1. When you found that your spouse cheated, did you end up falling out of love with them? If so, when did the love return? Were there stretches of time where you felt there was no love towards the WS?
2. Did you ever feel like giving up? Did you give up? What made you want to work it out/stay?
3. Did you go to counseling/coaching?
4. Were you receptive to your spouse's apologies, attempts to work out it out and trying to meet your EN?
5. Did your sex life suffer? Was it awkward to have sex for a while?
6. What did your WS do to help you understand that he/she realized the errors made, and would do anything to help you recover?
7. How did your WS demonstrate his/her remorse, and total commitment to helping you heal?
8. What things were helpful in the recovery process? (Actions, words, affection, etc)

Sorry I am just looking for some insight. Any answers are greatly appreciated.

1. It is very difficult to describe what I did feel regarding "love" feeling. I think the immediate reaction was the feeling of losing something very important. As usual, we do magically want something right from the moment when we have lost it :-). Real love started to return in a year after D-Day.

2. Yes. No. All other options were not feasible.

3. No

4. Yes. But you have to be consistent and sincere, one apology will be not enough.

5. Initially: hysterical bonding. But sex life suffered later (comparing hysterical bonding) and yes, it was awkward but not always.


You are still in the very beginning. Not even 6 months from D-Day. There will be anger periods around 6 months and around a year when your BH is so angry that for him it is difficult to speak to you.

But it all shall pass when the amount of pleasant memories will overcome the bad ones.

Thank you for your response.

I did not immediately fall of of love. I felt a sense of tremendous loss. I fell out of love afterwards, when the reality of the situation started to set in and I came to accept that she was not the person I M'd. Currently, while I love her, I'm not in love with her. I know, I know, sounds quite wayward-like, but I'm not wayward and have no plans to be wayward. Perhaps how I feel now is as a result not only of her choice to have an A, but also of how badly our recovery has gone.



Many times. Not yet. Going requires more effort than staying.



No. She has refused counseling, and at this point I couldn't be bothered.



Her first apologies were of the "false" type (e.g. "I'm sorry you were hurt", rather than "I'm sorry that I hurt you", and angered me more than anything else . It took her a while to actually apologize to me in a way that actually resembled a true apology. And yes, she has tried to meet some of my ENs, the ones she believes are important.



Our sex life suffered for a brief while, then got significantly better when the "hysterical bonding" set in, then went back to almost nothing after about two years or so. As most of the time now I don't actually WANT to have sex with her (while that may be due to changes in my needs, it's also difficult to find almost constant bitching and fault-finding attractive), it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

I can imagine the need you feel right now for a feeling of "hope" for the recovery of your marriage, and asking these types of questions of folks who are farther along the betrayal/exposure/recovery continuum may provide some comfort for you.

There will likely not be unanimity in any answer, and even if there were, I hope you know that trying to apply that "norm" to any one situation is not advisable. If 73% of your responders say "yes" to a question, and your BS continues to answer "no", please be ready to accept that for 100% of your universe the answer remains, legitimately, "no". It's not his failure, or tardiness, or problem, that he cannot now conform to what the average BS answers.

There is also a huge bias on this site towards participation by the BS's who had massively strong tendencies toward saving their marriages. Their pre-A relationships might have been better that the usual, their personal commitment toward the vows they made might have been more ironclad, their vision of the need to repair the breach could have been more immediate because of children, etc. The point is that THE VAST MAJORITY of BS's never (unfortunately) find the need to find this site and agree to do the work to create a stronger union.

In their absence, therefore, you're not going to see adequate numbers of responses as:
1. When you found that your spouse cheated, did you end up falling out of love with them? If so, when did the love return?
Yes. It never did.
2. Did you ever feel like giving up? Did you give up? What made you want to work it out/stay?
Yes, yes, nothing, decided on divorce.
3. Did you go to counseling/coaching?
No
4. Were you receptive to your spouse's apologies, attempts to work out it out and trying to meet your EN?
No
5. Did your sex life suffer? Was it awkward to have sex for a while?
It ended, never to return.

Remember also, the decision by your BS to attempt to recover is a massive, incalculably valuable GIFT to you. When a donor make a $$ gift to a library, it's not likely that the donee canvasses other donors to determine if their "gift" matches up in quantity and delivery schedule with what other groups have received, and if their donor made a large enough gift in terms of what he had to give.

So if other peoples' experiences are going to be helpful, you should be looking to guide YOUR actions. In doing so, you're going to find that very soon, you should be asking the "What", and "How" questions. As in:

What did your WS do to help you understand that he realized the errors made, and would do anything to help you recover?

How did your WS demonstrate his remorse, and total commitment to helping you heal?

I would urge you to read the tracts available on this site, and, assuming your BS is on-board, start today using the M principles to refound your relationship.

For what it's worth, my answers are

1) No, No
2) No, No, Remembrance of my commitment to my vows
3) Yes
4) Yes
5) No, No

ETA: I just discovered that you have another thread active, and have been on this site for awhile, so you are more familiar with the value of the content of this site than I assumed in my answer. Most of the other stuff applies, however.

Hi there LL123,

1. when I found out I just felt so hurt and disappointed, I still loved my husband it was the hurt of thinking he wasn't in love with me, you can't love your spouse if you are having an affair........I think the lack of respect I felt was also a biggy, we had been together 27 years, I though I deserved more from him.....even if it was just because I was the mother of his children.......You leave if you are not happy, you don't intentional hurt someone else......
2. Of course every BS goes through that giving up period, the pain you feel is just so bad you want it to stop.....giving up gives you that. For me after 3 weeks of thinking about how my life would be and the fact that I was always taught to fight for what is yours, and in my gut I knew if I didn't try then I would always wonder, 27 years, a family and a life to me was worth a little more time to see if things could be fixed.
3. I go for IC, I was already going I have an illness to deal with as well, so it seemed natural to go and talk about the self esteem issues something like this does to you.........
4.I was grateful for my husband remorse and apologies....he did a complete turn around but it took a few months for him to come out of his affair fog and realize what he had done to our lives and our marriage vows. I think he would do just about anything now to make things right, but in reality our lives have changed forever and I still have a hard time thinking he means it, when you feel like you were replaced it's hard to understand how you still could be the one he wants.....but that is my issue.............
5.At first I had that hysterical bonding thing going on, sex was never an area we had difficulty with. That said I find myself with thought of did he do this with her, was it better, that kind of stuff...........but I just try to stay in the moment and that seems to work.....
I think if you are trying to work things out with your husband you have to just take your time with him and enjoy that, don't bring the past into it..........today and tomorrow is what I focus on..............

Thank you to those of you who have responded.

Yes, I am looking for some hope as well. Every day since last week, he talks about our relationship like it's going to end when the 16 months pass by. I am just wanting to know the answers to my questions and any other information that I can do to help my BS. I have read the MB site through the affair section and basic concepts. I have 2 of his books, His Needs/Her Needs and How to Survive an Affair.

1. When you found that your spouse cheated, did you end up falling out of love with them? If so, when did the love return?
*No, finding out actually made me sure about the love I have for.

2. Did you ever feel like giving up? Did you give up? What made you want to work it out/stay?
*Everyday a small part of me thinks about giving up.....even still. But love and his current self make me keep trying.

3. Did you go to counseling/coaching?
*Yes, we did mc for a few moths.

4. Were you receptive to your spouse's apologies, attempts to work out it out and trying to meet your EN?
*Pretty receptive...in fact in the first several months needed quite a bit and he was eagerly available.

5. Did your sex life suffer? Was it awkward to have sex for a while?
*No, we actually experienced hysterical bonding. It has since slowed way down.

6. What did your WS do to help you understand that he/she realized the errors made, and would do anything to help you recover?
*Lots and lots of talking. He often would answer the same questions over and over again. This is why 15-20 hrs is so important. Especially in the beginning.

7. How did your WS demonstrate his/her remorse, and total commitment to helping you heal?
*His willingness to do the hard work and help me deal with my pain.

8. What things were helpful in the recovery process? (Actions, words, affection, etc)
*All of the above!!!

You've received several good responses to your post but here are my answers for what they're worth.

1. When you found that your spouse cheated, did you end up falling out of love with them? If so, when did the love return?

No

2. Did you ever feel like giving up? Did you give up? What made you want to work it out/stay?

Yes. No. I couldn't see throwing away 26 years for a couple of mistakes on her part. It took several months to see it that way though.

3. Did you go to counseling/coaching?

Yes, counseling

4. Were you receptive to your spouse's apologies, attempts to work out it out and trying to meet your EN?

Yes

5. Did your sex life suffer? Was it awkward to have sex for a while?

Yes. Yes, it was alomsot impossible to have sex and not have those mental images pop into my head. But she was dealing with the same thing too and it always upset her to realize all over again what she had done.

6. What did your WS do to help you understand that he/she realized the errors made, and would do anything to help you recover?

Countless hours of talking and reading together.

7. How did your WS demonstrate his/her remorse, and total commitment to helping you heal?

Committing to the MB principals, establishing boundaries and new rules, and, again, hours and hours of talking.

8. What things were helpful in the recovery process? (Actions, words, affection, etc)

Actions were all that I was looking for at the time. She could say anything to just be saying it but I had to see actions. After several months the words began to mean something and the affection began to feel genuine and not forced.

Recon posted a very good comment above referring to memories. When the pleasant memories outnumber the bad ones you start to feel better about the whole situation. The length of time that takes is unique to each person and situation though.

We are at D-day + 3 days and my thoughts and feelings today are far different than they were even 6 months ago. I've managed to bring good memories and positive thoughts into my life again and now those outnumber the bad things by far.

Thank you for the replies so far.

I am hoping that day will happen soon where the good outweigh the bad and the love returns.

1. When you found that your spouse cheated, did you end up falling out of love with them? If so, when did the love return? Were there stretches of time where you felt there was no love towards the WS?

I did not "fall out of love" with him.
I fell out of respect. Instantaneously.
I fell into severe distaste of him within about a week.
I felt embarrassed and confused that I still felt love for H under the circumstances.





2. Did you ever feel like giving up? Did you give up? What made you want to work it out/stay?

Yes.
The desire to give up was usually when I felt overwhelmed by grief.
The decision to stay was incremental and conditional on HIS efforts.
I did not KNOW 100% I would stay married to him for a few years.
I'd say in my mind: "OK. I'll stay for 6 more months and then see where we are."


3. Did you go to counseling/coaching?

Yes.
H & I went to a marriage counselor recommended by our church Deacon.
This was BEFORE MB web site was begun.
So, we did our recovery without the benefit of this site.
I would have helped both of us to have MB.
So, there you are.


4. Were you receptive to your spouse's apologies, attempts to work out it out and trying to meet your EN?

I was not particularly receptive right away because I saw him as a liar and a fraud. No respect, remember?
Not to mention, H is an alcoholic who was suddenly agreeable to AA.
The marriage therapist told my H to tell me: "I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes."
And, my H would ask me daily: "What can I do for you today?"


ADDED: I forgot to mention that it was HUGE for me that H made apologies to OWH, my parents, his parents. This was HUGE because these were actions of courage which made my "respect-of-husband" meter go up.


5. Did your sex life suffer? Was it awkward to have sex for a while?

It was interesting.
There was passion.
There was a lot of sex.
There were tears during sex.
There was hatred (on my part) during sex.
If that is awkward, then there it is.


6. What did your WS do to help you understand that he/she realized the errors made, and would do anything to help you recover?

He went to counseling and followed instructions.
His actions (mostly) matched his words.
He did have some slip ups.
Not by breaking "NC" with OW, but his slip ups involved telling lies.
That was mostly his alcoholism during his early AA recovery. He just had his 15th AA birthday.


7. How did your WS demonstrate his/her remorse, and total commitment to helping you heal?

He wrote me letters.
He read whatever book I asked him to read.
He lived on the couch for a few months without complaining.
He went on walks with me while I ranted or cried or otherwise released my anger and grief.
H did not break NC.


8. What things were helpful in the recovery process? (Actions, words, affection, etc)

For me, ACTIONS meant more than words or affection even.
He did all 3, but actions were measurable.
Early recovery I thought he was a liar and his every word a lie.
Early recovery his affection felt like self-betrayal to me because I did not understand HOW I might still enjoy affection from a man I did not trust, I did not respect and was fairly certain I would eventually divorce.


We're happily married 15 years after his affair.

Your milage may vary.

Hang in there !

No, not immediately. My initial reaction was to protect and support my FWW. I am, by nature, a caregiver and try to be understanding as possible. However, after some time the pain and anger set it, then yes. I currently vacillate - the best explanation of what happens I have ever heard is by a poster named BrokenVase; the betrayal shattered my LB$ - while it has been pieced together, every time she pours water in, the damage and holes allow it to leak out. It cannot be kept full without copious amounts added all the time (20+ hours a week for recovery, 15+ to maintain).




There are stretches of time where I want to give up every day. I haven't given up myself, I have asked permission of my FWW to walk. She has denied that request each and every time.

What makes me want to stay is I don't really have anything to lose by giving it a shot, do I? Her actions destroyed the one thing that meant everything to me, what motivated me in every action in my life. I have nothing now but a gamble - I'm hoping I hit the progressive jackpot. If not, I can still cash in and gain; I will have learned to become a better friend, lover, and husband.


The entire extent of our experience has been done through the online articles, the forums, and the SAA book - we have also watched some of the HNHN for Parents video.


Receptive, yes. Sometimes they don't do a thing. Sometimes her apologies and attempts bounce right off. I've got a shell around me, and she is tossing handfuls or rice at me trying to nourish me. Every once in a while, a grain finds a crack in that shell and makes it through. However, it takes handfuls each time to try to hit the cracks.


We are 4 or 5 months from full disclosure. Hysterical bonding has ended, but that was quite a whirlwind of some fun SF adventure.

It is awkward for me at times. There has been a few times that I triggered enough that I just couldn't go through with it. There are times I have to fight with every cell in my body to not reject her. However, I know the pain of rejection all too well, and I stick to my goal of not giving in to small rejections.

There will only be one rejection - and I am committed to giving her every opportunity and an ample amount of time to overcome that.


She stood in the flame of my pain and anger, and reminds me every time I begin to crumble that she is there willing to burn with me if I go up in flames. When I break down, sometimes, it often seems like she is more hurt by all this than I am.


Owning up enough to be willing to expose to OMGF, owning up enough to expose to her mother. NC. Constant contact.


Whatever it is, it is encapsulated in 20+ hours per week of UA time. Sometimes, that UA time involves reflection; "I love it when you...", "I would love it if you..."


Cheers.

Ok, Pep. You and your color makes quoting hard.

Anyway, this right here.

FWW does this. All the time. Even though 99% of the time the only answer I can give is "I don't know."

This morning, I got breakfast in bed with a love note. Another time, I was having a particularly horrible day and working a double shift. I came home to a spotless bedroom, candlelight, incense, and a FWW dressed and made up to a "T." Just for me, right before I had to go to bed and so I could work the next morning.

The work she put into that compared to the size of the gesture was mismatched.

Remember; small things are actually HUGE.

A very important & valid point!
Small things that are consistent are HUGER (more powerful and more meaningful) than one huge act.

This is exactly where I am at. And exactly as I see it. I have made no permanent decisions. I can't see that far ahead. I have given myself mile markers along the way, and I check in when I reachthem.

this hysterical bonding that everyone is talking about...did it happen right away? how long after finding out about the affair were you ready to have sex or be intimate with your spouse again?

I am very new here, but thought I would share:

1. I did not fall out of love with him. Like someone else said, but instead realized exactly how much I did love him. But I was disgusted by him, too.

2. Felt like giving up often. But we have children and in the early days, I stayed because I felt they deserved a chance to have an intact family. Later I stayed because I thought he was worthy of my effort.

3. We had been in MC before Dday, but we both went to IC after. Actually, we had the same IC and I know that is not recommended but she is awesome and amazing and helped him kill the affair and pull his head out. Love her! And she helped me immensely as well. But he did not go until after Dday #2 (my requirement to stay together)

4. I was very receptive to his apologizes, but they fell flat for quite some time. Actions. Actions must match words. He still apologizes to me. Really, I don't think there could be too much apologizing.

5. We were an HB couple.

6. He shared his revelations from IC, told me when OW broke NC, and just stayed steadfast and true amidst my pain. He failed me once by being weak; but he has healed me by his strength in recovery.

7. Same as above. He changed. He showed me affection, he met my needs, he bore my pain, he stopped being passive aggressive, and he became my best friend again.

8. Be there. Be solid.

Please bear in mind that our discovery and recovery actions were pre-MB for us. We are using MB to get us past the last hurdles (which I think may be acceptance in the grieving process which I am struggling with). So some of what we did was not MB, but also, much of what we did WAS. It has been very interesting to see what we did by "instinct" or how our counselor worked with us meshes with MB concepts.

Right away, after the blackout period ended.

Then after a few months, I went dark again, and when that ended, it happened again.

I'd say it's normal now, or back to what it was before I knew about it, which was always pretty high. Just another confusing issue.

For us? It was about 12 or 14 hours after I found out. I know many people say it is instinct and I believe that. But it was also very calculated for me. I knew we were going to try to recover and I NEEDED TO KNOW I was the last person he touched. We felt a need for each other like we hadn't in years. Neither of us knew if it was the right thing to do or not, but we decided if it was a crutch..well, at least it was a fun one.

A to the men! LOL!