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I don't understand why the BH can not get a DNA test without having to share that information with OM? What if he is the biological dad? It would not be the first time a woman has been wrong. There is a talk show that seems to be doing paternity test every time I surf by where a woman is certain that someone is the father of her child and turns out he isn't.
It would be beyond tragic if they tell the child she is an OC, tell his family she is an OC, continue to go through this court mess, and then learn that she is biologically BH's.
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Exodus1414, there was a DNA sample submitted for testing, albeit by the OM. Don't think the guy would be litigating for custody if the results didn't say he was the father. But you're right, no reason why they can't have the test repeated. Easy enough to do, just go on the LabCorps website and follow the instructions.
The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Except for the fact that if they have a DNA test and the OM finds out about it, he could use that information in court to help his case.
I don't think a DNA test has been done already has it?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I agree my first post I mentioned a few things that you need to do one of those things was exposie this affair and tell his/yours family about the OC.
The longer you wait the worse it will be.
Two things might happen
1.) They will be very angry and feel betrayed.
2.) They will understand and help you with the custody battle.
Either way you have to tell them and if you think waiting is better then good luck.
Since your not 100 percent sure it is ur husband just tell them that it might not be their sons until u do a DNA test and you can't do that until everything is settled with the courts.
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Believe me, I feel awful not telling my in-laws. I want to get it out there, but BH can't handle that right now. I hope we can tell them soon. I just wish I knew how to tell them. OM did a non-legal test behind my back the one and only time he saw the child, but no one saw him perform it. That's why we have our doubts about its credibility. My H and I had only started trying, so it's not like we were having issues getting preggie. And our plan is to get a DNA test done after all the court stuff and at that point tell everyone everything, including OC. Ideally later OC can decide if she wants to know OM. At least that's the plan. But my daily plan is more focused on supporting my BH. He read this thread earlier and said he knows he will be okay in the end as long as we walk away with our M intact. Apparently something is getting through to him.  Thank you all for the support!
Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
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If they get a DNA sample kit, swab the child and the husband and submit it to LabCorp, how's anyone gong to know?
edited because you don't need a physician order or a court order to get a paternity test
Last edited by americajin; 01/11/11 05:20 PM.
The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Except for the fact that if they have a DNA test and the OM finds out about it, he could use that information in court to help his case.
I don't think a DNA test has been done already has it? BTW, the WW in this case seems pretty convinced that the OM is the bio father of this OC. In fact, she has told both OM and her BH of that (likely) fact. Yes, she could be wrong, but I would imagine that she wouldn't have spilled all that to those 2 men and on these boards unless she had a pretty firm idea. No details necessary, but suffice it to say, that she knows the who�s and why�s quite well I�m sure. As far as the legal repercussions of a paternity test, I only hope that the BH is fully apprised of his options and the long-range ramifications thereof. If he is and is prepared to accept them for the next 18 years no matter what, than that is his choice. [I am assuming here that what others have posted about the OM having no legal right to compel a paternity test w/o the BH requesting it is correct. We would need a lawyer to answer this for us, but it seems logical to me that the BH could get himself & OC tested for his own personal knowledge without the results being legally discoverable by the OM as long as BH & WW are still married. I could be wrong about that�maybe someone with legal expertise could clear this up.] But, I suspect that the BH here is probably acting out of fear and shame rather than his own best self-interest. He doesn�t want the affair exposed. He is too ashamed to let his parents know that their grandchild is/may be from an OM. He apparently has bonded (understandably) with the baby. I hope these factors are not clouding his long-term judgment. If he wants to attempt recovery with his WW and to raise this OC as �their own�, its best to go into it with everyone�s eyes opened. Right now there seems to be a lot of hiding and denial going on and we all know where that leads.
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If you get the DNA test done, it just may save you quite a bit in court costs if it comes back as your husband as the putative father.
Nobody does a DNA test at home, it's just a sample kit that you have to mail in to a lab.
The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Removed since others had already made the point.
Last edited by Exodus1414; 01/11/11 06:05 PM. Reason: I'm slow on the keyboard
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WH,
When a few months back I called one of the internet DNA testing sites the operator I spoke with recommended using a gift credit card, not traceable, and giving a false name.
Some sites will post the results online with a special code being given over the phone to access the results, that is no name is attached to the results.
God Bless
Gamma
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WH, I am just so sorry that your family is having to go through this.....all of you.
I wanted to share with you a story that hopefully will give you some hope. It's about this woman who had a "summer love" with a man she met at a University. She loved him dearly, but he broke it off at the end of the summer after his seminar class was over. It wasn't until after she found out she was pregnant that she found out this guy was married. He was willing to help her.....but he didn't want anyone to know who the father was. She gave birth to the baby....and 10 weeks later that baby was adopted. This baby grew up with two parents who loved her dearly, though they shared no DNA. 42 years later, this baby is a grown woman who loves and appreciates the very REA: parents who taught her to walk, to ride a bike, to love God, and to be her best.
That girl is me. M and M may not have any DNA in common with me, but we were/are as authentic a family as has ever been. Your DH may not share DNA or eye color or recessive genes with your baby......but that does not mean he cannot be a very real father.
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It depends on the state. In certain states, the husband is assumed to be the father of the child, and if he does not contest paternity himself, then no one else can claim custody. The OM cannot get the paternity tested. That is the way the law should be. If a man fathers a child with a married woman, he shouldn't have any rights to the child. To he11 with him. He trampled all over the rights of the BH. If OM wants a child, he can have one with an eligible female. He shouldn't be allow to break up a marriage which could possible have other kids involved as well. You may feel different if and when you have children. Sorry. Don't agree. What? The WW has no part in this?
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It depends on the state. In certain states, the husband is assumed to be the father of the child, and if he does not contest paternity himself, then no one else can claim custody. The OM cannot get the paternity tested. That is the way the law should be. If a man fathers a child with a married woman, he shouldn't have any rights to the child. To he11 with him. He trampled all over the rights of the BH. If OM wants a child, he can have one with an eligible female. He shouldn't be allow to break up a marriage which could possible have other kids involved as well. You may feel different if and when you have children. Sorry. Don't agree. What? The WW has no part in this? Who is saying that the WW has no part in this? If you're thinking that there are no consequences for the WW in an OC situation, you are sorely mistaken. I've been living it for almost three years now, and I have suffered plenty of consequences for my actions.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I don't understand how anything I've said shows a lack of remorse. I've offered to let my BH go and give him everything, but he wants to stay in it and continue building a family together. I do too, but I want my BH to be happy again someday. Maybe not now; maybe not for years. But someday I want him to feel like he made the best decision for himself--whether it's with or without me. I'm not forcing him to stay with me. Despite one year of horrible, we've had over a decade of really good. Maybe that's enough for him to want to stay. I can't get into his head to know the whys, but he's dead set against a D. I'm thrilled with that, but I don't want to see him self-destruct.
As for the OM, we're not concerned right now with how he's feeling. We figure the court will determine the outcome for us. Right now we don't even know the paternity for sure (no real test was ever done, but OM wants to know). My BH feels like OM has no right to demand a DNA test. And if OM gets rights, so be it, but a third party will have to handle all exchanges. I never want to hear from OM or see him again. And my BH may slip and kill him if he saw him, so that eliminates him from any C as well. We've made our decision to stick together no matter what the outcome, and my BH does not see OM in the OC. He actually still believes OC is his own. He hates the thought of finding out otherwise. I don't blame him; I can't imagine being in his shoes. I'm trying to understand so that I can do what I need to do to help him...or point him to help here on MB. I'm still working on trying to get him to post. No luck yet on that.
And I do appreciate getting the "other" perspective, because I WANT to know how to empathize with my BH. That's why I posted here in the first place. I want him to know this will never happen again, which I can't expect him to blindly trust, but I'll do my best to show him the truth of my conviction for the rest of my life. BH has full access to everything. He knows the full truth about everything, reads my posts here, has all access to my phone, and I've even told him about programs he can use to monitor everything I do on the computer. I've encouraged him to track my car mileage and will get a GPS phone if that helps. He's not even the one who wants to do all of this, but I WANT his accountability. I acted like a whore and his mercy toward me was undeserved. So now we're recovering...at least trying to.
Meloday Lane, when you said you would have trouble accepting a DIL who did this to your son, do you have any advice on how my BH and I can handle that? I am VERY close to my in-laws (we see them several times a week) and that relationship is very important to us. I don't know if there's any way to salvage that after all of this, but I want to try. My BH insists on waiting to expose it to them, since we're still waiting on the facts to all come in, but it's gonna happen eventually. Any advice for that talk? Our pastor, who knows everything, is willing to go with us as a mediator, but I don't know what's a good idea and what's not.
Thank you for the help and advice. I want to help my M and my BH. That's all I care about right now. This can all be ended with a DNA test. If you find out the daughter is your BH's, then this whole thing is over and you can choose or not choose to tell your MIL. As to your question, I would say it depended on your MIL. My mother would think I was a fool to stay with a woman who got pregnant with another man's child and would never really accept that child as her own or ever truly forgive the WW.
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Except for the fact that if they have a DNA test and the OM finds out about it, he could use that information in court to help his case.
I don't think a DNA test has been done already has it? My experience with my own DNA test to confirm my birth father: These tests can be done anonymously. When they are anonymous they can be done in the privacy of the home, but they will not stand up in court. Anonymous testers receive a certain 'code number' when they submit a sample and have to reference that number when they discuss the sample with the lab. The only way DNA test results will withstand court scrutiny is if both subjects have their tests performed at an approved testing site while they are witnessed by a special lab employee who then signs a notarized document swearing that she/he witnessed the tester actually performing the swab sample. They do not have to have the tests done at the same time or even at the same site. The tests will not come back showing 100% confirmation of parentage. It will confirm that there is a 99.89999% (or other high number when it's a 'positive' test) chance that the two being tested are biologically related. The testing certificate will also state that in the opinion of the testing center, the two subjects are, or are not, related. A judge can compel a parent to have their child's DNA sample submitted to the court in a custody dispute.
Last edited by maritalbliss; 01/11/11 07:23 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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A judge can compel a parent to have their child's DNA sample submitted to the court in a custody dispute. Do you mean the DNA sample that they took themselves? This wouldn't meet the stringent conditions of a court-ordered test (the witness to the swab etc). The court would lay itself open to a fraudulent sample being used - e.g. a sibling's DNA. Or do you mean that they could be ordered to undergo a test, under the conditions you described?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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It depends on the state. In certain states, the husband is assumed to be the father of the child, and if he does not contest paternity himself, then no one else can claim custody. The OM cannot get the paternity tested. That is the way the law should be. If a man fathers a child with a married woman, he shouldn't have any rights to the child. To he11 with him. He trampled all over the rights of the BH. If OM wants a child, he can have one with an eligible female. He shouldn't be allow to break up a marriage which could possible have other kids involved as well. You may feel different if and when you have children. Sorry. Don't agree. What? The WW has no part in this? Who is saying that the WW has no part in this? If you're thinking that there are no consequences for the WW in an OC situation, you are sorely mistaken. I've been living it for almost three years now, and I have suffered plenty of consequences for my actions. I was countering the point that the OM has no rights. I could just as easily argue that the WW has no rights and should give up the OC to OM. THAT is my point. Arguing otherwise is sexist. It puts women above men in the parenting equation. He is as much of a parent to the OC as she is. She could just as easily, as thousands of women do, keep quiet and let her BH raise this child as his own without him ever knowing any different. Too many men have found out after a D that some or all of the children he raised aren't his and then HE is stuck with CS. There are MASSIVE consequences for a man to raise an OC, to include the fact that he would be liable for CS if she decides to stray again or leave. So forgive me if I disagree. You have the rare breed of man willing to raise a child that isn't his. That's good for you. But this poor man isn't thinking clearly. There is a nasty and unhealthy situation which in reality can be put to rest with a DNA test, considering that the BH could very well be the father. If that's the case, then this whole thing ends.
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A judge can compel a parent to have their child's DNA sample submitted to the court in a custody dispute. Do you mean the DNA sample that they took themselves? This wouldn't meet the stringent conditions of a court-ordered test (the witness to the swab etc). The court would lay itself open to a fraudulent sample being used - e.g. a sibling's DNA. Or do you mean that they could be ordered to undergo a test, under the conditions you described? I'm pretty confident that she means that a court would only accept court approved methods.
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Do you mean the DNA sample that they took themselves? This wouldn't meet the stringent conditions of a court-ordered test (the witness to the swab etc). The court would lay itself open to a fraudulent sample being used - e.g. a sibling's DNA.
Or do you mean that they could be ordered to undergo a test, under the conditions you described? The judge will more than likely allow a notarized test done if his court approves of the testing site. (There are quite a few.) Tests done at home are worthless to the court. The chain of custody of the samples cannot be confirmed. So yes, you're correct - he would tell them they needed to perform the witnessed test. I would suggest an at-home test in this case. It's equally accurate to a notarized test but isn't admissible in court.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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I'm pretty confident that she means that a court would only accept court approved methods. Yeppers. That's why I'd suggest they do an at-home. The court will not allow that test to be admitted.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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