I am just sitting at home crying my eyes out. Going to meet a friend for a short time to get some air and do something that doesn't make me think about this for a short time.

I guess he doesn't mind things like bowling, playing pool but he likes playing against someone good and I'm not:S, a challenge I guess. Other things are watching movies, skiing. He's not a sports person or anything. So working out is the most physical thing we do. He prefer mental things for the most part which is why the card games and such.

I am just upset because he told me wants a divorce when we go back to our home country for a few weeks (this trip is happening in 4 months). He doesn't see it working out but he might consider staying with me another year if I continue this contract. If he divorces me I am not staying here (not as a threat but I would want to be around my friends and family). He has been so set that we will fail this week and there is no love and there never will be....

It breaks my heart.

I am assuming he knows about the affair? Well, you must stop contact with that individual and start focusing on your marriage. Good place to star! Once that is done I would try to understand your husband�s needs and really roll up your sleeves and start working on making him desire you again, which is going to take time. You have betrayed his trust and love, I would think he feels pretty hurt right now, so I can�t blame him for not wanting to try. I am sure you had your reasons for having the affair, but that is a big no no in a marriage and in the future you should find ways to communicate to your hubby what needs you have and how he can meet them effectively. Good luck!

LL, please stay on your original thread. It makes it easier for the posters to follow your story.

He knows. He knew a week after it happened. I have not contacted that person since a day after d-day. Total no contact was 1 week after that when he sent me a message and I had a friend tell him to never contact again.

We did the EN questionnaire over a month ago. He wanted honesty/openeness, space/time, conversation, respect. He knows what my needs are and said affection just isn't going to happen. He never was comfortable with a whole lot of affection but he gave me some before but now he doesn't want to give any as he cares even less about the relationship than before.

I mean he asked for a divorce, is telling me there is no hope for us and he doesn't want to try. He did want to try even a month ago, maybe not 100% but now it's nothing. He just says we are good friends and that he cares about me in a friend manner.

How to save a marriage when the other person wants it to be doomed...

I hit the notify...hoping they will delete this one soon.

I don't think it is definitely over. I think at least you can show him your commitment if you two are still around each other. Try and find something that interests you both and make a point of doing it regularly together. Part of my problem was my H had very different interests from me and I resented him when he'd do them because I was so unhappy with myself for my own personal reasons. I took it out on him and made him unhappy and made it hard for him to do his things. I am trying to take interest now but it may be too late because he may not let me. You should find something your H likes and get into it with him.

Also, couples time that doesn't focus on the "problem" could be good.

Good luck. Keep posting!

Thank you everyone for any advice you have. I guess i feel like I have hit rock bottom.

I went and even bought a chess board to attempt to try a new game. I never played chess but know that my husband has played it, maybe not the best but that we could play together and challenge each other mentally.

The thing he used to love about me was my personality. But he feels like he doesn;t know me or can trust me or be open with me. He just says I am friend:( I really hope that will change. That it is not too late.

Tonight he told me is willing to stay married for one more year even though he doesn't see me as his wife:( He said that he told a close friend that he doesn't think it will work but that I am still trying (not we are still trying:(

I want some hope but I don't know anymore:( What if there is nothing I can do? I have been reading other threads and such but don't feel confident anymore:S

I am so sorry that your husband is not willing to stay married and work on it, it sounds like your husband made a decision and I doubt waiting a year will fix things, I'm just worried that he'll have an revenge A and make things more worse!

My mother in law said this to me after I apologized to her when I had cheated on her son.

"You can always choose your actions, but you can never choose the consequences."

Good luck.

LL, this is still pretty early in recovery. Take it slow. And let him take it slow. Of course he didn't say "we" - he's feeling pretty disconnected from you at the moment.

Just do the best you can do for today. Don't worry about tomorrow or next year. Those days will come soon enough. Today is what you need to deal with. Just be the best wife you can be today.

Thank you for all the support and information and insight.

I am trying to take it one day at a time but sometimes I fear the worst.

I am just scared as I have said before. He says he wants a divorce and he's telling his friend that he doesn't see it working out (which I worry will be a self fulling prophecy) He told his friend we were getting a divorce....that can't be a good sign...he's stepped out and away from me emotionally:(

I just set an appointment request with Harley although I can only afford 2 sessions.

Stop looking at this in a negative way. He hasn't filed for D, right? He hasn't moved out, right? He's engaging with you, right?

Of course he's stepped away from you emotionally. That's normal for a betrayed spouse.

Thanks for the positive light on things.

He hasn't filed it, but was thinking about doing it when we went back home for a couple of weeks. I managed to get to say he'll hold off for another year and see, at least give me a fair chance at trying. He hasn't moved out physically. He does spend a lot of time with me at home and is willing to watch things with me and play cards games and such.

Sorry I don't know what is normal and what's not. I just didn't expect him to ask for a divorce and set a time.

You cannot control him, LL. All you can do is control yourself. Keep doing what you've been doing. If he still decides he must go, you'll know you've done your best.

FWIW, I don't think he means it. I just think he's hurting.

I know I can't control him. I have read the 7 habits of highly effective people. You can only hope that through yourself you can have an influence on others as you can't control their thoughts or feelings but you can influence them.

Thanks again for the words of encouragement, I really need it in this time.

Be genuine, loving, and caring toward him (hopefully that means to just be yourself.) He may say many negative things when he is feeling low, so just expect that. Hang in there!

That's what I have been trying to do. To be considerate, to have pleasant conversations to not start fights. I sometimes cuddle him in the mornings even though he doesn't return it...which is fine. I try not to be overly affectionate as he never really cared for it much. I make him breakfast if I get up before him, etc.

It just is difficult because it feels like he has checked out of the relationship completely.

However, he said maybe if I could find a counselor we could go to one here if I could find an English speaking one. I would much prefer Harley but he doesn't want phone, etc. So I've been trying to find a good one that will try and help us fall back in love and get him to open up...Any thoughts on this?

How do I contact Dr. Harley to see if they will answer my question on the radio or something?

Sorry this is the place I come to journal as well.

It was a little awkward yesterday morning for me. My husband gave me some affection and it ended up leading to sex. He initiated all of it as I haven't been (I don't want to feel pushy). I only sleep close to him or against him. This was the second time we've had sex this week since talk of divorce. But this time, part ways through he stopped after he looked at me. It was awkward and I felt rejected. But I didn't want to pry as he thinks we're still headed for divorce. Is this normal?

I have been quite pleasant towards him and he's been to me as well. We did different activities this weekend like playing cards, he helped me hang up my paper cranes (I am trying to make 1000 cranes).

Also, we talked about counseling. He was willing to give it a try even though he isn't a big fan of them in general. We were going to go in the next week or two. In the end, we are putting it off for 1-4 months as he thinks it's a waste of time and money right now when only one of us is trying. (reading too much or maybe he thinks there is a small chance of change?) He still thinks we're headed for a divorce, but I have 16 months before that should happen. Also, before he had mentioned he doesn't like being pushed into things he doesn't want to do so I thought if he was willing to give it a try in the future it was better than nothing.

Right now I am trying not to love bust. I am showing him that I care through small actions, humor, conversations and helping him with his studies. I am also giving his space and not pushing him about this relationship and making him talk about negative things (ie relationship). He says talking about it makes him unhappy and that he is unhappy in this relationship.

Any advice? Sorry for all the posts, I just kind of feel alone in the relationship at times and being in a foreign country...

You and H did not really HAVE an open marriage.
It was your H's big fantasy that he thought would never happen.
Basically, he played a game of chicken with you, and you BOTH lost.

Anywho ....
Here is a *** LINK *** to my favorite post by Star*Fish on the topic.

Tell me what you think after you read it.

Based on this


I think you're doing OK.

HANG IN THERE.