Shortest version possible: While my husband was deployed to Iraq he fell in love with a female soldier. They basically lived together the whole year he was there. I knew nothing about her until 6 months in. I had a feeling he was cheating so I offered an open marriage. Through talking, we came up with just having another female be with us both (I am not opposed to a bisexual relationship). I brought up her name as a candidate to gauge his response (I had seen some text msgs and thought it was her that he was cheating with). He feigned hesitation at first but then was fine. Fast forward 6 more months and they return from Iraq and she starts living with us the next day. It was hard at first for all of us. Because her and I weren't really talking. (we did become friends by communicating via email for the second half of the deployment. It was just really awkward for all of us to be together). Eventually her and I became very close and my husband drifted from both of us. It was happy on and off. They tended to argue a good deal. Well, during the next 3 months I was doing my best to accept everything. I was happy some and not some. It still hurt me to see them together. I progressively became more and more resentful of their relationship. The only thing that got me through was the thought that they would probably break up and she would move out soon. (They didn't seem very happy with each other most of the time). One day my dreams did come true. They got in a fight and she moved out. She was gone almost 3 weeks. They work together also but that 3 weeks coincided with christmas leave. (both in the Army). Little did I know, they were still talking. My husband lied to me and told me he was done with her but that she wanted to come visit me and my son (my husband's and mine son). When she got her she didn't even speak to me and I could tell that she was here bc my husband made her come. It turns out that he was having her move back in but lying to me the whole time. finally everything came out and my husband admitted to everything (even that the affair started in Iraq before I knew anything about it... which is something he always denied. So she is back and I do not want her here but I feel that If I ask her to leave my husband will resent me so much that we will never be ok or happy again. But I am literally going crazy seeing them together. I cry all the time and am seriously depressed. My husband doesn't understand why my feelings have changed "all of a sudden". I've tried to explain it to him but he wants me to try to be happy with them. Tonight he told me that he won't make her leave right now. that maybe in the future he could. But not right now. I told him I want to go home to my family for a while with our son and he said ok. I feel like that right there is him picking her over me. I don't know how to be without him. I've been with him for almost 10 years... since I was 14.
Do I tell him I will leave if he doesn't make her?
Do I just step down and leave on my own?
Do I stay even though It will tear me up?
I feel like not matter what I do I can't win. If he did make her leave bc I asked him to that would tear him up and break his heart. If I leave It will break both of our hearts. If I stay my heart will continue to break.
I know that A LOT of this is my fault for inviting her into our home in the first place. But I'm very open-minded and thought that we could all be happy together. I did a lot of research on polyamorous relationship before we started this and I truly thought it could work. But I do not feel like I can share my husband anymore.
If you've taken time to read this (sorry it's so long) any advice would be SO greatly appreciated. I'm so lost and confused.

Sarah, the trouble is, he was cheating on you before you agreed to an open marriage. Read up on the policy of enthusiastic agreement. The fact that you later decided it was ok does not change that your husband was and is lying to you. Based on what little I know of polyamorous relationships, all parties are in agreement BEFORE another person is invoted into the relationship. If you want your relationship to work you need to be honest with your husband about your feelings and should not have to stuff them down. You are not to blame for his deception. Have you read plan A and plan B?

Marriage is a contract. Polyamory redraws it.

Once again you need to be honest with you husband to explain your behavior. Namely you tried to save the marriage any way you could but it did not work.

Get back to the original contract, only now you have to renege the last negotiation. Show that it was under pressure. Then continue with the usual exposure, plan A and plan B.

Because of your interim arrangement this method is guaranteed to get to plan B.

Hi Sarah, as you have discovered the hard way, adultery is unbelievably destructive. There is nothing "open minded" about adultery. Women have nervous breakdowns, men hang themselves, commit suicide. And here you are permitting it in your own home.

My suggestion to you is that you pack her bags and escort her to the door TONIGHT. Tell her to hit the road jack. Then tell your H that he has grossly disrespected you and you are sorry you permitted it. Tell him his adultery days are DONE. PERIOD. If he won't agree to stop being an adulterer, you don't have a marriage and should make plans to divorce him.

Ask him to agree to never see or speak to that OW again.

The next step will be to affair proof your marriage and follow this program to recover your marriage.

"polyamory" is just a cute name for adultery, a form of sexual deviance that destroys marriages. But calling it cutesy names won't change the fact that it is destructive and stupid as hell.

Amen! sister.