Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 48 of 55 1 2 46 47 48 49 50 54 55
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
Morning All,

Quick update, just to say that H has the letter now, I modified it as per Melodys suggestion.

I need to stop anymore blips in PLan B, easier said than done sometimes. I am off on holiday now skiing and really need a break from it all, a change of scenery will take my mind of everything that is going on.

Getting frustrated at this site, I don't like swipes at other people posts as at the end of the day everyone is entitled to there say. The freedom of this site is that you can choose to take onboard or ignore comments.

Tom - I take onboard your 2x4 and know I need to toughen up on Plan B. I should not have let him in the house. I did give him the same message though. I know you care and I appreciate that.

Constant - Still know where I am going and no I dodn't feel like your 'molly coddling' me!! I think you have some really good perspectives and insight and also you are good cause your not just there to chime in when I mess up your there when its all quiet and boring in Plan B and I just need a little perspective. You said:

Get ready for the part of the ride where you realize after he wants to work on the marriage that maybe you don't want to anymore. That is normal too. It will pass also.

I am feeling this already the more I have grown the more worried I have become that he won't....I know that might be a DJ but it is more of a fear.

Thanks all see you soon.

Harmony.

Last edited by Harmony2010; 01/09/11 11:17 AM.

BW/FWW 34 (Harmony)
BH/WH 36

Feb 2009 - Affair starts, physical for 9 days on business trip.
Mar 2009 - Separate from H, live alone
Apr 2009 - realise I have made big mistake and attempt reconciliation with H, establish NC with OM.
Jun 2009 - H physical and emotional serial A start right upto present day.
Jul 2009 - NC with OM broken and becomes EA
Mar 2010 - H reads email and discovers A
Jul 2010 - Discover MB
Aug 2010 - Plan A starts
Oct 2010 - Plan B starts
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 279
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 279
Have a wonderful and safe 'HOLIDAY', Harmony.

You Brits & your silly words...here they are called VACATIONS...lol

Keep you mind on the slopes!

TEEF


BS/ME 47 Met on blind date
WH 46(Alcoholic,drugs?)
DS1:18 DS2:15
1st A EA9/07 PA10/07 NC11/07
2nd A EA/PA-10/2010
Found out- 11/20/2010
He moved out-1/1/2011 same apt.cmplx as OW(&her kids)
PlanB-1/1/11(broken)
NEW PB-2/11 Taking it one day at a time


There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done" and those to whom God says, "Alright then, have it your way." ~C .S.Lewis


Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Reading along Harmony, I think you're doing just fine. You may be a turtle about some things but I think you'll eventually reach your goal (personal recovery, definitely!, marital recovery, good possibility).

Good to see that you don't get easily swayed by good-intentioned but off-the-mark posts to you. You'll need that determination if and when you get to marital recovery. You think this is hard? Recovery is harder.

Enjoy your holiday!


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
Originally Posted by Bubbles4U
I feel like most of your very short "marriage" was spent in having affairs and disrespecting one another.

This tells me that you do not really know the meaning of marriage. Or how to have a marriage. Or how to communicate in marriage or be happy in a marriage.

I do realize that you have a compulsive need for a man, any man, especially this man to approve of you, accept you, and like you.

But to me, this seems like a selfish need based on your own neediness which has nothing or very little to do with romantic love. In other words, if you are still so emotionally infantlike or insecure, or have low self worth that you NEED a man to approve you or you won't feel good about yourself, then you will not be able to ever have a happy marriage even if you want one as we all do!.

What makes you think you are ready for marriage in any way?

The more you fret about this husband rejecting you, finding another woman, and dumping you, the more this tells me that you are indeed not ready for any relatinship with a man, especially a marriage. The sad part is that if you are not ready for marriage, then nothing you can do to get this man back will "work" or "succeed". You can learn the meaning of marriage and so can your husband. I just am not sure if you two can (or both of you want to) learn it together and in a few short months.

*I think you need some marital training before you venture back out there dating or getting back with this man (if that is possible).

If I dated a man and we both had affairs in the first few years I would realize that I was not cut out for relationships at that time and needed to get some self esteem and stay away from men. Also I would realize that I was not ready to settle down and rather, needed to meet many people and sow more wild oats.

There are many stages in life we need to all go thru:

You, Harmony seem to be at this stage to me:

1. The sowing wild oats stage where you date different people
2. The "attracting men" "flirting wtih men" and "getting men's attention" stage.
3. The dating stage where you meet new men, date, and have sex with them
4. The "learning about yourself" stage where you discover who you are.
5. The "emotional maturity stage" where you hammer out how you want your life to be and find out how to get there.

If I were you, I would refuse to sell myself short here. Fully explore and get through EACH AND ALL of these stages in your life. With the help of a counselor if you want support. Do not try and jump these "maturing" stages and jump back into a relatinship with this husband or another man.

Why do you not yet realize this fact that you are not and have not been ready for marriage??? What does marriage mean to you? (It did not mean very much given you had a long term affair)

Do you really still believe you are ready for marriage at this time?

The questions I would ask myself if I were you are this:

1. Am I really ready for marriage now?
2. What does marriage mean to me?
3. Can I learn to observe men and recognize red flags rather than jumping into relationships?
4. Can I hold off leaping into relationships with men and start getting some self esteem?
5. Is my husband a suitable marriage partner for me right now?
6. Am I a suitable marriage partner for this husband right now?
7. Are we compatable and both ready for a committed marriage right now or in the near future?
8. Why do I want a man around so badly?
9. What is it I need from a man?
10. Why am I so confused, afraid, insecure, and uncertain?

Ask yourself these and write out your answers in a notebook where you can track your progress.

Your progress in life should address these areas.

You need to progress in:

1. Developing morals/values for yourself
2. Hammering out areas where you are not yet mature
3. Figuring out what things you like and dislike
4. Seeing the talents and qualities you possess
5. Exploring your relationships with men and observing the problems
5. Figuring out where you are weak in self esteem
6. Bolstering and strengthening your self esteem
7. Finding out why you are so needy
8. Figuring out what marriage means to you compared to "dating a man".
9. Discovering how to judge a situation wisely and observe and judge a man wisely.
10. Learning to see people as they really are rather than "how you want them to be" or "how you think they should be or should behave".
11. Learning how to keep immature, toxic or abusive men and women out of your life.

If your foundations for marriage are not there or not developed, then your questions about this husband are moot and will mean nothing in the larger scheme of things since you will not be mature enough or ready for marriage enough...to carry out a marriage even if he does choose to come back.

These things will mean nothing if you are not ready for marriage and have a good self esteem without a man:

Mean nothing:

1. Whether your husband will find a better woman soon than you
2. If your husband will come back or if he won't
3. If he is still cheating on you or not
4. If you can get him back or not
5. If you should stay married or divorce
6. How you can get him back
7. If he loves you or not

None of these mean anything if you are not ready for marriage and mature enough to handle a good marriage and all that it means. You should get down to the roots of why you cheated, why you lied, why you had no morals, and why you are not mature enough not to cheat your whole marriage. And then solve these problems FIRST, before trying to rope this man, who may not be a suitable marriage partner anyway, back to you.

What I fear you have been doing, Harmony, is closing your eyes, and diving into any man near you without even thinking about it. For example, you have been eagerly flirting with other men and relaxing your boundaries around other men. You also try and attract men for attention and to make yourself feel good. These things will not help you. You husband will not help you learn to love and value yourself. Having a man around will not help your self esteem or make you feel "normal" or "better" just as having a child will not make you "normal" or "feel better about yourself" either.

You got a lot of learning, observing, and growing up to do my friend before you attempt to save this marriage or create any other relationships with men at all.


Hey Bubbles

As promised I reread your post. I do see where you coming from and you always push me in my learning, I like that, even though sometimes I read in and think, oh god is that me, harsh? NEXT!

I have come so far, I don't think you realise. I am more sure of my own mind these days, I use to be a bit like a puppet and very naive. I lacked the confidence in my own thinking. I am also happy to hold my hand up and say, yup could do better, or more work to do in that area.

So yes have mulled over your post a little. HArmony home work time......(i actually enjoy this stuff - sicko)

Just so you know I am giving you some HONEST feedback, I am baring my soul here, which also gives certain people 'amo' you know what I mean? Oh well who cares..If you don't like me...byeeeee

Here are some thoughts:

1. Am I really ready for marriage now?
Tough one. Its much harder work than I realised, its funny friends of mine are getting married and everyone is cooing over the enagagement/wedding, I get much more excited about couples who have been married a long time been with each other through thick and thin. So I amn going to be brave and say YES smile
2. What does marriage mean to me?
Commitment, making your partner a priority, consideration, sharing, time, love and not just being there in the good times but there in the bad also.
3. Can I learn to observe men and recognize red flags rather than jumping into relationships?
Well yes, I am more adapt at noticing the 'red flags' there is a lotta guys with a lotta red flags. Red flag examples..a) burst of anger b) talks badly of exes c) mommas boys d) Liars....need I go on....I think the actual danger for me here would benot trusting men at all.
4. Can I hold off leaping into relationships with men and start getting some self esteem?
Oh yes, this is one of the most key questions for me. I need to work on some self esteem baby. I have taken up my interior design course, I have met some really nice ladies, who seem pretty 'functional' and also getting confidence through doing something I enjoy and doing well at it. I would say I need a lot of work on my self esteem. I am miles better that I was 6 months ago, back then I took criticism very personally and lacked the confidence in my own decisions.
5. Is my husband a suitable marriage partner for me right now?
NOPE.
6. Am I a suitable marriage partner for this husband right now?
NOPE.
7. Are we compatable and both ready for a committed marriage right now or in the near future?
Compatible in terms of both sharing the same dreams and activites. This is the shame part, we are both very compatible and share a lot of fondness for the same things e.g country walks, growing veggies, house renovations, interior design, architecture, travel. We shared many of the same dreams, would love to adopt a child (OK I hear y'all not ready!!) would love to move to Oz, would love to buy and renovate a chalet in the Alps. Our problem was that we were p*ss poor at communication, selfish and IB, poor understand of skills to be ina good marriage.
8. Why do I want a man around so badly?
Cause I want to share my life with somebody and love someone and they love me. I know I can be happy without a man, but to be happily married to the right man is the ultimate for me.
9. What is it I need from a man?
Love, care, time, respect, showing me new things and maturity.
10. Why am I so confused, afraid, insecure, and uncertain?
My affair, my marriage crubmling, my dads illness has all knocked my confidence, it all seems to have gone so wrong. I am just learning to cope with that and learn how to be a better person. Learning boudaries was a big thing for me. Problem is I am surrounded by many with weak boundaries, but now have an inner confidence of knowing the right from wrong. I am in such a different place then when I cam here.

I have the notebook my mum bought me, so am going to do the 'progress' excercise you talked about. At the end of the day it can only do me some good.

Originally Posted by Bubbles4U
Leave it alone and get to more working on yourself and learning. You can do it.


I know I can do it, its just knowing how! How come I ended up needing all this work, its pretty depressing, I feel like I have had a late start of the starting line!!

Thanks again,

Harmony.


BW/FWW 34 (Harmony)
BH/WH 36

Feb 2009 - Affair starts, physical for 9 days on business trip.
Mar 2009 - Separate from H, live alone
Apr 2009 - realise I have made big mistake and attempt reconciliation with H, establish NC with OM.
Jun 2009 - H physical and emotional serial A start right upto present day.
Jul 2009 - NC with OM broken and becomes EA
Mar 2010 - H reads email and discovers A
Jul 2010 - Discover MB
Aug 2010 - Plan A starts
Oct 2010 - Plan B starts
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
Right now after boring you all senseless, I am off to enjoy my HOLS.............................

hurray

PS. Thanks PM, I am pretty focused these days. Turtle? That must be an American thang?


BW/FWW 34 (Harmony)
BH/WH 36

Feb 2009 - Affair starts, physical for 9 days on business trip.
Mar 2009 - Separate from H, live alone
Apr 2009 - realise I have made big mistake and attempt reconciliation with H, establish NC with OM.
Jun 2009 - H physical and emotional serial A start right upto present day.
Jul 2009 - NC with OM broken and becomes EA
Mar 2010 - H reads email and discovers A
Jul 2010 - Discover MB
Aug 2010 - Plan A starts
Oct 2010 - Plan B starts
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 496
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 496
I think it is great that you are stating your boundaries.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
Have a wonderful holiday...

and for Bubbles?

I have an answer to you about some of the 'introspection' you have about Harmony...

Imho, I had a xwh who began cheating at around our 4.5 year mark married.

It had NO bearing on me, or my time as a newly single woman and mom, and your words, esp the suppositions on what, how or when she sould begin dating (after divorce of course).

When you go through something as traumatic as an ema, it is life-changing. YOu second guess everything about yourself and over-analyze it all.

I should know. My personal counselor (who is/was pro MB) after the divorce told me I was "normal" after having gone thru such a personal trauma.

My former marriage to my xh wasn't bad, it was xh who changed, who became a ws, and morphed into a sad person, it wasn't the marriage, so don't beat up on Harmony at all. SHE didn't make the negative choices, and SHE is the one who is left to pick up the pieces of her life and decide what she wishes to do.

For myself, what worked was to work on me, just have a total vacation from the WS completely and revel in it. I suppose Harmony is hopefully having a WONDERFUL time on her vacation right now!

I didn't feel like dating until about 2 years post divorce, and I still had a far far way to go, in that I was a bit selfish, and rather heck on wheels for any poor guy I dated (and didn't date alot). It is a reaction from the rejection and the horrible treatment courtesy of the xws.

She will find her safe zones, she will plot a course for her personal recovery, and know there is a BOARD HERE AT MB for that which helped me immensely. Made some wonderful friends on that board.

But a stinging 2 x 4 doesn't really accomplish much. I've been there, done that, bought the t shirt and had one helluva fight with my xh and it went on for years until his own actions consumed him (the wayward ones) and he has paid with his job, his freedoms, and finally being divorced from his "soul mate...um make that mistress".

You can never ASSume anything like that ok? You don't know what she will do or how she will proceed ahead, but what is important is she is at THE RIGHT PLACE to learn how to love herself again, embrace her new beginning, and move forward. Expect the best and be a bit nicer imho. I remember the first time a guy said I was pretty post divorce. It was elating! I felt so ugly, so downtrodden, so sad after having been emotionally beaten up by my xwh for almost two years. But learning good boundaries was great! It helped me alot! And learned how to marriage-build for the future (when I met my now dh) and also to plan A myself for a while, learning to take great care and being gentle with my own emotions as I learned how to rebuild my life over again.

I wish Harmony the best vacation ever! Go and plan A yourself girl! That's what I did for a good year or two. Travel. Have a blast! love your children and yourself. But most of all, in plan A-ing yourself, realize you have special needs. You have been thru the mill, through heck, and that you need to give yourself plenty of time for healing, reflection, and a bit of well-earned self love, all the while focusing even more love on your kids.

Remember, MB is great. I learned these processes and put them in place for myself for years...until I felt emotionally ready (and even got my counselor to say an "ok" on it) before dating again. All Iknow is a bit over 3 years ago, when my heart had healed and when I'd least have expected it, I met my DH. And I am grateful for all I've learned here and the friendships I've made.

It is a hard road to travel down. Those here know it truly is. But you do so with hope in your heart always, all the while trying to keep an open mind.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Well this..
Originally Posted by Harmony2010
1. Am I really ready for marriage now?
Tough one. Its much harder work than I realised, its funny friends of mine are getting married and everyone is cooing over the enagagement/wedding, I get much more excited about couples who have been married a long time been with each other through thick and thin. So I amn going to be brave and say YES smile
..
and this..
Originally Posted by Harmony2010
5. Is my husband a suitable marriage partner for me right now?
NOPE.
6. Am I a suitable marriage partner for this husband right now?
NOPE...

Sounds like you want to be married right now, and are leaning away from recovery as a positive option. No problem of course, it has allways been your decision. Just pointing out the obvious.

Originally Posted by Harmony2010
7. Are we compatable and both ready for a committed marriage right now or in the near future?
Compatible in terms of both sharing the same dreams and activites. This is the shame part, we are both very compatible and share a lot of fondness for the same things e.g country walks, growing veggies, house renovations, interior design, architecture, travel. We shared many of the same dreams, would love to adopt a child (OK I hear y'all not ready!!) would love to move to Oz, would love to buy and renovate a chalet in the Alps. Our problem was that we were p*ss poor at communication, selfish and IB, poor understand of skills to be ina good marriage...

Sounds like if you could both put the past behind, and work on a solution, he would be the perfect guy. Betcha thought that when you met him huh? Well you can put it behind you and move on, or use this opportunity to recover and keep going forward. Again its up to you and him.

Originally Posted by Harmony2010
3. Can I learn to observe men and recognize red flags rather than jumping into relationships?
Well yes, I am more adapt at noticing the 'red flags' there is a lotta guys with a lotta red flags. Red flag examples..a) burst of anger b) talks badly of exes c) mommas boys d) Liars....need I go on....I think the actual danger for me here would benot trusting men at all.
4. Can I hold off leaping into relationships with men and start getting some self esteem?
Oh yes, this is one of the most key questions for me. I need to work on some self esteem baby. I have taken up my interior design course, I have met some really nice ladies, who seem pretty 'functional' and also getting confidence through doing something I enjoy and doing well at it. I would say I need a lot of work on my self esteem. I am miles better that I was 6 months ago, back then I took criticism very personally and lacked the confidence in my own decisions...

Although this is all good stuff Harm, it is working away from recovery of this reletionship and inviting comparison to your H. I know it may be too early for you to deal with this, but the tendency to compare our spouses with others imagining they don't have faults too runs deep in us responsible humans. Its ussually one of the main reasons we stray, the grass looks greener.

I am glad you are getting your confidance back, and that is so very important in making decisions, and any freind in a relationship would encourage you and support you in self-improvement efforts, or broadening your horizons. It will take self-confidance and inner security in your mate to let you spread your wings and grow without getting jealous. That of course would also be a challange in recovery, since you both have experienced pain and fear from each other, and trust will have to be built.

Something about confidance, can you take on the challange of recovery? I know it has to be two people working on it, and you are doing your part right? But think what you could build from the ashes, that would build confidance yes?

Originally Posted by Harmony2010
..Get ready for the part of the ride where you realize after he wants to work on the marriage that maybe you don't want to anymore. That is normal too. It will pass also.

I am feeling this already the more I have grown the more worried I have become that he won't....I know that might be a DJ but it is more of a fear...

Yes it is a fear, but a real one nonetheless. Remember you are doing all you can to help him see its up to him to show you he is willing to work on the marriage, and court you again, dispelling your fears by attending to you and comforting you.

You still don't have an IM I guess, and that was my only hope that he would get the books from DrH so you would both have a plan for recovery since Scotty put the KaBosh on sending them to him while in plan B. Not doubting her wisdom, but I really feel he has no life-line to recovery. I think he wants it, but has no guidance, even when he hits rock bottom.

Maybe if you get seriuos about Plan B and the recovery process you will get an IM. Then again maybe you are to afraid of it and would rather put it all behind you and move on. Of course that is your choice also Harm.

If that is how it turns out to be, do you think he would be able or willing to come to this site and get some guidance for himself? Maybe he would consider us enemys I don't know, but I can assure you his pain and struggle is just as important as yours to most of us.

I am not taking sides with anyone here, that would be unfair to the sanctity of the marriage union and the depth of the bond it should be where no man comes between it. Like anyone else, WH has the right to heal and grow from this and learn how to recover also. Maybe like you, he can be supported. Maybe he too can have a marriage that he can treasure and learn how to have like many others here have.

Have a great Holiday Harm. hurray



Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Originally Posted by Harmony2010
I know I can do it, its just knowing how! How come I ended up needing all this work, its pretty depressing, I feel like I have had a late start of the starting line!!..

Thats easy, so you can help others avoid the pitfalls and encourge them in the right decisions silly, just like your WH has the chance to do the same if he chooses.

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
What is throwing this post (and poster) off, IMHO, is the non MB advice being given. At the top of this page, it clearly states,

Sometimes you may hear alternative opinions that conflict with Dr. Harley's Ten Basic Concepts. These are often raised by those who have not solved their own marital problems, but still feel they are qualified to advise others. When this happens you can expect some members to explain why their approach won't work, and why Marriage Builders� offers a better solution. There are many who are offended when that happens, but please keep in mind that the ultimate purpose of this Forum is to discuss and learn Marriage Builders� concepts.

Dr. H has a plan. The plan works. True- everyone has a learning curve- no one gets plan A, plan B LB's, POJA's right the first time.

I believe this system is the best way to go.

It is NOT MB (and very pointless) to pontificate on the motives of a WS. Pages here have been dedicated to second guessing Harm's WS actions. This has encouraged her to ingore MB advice and do the same.

The bottom line. He is still an active (and very abusive) WS.

Fact: He is still activley in an A.
He has proven his desire to cake eat till the cows come home. He has shown NO true remorse/repentance for his actions

He refuses Harm's requets, beats on her door whenever, and shows little regaurd for her concerns/ideas.

He has not complied (tho he may have had no plan B letter - so that may not all be his fault)to ANY request she has for real recovery.

So why, as a MB community, are we bloviating about WS intentions, meanings and half- hearted actions?
Plan A;
Fog speak: "blah, blah. blah-blah blah."
Reply; "That's interesting. "Do you want a cookie? How is the weather?"
Plan B;
Fogspeak; "Blah, blah. blah-blah-blah."
Reply; nothing. nada. zero.

Because--
It is all FOG. He has not shown the change of heart required to start recovery.



Last edited by barbiecat; 01/10/11 06:59 AM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 279
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 279
Originally Posted by barbiecat
So why, as a MB community, are we bloviating about WS intentions, meanings and half- hearted actions?
Plan A;
Fog speak: "blah, blah. blah-blah blah."
Reply; "That's interesting. "Do you want a cookie? How is the weather?"
Plan B;
Fogspeak; "Blah, blah. blah-blah-blah."
Reply; nothing. nada. zero.

Because--
It is all FOG. He has not shown the change of heart required to start recovery.

This really hits the nail on the head BC. It really is ALL fog until THEY are ready to change and start recovery. Plan A is more about being compliant with WS fog-babble. Plan B is more about not putting up the bull**** anymore.


BS/ME 47 Met on blind date
WH 46(Alcoholic,drugs?)
DS1:18 DS2:15
1st A EA9/07 PA10/07 NC11/07
2nd A EA/PA-10/2010
Found out- 11/20/2010
He moved out-1/1/2011 same apt.cmplx as OW(&her kids)
PlanB-1/1/11(broken)
NEW PB-2/11 Taking it one day at a time


There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done" and those to whom God says, "Alright then, have it your way." ~C .S.Lewis


Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Originally Posted by barbiecat
..It is NOT MB (and very pointless) to pontificate on the motives of a WS. Pages here have been dedicated to second guessing Harm's WS actions. This has encouraged her to ingore MB advice and do the same.

Gotta agree, She is in that place of justifying her own actions, and still afraid he will return to His. Like Bubs said, it seems like a schoolgirl thing, rather than a marriage.

They both have a perfect opportunity to move on, and blame each other for how thier marraige failed, or put things back together. Maybe the lack of respect for each other is to great to overcome.

I have also seen the tendency of this type of poster to use this site and do a half-azzed plan B with only taking in what opinions and guidance that allows them to leave the marriage, ahem, "After doing all I could, boo-hoo". Its all so comfortable that way isn't it?

After much time in what I believe was a good cause in trying to help her understand things it seems my words really have been lost on her. Instead of her hearing what I say or understanding I do understand, so she would trust in Dr. H and plan A and B, she just picks what she wants and does what she feels.

Now she has gone into plan B without an IM just inviting more contact and insisting she do it her way. Its like watching a slow moving train wreck. she hasn't even responded to my questions of if she has an IM.

Sorry Harm I gotta bail on you, There are many good people here able to help you recover your marriage if you wish to, and also help you in your personal recovery. I am confidant you will be fine either way, but this site IS decicated to helping those interested in the marraige builders program.

Though understanding the past can help us build a better future, it can get in the way of making the choices needed to have one. I am still rooting for you and you WH, and hope he will find help also in repairing his life, and maybe his marriage.

I will be praying for you and looking in on your thread from time to time to see how your doing.

God Bless


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
I have an IM constant that was in the PLan B letter I gave my H?

As far saying I don't invest in the MB program I have spent about 700 pound on counselling with Steve Harley and 6 months posting on this site doing EVERY advice given to me. I have actually been doing the opposite advice to what Steve Harley has been giving me and been listening to you guys here.

I tell you what everyone else see how they do sticking to a Plan B when they have just buried there father and have not initiated contact with the H once since they went into Plan B. I have not called, text, emailed, driven by nothing. I let him into my life as support when my father passed away just 5 weeks ago, and let him into the house last Friday to pick up something he needed.

I am tired of being here and getting blasted. I think I have done pretty well under the circumstances.

Thank you for your support and time.

Last edited by Harmony2010; 01/10/11 01:04 PM.

BW/FWW 34 (Harmony)
BH/WH 36

Feb 2009 - Affair starts, physical for 9 days on business trip.
Mar 2009 - Separate from H, live alone
Apr 2009 - realise I have made big mistake and attempt reconciliation with H, establish NC with OM.
Jun 2009 - H physical and emotional serial A start right upto present day.
Jul 2009 - NC with OM broken and becomes EA
Mar 2010 - H reads email and discovers A
Jul 2010 - Discover MB
Aug 2010 - Plan A starts
Oct 2010 - Plan B starts
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 274
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 274
{{{{Harmony}}}}

Harmony, I think you've done well, but I'm MB's worst Plan B'er ever, according to everyone. Keep your chin up and do keep on doing Plan B.

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
Originally Posted by Meggin
{{{{Harmony}}}}

Harmony, I think you've done well, but I'm MB's worst Plan B'er ever, according to everyone. Keep your chin up and do keep on doing Plan B.


Thanks Meggin

Feel like bailing on this site and feel like bailing on my marriage, I am tired and this is just so tough.

I think I won the award for worst Plan B! So maybe your second to me. The annoying thing is I haven't intiated contact since he left 2.5 months ago, short of moving I don;t know what to do.

He turned up last night also, I didn't let him in this time, just ignored him.







BW/FWW 34 (Harmony)
BH/WH 36

Feb 2009 - Affair starts, physical for 9 days on business trip.
Mar 2009 - Separate from H, live alone
Apr 2009 - realise I have made big mistake and attempt reconciliation with H, establish NC with OM.
Jun 2009 - H physical and emotional serial A start right upto present day.
Jul 2009 - NC with OM broken and becomes EA
Mar 2010 - H reads email and discovers A
Jul 2010 - Discover MB
Aug 2010 - Plan A starts
Oct 2010 - Plan B starts
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 397
X
Xau Offline
Member
Offline
Member
X
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 397
Patience, patience and more patience all you can do now is work through the processes. Keep a firm Plan B and stay on course.

Last edited by Xau; 01/10/11 01:26 PM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 19
R
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 19
Don't bail, Harmony. I've been reading your threads for a few months now, and it's been extremely helpful for me. You've been working incredibly hard here, and there are many of us who are cheering you on, albeit quietly in the background smile Stay strong and don't give up now!!!!

Best wishes~

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
Originally Posted by Harmony2010
I have actually been doing the opposite advice to what Steve Harley has been giving me and been listening to you guys here.

What advice did SH give you?


FBW in recovery
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Originally Posted by ConstantProcess
Originally Posted by barbiecat
..It is NOT MB (and very pointless) to pontificate on the motives of a WS. Pages here have been dedicated to second guessing Harm's WS actions. This has encouraged her to ingore MB advice and do the same.

Gotta agree, She is in that place of justifying her own actions, and still afraid he will return to His. Like Bubs said, it seems like a schoolgirl thing, rather than a marriage.

They both have a perfect opportunity to move on, and blame each other for how thier marraige failed, or put things back together. Maybe the lack of respect for each other is to great to overcome.

I have also seen the tendency of this type of poster to use this site and do a half-azzed plan B with only taking in what opinions and guidance that allows them to leave the marriage, ahem, "After doing all I could, boo-hoo". Its all so comfortable that way isn't it?

After much time in what I believe was a good cause in trying to help her understand things it seems my words really have been lost on her. Instead of her hearing what I say or understanding I do understand, so she would trust in Dr. H and plan A and B, she just picks what she wants and does what she feels.

Now she has gone into plan B without an IM just inviting more contact and insisting she do it her way. Its like watching a slow moving train wreck. she hasn't even responded to my questions of if she has an IM.

Sorry Harm I gotta bail on you, There are many good people here able to help you recover your marriage if you wish to, and also help you in your personal recovery. I am confidant you will be fine either way, but this site IS decicated to helping those interested in the marraige builders program.

Though understanding the past can help us build a better future, it can get in the way of making the choices needed to have one. I am still rooting for you and you WH, and hope he will find help also in repairing his life, and maybe his marriage.

I will be praying for you and looking in on your thread from time to time to see how your doing.

God Bless


hurray

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
Thought you had given up on my thread SR, you can't keep away!!

Like PM said your way off the mark. 3rd time lucky and you might stop posting. Doubt it!

Delta - SH said that the Plan B had to be 'massaged' for my situation. That I had to allow a certain amount of communication, due to my affair setting him off. That I should allow him in the house and do more of a 'mocha' Plan B. Also, that Plan B can be broken under extreme circumstances such as my father passing away.




BW/FWW 34 (Harmony)
BH/WH 36

Feb 2009 - Affair starts, physical for 9 days on business trip.
Mar 2009 - Separate from H, live alone
Apr 2009 - realise I have made big mistake and attempt reconciliation with H, establish NC with OM.
Jun 2009 - H physical and emotional serial A start right upto present day.
Jul 2009 - NC with OM broken and becomes EA
Mar 2010 - H reads email and discovers A
Jul 2010 - Discover MB
Aug 2010 - Plan A starts
Oct 2010 - Plan B starts
Page 48 of 55 1 2 46 47 48 49 50 54 55

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
3 members (Blackhawk, 2 invisible), 168 guests, and 103 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Gastelumattorney, lucasmiller, Demonolatry, Jose E. Martin, Frank Pro
71,895 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Really Struggling
by Demonolatry - 11/13/24 03:52 AM
20 appointments and $1000’s later…
by IrishGreen - 10/30/24 06:20 PM
Happening again
by jah - 10/29/24 10:00 AM
I grounded my wife - am I proceeding correctly?
by Mature - 10/27/24 02:05 PM
Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,616
Posts2,323,460
Members71,895
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5