I am a 40 something year old man and been married for more than 10 years with 3 young children.

For almost a year my wife has been involved in a texting relationship with a younger man. I just accepted it as part of their friendship, but it continued to bother me, and I just chalked it up to my insecurities. My wife would go to weekly rehearsals with this man and he would give her a ride to and from the rehearsal. One night I found out that they were parking after rehearsals in a secluded spot, my wife lied to me about doing this and when I confronted her with the evidence she was really sorry, asserting that they were just friends and were just talking. I believed her about the just friends part, but I lost some trust in her. This texting relationship continued until recently when on Christmas she spent 2-3 hours texting this other man. I just couldn't take it anymore and demanded that it stop.

I pulled the phone bills for the past few months and she texts this man between 3000-7000 times a month, with 5-7 phone calls a week, not to mention endless facebook messages that I cannot see. From the texts it appears that he is the first person she talks to in the morning and the last person at night. I found out from her that they have pet names for each other. Worse she has shared intimate personal details about her past with this man and details about our marital strife and relationship that she has not told me about. I heard this directly from the younger man.

Neither she nor this man think that they are having an affair. My wife is in therapy for some issues that she doesn't want to talk to me about, apparently he knows all about these sessions. She is telling me that she doesn't want to work on us until she works on herself with the therapist.

So now my questions:
Am I crazy thinking that this is an affair? How do you convince your spouse that what she is doing has been giving you the panic attacks, the sleepless nights, that she is actually really having an affair when she doesn't agree?

I have read the articles about the three stages and sometimes I think she is in withdrawal and other times in conflict. But in either state she doesn't seem to want to see the truth of the affair. She thinks this is all going to blow over and she can go back to being texting, facebook, and phone buddies with this man.

I have been trying to manage my 'Taker' in this but sometimes it gets the best of me. By the way the rehearsals continue but she drives herself now.

I realize having gone through the site that I am probably not without blame in this - I think we have not been fulfilling each others emotional needs, and I share the responsibility of that.

Thanks for any insight on how to get her to see what this has done to us.

danno, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry you are here. Yes, this is an affair. But she will continue to deny that until you produce irrefutable evidence. With that in hand, we can help you bust up the affair.

I would not ask her about the affair until you have evidence in hand. There are several ways you can get the evidence:

1. a PI

2. a tap on your landline [Radio Shack]

3. install flexispy on her cell phone but this will only give you her text messages

4. install a keylogger on her computer [use eblaster or spector Pro at spectorpro.com]

5. put a voice activated recorder in some place where she would talk to the OM, ie bed, car

Don't say anything. Just get the goods and come back here.

I already have asked her about it.

In response to the title: she's lied, she sends thousands of texts, she talked to him for hours on Christmas... it is definitely an emotional affair. It is quite possibly also physical.

MelodyLane's advice holds even if you've already confronted once. More evidence will help you when you expose.

Have you read up on Plan A yet?

Danno, Melody has given you some excellent suggestions. If anyone can help you find the truth it is her. I would second her advice that you do not say anything further to your wife UNTIL you are 100% satisfied with the evidence that you have. If you blow your load early your WW is just going to find better ways to hide.

I used to approach my wife every time I found something suspicious. Do you think she stopped doing what she was doing? NO! She got better at hiding it.

When you have the information you are looking for come back here and listen to what the professionals tell you. Keep coming back as you gather info and the people here will guide you.

Good luck on your search for the truth...

Like everyone else has stated - yes, your wife is in EA with OM. Start snooping, don't let your wife know, get as much evidence first. And don't believe everything she tells you - find things out for yourself.

Gg

Thank you for your support.

I am new here is there a guide to the short hand that is used here - I am starting to guess and pick up some of it - but some of it is lost on me.

Acronyms

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2438040&page=1

One Two Three Punch

1) Get evidence - Spying 102
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2461388&page=1

2) � Expose
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

3) Plan A: Carrot & Stick
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2458276&page=1

Did you read my post?

Thanks for the help.

One more question on exposure this time - I've been wrestling with exposure to the OMW (I am catching on) as they are in a rocky point as well, with the OM telling OMW that he is not sure if he loves her or not anymore - they are supposed to be going to counseling. I know the OM pretty well and am beginning to see a pattern in his relationships with women are friends. He always takes them too far, and my wife has not been the first. I can't believe I have been this clueless. So far only a couple close friends know about this.

And GloveOil you are right this is kind of a 'church based' rehearsal but it is much smaller just the choir director, WW and the OM at the CD's house. I used to be part of this group before we had kids, but someone has to watch them and my WW is better at music than me. I have gotten her to agree to stop all the texting and phone calls, but she is unwilling/unable to give up these rehearsals or the occasional facebook messages. She really does love music and I want her to have that in her life. I just can't abide who she has them with.

Danno, OMW would be one of the first exposures. But we need you to get the evidence and then we can help you with a compassionate, strategic exposure.

The reason the OM is "not sure he loves his wife" is because of his affair with your wife. And he likely told your wife this too in order to persuade her to have an affair with him. Who told you he felt this way? Your wife?

Melody - I did read your post - thank you.

I think I have all the evidence I need or can collect.

I have thought of the PI several times, but am a little short on cash to do that.

I just can't seem to convince my wife of the seriousness of this and was questioning my own sanity and thoughts in relation to this.

Yes my wife told me that first, and then I heard it from the OM.

What is your evidence of an affair exactly? What you have described is not a romantic affair:

I have seen texts of :
'I love you'
Calling each other Lady WW or Sir OM
The christmas card she got from him says that he loves her.
That he loves singing with her
He has sent her videos of songs whose context is two people running away together
Sharing intimate details of the day, sending pictures of themselves or the kids
Occasional flirtatious sexual innuendo (no sexting that I have seen)

Their just parking and talking?

You believe this?

They spend enough hours with their phones and sharing recreational time together.

Parked in a car is what they can't do on the phone or in public.

Danno, the problem here is you then. You have evidence of an affair yet you come here and tell us "my wife is having a texting relationship with a young man." If you won't admit it is an affair, and present it as such, how do you expect your wife to admit that?

This affair is an easy one to kill. I predict it could be knocked out with exposure. But you have to present this in an ACCURATE LIGHT or no one will know what the hell you are talking about. I sure didn't. I had to make several posts and ask for the evidence just to get it.

So, that is the first step. STOP presenting this as a "texting relationship" to people. Present it as "my wife is having an affair with a married man at church."

Frame up your narrative like that so people GET IT.

Make up a list of exposure targets and get on the phone today and start exposing this affair. It needs to be exposed in one fell swoop in order to have a tsunami effect and to prevent the affairees from pre-empting you. Exposure targets should be:

1. the OM's wife
2. choir director
3. pastor and church authorities
4. parents, close family and friends
5. children
6. the OM's parents and facebook friends

With the exception of #6, you should call as many key people as possible and tell them all about the affair. Tell them you are trying to save your marriage and ask them to use their influence to persuade the adutlerers to end their relationship.

Tell you children what their mother is doing and explain why infidelity is immoral and how much it hurts you.

Go to the OM's facebook page and copy all his facebook page friends and paste them into a WORD doc. Target the family members and married people. SEnd them a private message - SPACED ONE MINUTE APART - that goes something like this:

Dear friends of JoeScumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should be aware that Joe is having an affair with my wife, Sally. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Joe to persuade him to leave my wife alone. You should also watch your own wives around him because he is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW