I agree with TheRoad.

Think of the chaos that could result if just any man could challenge a husband's paternity of a child of the marriage! A man who wants a married woman (even if there had been no affair) could cause all kinds of trouble by simply claiming to the father of one of her children!

Your logic does not follow.

The exhusband is the bio dad and the legal dad as well and his status can never be challanged.

The OM first has to get the court to agree to a paternity test. This rarely happens. Again the law of presumption is there to deny the OM his legal standing as the dad.

The OM knows this going in.
The OM knows the law wil give his OC to the BH.
The OM knows that he will never get to see his OC until he reaches legal age, if he can find him.

Yet the OM willing knocks up the WW.
Then cries the law is now against him.
Well the law has been against the OM before he got the WW to lift up her skirt and drop her panty's.

Highly unlikely OM will get anything.

I am no expert as I am a WW as well.

But someone wrote a useful analogy about a BS. That he is like a large donor to a library/foundation. He chooses to give it to you and you should be thankful for anything that is given. Also, from a business class you have to show the person you want the donation from admiration, show that you know that they are doing you a favor, what they get out of it from giving you a donation.

Some tips, being open and honest of course. Doing little things. Not fighting helps or expecting your BS to forgive or forget right away. Just be patient and take it one day at a time. Be there for him whenever he needs it.

Try to find things that both of you would enjoy doing together inside and outside of the house. Try having pleasant conversations besides the relationship and the affair (this pushed my BS away from talking and analyzing).

Sorry I don't have the greatest information. Good luck and make sure to take care of yourself as well. If you are not happy with yourself, then how can someone else want to be with you.

Hello I read that post after I posted most of my ramblings.

LadyClueless, I pray my MIL is as forgiving as you! Right now everyone is so happy and blissfully ignorant. I wish I never would have been so selfish and caused this to happen, but even if they never want to see me again, I hope they will continue to love the OC. OC sure loves them, and I would hate for OC to be the one who loses out because of my sin.

Please Stop!

Please Stop!

A note to all involved again,

Please STOP the conjecture on this thread and stick to the application of MB concepts. If your judgement prevents you from sharing the clear MB concepts needed to help this poster with their marriage, then refrain from posting on this thread.

I have net read the last 6 pages.
Not worth my time.

Did you answer my questions?
#1. Did your lawyer give you any time length on this type (paternity of AP) of litigation? Did he/she think it is going to be weeks/months?
The reason I ask is that this seems to be a hot bed trigger for your M. Until this is settled you may have to go into a more protective "plan". Can you call Dr.H?

Once this pressure is over, you may be able to go into a traditional plan A. But wrecking your own house? That is not in any way appropriate-- (esp. around a baby)

New question
#2. Is there a chance that this child is your H's?

It does not matter what my personal opinion is of a bio dad's rights. MB has a system that IMHO gives you the best shot at recovery. I would follow Dr H's advice

What I mean is, you can not work on a plan a if you are not safe.

In this case, I mean physically safe. I am worried about this.

I am not making your H a villian, either. He just may be over his limit. This may not be forever, but for today, right now- he seems to be at a level of anger/fear/resentment above his capacity to control.

I have said this before, (to many 2 x 4's)

Everyone has a limit. Anyone who says otherwise is just kidding themselves.

want,

as far as your inlaws, they will probably follow and support whatever path your h chooses to do

I don't think you're giving your ILs enough credit. I suspect they will honor their son's request to accept what has happened.

wh, there is something really cleansing about honesty. It is refreshing. You don't have to worry that something is going to 'come up' that you'll have to deal with. You are in control of your life when you devote it to being honest and upfront with people. I hope you and your H will take care of this sooner rather than later, for the health of your family.

Just my two cents.

Want, we exposed to my IL's the day after D-Day. I remember being scared the first time we visited them after that. My MIL and FIL had the same reaction as LadyClueless. They hugged me, told me they loved me, and that I was their daughter always.

My MIL made a statement a couple of years ago that really struck me....for forgiving people, forgiveness is always possible.

For sure, you aren't giving your ILs enough credit.

My nephew's oldest daughter is not his biological daughter. He did have it confirmed via DNA testing, but it doesn't matter to him.

HE was there for the pregnancy, HE has been the one to raiser her. They pulled off some gymnastics to have the parental rights stripped.

That little girl is my sister's granddaughter, and nothing can dispute that.

It's not the child facing rejection here. And by being dishonest, you are only stacking the odds against you. The longer you wait, the worse it will get.

I think your IL's reaction depends on their background and culture.

This wouldn't fly at all with my family, especially if they were fooled for months into believing that the child was mine.

The best way to approach this right now is to let the legal matters ride. You can't control the pace or the outcome.

So the focus, at this point, is on whether or not you can save your marriage.

The real test will come when the OM is or is not given rights and that comes to a resolution.

Right now there is a bond between you and your H that is based on a very unhealthy dynamic that is rooted in conflict. The OM is the enemy, and you two are squaring off against him.

I believe this is holding your H back from confronting the reality that you cheated on him and have a child from another man.

This legal fight gives him an out to cope with his emotions by deflecting his anger at you towards OM.

You might really have your hands full when OM is out of the picture and the BH is forced to deal with the reality.

My gut tells me that the OM will likely not be given rights. He's already been denied and the odds of reversal are low. So the truth is that you could focus your efforts on starting to heal.

Focusing on OM and what happens legally with him will hold you in an artificial mode of bonding, but it's one based on conflict.

Not healthy.

I wouldn't bang a married woman, so I'm not worried about it. And I know how I feel about other men, so I'm pretty sure my stance won't change.

Hello WH,

Just perusing and saw your thread. You sure have been thru a whirlwind of comments and posts the last couple of days!

I honestly don't have any business commenting on your posts because I have not been faced with anything like you and your H are. From reading, I gather that you have been on another of the forums for awhile and decided to move over here.

That being said, you and your H certainly need prayers and support more than you need controversy right now. And, you will have my prayers for your situation. As I read your posts I came to agree with what jessitaylor and a few others have said - to get back to MB basics and put the court case aside in your minds for the moment. I don't know the history of your situation since you posted elsewhere, but it sounds like you boh are at least at the beginning stages of attempting recovery of your M. I know the case has to be a distraction, especially for your H, but there are ways to temper this such as, spending lots of quality UA time everyday together and making time if necessary, reassuring your H that EP's are in place, and just simply going the extra miles at this time to reassure him of your devotion to him and the M. You two also need to assure yourselves daily that the only people who should have any sway regarding the decision to attempt to recover your M are you and your H - not the OM and his case, not a stranger on here who posts that your H should walk away, and not even the reaction of your IL's. (I have to believe that when you do receive the results of the DNA test, and if negative, reveal that to your IL's that they will be more understanding and respectful of your decision than you two may think).

I also feel that along with the reassurance you are attempting to give to your H, that you simply need to give him time. I think his outbursts are due to not fully processing all of what has happened and that he has no counsel aside from you. If his outburts continue even after the two of you attempt to resovle this on your own, then you may have to separate from him for a period, simply to give you and your child, and him for the matter, a safe haven. In the meantime you should encourage him as calmly and as factually as possible that he needs to find someone - whether MB, a priest or minister, or a close and trusted relative - to help guide him thru this time.

Well, just my three cents! Best wishes and prayers!

Tom

I really appreciate the encouragment that perhaps my ILs will forgive and accept whatever outcome we face. They love their son and I hope won't want to excommunicate him from their lives, and I'm part of that package. And I'll do whatever I have to to demonstrate the changes that have taken place in my heart.

As for the exposure, I've been really trying to encourage my BH to tell them now, not later, while we can still include them in this whole process rather than letting it all out when we're dealing with aftermath. He's seen these posts explaining why it's best to do it sooner, but he not settled in his mind that it's what's best. So...the wait continues.

As for your words, helpthelostdads, last night my BH and I talked extensively about all possible outcomes and where BH stands with each one. We discussed that he needs to be prepared for full exposure to everyone, possible joint custody, and possibly finding out OC's not his biologically. When faced with those possibilities--dare I say likelihoods--he said with no hesitation that he's in it for the long haul. He can be happy with whatever outcome. And he knows the angry outbursts have to end, but we both understand that may not happen until we're through the mess. I can wait on that. But it was good for him to recognize and acknowledge reality and lucidly state that he can live with whatever we face...as long as we face it together. So I think BH has finally made the crossover into real life and has accepted it. And on that note, yesterday was the first day of no angry outburst in 6 months! Yay for progress!