To keep this short, I am a recovering WW who got pregnant from OM. After exposing everything to my BH and establishing NC with OM, my BH wanted to stay together and raise OC together, although we are currently dealing with OM trying to get rights. We're still in the middle of all that.

My issue at large is my recovering M. Despite efforts to work on our M, my BH seems to have nothing but anger toward me. I understand that I have destroyed his trust and broken his heart, but we are not building any love back, and I'm worried that it will never come back. How long does it take before he can tell me he loves me? How long before he'll touch me? How long before we can have a normal conversation? I know I've wronged him beyond measure, but if we are all so miserable, what are we gaining in staying together? Anyone who has lived through this and can offer some hope, please help!

Some questions...

how old are you guys?
do you have any other kids together?
where did you meet this OM?
does he live close?
How long did the affair last?
is the om married? or g/f?
who knows about the affair?
And WHY ON EARTH DID YOU NOT USE PROTECTION??

Ty

We are in our 30s, no other kids, and the OM is a long-time friend from college. OM lives mere minutes away, and it lasted the duration of my pregnancy then ended swiftly. OM is divorced and no one but my BH knows about the A (at BH's request). Had I planned the A, I would have used protection. But it was a heat of the moment thing, and my OC resulted.

Btw, my BH ADORES the OC, loves her more than life itself. But if he's only staying with me because of OC, well, our M is doomed, because one day OC will move out and it'll be just us two. I want our M to be out of love for each other, not obligation. And I don't want to be punished for the rest of my life, even though I deserve that. I just can't listen to the cussing, the anger, the blame, the insults day after day after day. I'm going nuts.

OK if you really want to help your marriage do the following things...

Read everything you can on this site, get the book surviving and affair and do the questionnaire with your BH.

Expose the affair to everyone you know family,friends and apolagize to his family on what you have done to your DH. If this affair has not been exposed to so does everyone think the baby is his?? If so that is WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!! Everyone needs to know about this OC and your affair, if not then there is no recovery.

Put your house up for sale and move to another state. This will eliminate all the triggers your husband is having from the affair.

Call the harleys and schedule and appt with him.

Write a NC letter to the OM and have your BH send it.

Answer all the questions your husband ask concerning the affair making sure he has EVERY detail!

I want to leave you with this quote my MIL told me after I cheated....

"You can always choose your actions, but you can NEVER NEVER choose the consequences."

wanthealing, there is a chance that there is too much resentment for him to overcome. That is something he needs to consider. This might be beyond his ability to endure.

Is the OM trying to get shared custody? That is something that could be keeping your husband triggered.

Would he come here and speak to us?

We've gotten the books, but my BH has no desire to read them. So I'm reading them myself for now, hoping he'll eventually want to join me in that effort.

My BH does not want to expose the A. I've begged him to do so, but he does not want to. So, POJA would mean that I can't do it unless BH agrees, right?

We've talked about moving, but legally we can't until we settle our court issues with OC. But it's something I've encouraged we do so that we can get a fresh start and get away from OM.

Letter of NC has been done.

All my BH's questions have been answered in full.

And your MIL sure is right about that!

Have you asked your BH to read MB articles or materials?

What has been going on with the legal issues?

17 pages is too much to read so I'm sorry to have to ask again.
Maybe you can use a post script as others do here.

What was the time line of your BH finding out you had an affair, the day NC started, when you were pregnant with OM child, to now?

Many a BH go through an anger phase after the affair has been over for six months.

Why not leave the computer on at MB. This way your BH curiosity may get the best of him and he can fine some Harley articles?

Or as you read an article say to BH there's this story here that is what were going through.

Being the OM lives so close has your BH seen OM?

As to the legal wrangling this can definitly be triggering your BH. There he is sitting and stewing of whether the OM is going to be in or out of your lives forever.

ML, yes OM is trying to get joint custody, which is a huge trigger. But that's out of my control, unfortunately. We are duking it out in court. I'm even working a second job so that the legal fees don't hurt us financially. I've asked BH to join the forum but he has no desire to. I think he's shut down all emotions but hatred and anger.

Tell your BH that there are those of us on the site that understand what hes going through, and there is help here.

Everything hes feeling we can relate to. We are all strangers, but this place is a huge help. Even if he just wants to read for a bit.

wanthealing, go over and read wolfpackgurls thread on InRecovery. She had an affair and her H is in complete withdrawal. She called Dr Harley and he told her that this will take time and she needs to bide her time and ride this out.

I think that advise applies somewhat. The difference is that your H is actually being abusive. That has to stop. If he doesn't stop the abuse, then you might need to consider separating first.

I am very sympathetic to him and wonder if the damage done to him is just too much. If that is the case, he needs to consider his future with you. That is why I was hoping he would come here.

And you know you can always talk to Dr Harley again. That might be your best bet. He might have some good ideas and might even be able to speak to your husband.

I agree he should get on here

Does your family and friends think the kid is his?

Are you going to lie to this child for the rest of your life?

This is a very tragic situation in all respects.

The victim here is the BH and the child.

First, paternity needs to be established.

If your H came on here and explained he was a BH with no kids and might have a wife pregnant with OC, I would advise him to run in the other direction and find himself a woman who wouldn't cheat and let the OM and you deal with the consequences of the affair.

That's the blunt truth.

However, your H wants to stay and raise OC. I don't know if that's commendable or not. All I know is that I couldn't do it myself.

Paternity needs to be established with DNA unless it's a situation that is blatantly obvious, such as a child of mixed race when the parents are both of one race.

I think that there are few good answers to your situation. I know I would fight for custody if I was the OM and knew that was my child.

I'm a champion of father's rights. I think any man who wishes to be a father to his child should have that right. How the child was conceived truly is irrelevant. The child has a right to his parents.

Several OC posted to you and they all seem to have some degree of desire to know their true father.

How do you help your H? There needs to be an end to the custody situation. Odds are high that the child will be considered a child of the marriage and that might end everything.

There is also a good chance that he might be given rights to visitation.

At that point I would suggest that unless he's a drug addict or a bad father that you settle in some way because it will end the conflict. Dragging out a custody fight will keep your H triggered.

Ending the conflict will bring peace to everyone.

Once custody is established, it becomes a situation similar to marrying someone who had kids already (from your H's standpoint).

You and him will have your time together while the child is with her father and you guys will have time with the child when it is your time with her.

If the court comes back and says that he has rights, then you will only be hurting your chances at recovery if you drag out the court battle. Offer him a weeknight and every other weekend arrangement with him paying CS and be done with the litigation.

Your H will be stuck in his healing so long as you are in litigation.

The sad reality is that he may never heal at all.

But if you wish to save your marriage you need to end the litigation ASAP if he is given rights to custody in his appeal.

If I had a woman come to me and tell me to shirk my rights as a father in order to have the OC raised without me in my life I'd tell her to go to he11. By your logic, you should just give him the child and surrender your rights as a mother.

Pretty preposterous a suggestion, no? That's what he feels when you tell him to give up his rights as a father.

What are you recovering from?


Good question. I would advise your husband to leave and find someone that won�t cheat and give him another man�s child as his firstborn.

It�s always a pain, isn�t it, when a betrayed spouse just can�t get over it quickly enough to suit the WS? Why can�t they just get with the program?!!

Want, you should stick to one thread. If you want to stay over here, click notify and ask the mods to merge your threads. So everyone else will be up to speed, I've linked your other thread.

Other Thread

First off, you are WAYYYY early into this. In your other thread you talk about still thinking about and wanting the OM.

Your BH probably IS angry and probably KNOWS that this is how you feel.

You're a new mom dealing with a very serious issue in your marriage.

If you could convince your BH to come here and post we may be able to help him. But give the guy a break, you were involved in your A during your ENTIRE pregnancy and now, just as recently as November, you're still thinking about and wanting OM.

You allude to abuse in your other thread. If there is abuse going on, then you need to protect yourself.

Road,

All valid points. This is a situation where there are no easy answers. You�re also right that raising an OC isn�t the same as raising a step child.

But putting the entire blame for this on OM is wrong. Setting aside the circumstances of the conception, the father has a right to the child as much as the mother does.

There�s another side to all of this. If OM disappears, then the BH is stuck with raising a kid that isn�t his and is forced to pay CS if there is a divorce (I give it a 95% chance of that).

How is that fair to the BH? Why should he pay to raise a child that isn�t his?

Again, there are no easy resolutions to any of this.

She could give OC to OM. That would end it, but then a child doesn�t have his/her mother.
She could keep fighting the legal fight, but odds are high OM won�t just be shut out, nor should he.
She could free her husband. That would be very noble, in my opinion.

It�s easy to bash the OM for getting involved with a WW. Let�s not forget the WW. They are equally at fault. If anything, SHE is more at fault since she should have known better and stuck to her vows.

But all of that is moot.

There is a child, who is caught in the crossfire. That child has a right to a relationship with her parents. BH is not her father. He may be a great step dad. But in the end, he�s not her father and has zero obligation to her, unless, of course, he decides he doesn�t want to stay married. At that point, he�s stuck paying for a child that isn�t his.

It�s a nightmare and there are no easy solutions.

So to stay married, I think that the litigation needs to be settled ASAP. OM doesn�t have to communicate all that much with WW in raising this child. He can do all his pickups and drop offs with a third party, such as a school or daycare.

I concede that NC for life is the best option to save the marriage, but that�s not really an option here since there is a child involved.

I don�t agree that OM should disappear. He is a father who wants to be a part of his child�s life. They both have that right. If you think he should disappear, then you can also advocate that she simply give him OC so he can leave forever.

Neither option is palatable. But that�s the worst consequence of adultery.

I think we need to know what she means by he's angry and full of hate before we call him abusive. Or is there another thread where his abuse is cataloged?

If this is all you are going on to say he's abusive, I contend he may be the only sane and logical person in the marriage at this point. Someone who has suffered the emotional abuse of an affair is going to be RIGHTLY angry and possibly hate his abuser.

Scripture tells us we are to be angry, but do not sin. Therefore, anger itself is not sin. We are also told to hate sin, and infidelity is certainly a sin, so anger is justified as well.

Seems like he's having a pretty natural reaction to the abuse he's experienced. I respectfully request you choose your words more carefully. Remember, her husband is the victim and she's the abuser from what I'm reading in this thread.

PS I liked what Joyce and Dr H reportedly said in response to her complaint about a controlling husband. That it was likely a good thing since she had poor boundaries and made bad decisions.

So while many would call controlling a bad thing, it seems there are cases where someone who "appears" controlling is actually doing the marriage a favor. Now the spouse who thinks she's being controlled has a choice to make. How will she view those "controlling" tendencies? Will she see the good, or just use them to justify her bad behavior?

Ditto for the angry spouse. If he's angry, that's good, it means he cares about what has happened. If he wasn't angry, I'd be worried.

Has a paternity test been done?

Perhaps I should clarify a few things. Some of you are arguing that I'm being unreasonable to expect my BH to suddenly be okay, but even Dr. Harley advised my BH to stop the angry outbursts so that we can start healing our M. I'm not saying that I've earned my BH's favor and trust yet; that may take years. I can live under BH's rules and happily meet any demand he makes of me. What I am having a hard time accepting is punching and kicking inanimate objects, hitting the dog because he's upset, screaming and cussing around the baby...things like that. My BH is not a person to take things lying down, and he plans to fight this until the end to keep OM away. But I don't want the battle to be waged in our M as well. I want to support each other and unite as we go through this. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic to hope that he could heal faster, but he gets so full of rage I'm actually afraid. And I don't know how to stop the triggers.

We do not plan to lie to our OC. But BH isn't ready for exposure yet; he wants to wait until all the court stuff is done.

And someone suggested not running around the house doing stuff, which I will take that advice, since maybe spending more time relaxing with BH will help things. Good advice!

I don't want to sound like a whiny WW lacking humility or empathy for BH. Trust me, I am far too aware of my sin and the pain I've caused. Every day I try to do something to show love, adoration, and romance to my BH. But living with the angry outbursts gets harder each day.