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LOL! HeadHeldHigh & all the rest of the posters here who actually have something to say about rants. There are groanings for which the Spirit can only give utterance to - one of them being the utter destruction of the very ultimate covenant a man & woman can make to one another before God on this planet. So, it is as this post suggests,  "IMVHO as a newbie (almost 3 months since Dday), I have to say that the harshness thing doesn't quite sit well with me. This situation, by its very nature, is HARSH. I have never felt this kind of pain or worked this hard for anything in my life! I feel like I am fighting for my life!! If a WS comes on here and feels they are judged too "harshly", so be it. How "harsh" do they think their BS views the actions of someone they trusted completely and implicitly who then took a huge crap on their marriage and everything they believed to be true? Now, do I see the pain in my H's eyes every time I look at him? Yes. Do I feel sorry for him? Sometimes, but that is the protector in me that hurts when someone I love hurts. However, I am being stripped of everything I knew of my life, piece by piece, day by day. I look in the mirror and see another woman looking back at me and I don't always recognize who she is. My life and my future are so up in the air right now, if I really let it get stuck in my brain, the fear will consume me. I think a great deal of what is wrong with our society in general is that we seem to be focused on making people feel "accepted" and "validated". Its just like when my boys played little league baseball - you got a trophy at the end of the season just for showing up. Everybody got one, regardless of performance. If you are gonna be rewarded no matter what, then what is the motivation for doing your best? I may be overstepping my boundaries by speaking my mind, but if you are a WS and you feel that you are being treated "harshly", baby, you brought it on yourself. We BS, on the other hand, would not have chosen to travel this path in a million years...but then we were not given a choice, were we?" This is true, and a WS who is truly repentant actually lives with the repentant heart DAILY, hourly, etc... I know. I've seen it. My Father is one of those people. My WS/still spouse is not willing to acknowledge the hurt, or if he does it is, "Well, I'm sorry you're hurt, but it is going beyond a healthy level..." Excuse me???? HEALTHY LEVEL?  You cheated on me - you gave yourself whole heartedly to another and I'm the one who is insane & unhealthy ?? WTH???  IMHO, reconcilation cannot and will not beging until true repentance is sought out & brought before another person.  For my Father, it took being completely cut off from his family for a year. I will not forget the change that has happen & continued to happen in his heart. I know what legalism is in the church, and unfortunately, my WS exhibits that behavior daily. His battle? He wants me to say it all "nicely" & with 'respect'  . When I did that x 3 months (after having our first baby), three men in our church came & confronted him on how he had been treating me. My WS's response to me was, "don't you think you were playing a victim role?"  Yeah, talk about sickening attempts of manipulation. It doesn't work with me. It doesn't work in marriage. He has tried continually to get me to "accept" what happened - God does not require acceptance of sin, but hatred of it. I just wanted to sa, thanks to all who are being real out there. The most respectful thing a WS can do is seek a same-gendered support group where they have accountability ... and not bring up how they feel for a while (unless asked by the betrayed spouse). Spot on. And that is why I think I have been able to make it as far as I feel I have, in the time I have. Yes, FWW was a typical WS right from teh get-go. She followed the script, she denied until I snooped it out... then lied until my own Plan A and pressure for honesty broke the dishonesty. I went nutty... tried to push her away and she refused to be pushed. She withstood my Hiroshima-scale AO's (for me, I am really just not an angry person) and rather than steaming back or stomping off... would just hold me closer. She is the daily, hourly repentant WS... and I am the inviting BS. Sometimes it digs at me; this isn't what she had to do to "get my attention," she always had it. She just didn't realize that rejecting it at every turn except when she "thought" she needed it would drive me into myself. Hell, neither did I. Up until I withdrew, this was the husband I tried to be, but I was limited to her "convenience" as well as my own resources. No more. Nor would I accept going back to that.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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..For instance, on other boards, I pose as the Queen of France! Thats impossible, I'm the queen of France But do you wave the white flag of France??  Mel<---------Queen o' Texas!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yeah, hhh isn't kidding - I googled 'HeadHeldHigh' and here's what came up: ![[Linked Image from pic4ever.com]](http://www.pic4ever.com/images/Bananeyessss.gif)
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I have one.....My MIL, I am close with her....she understands my plan B (doesnt necessarily agree with it and doesnt know its a plan.)She knows about the part that it causes me pain to associate with him or talk about him...She says when she sees her relatives of course they ask how I am doing and she says fine....They ask if I am seeing anyone(none of their business anyway)and she says she doesnt think so....She says she doesnt tell them anything more, the details are no ones business.
Then they proceed to tell her that I need to move on and start seeing people. Get over it and stop waiting for my WH to come back...
Okay, first of all since when does moving on mean I have to be seeing someone or dating! Second, who says I am waiting for my WH just because I am not dating!!! (not my MIL, she didnt say that)...
Third, What is everyones obsession with me not dating yet!!!!!!! Who are they to say when it is time for me to date!!!! Is there some sort of time line that they know about. Leave my poor MIL alone, she does not need to be asked if her DIL is dating!!!!!...This is hurting her too....Just ask her how I am and leave it at that, the rest is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!
"OH poor stilly, she isnt dating yet...that is so sad...she isnt over WH yet...Its been over three years and she needs to get over it."
I have one thing to say to these people..."Unless you have been through it....Keep your thoughtless opinions to yourself...AND NO I AM NOT DATING ANYONE YET GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!"
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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"OH poor stilly, she isnt dating yet...that is so sad...she isnt over WH yet...Its been over three years and she needs to get over it." I would tell them you don't NEED a man in your life. You are happy with who you are. If, in the future a man comes along that deserves you then that is great. You are a great person and will not settle for anything less than a man that is right for you.
BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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... There are groanings for which the Spirit can only give utterance to - one of them being the utter destruction of the very ultimate covenant a man & woman can make to one another before God on this planet. .. If a WS comes on here and feels they are judged too "harshly", so be it. How "harsh" do they think their BS views the actions of someone they trusted completely and implicitly who then took a huge crap on their marriage and everything they believed to be true?.. IMHO, reconcilation cannot and will not beging until true repentance is sought out & brought before another person... Yeah, talk about sickening attempts of manipulation. It doesn't work with me. It doesn't work in marriage. He has tried continually to get me to "accept" what happened - God does not require acceptance of sin, but hatred of it. .. This whole post was awesome, just pickin out some highlights I really liked. Spoken like someone with conviction.
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"OH poor stilly, she isnt dating yet...that is so sad...she isnt over WH yet...Its been over three years and she needs to get over it." I would tell them you don't NEED a man in your life. You are happy with who you are. If, in the future a man comes along that deserves you then that is great. You are a great person and will not settle for anything less than a man that is right for you. Yeah, Why do people do this anyway? Lol. I suppose they think they know better. Reminds me of the saying, "A friend in need is a PITA", sometimes they are.
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But do you wave the white flag of France?? Mel<---------Queen o' Texas!! Nope, just a white hanky.
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Yeah, hhh isn't kidding - I googled 'HeadHeldHigh' and here's what came up:
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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My underlying basic rant: being AFRAID when I need to be working on my M.
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"OH poor stilly, she isnt dating yet...that is so sad...she isnt over WH yet...Its been over three years and she needs to get over it." I would tell them you don't NEED a man in your life. You are happy with who you are. If, in the future a man comes along that deserves you then that is great. You are a great person and will not settle for anything less than a man that is right for you. Yeah, Why do people do this anyway? Lol. I suppose they think they know better. Reminds me of the saying, "A friend in need is a PITA", sometimes they are. It is just so annoying, like I have no purpose unless I have a man in my life, like I need another relationship right now.....Do they think they are helping by giving this advice? I guess they mean well...Anyway, I do have a man in my life, my little man...DS is the focus of my life right now, along with me...and I am trying to "move on" by healing on the inside.... Give me a break people!!!!! I was with WH for 18 years!!! I am not even divorced yet! Just because he could dump me like a sack of potatoes, doesnt mean I am that way!!!!! Okay...I think I am done ranting for now...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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You could tell them that you aren't going to date while you're married because you don't do adultery. I bet that would shut them up.
I admire you, still. You are doing what is RIGHT instead of what "society" thinks is fine or what might bring temporary relief of loneliness or whatever. That means you have character.
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Thank you, Tawanda....I think I will tell my MIL to tell them that we are still married and that I dont do adultery...I think she will like that one ....
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Oh, farking .. get a load of the new Natalie Portman/Lisa Kudrow flick that Hollywood started pushing last week... another movie I don't plan to see.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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This is really an anti-rant or a follow-up to one of my previous rants regarding Dr. Harley referring to the OW/OM as the "lover". That description upset me. On the radio show earlier this week, either Joyce or Dr Harley mentioned something along the lines, "We don't want to refer to the other person in the affair as the lover". Hearing this made me smile and also made me wonder how much gets passed along from this forum. I hope the new editions of Dr. Harley's books uses an alternative term and not "lover".
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I bet they have heard about that term. They said last week they get a ton of emails from this forum... I am with you, armymama, I cringe!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is really an anti-rant or a follow-up to one of my previous rants regarding Dr. Harley referring to the OW/OM as the "lover". That description upset me. On the radio show earlier this week, either Joyce or Dr Harley mentioned something along the lines, "We don't want to refer to the other person in the affair as the lover". Hearing this made me smile and also made me wonder how much gets passed along from this forum. I hope the new editions of Dr. Harley's books uses an alternative term and not "lover".
AM Amen! I have a major problem with that word.
FBW in recovery
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I can think of a few words he can use in place of that term.... 
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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I can think of a few words he can use in place of that term.... Yeah, me too!
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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My rant for the week...
In observance and RESPECT for MB TOS, I'll keep this generic.
There are other boards where I post where certain posters look for every opportunity to bash another board where I also post. I've lost respect for, AND trust of, some of the posters on those boards because of this.
On one board I finally asked: if another board is so BAD... why continue to read there?
Crickets to that direct question. Lots of deflecting and strawmen though.
I'm thankful that MB keeps our forums focused on MB (marriage building) by keeping out the junk. Seems like people on MB get much more sound advice as opposed to other places where the advice can range from A-Z and leave a newbie confused and sometimes in a dangerous place.
/rant
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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