Moderators, i cant find the Moderator button, please move this thread to Surviving an Affair. Apparently thats where i belong. Could you please move this for me.
Thanks Cherish Her

You wrote you adore the daughters and I'm assuming the feeling is mutual. The 18 year old must have lived with you for the 11 years of M before going to college. What do the DDs think about separation or are you saying wife cut you off from contact with daughters - why would she do that? Your wife leaves you and now wants to live with you in house so her daughter has somewhere to live? Getting wife back into the home improves the chances of recovering your marriage. My fear for you is that your wife will not end EA with men she is in contact with which means she will become a cakeater - have a home with you and get her emotional needs met elsewhere. Continue Plan A, especially stick part.

Gg

GG,
at this point i am out of options, She talked to Dr.Harley today, she wants the house i told her take it. I insisted on The immediate No Contact with the EA-OM and complete transparencey. Dr. Harley stated i am in a very tough situation. So for me, if the No Contact becomes an issue, then she is free to go, just not with me or any of my support.

She did ask to get on a call with me next week and Dr. Harley so she could ask a couple of questions...Which shocked the **** out of me as you can imagine. Tonight for the first time, she is actually reading the MB concepts, i told her do 5 pages call it a night, but do it every night.

At this point, due to the uniqueness of the Situation, i made a judgement call. If i move into the house, we are for sure done 100%. So she can have it, i am about emotionally drained on Plan A, as my love bank is getting very very Low.

Will keep you updated...
Cherish Her

Shouldn't you be asking or suggesting and not telling her? Seems a bit controlling to me.

That is good news, I think, about her wanting to talk with Dr. H.

This is great - Harley did make a difference compared to where she was prior to the call. While she's in conflict-withdarawl she won't make deposits - you're going to hoave to have lots o f patience. How long do you think you can take Plan A? Harley says typically six month for men.

Gg

Wait?? Why should YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE??

I would NOT MOVE OUT!!!

The would be the worst mistake you can possibly do.

CherishHer,

Just thought I would check in and see if you are taking care of yourself through all of this. You've been working extremely hard at this for less than a month -- very, very commendable. You are an inspirations for men that need to do hard work on their relationship.

But are you coping well? Will you burn out? Dr Harley suggests in one of his articles that almost all his patients get an anti-axiety or anti-depressive prescription during marital realignment. This is going to be a long road. You have made a lot of progress since your Christmas post. Sounds as if your wife might have a glimmer of a chance to join you on the journey.

But are you prepared for burn out? Will you hit the wall some day? Consider asking Dr Harley if you should visit your physician or a good Psychiatrist that can explore the medical options.

Good luck ! Keep it up !

Powerbane, i agree, i have been working really hard at phrasing everything as a request. I thought back about it, i think i phrased more like, i would like you to cease all contact in your Emotional affair, it is hurting me deeply, and until your ready to do that, we have no chance. (something close too that) Thanks for the input...


GG, thank you so much. Dr. Harley did make a difference, she is considering ending EA and getting transparent. As for me, i probably have 3 more months left in me Via Plan A. I have been at it for over A month now, and was doing similar things prior to finding MB. The patience part is actually getting really easy. She did tell me last night, she puts her ring on once in awhile when no one is around, and misses wearing it. Last night was the first real Positive Feedback i have had as to where her mind is at. I am in a tough spot, but i believe the Road to Recovery for Me and Our Marriage continues to lie with me as i continue on Plan A. I was excited that she finally read a little bit of MB, Huge Step for her. At this time, i am getting exactly Zero of my EN'S met, and dumping large amounts into her Love Bank, While avoiding Love Busters. Thanks for the support.



Sapphire, She already moved into her parents 6 weeks ago. I am in a new house myself, and have an opportunity to move into a house she always wanted. The ice here is very very thin, and Dr.Harley talked to me about the Options. At this point, the only sensible one, is to let her have that House, me to stay where i am out, and get her out of the Negative Family enviorment. My only request, was i wanted to know if she was going to Continue her EA, or Cease it, so that i knew what i should do. The has made huge strides in the last week, she even told D1 that there was a strong Possibility that i would be Moving back in down the Road, and how did she feel about that, and she was good with it. She would never even consider having that discussion, if she was not thinking about it, that is a Glimmer of Hope that what i am doing is working. Its a very very Fine Line. Thanks for the input though, i appreciate it.



Stretch,
thank you so very much. With the MB Concepts, once you understand them, its like WOW, heres what the possiblity can be in my marriage, and that is Like Fuel for the Fire. Its all i ever wanted, but i was not a good husband, thank goodnes for the wake up call. We are seeing glimmers of hope, like i said above, She actually discussed with D1 who is 18 years old, the possiblity that i could be moving in with them in the future. (THATS A HUGE FLICKER FOR ME) I am working hard across all boards, Health, Work, MB Concepts, Its like i know i want to get a PHD in MB and my Marriage. It will take time, but well worth all the effort. I am not worried about burning out, as much as i am cocerned about my Love Bank Going compeltely Dry. She read MB stuff last night for the first time with no prompting, had a call with DR. Harley yesterday, and is considering a Joint call with Both of us in 2 weeks. I cant ask for any more than that, during this stage. She is like a very Spring Loaded Wild animal, that could Run like crazy. But she definately is liking what she is seeing. (Very scared that the old guy, who we have nick named the DICTATOR will show back up, i continue to remind her that guy is Dead) Thanks for the Wonderful Feedback and compliments, you made my day. Thank You

Cherish Her

Sorry CH!

I know that writing does not convey all of the emotion of the moment and it wasn't meant as a bash at you!

I'm still recovering as well - my wife almost walked out for some of the same reasons as yours did. I find myself slipping into bad habits sometimes.

Take care of yourself too, ok?

Good luck!!!

Powerbane,
no worries at all, i love having these forums for support, answers, and feedback, as well as accountability. Best thing i can say, your W almost walked out, Do everything in your power to meet EN's and avoid LBing at all costs. The MB principals are amazing, and i am starting to see some results after a Month, when she was Adament about Divorce.

I know what you mean about the Habits, i study for 2 hours every day off and on, to constantly be working on me. Hang in their my Friend, Cherish your wife, Give it all you can, Be her Lighthouse.

You might try this...
I have an affirmation card on me at all times, it says...
I have a High School Education in Marriage, i want a PHD in Meeting my
Wifes Needs, My Daughters Needs, and Our Marriage Needs...

And i love that phrase, i might have to borrow it..

Woke up 12/2009 and realized i was an Idiot for Neglecting my Wife... (ITS FABULOUS)

Have a fantastic week, if i can do anything at all please ask or let me know.

Regards,
Cherish Her

I was so hoping you would say something like this to your W - I'm glad you did.

Gg

Hello Fellow Friends,

Today has been tough, first time that i am feeling emotionally Exhausted, and actually questioned my decision to save my marriage. I know its the right choice, and MB has been priceless to me.

Its tough to realize when you get the wake up call, and understand you have neglected your Wife, childeren and family.

Wife asked me to try and get a specific house for her, she had a call with Dr. Harely yesterday. I chose to tell her i was going to move in there from my current home and she was welcome to come. (BLEW A FUSE is not even CLOSE) Keep in mind she is living in Camper, D1 is in House with Grand Parents, D2 is living with BF right now, but deserpately needs a place.

Well, after an emotional breakdown last night, we agreed she could take the house, and i would stay here, and she would CEASE EA. Today, the guilt hits her, and she calls and says you take the house, i will keep living homeless in the Camper.

I expressed to her, getting her and both our children into a home was #1 priorty for me. Well, i get everything finalized today, she was at my home, (Gave her Foot massage, and back massage, then snuggled on bed for 1 hour watching her favorite Movie) She says ok, its done. An hour later, i get a text, you take the house, i talked to my parents they dont want you helping me at all, they said they would.

So now, after all the emotional ups and downs for 2 days, i am Exhausted, i had a Chance to be her HERO, and parents ripped that away, so i see where we had an opportunity to really pick up some steam in our Marriage slip away almost instantly.

Just curious, how others deal with this, and am i Just going Crazy???? The Taker almost jumped out tonight, in the meantime i am working like Mad to Fill LB and Avoid LB as much as possible. Right now we are at about 7-10 hrs a week of UA, but i am getting NOTHING IN RETURN, ZERO DEPOSITS.

Thanks
CHERISH HER

Have you talked to her parents about this? Can you make them understand that you are trying to pull your family back together?

I would suggest that you go to them and sit down with them to explain your goal to recover your M and need their help. They are enabling the destruction of your M.

Would they be willing to listen to you in order to understand that they would not only be helping their D, but their grandchildren as well?

Maritalbliss,
at this point all they see is the old Me, The one W and I have now named the DICTATOR. They have no care for me whatsoever, and would prefer i fell off the face of the earth. We have had financial difficaulty the last 2 years, but everyone loved me 5 ys ago when we were making 300k a year. I fear if i went to them, They would slam the door in my face so fast, and they are no help... Do you have another idea or Plan? I am all ears Ma'am. Thank you for your response.


They would be very sad to see us work it out...and they feel i am the Toxic Spouse. If they knew how much time she had been spending with me lately, they would Freak Out.

Cherish Her

This would make me even more inclined to suggest you go to them, hat in hand and bowing a bit in humility, to ask them for their help.

You won't know about the door slam until you try. I suspect they will let you in the house and will listen to you.

I'm a girl.
Although I just took one of those 'for-fun' online quizzes yesterday that said I'm in touch with my 'masculine side,' whatever that means, LOL!

I didn't even think of this. I guess cause I'm a guy.

You take the house, if this is the one she wants. This would be another thing to entice her into coming back.

I bet you could talk her into helping you decorating it.

I'm a girl.
Although I just took one of those 'for-fun' online quizzes yesterday that said I'm in touch with my 'masculine side,' whatever that means, LOL! [/quote]
Thank you so much MaritalBliss, that is a good concept that i am stashing in My arsenal for 2morrow if needed i will pull it out. I have no issues with humility at this stage, it was humbling enough realizing the Dictator was in fact a Dictator who neglected his wife and Family.


Clark,
LOL, i was thinking the same thing, i wouldnt have thought of that cause i am a guy.
I believe worst case, if she doesnt take the house, i will, then Turn that thing into
her dream home. That should help and over time she can get past the fact i moved there.

If that happens, i will definately get her to come decorate it for sure, that i know
she would be inclined to do.

Thanks for your Input, been a long Emotional Day.

Cherish Her

@Cherish -

You mentioned something about your needs not being met. What are your top 5 ENs?

I know how it feels, I definitely have that T-shirt, but don't you think that you're in a better place than you were, say, two weeks ago? Keep plugging at it. It sounds as though you're seeing progress.


Both of you being involved with decorating would be a great opportunity for $LB deposits and UA. Don't pass that up!

Clark,
my top 5 ENs

Admiration
Sexual Fulfullment
Financial Security
Family Committment
Affection

I know, not your typical mans EN's, The hard part for me, as i am making deposits. I may tell Wife i really enjoyed hanging out with her massaging feet and watchig movie together..

No affirmation, just on to something she wants to Conversation about. I am really enjoying talking to her as of late, as she is talking so much more about herself than she ever has and feelings. (Now that i am a better Listener)

I know because of MB, we are making leaps and bounds. Its emotionally exhausting to Give so much, and keep getting my Love Bank Depleted.

Thank you
Cherish Her