Hi,
I am new here but sadly not new to the subject. My H had a PA and EA 6 years ago with my then closest friend. He told me, we had been having some problems and he is a very isolated man who does not find it easy to make friends. He said they were 'connected' (don't laugh) but he wanted to remain friends with her. Despite my huge misgivings I tolerated it, there were fights along the way, always about her and the fact I didn't believe it was just friendship but things went on. We even went away with them after the A and I never told OWH as they had a small child and I was assured that that side of their relp was over.

She was consistently nasty towards me but again I tolerated it, got on with my own life and did all I could to rebuild my marriage. 5 years down the road I found an email saying he loved her and I said I was leaving. He begged and begged me to stay, said it was over but also admitted that it had been sexual several times although he never wanted to. (I have seen some emails that support this but it didn't actually stop him!!)

We sent a NC letter and although she did send several texts all begging, poor me, stupid skank, I understand there has been nothing for a couple of weeks now.

He has always deleted stuff from his phone and they had a secret email addy so my difficulty is not believing that they are not still in contact. He is deep down a good man and part of me doesn't think he would mess with her head but the anxiety is huge. I have been very clear that if I find he has been speaking to her i will leave and it's clear he needds me more than I need him, but it doesn't stop it being horrid.

She lives 20 miles away and it's unlikely he will meet her accidentally, he has said he will change his mobile no, but it's his business phone and he only has the one.

We are trying, we are both in counselling separately, spending quality time together, it's when i am home alone working or bored that the thoughts creep in. I know they are unhealthy but don't know how to stop them. They eat at me, I know they aren't healthy and are damaging, how long does this last??

Sorry this is so long.

Ideas please!!

Are you serious about this?
No 2nd, 3rd, 4th chance?

ARE YOU SURE ???

Because if you are sure, and not just saying threats, then you must live up to that promise you made.

Put a GPS on H's car.
Hire a PI.

Find out if he is still in contact with OW.

Having said that, odds are HUGE that your H is still in contact with OW, one way or another.

Are you going to leave or are you going to use MB Plans?

Please, let us know.
If your only decision is to find out if he is still cheating and leave, we don't need to school you on the MB plans.

So, what's it going to be?

MB Plans or not?

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

NO! He cannot remain friends with her! You must expose to the OWH for your sake and his. Who assured you it was over?? Wrong!

Your H never wanted the sex?? A blatant lie.

How do you know there has been nothing for several weeks? Was this truth from your H?? Don't believe it.

You are right that living 20 miles away, he won't accidentally meet her. He will "purposely" meet her. My wife's OM lived about 1000 miles away and it didn's stop her!

Your H will continue to keep the A alive as long as you allow it! Expose the A and follow the advice here. Killing an A is like following a recipe. Some of the ingredients may be different, but the pudding is still the same. Kill the A and move into plan A.

Do not allow your H to have his cake and eat it too. Don't be a doormat!

Also let the OWH know even if they have a small child. Let him know that that child may or may not be his. I think he has a right to know this. Also expose to their inner circles, family and friends.

If you are firm on your word then you will leave him. Just let everyone know why.

A good start is for you to let her husband know of the 1st affair and the subsequent one. Even though you think the affair is over do not assume this, for your peace of mind arrange for a polygraph test. Do not tell when , give him x amount of time to tell you all then schedule the test. Let him know the day before. If you still are not at easy schedule a test for say every quarter , it may peeve your husband off but hey what is he doing to evidence full transparency and 100% commitment to you and the marriage. There are no more chances for him, draw the line in the sand.

I have told OWH now, that happened once I knew that the last 5 years had been full of lies, I had also previously told many of her friends and colleagues and as far as I know he has now left her as a direct result of my news to him, though I think he was also playing away. are all men b*****ds?

yes I will leave if I find they have continued contact, escape fund is ready and waiting and he knows it. He is clear there are no further chances and although depressed he seems to be open.

Not easy to get lie detector tests in the UK

MB palns seemed to be underway prior to my stumbling on this site, letter sent, OWH told, counselling and honesty....

I am not so concerned about him maintaining contact, my worries are more about my own feelings damaging any chance of recovery.

Bearing in mind that the OWH is likely going to be angry at YOU as well, for participating and enabling your H's deception. Hs do not like to look like cuckolds, and you played a part in that by not only deliberately keeping information about his wife's adulterous activities with your H from him, but also by pretending that nothing was wrong when you were together.

In any case, he still needs to be told.

Thanks for being clear.

OK

Then you must KNOW if he is lying by any means available.

I strongly suggest you GPS his car and insist he become 100% transparent.
His failure to become 100% transparent is an automatic "cheat" and you leave.

You can begin MB recovery via home study.

See the info in the link top right of the page.

to recap:
You have done exposure, on your own, before finding MB.
You have made a NC letter and sent it, excellent.
You live in the UK, thats just cool.
You have let him know that if NC continues you are prepared to leave and you will leave. This is his last chance.
He is supporting NC so far, since you havent left.

Well I think you guys are off to a great start. I would also suggest removing any ways that they can possibly get back in contact. Change phone numbers, even your address if you have to. Continue to snoop phone records, and FB, also dig a little deeper and look for an affair phone, or secret email accounts.

Create a list of things that have to be done in order to affair proof your marriage and get the trust back. Order Surviving an Affair, and His Needs Her Needs read them together. Start spe

Unless your husband evidences his commitment you will spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. There has to be a polygraph option available this is a sure fire way of knowing the truth, the only other option is his commitment to you in words, actions and deeds. You require full transparency and he should be willing to do this without pressure. As you are here I suspect you currently do not believe him.

I think part of being here is about knowing I am not the only woman who has been duped and is trying to put things back together.

We have been married for 20 years and I just don't want to give up without a fight. we have so many good things going for us, nice lifestyle, lovely house (although thats about to go on the market) good sex life and we are friends.

I guess much of this will just be time passing along with hard work from both of us, but it is hard.

I can't get a polygraph, I have to find other ways of learning to trust, so far the evidence is that there is no contact, as I said he will change his number but it will be problematic and I do look at his phone anyway. In the UK I can't access his phone records legally, and don't get itemised bills either!

I will order the book tho. Thanks

I would say if you can hire a PI to make sure he is telling the truth about the contact...........you have to know for sure, or the GPS, keylogger on comp, VAR things like that. If he is in contact stick to your plan B and make him chose which relationship is more important.........
good luck

This is transparency. He needs to allow you to see them.

Google polygraph test UK and a long lost of providers appears

The jury's not back with the verdict on this one, but a small sample (recently-posting MB BS's) would suggest that "bi**hes" are leading "b*****ds" by about a 5 - 4 margin.

It doesn't really matter, does it? Your situation would hurt no more or less if you knew your WH was the first one in the history of civilization, or the continuation of an unbroken line going back to Adam.

Please listen to the veterans here. And (here comes a minor 2 x 4), check and start dropping your use of the "I can't......" sentences. Here, the operating attitude is "How do I........"

Yes, and wet.

Tanam, roughly where in the UK are you? (Don't be specific if you don't want to be.) I'm in London.

If you have a lovely lifestyle, then you can afford a polygraph. What makes you say you can't get one?

How do you know you can't access his phone records legally?

What would stop you going to the network provider website and registering the account online? If you could do that, you could look up the records online. you would need to have the phone with you when you register, so that the website can send you a verification message.

If the phone is already registered by the business, then you won't be able to do it again - but have you tried?

Does he have any ownership of the business that he works for?

Hi,

I live in Derbyshire UK.

Thanks for the responses,

Yes he owns 51% of the business, he has agreed to change the number and seems currently to want her gone as much as I do, and tho he has / we have sent the letter, she continues with texts occasionally, he has been open and we have either responded or not by agreement but now see that the NC has to kick in properly. So new phone ans sim will be destroyed. She does know where we live and we plan to move but takes time when you have to sell in a depressed housing market!

It's just so hard to keep the pictures out of my head, to stop myself being triggered into rage and despondency. I am so angry with him for hurting e for so long all the while pretending they were just friends...

Sorry it's 2 in the morning and couldn't sleep, it just goes round and round.

I am going away for two weeks in April and have already decided that this needs to be the time when I get a VAR in his car, if I don't do it before, although I hope by then we will either be on the way to recovery or plan B will be in place!

thanks for reading

It is imperative that he change his cell phone number. Your posts are consistently referencing her texts to him, so this is a Must Do. Plenty of business people have changed their cell phone numbers. He'll have to reconnect with some people to give them his new number, but it can be done.

VAR and GPS units are also good to get and use.

Twenty miles is nothing in travel time. We've got waywards on here right now who are flying around the globe to hook up with their affair partners.

Why are you leaving him alone for two weeks??

I second the VAR and GPS. You will know very soon how committed he is. My wife talked with the OM only when she was in her car. And the GPS would have showed her going to the airport to pick him up.

This will take a long, long time to recover from, if ever. I am several months out, and I have day to day ups and downs. She's worth it but I'm still bitter...