Just one question - what happens when I can him and say my speech and he agrees to all of it?

What do I do then? Do I go meet him?

NO!! Tell him to work on a plan for recovery and when you get back you can sit down and discuss it. TELL HIM YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS SLOWLY. Be very guarded.

If he is serious, he will wait until you come back. My concern about you seeing him today is that he wants to get a fix before you go so he can have fun while you are gone.

When you get back, see what his plan is for recovery and ask how he knows he is ready. What are his plans to ensure to YOU that there are no OW in his life?

Remain very guarded and say that it is not that you do not care, but that you just want to ease into R.

Slow and cautious.

Yup Yup and Yup

When?

Ok just come off the phone with H. This is kind of how it went but the main messages are there...

H: Hello - Do you fancy grabbing a bite to eat later?

Me: I still stand by the text message I sent before Christmas, that there is no point meeting unless it is to talk about a plan to build the marriaege.

H: Oh ok (sounded very disappointed).

Me: Unless you want to meet up and talk about how we recover the marriage then I do not want to meet up, I don't see the point. I have met up with you before and it has not gone anywhere and I am not doing it anymore.

H: Ok I understand, but there does not seem any point talking about that until after you get back from holiday. The last holiday you went on (india he was refering to where the affair started) you changed your mind.

Me: Well I have been consistent in wanting to recover the marriage for a year now so I am not going to make a change in 1 week

H: OK I think we should talk after your holiday though, as then we both sit down and agree how to move forward properly and there is nothing in the way.

Me: I agree there is no point meeting before I go on holiday but you need to use this time to think about your plans to recover the marriage and you also need to think how you are going to assure me that there are no OW in your life?

H: Ok I understand. OK then well, have a nice time then...Take care won't you (he sounded teary)

Me: OK I will, bye.

OK I did the best I could, I thought i did pretty well considering. He is stalling, he is not ready. There were lots of silences, he really doesn't know what to say or do, he wasn't prepared for that.

Why is he stalling? He just needed his fix right

She should have given him the letter already yep. But now her integrity will be challenged if she doesn't give to him now.

He will see any polite communication she might have with him on the phone as acceptance of what he wants to act like, and the Plan B letter will make him feel torpedoed, again.

If she could just boldy walk up to him and say one sentence and hand him the letter, that sentence should be..

"Look I still love you, and in time we can work it all out, but I just can't and refuse to talk about it at the moment. Here is a letter from my heart, take it and read it and then we will talk if you agree with it. I still need time alone as you do also. I can see you are doing better, I am too. Lets go to our own corners and do some more thinking OK? I am going to one way or another. Talk to my Intermediary contact if you want to know anything appropiate about me and after you process the letter otherwise don't text me, call me, drive by, or interupt my peace unless you are bleeding and in the hospital. I wont contact you either. Lets give each other that respect OK?"

His suspicions could drive him batty and he could react, but if you could pull this off in a public place and then just leave with a smile and a quick hug, a scene would be avoided and the letter re-enforces your resolve, and love Harm.


Who could be your IM? You need one. I would offer my services if I thought it appropiate because you need one so bad, but I would only be temporary at best. The best would be a woman allready married who knows your sitch and has been coached on how to IM. He needs to be able to contact you, but face to face is to dangerous.

Don't be to proud in this, you know what that will get you. Find an IM

You did well. Get the letter to him and get an IM.

OK I have put the letter in the letter box, even though I have been transfering his post, he still comes to the house like he did today.

Hmm, is there any hope?

Is this normal procedure for WS reaction to Plan B...?

Hang in there! You have alot of people here supporting you.

It sounded like he was reasonable, emotionally effected, but wary about your Holiday and he does not know the work your doing, or the progress you have made.

He wants a fix, and its you, not just a domestic, the way it used to be, at least it seems he really wants to work it out, but doesn't have a plan. I think you should give him the books from Dr H to read after you give him the letter,(Which you have no way of knowing if and when he accually got them), ah well, certified mail was my suggestion.
The books would help him understand what happened, and see what a plan looks like, so he had something to look forward to. Heck he might be very gung ho about it. He needs to see it for himself still.

He is stalling because he doesn't trust you, or a plan, just like you didn't trust the plan B at first, or probably us either. Its normal. He will need the plan next.

Did you catch that he said , "after the holiday and there is nothing in the way"? Sounds like he wants it fixed, but doesn't know how, and he sees separation as a problem. He has the ability to respond.

You still have to deal with your fears of entrapment back into the marriage too Harm. Staying dark is part of that also.

Trust in the plan.

Get an IM

TTYL

Giving him the books after giving him the Plan B letter would be yet another break in plan B.

yeah sure, good point Scotland.

letter is waiting for him.

thank you all.

I haven't even read the last 5 pages just wanted to say good luck you will never change, he will never change, and you will never recover your marriage.

I'm out.

See ya

@Harmony2010 -

Is there anyway that Harmony's Wayward (HW) can recognize you from your screen name. If so change soonest.

Did google search: marriage recovery

2nd link is How to Survive Infidelity

no I dont think so Clark...don't think he has come into this forum before, thanks anyway.

see ya

It's the #1 search result for "coping with infidelity." That's how I landed here.

Also "infidelity and overcoming resentment."

Harmony, I thought you were gonna quit having a piss-poor plan B this year?

Darken up again!

Ms. Harmony,

Just my h/o now, but I honestly think that you are and have been for the last few weeks allowing yourself to be molly-coddled by some of the people here. That is meant not to be disrespect for those who have responded to you here. It is directed at you. Of course people are going to be concerned about you and what you are going thru, but God in Heaven Ms. Harm, you cannot go willy-nilly back and forth and continuing to expect others to cater to you and your indecision! This is probably one of the most important decisions in your life and you seem to be willy-nilly treating it as an on-going day-to-day soap opera. I have no doubt you love your H, but either you are in a Plan B or you are not. Either you have respect for yourself, and a healthy respect to challenge yourself from this point forward or you don't. Either you hold to the high standards you have stated for a reconciliation or you don't.

I will state frankly, in my layman's terms, that the disagreement I had with Just Learning, which now includes Constant, is that you can babble and psychoanalyze all day long and you will get no farther than you are now. As much as I do respect Constant and his life situation, and his comments on other threads, I truely believe that some people can unwittingly cause others to become dependent - to the point of wavering in their puspose and questioning their motives. That is where I see you now. Having the convresation with your H that you did, whether thru a window or otherwise, and then inviting him to call you and worrying about what to say to him has most likely set you back several weeks regarding your decision to enter a PLan B and your attempt to save your M. As a guy, I would interpret that as the woman finally giving in - a free ride - things are back to normal with no consequences or no regrets! Believe me, I have had this attitude with my W at times and sometimes it worked. Did I feel better or that I did the right thing? No. Juat that I won at that moment. Of course, your will be tempted to babble about this for the next week or so to anyone who will listen.

Okay, Ms. Harm, harsh yes. A 2 x 4. yes and a big one. No skin off my a$$ if a month from now you are in the same position you are now. Except simply that I care about you as a human being believe it or not. There is the provincial story about Vince Lombardi, who was a former coach of the Green Bay Packers, being so pi$$ed off after his team lost a game that in the following team meeting he sarcastically held a football up when he spoke to his players and said: "gentlemen, this is a football". The players knew excactly what he was doing - both ridiculing their poor efforts in the game they lost and also challenging them. They had 'played down' to their oppenent and lost. Please don't play down to your H and lose.

Well, Ms. Harm I think I better move on from here to other purposes as sometimes this site is pretty frustrating and I am not the most kind and politically correct person in the world.

My best wishes and good luck to you.

Tom

Does anyone think with me that WH is showing progress, but should have some of the materials presented here. I mean for Harmony and his sake in a plan and also communication.

DoNoMo had great success after his wife read SAA and Fall in love, Stay in love.

True Scotty that would be breaking Plan B, Maybe her IM,(did you get one yet Harm? Come on Gurl!) could have the titles and sources available if he wants contact and doesn't know what to do next. Does that work for everybody?

Ok Tom, I really appreciate your wisdom. and reading about your history has been impressive, but jeez, she is still unstable and her mind is racing back and forth all over. Sorry if you see me as "molly-coddling" her Sir. I am just attempting to understand while at the same time give her different perspectives.

"molly-coddling", did you know my grandfather? No disrespect Tom. I know what you mean.

As far as pysco-babble I am sure she is doing the "analyisis dance" in her head anyway. I have been after Harm to get in a dark plan B forever now. I may be a hand-holder but I am confidant she needs some of that along with patience to figure out her sitch. Telling her to "hurry up" is exactly what might drive her to "give up". She is nervous and anxious but she still loves her husband and He She. I am not confused in this I'm certain.

So Harm please get an IM. Can you do this? Please tell me if you haven't allready what your plans for one are.

You did awesome today in your phone convo. Now you can go Dark for awhile. Get ready for the part of the ride where you realize after he wants to work on the marriage that maybe you don't want to anymore. That is normal too. It will pass also.

Don't be discouraged by Saphs comment,(OMG there I go mottle-coddling again), you are doing well. Hopefully in a short time you wont need to read my long posts anymore or be here so much because you and H will be working on recovery. Thats my hope, no matter how obsessed I seem to be in helping you, I would rather see you recovered. I can find another poster to help if I need to,(Poor them lol) and you will be checking in with H I hope also occasionally.

Truth is I was elated by your progress today and a tear came to my eye. It inspiring to see what must seem to you forever and then a spark of life both thru your WH reaction, and your clarity on what you want.

Get an IM, then you will have done the right thing towards recovery. the big things still need time apart for you two to both proccess before you do the face to face. I am convinced you are still both afraid of each other. You both need a dream and a plan. An agreed upon plan, a joint plan.