I will continue to try<P>and show him through love what my needs are.<P>The part that scares me the most is he says<P>I fulfill all of his needs. If that were the<P>case he would never have had an affair, so I<P>tend to be a little distrusting of his word<P>on that. I just don't think he wants to deal<P>with it, it's easier to remain in sort of a<P>emotional void. Which is how he was raised<P>with an alcoholic father, this is how you<P>avoided confrontations with an alcoholic.<P>Thanks again to you all. And no my husband<P>does not drink, he is a workaholic instead!<BR>