Hi. I'm new here.

In one way, I wish I had found this website sooner, but OTOH, I don't think it would have made a difference in the end. I think I actually read some MB materials back in the mid- to late-80s. Things weren't so bad back then.

Here's my story. I first met my husband when I was a 17yo college freshman. We were friends in college, started dating after we graduated, and got married about 2 years after we both finished school. We were both church-goers and most of our social life centered around church activities and friends. Over the years we had a houseful of children and I was a sahm.

My husband's personality seemed to change as soon as we came back from the honeymoon. He simply was not as warm as he had been and became increasingly dictatorial. The marriage kept getting worse and worse over the years and in 2003 he told me that he no longer believed in the Bible. About that time he stopped being involved in church other than as a pew-sitter and got heavily involved in running. He became increasingly uninvolved with the children as they got older. We entered MC about five years ago at his request. I finally realized that his reason for wanting counseling is so that the counselor could fix me. He said in more than one session that there was nothing wrong with him and he had no intentions of changing anything about himself. When the counselor told him that H needed individual counseling, he went to 3 sessions and quit. I continued with some individual counseling for myself with the MC.

Also, about the time we entered MC, he started running several times a week with a small group of men and women. At length, I realized that he was in an EA with one of the women. In Fall of '08 he moved out of the house to pursue a relationship with the other woman. I was able to get into his email account and found where he was asking her for dates. She turned him down, so he asked to move back home. Also we had a major family vacation planned in December of that year and he wanted to go along.

After he came back we went to a little bit more MC, but he said that his EA didn't mean anything since it wasn't a PA. I requested that he go NC with the OW, but the (incompetent) MC didn't see it as a big issue. H became increasingly emotionally and verbally abusive over the next year. Finally, right around our 25th anniversary, he hit youngest DS (13yo at the time) who cried about it. H claimed that it was all in "fun."

Two and a half weeks later (after the big family cruise to "celebrate" our anniversary), I asked him to move out of the family home. He promptly started dating the OW and stopped depositing his salary in the joint bank account.

After the separation, I met one last time with the MC. I told him about H dating the OW and asked him why he hadn't called H on the verbal/emotional abuse. He mostly said, umm, uhh, but MC finally said that he thinks my H may have a personality disorder.

I filed for divorce in November of '09 and things are moving very, very slowly. About a year after he moved out, he sent me this long email asking me to reconsider the divorce. I was pretty sure that he was still seeing the OW and had no intention to going back to that abusive jerk, so I sent a long response that basically said, "No." The day he received it, he changed his Facebook status to "In a relationship" with the OW. I suspect that she was refusing to have sex until a year after the separation. She has been divorced about 10 years. The A definitely became physical after that, but within 2-3 months, he sent me a text telling me that he was "very single." Since we're still married, I found that very surreal.

Now, I'm waiting for the divorce. We have the first meeting for financial mediation next week.

I practice very, very low contact. He does not have my home phone number. I do not answer when he calls my cell. I only send him very brief emails that are about the children or necessary paperwork.

So my question: What do I do while I'm waiting? Any good advice on how to heal from an abusive relationship?

I think about dating when I'm free, but I'm terrified of making bad choices.

Hi Kirby, welcome to Marriage Builders, the club that nobody wants to join!

It's the weekend and message traffic is quite slow. You'll get more responses in a day or two.

I'm not real sure I can help you with your question(s). So let me tell you what I did (my story is here but I don't post a link to it).

I had what I thought was the "perfect" marriage (my second). It turned out to be anything but. My ex-wife most likely has a personality disorder. Her background and behaviors strongly point to one, and I've had a psychiatrist "unofficially" confirm that diagnosis. Not that it matters, but a year out (and six months since the divorce) I have gained a little clarity and stability.

What I did "while waiting" was the following: I spent a lot of time reading, researching and communicating with knowledgeable and helpful people. That means Marriage Builders, among others.

I bought and read a number of books, including several of Dr. Harley's, including "Surviving An Affair." I came to these forums and questioned, complained, shared and read. A lot.

What I didn't do were the following: I didn't communicate with my wayward (now ex-)wife. I didn't seek a "rebound relationship." I didn't attempt a "revenge affair." I didn't seek solace in drink, drugs, gambling or other self-destructive behavior (I am a recovered alcoholic).

I prayed. I was given a Bible and started studying it. I joined a church.

In other words, I went about seeking my own recovery.

And a year later, I'm feeling much better. I have just now gotten up the nerve to ask a couple of ladies out. I'm pretty inexperienced in this area, so it's taking a lot of "getting out of my comfort zone" to do it. And I'm doing it S-L-O-W-L-Y.

By the way, I'm also a runner. But running for me is my most "private" activity. I do it alone -- just me and God having time together.

So, by way of this overly long missive, I can only advise you this: give time time. Don't hurry. If you can, get an intermediary to handle the communications about the kids and paperwork, and cease having any contact with him altogether.

And come here, read, post and let the people and principles of Marriage Builders help you recover.

God bless.

What do you like to do for fun? Can you think of something you've never tried, but would like to.

Have you read any good self help books?

It doesn't have to feel like limbo while you're waiting, if you're trying to live in the present moment and enjoy it on the way. I use to feel in limbo. Now, just enjoying the journey when I can, and grieving when I need to.

I like the movie with Jim Carey the whole idea of him healing was to say "YES" to everything and see where life leads you.........Think of all the different things you could experience and all the new people you could meet..........
try it .........open mind, open heart

You have the opportunity, now, to do something that you couldn't do while married and raising children - what is that "something"?

What career or serious hobby would you love to have? Can you take classes or lessons in it? Something like that will give you a focus and help you to earn a new (or additional) identity.

I am trying to restart a writing career that crashed and burned while trying to deal with XWH. That's just one example. What is it that you would love to do? Because now you can!

Thanks, those are some good ideas. I have taken a class in photography which is something I've always been interested in, and I've gotten involved with a local DivorceCare group. I went in the fall semester as a participant and was asked to come back as a helper for the spring semester (I show people where the children's programs are held and help with some of the paperwork). I've read several self-help books.

It has been 10 days since I started this thread and I spent a lot of last week meeting with accountants and lawyers to hammer out the financial end of the divorce.

On Friday we came to a final agreement. Now, I'm waiting for it to be properly written up so I can sign it. That should happen this week. It will be filed with the courts either late this week or early next week. After the judge signs it, I will be divorced.

I find myself waffling between terrible sadness and momentary glimpses of feeling free and happy. I haven't felt this sad about the divorce in months. Is this "normal?" (For a given value of "normal")

It's not that I want to go back to my husband. He was not a nice man. He mistreated me and the children for years. Only one of the five kids is willing to see/talk to him and she's just doing it to get money out of him. Even so, she does the bare minimum contact he requires to keep him paying for her school and expenses. She wants to study abroad next year, and I think she just wants to run away from the whole family.

I think I'm sad about the marriage and life that I thought I was going to have. I spent so many years trying to figure out a way to make him happy and never succeeding. I spent so many years giving of myself to my children.

I'm not even sure who I am and what I want out of life. I think I'm finally having my mid-life crisis.

Also, I'm overwhelmed by the huge list of things I need to do. There are dozens and dozens of tasks that I need to accomplish and I can't get a handle on how to even begin.

Fortunately, my parents are great role models for me. They still have a great marriage, so I know that not all men are jerks and a good marriage can be possible. After raising her kids, my mom made a fulfilling new life for herself. She took on the care of her MIL and then her own mother in the last few years of their lives. After my dad retired, he started a hobby that has been a small money-maker and very fulfilling for him.

I just feel like right now I'm spinning around in circles with no direction in my life.

Wow Kirby, I can relate, as I'm sure a lot of others who have gone before us have as well.

I too feel like I'm going through my own mid life crisis. I've changed cars, soon will be leaving the house we made a home together. I'll be learning a different job. Just started school again. The divorce is just starting, and it can feel overwhelming at times. I get it. Where to start. I do that all the time. I feel the best when I actually do "start" and get things done. Take a break, start again.....

I cannot wait to get this divorce behind me. I love my husband, the one I know is in there, but this mean person who he has become can't leave me fast enough. I find myself just wanting to pick up everything and go far, far away. But I won't. My kids are here.

How long did it take you to come to a settlement with your husband. Was it hard working with him on the settlement?



I know the roller coaster of emotions is normal. I've read several books, and tons of stories every where, and it's all pretty much the same grieving process for all of us, with the ups and downs. I have them too, just like you've described. I am finding that it gradually shifts from all bad and a little good, to less bad and more good, and in time, it'll be all good, and some bad that will fade. As long as I know it will get better in time, I'm good with that. I think to myself, ok, this is normal. I accept that I have these crappy down feelings, who wouldn't, and just sit with them, grieve them, and cry it out and let it go. I'm better after that, until I discover something else (a loss of some kind) and the process repeats until there's nothing left to grieve.

Time? I've got that. I'm not fearing my age, because I'm enjoying the ride, if you can believe that. I've felt the surrealness of it all, but choose to find it interesting, instead of scary. That excites me, and propels me forward.



This right here....if you can figure out what will make you come alive, you will be on your way to happiness. Stop and fantasize about what you would love to do and entertain those thoughts. What would your ideal life look like?

It was pretty easy because of the way we did it. We did mediation at the accountant's office with the head of the firm as the go-between. My WstbXH and his lawyer were in one conference room and I was in another with my lawyer. By the time it was over, we were using three different rooms because the lawyers & accountant were going to a different room to "discuss" the issues with each other before reporting back to the clients.

If we had tried to do it face-to-face it would have never worked out. Fortunately, neither lawyer was the kind to try to keep the billable hours up. They just were trying to help us get it done.



This is what I need to do. I've not had the freedom to think about what *I* would like to do in years and years. I guess I need to take some time to do this. Maybe I should go to somewhere away from it all and think about my life.

I would love not to have to be in the same room as my STBXH during mediation. The way you two did it, sounds great. Maybe I will check into that.

Was there some kind of awkward encounter with you ex at the mediation? Do you sign the divorce papers in your own attorney's office? Has there been any kind of closure for you yet, or do you think that might come when you sign the papers?

Going away to think sounds great. I'd love to go somewhere after the divorce just to rest and not think, lol. Due to funds I'm dreaming here, but a cruise with friends and my kids, a drink pass, and some hot guys to play with, would be just the ticket.

I feel like I'm being forced to make all these big decisions lately and I'm tired of thinking about it all. But I could certainly see myself feeling rested and invigorated after some time away to have some inspired thinking. That would probably be good for you to do soon.

If you could go away, where would you go? I love planning trips, so that would put me in a good mood.

Kirby, I wanted to go back to this...



We know that's the rollercoaster. I think I will get pretty sad during the mediation stage as well. I mean, it's all hammering out the reality of your lost dreams. I can imagine it would feel surreal.

I get really sad when I think about us not being together when my daughter has our first grandchild, or attending my son's wedding together, or ordering another set of crystal glasses for our anniversary. I dreamed of us traveling together. Me getting a great job and him learning to fly, or whatever other dream he had. It can feel like such a loss, those dreams. But, he's not the only person on the planet I can share those things with.

I use to be able to feel lonely in a crowed room. Now, I try to enjoy what is happening in the moment I'm in, with whoever I'm with, and I've made some really great connections that I never would have made had I chosen to live in the past, or always fearing or feeling something else negative.



Ditto. I think my husband had/has boatloads of resentment towards me, for most of our marriage, which I believe made it impossible to build any kind of love threshold balance with him. Why do you think he was never happy?

There was not any kind of awkward meeting when the mediation was over. They purposefully kept him there longer and gave me time to get out of the building before they told him that I'd agreed to the final offer.

My lawyer will draft the final agreement and I'll sign it in her office.

Closure. . . I'm not sure when that will be. I think it will be more like baby steps towards closure. There will be the day when I sign the agreement. The day that it is filed in the courts. The day when the judge signs it. The day I get my share of the marital assets. I'll continue to have some contact with my WstbXH because of the kids, but I don't think it will be much.

He has really alienated the kids by the way he treated them during the marriage and after the separation. The two oldest are refusing to have anything to do with him right now. The two youngest saw him for a few hours on Christmas Day, but before that it had been a couple of months.


It's such a cliche, but I think I'd like to go to the beach. I wouldn't want to go all the way to south Florida, though. It would be too crowded. I love the beach in the off season when nobody's there.

Nice. I like the idea of slipping out of the mediation without an awkward encounter.

Yes, I can see the closure in the baby steps you describe. Ugh. I suppose I will have to mentally prepare for that, even though no matter how much I do that, the body will MAKE you feel it. How do you plan to handle those moments when those succesive steps happen?

Ah, the kids. I hate to say that again, I can relate to the strained relationships between the kids and your stbx. Same here. Sadly, my son told me last night that he can't stand him, and my daughter thinks he's creepy and doesn't want to have anything to do with him either. They're young adults. They've always had strained relationships as well. I always thought it was because they weren't his bio children. He is their stepdad, and has been since they were 5 and 6 yrs old. I hate it. Kids will always need their Mom and Dads, and they don't respect him, so they'll miss out on having that guidance a loving father could give them as they mature. It's so sad to me.

I can't sleep. It's almost 3:30 am here.

And guess where "here" is? Northeast Florida.

I'm about 45 mins from the beaches. When ya coming?

If I find the time, I'll end up over on the Gulf side. It's closer.

I understand about not sleeping. I've BTDT too many nights.

As far as your kids, the problem is not that your ex isn't the bio dad. The problem is that he's not a nice guy. I've known several women who say that their bio dad is a POS, but claim their step-father as the "real" Dad in the situation.

How to handle the baby steps? I dunno. I'll just have to endure them as they come and then take time to recover as they go by.

I will say that going to DivorceCare is the single best thing I've done to help me through the emotions of my divorce. It's been good to talk to other people and find out that it's normal to cry a lot and not sleep and waffle between overeating and not being able to eat. I see that all these other wonderful, caring people have gone through a divorce and survived intact. They are moving on instead of dwelling in the past. They are healing from the pain, and it helps to know that I can, too. It's a good thing.