When he agreed to NC, how did he say he would be letting her know? Surely he intends to let her know that he isn't going to be her "best friend" anymore?

BTW I am concerned that he uses his anger to control you. You shouldn't ever be in a situation where you are afraid to approach him about things for fear of his anger. If that is the situation, then you have another set of problems on your hands.

He hasn't said how he was going to let her know. We did talk a little about the NC Letter today. I told him that I understand why he is depressed and asked if there was anything I could do to help. He started talking about the NC, saying he doesn't understand why since she has nothing to do with his A. He also brought up the fact that they made a promise to each other and he has broken it. I did tell him that I understood but he had also made a vow to me. He replied that he knows that and he would rather have me in his life but he is just having a hard time. I suggested that he write her a NC Letter. He is thinking about what to put in it.

He has never physically harmed me but there have been times in our marriage where I have been scared of him. Since we have started rebuilding our marriage we have talked about how his screaming, getting in my face, and punching a hole in the bedroom door scares me. He has been doing a great job of controling his temper since our talk. I guess I am still shell shocked from 3 years of him behaving like that.

Have you asked him to go to anger management? It sounds like he needs it...

I am really concerned about his ability to stick to NC with this woman and about his willingness to protect the marriage and institute EPs. Unless he really believes he needs to put these things into place, any changes he is agreeing to will likely be temporary.

I know you said $$ was an issue but I would advise you to get coaching with the Harleys and to watch him like a hawk. You have been advised about the VAR/GPS already.

Keep up your Plan A as well. Hang in there!

I have suggested Anger Management Classes. He took them as a teen and doesn't feel like they didn't help him. He feels like they didn't help then they won't help now. He has been doing better with acting out the anger.



This concerns me too. He just doesn't understand how his A has anything to do with me "demanding" he end all contact with his friend of 20 years. He keeps telling me that if his friend was a male I wouldn't be asking him to go NC.




I will be getting my inheirtance in a few weeks, I can't think of a better way to invest some of the money than investing it in our marriage. As soon as the money comes in I will set up a session with the Harleys.

I am Plan Aing my behind off. He is doing his best to meet my ENs. I think I need to do some more clairification on my ENs since he thought it was a debate instead of and informational discussion.

We had another discussion last night.

He says that it is really hard for him to let go of someone who has been like a sister to him for 20 years. He also said that he does not feel like he can talk to me honestly about his feelings when it comes to her.

I suggested that he come here and post so that he can get some help. His main concern is that what he has read here doesn't fit into what he did (his words not mine). He keeps telling me that he understands that he had an A with OW1 but he never wanted her. He enjoyed talking to her, laughing and joking with her. BUT he never wanted her sexually. He thought she was the crazy one because she asked him for "pictures" and a video. He says that they only had phone sex once and she had to tell him what to say. Oh and he never got aroused when they would talk/exchange pictures or videos. He has told me time and time again that he didn't realize it was an affair until he recieved the letter from her asking him to leave me for her.

Based on his feelings he doesn't see how the affair affects his friendship with his female friend.

I am about ready to give up!!

Statements I have heard this week:

"You won't let me have any friends."

My reply, "You can have as many friends as you want as long as they are not female and are friends of the marriage."

"You get everything the way you want it. I agreed to let you paint the livingroom any color you want it."

My reply, "We compromised on this. You agreed to let me paint any color if you could put the wood on the ceiling like you wanted. So how is this me getting my way?"

Is this still fog talk or is this just him? I am begining to think that he is selfish and not marriage material.

Any advice?

Newest Update:

HE isn't sure this marriage is going to work because I'm not meeting his EN. Oh and I can't be his friend because he can't talk to me about his feeling about the A and his female best friend.

All we have done this past week is argue. One of our mutual friends was here recouping from a surgery, so she got to witness it all. We both did some major love busting...including him calling me a sl@t and me throwing a can of soda at him. I don't know who was more shocked by the soda, me, him or our friend. I have never in my adult life done anything like that. I instantly appologized. Prior to that he left the house and almost got arrested because he was sitting on the side of the road yelling and screamming at me over the phone.

I don't like the person I am becoming lately. He has told me that if I leave that is the end of us, there will be no working things out between us.

He has been depressed ever since this argument last Sunday. He hardly speaks to me, although he did take me to the Doctor yesterday because I have strep-throat.

Please help...I am at my wits end.

Nothing has really changed in the last few weeks. He has spent all his spare time working on building a deck on the house so that his Great Aunt can move in with us.

We have spent very little time together and when we have there hasn't been much said.

We have been reading SAA together. I knew it was a bad idea but he got upset when I started reading it without him. He keeps telling me what I should be doing according to SAA. He also says that the bood really doesn't apply to him because he wasn't in an affair like the people in the book. His affair wasn't as bad as the examples (his words). He is still telling me that the affair wasn't as bad as what I think it was. He feels like I think there was more to the A than there really was. I have repeated back to him what he has told me happened and he says that I have that part right but he feels like I think he wanted to leave me for OW#1. I have told him that I knew he didn't want to leave me for her or he wouldn't be here with me.

So here we are almost a year from DD and things are just a little bit better than they were prior to DD. Is this normal?

The last few days have been getting better.

We have been able to talk about things without LBing. We even had a disagreement that did not turn into a free for all. After the drink can incident he threated to throw one back at me. I told him to go ahead, he could beat the sh@t out of me, knock me down and kick me to death, but he couldn't hurt me any more than he already has. I think the light bulb went on them.

I think finally he has come to the realization of how bad his A has hurt me. We seem to be getting closer now and trying harder to meet each others ENs. I still sometimes have the feeling of "when is the other shoe going to drop". But am dealing with it better than I have.

When does the rollercoaster ride end?

It seems like we take 5 steps forward and 3 steps back. Things are ok between us. We still have communication problems but they are we are getting better (at times).

It is still hard to meet his EN and he is way off mark if he is tring to meet mine. I think that part of our problem is that we have been so busy remodeling the house so that is great-aunt can move in with us that we have been negelecting us. We are almost finished with the remodeling and then we will have to try to schedule out UA time not only based around his job but also based around taking care of a wonderful 96 yo with dementia.

We are doing better at not having AOs but still need to work on disrespectful judements. He has agreed to a lifetime of NC with OW#2!!! She does still try to contact him every few months even after a NC Letter was sent. On the bright side he agreed to have her blocked from his phone so she can't contact him anymore.

I find myself falling back in love with my FWH slowly but surely.

I want to think all of you for all of your help getting us where we are today. I know some of you felt like I wasn't listening but I was listening.

Wounded, how is OW able to still contact him? Would he be willing to post here? I am concerned because it sounds like you're 'getting back to business as usual' with your marriage. Have the two of you changed the conditions that led to his affairs?

She sent a text but our carrier causght it before the text came through but his phone showed it was from her number before it caught it. Confused...so am I. The good thing is he told me the moment it happened and I didn't get upset.

We were talking just the other day about how since we have started the remodeling we have been short with each other. We both realize it is because we haven't been spending as much UA time together. We are going to correct that problem this week.

My view - His poor boundries are what lead to the affair along with me withdrawing (due to his yelling). He has put some boundries in place to keep him from having another affair. We are still working on meeting each others EN. He hasn't raised his voice since our argument on 10/13.

His View - The affair happened because I spent alot of time on the computer and he didn't see anything wrong with having female friends. Now he understands that female friends can be a threat to our marriage unless we are both friends with them. He doesn't spend any time alone with any females besides his Mom, Great Aunt and my DD. I don't go on the computer when he is home unless we are both researching a topic. He doesn't go on the computer unless I am sitting beside him.

I have been trying to get him to post here for nearly a year. He refuses to do so because he says his situation is different because he wasn't going to leave me for her, he didn't love her and he didn't realize what he was doing was wrong (although he now realizes).

I will ask him again for the last time.

My FWH said the same thing - he had no intention of leaving me. It's so funny, how they can build up expectations and emotions with another person, and lead that person to believe they're going to run away and be together forever, when they intend nothing of the kind. That's a wayward for you, though. Just mentioning that to let you know that your WH isn't different or special in any way. He's just...a WH working on earning his 'F'.

I wouldn't badger him to post here. Just make sure you're working the concepts with him. Some people aren't 'posters.' That's not a make or break for your recovery.

Maritalbliss,

Thank you so much for the encouragement. We have started reading together again and I have changed my behavior the last couple of days. He asked me if I was ok. lol I have been trying to act happier and do things for him that I had slacked up on doing.
It has had an affect on his behaviour.

I think we have been in a state of conflict and withdrawal for so long that we are both scared to open ourselves up to more hurt. No to mention that we are both very sturborn.

I just pray that we can get back where we need to be in our relationship.

How would you react it your husband got a call from his ex-wife(who cheated on him) telling him that her grandmother is on her death bed.

One of the first things that came to mind is how did she have his number? They have no kids together so why would she need his number.

Then he got upset when he asked me to go to the furneral home with him and I told him that I don't think I can handle it yet. It has been less than a year since my Mom passed and it is the same furneral home. He told me that he would just go by himself to which I replied that I didn't feel comfortable with that. Not only is this his ex-wife's family (they were married 5 years) but the last time he was around his ex-wife's family her aunt hit on him.

This discussion ended up in Divorce talk yet again.

Am I being unreasonable?

No you are not being unreasonale, this kind of stuff needs to be poja'd and if he doesn't understand that then he does not respect you.

Thank you for reassuring me that I am not being unreasonable. We have been reading about poja and he still doesn't get it. He sees our brain storming as arguing or debating. How can I help him see that it isn't either one but us it is us trying to come to an agreement?

Why is he going to the funeral home?? Tell him to plant a tree, make a donation to Grandma's favorite cause or something else. Anything else. He should not go to the funeral home - or the funeral.

Have you told him your feelings why you do not want him to go? I know u mentioned the aunt flirting but have u really told him ur feelings?

I told him that I didn't feel comfortable with him going alone since I know we are not suppose to bring up the affair. He kept asking why so i told him that with our past history I didn't feel comfortable with it. His reply was, Because of my affair? Is that going to affect the rest of our lives?